Thank God God no be man o / For if God be man o / I for don die o / I for don kpeme o

Hola peeps. ¿Desee saber lo que significa el título? This blog title was culled from a song I heard when I went out last month. It’s my new fav song and is now the ringtone on my phone. Hey, maybe this new phone’s not so bad after all. So how y’all been and how did u spend ur weekend? Went out with my mate on Friday nite. Yes, same dude whose girlfriend seized the car keys last time. This time nothing that dramatic happened and it turned out to be quite an interesting nite.

Friday: Mate picked me up from a reception I was attending for some older colleagues who were taking on new roles away from PH. Wasn’t gonna go, but the prospect of free food drew me to the venue like fly to dog doodoo. Can’t remember much about the evening, but must confess that the spring rolls (and sauce dip) were outta this world. Thinking about it now makes me wanna drool…oops, too late, I hope my mate doesn’t notice I his laptop. Shigata ga nai. Okay, like I was saying, dude picked me up and we drove to UniPort to pick up his girlfriend. Man, my heart was pumping like an athlete’s (on steroids). UniPort, finally! Y’all must forgive this somewhat uncouth behaviour. U see, I never did the whole let’s go pick up chicks from the local university thang ‘cos only spent a year in a Nigerian university and the school was so small one could literally stroll from one girls’ hostel to the other. So u can imagine how I felt.

Had planned to use the opportunity to check up on the UniPort chick I met at Lulu’s last time, but called her earlier in the day and she said she was ill. I know what y’all are thinking, “So why didn’t u check on her?” Remember, this was the same chick who wanted me to speak to her friends after our second conversation. If I’d gone to her room with my mate she might have thot something along the lines of, “Woah, this dude came all the way from town to see me ‘cos I told him I was ill. He’s everything I thot he’d be. I think I love him. No, screw that. I do love him. I see my babies in his eyes…”

Lol…okay, that may be a bit too much, but after the conversation with mate on way to the university I thot it best to be cautious. U see dude had met this cute chick on a Sunday and they exchanged numbers. Chick (who’s got a job by the way) calls him on Monday and asks that they meet for lunch. Later in the day, she says she wants to see him again so he picks her up after work and they hang out. By Tuesday, they meet again and he says he’d see this weird look in her eyes. Hear him, “Dude, na so the chick look me up and down come tell me say she love me. Couldn’t believe what I was hearing so asked her if she knew what love was? I mean, I’ve known this chick for only 2 days and yet she loves me? I know my lyrics are good, but they aren’t that good. Even after I told her I have a girlfriend she said she’d not mind waiting and would be totally happy with my calling her whenever I am bored. O boy, I fear o.”

Anyways, we pick up his brother and his girlfriend on way to the university. By now I’m panting like a dog, u know, ‘cos all this is new to me. So we get to his girlfriend’s and she walks out with her roommate. Lol…seems these folk thot I was bored the last time we went out so decided to get me a chick this time. Man, people never learn. We go to Best Bite and notice my hookup’s actually not bad looking, and she’s light-skinDED too. Oh man, this is turning out to be a good nite. We chat for a bit and I find that she actually lives in PH when school’s not in session. I tell her about me and ask her the most pertinent question of the night, “Do u cook?” She laffs and responds in the affirmative. Man, it just keeps getting better. Since I put my foot in my mouth with the Nengi incident I’ve missed out on quality food, and the lady selling roast plantain and fish isn’t back yet (WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN? DOESN’T SHE KNOW THE PAIN SHE’S CAUSING ME?!), so now that I’ll be getting my own place I need to diversify my food source. Craving for home-made food’s so bad now that I call all mates who I know have passed by PH sometime in their life and ask them to hook me up with chicks who’d be platonic friends, but can cook. So far I’ve gotten just one number, but with this new chick and, if I’m real desperate, the neighbour that fancies me, then it’s 3 chicks on the cooking rota. Not bad going, me thinks.

Okay back to the outing, at Best Bite we saw another live band, but this time it was fronted by some dreadlocked dude who does brilliant covers of current Nigerian hits and can switch lyrics to suit the audience. Dude calls himself Don The Tax Collector, and thot that was a funny stage name ‘til I saw his act. This dude “collects his tax” by picking on a wealthy-looking audience members and screaming at the top of his voice ‘til the poor individual pushes significant sums of money in his direction. Crazy hilarious. Discovered he was not the only one pulling this grift when we went to another venue with a live band. In this case the band has a bare-chested male dancer who gyrates in front of clients ‘til they pay him off like Don. After the band finished their set said dancer came over to our table and started doing his thang in front of me. I laffed and asked him why he picked me. “Chairman”, he replied, “I sabi say na u be chairman with that big boy phone wey u get.” Yup, this new, sleek phone’s da bizness.

The night ended after we had danced the night away at ILLUSIONS night club - which is the first nite club I’ve been to without soundproof. I swear I wonder why people pay to get in ‘cos u can hear the tunes spun by the DJ a street away. My hook up wasn’t much of a dancer, but spent most of night hanging out with her ‘cos wasn’t gonna jeopardize a potential source of cooked food. It was when we got to my mate’s that I realized it might be safer to learn to cook ‘cos I think my hookup’s got multiple personality disorder and ain’t no way someone like that’s cooking for me; she might end up adding sugar to rice thinking it’s cereal. Serious.

I discovered the chick has a pre- and after-clubbing personality, which is weird considering the fact that she didn’t have much to drink and hardly goes out on the town (well, at least that what she told me). Before clubbing this chick had a soft voice, almost whispery, and spoke to everyone in English. After we returned to mate’s from the nite out her voice became gruff and every word that came outta her mouth was in pidgin English. It’s almost as if she had been pretending the whole nite and got tired of her act. Man, almost called an exorcist when she displayed her true colors. Maybe that’s what I get for not checking up on that other UniPort chick. U live and learn, eh?

Saturday: After mate dropped me off at the crib on way to work I shaved my head - hey, my mom might pay me a surprise visit and wouldn’t want her going off again – and did my laundry. Lol…man, it sounds so posh, huh? I say ol’ chap, I just did the laundry. U see, I put some detergent in a plastic vessel, ran some water until it lathered, put some clothes in the veseel, and then proceeded to massage the clothes between the palms of my hands. Ha. Back in Lagos the help did the washing; in the UK and US I used a washing machine. It’s amazing what PH’s done to me; almost like I’m back in boarding school, but without the garish uniforms and constant floggings. Until I get someone to do the washing or hook up a washing machine – I already told the plumber in the new crib to make the necessary connections – I’ll be ‘doing the laundry’ myself. Oh the pain, the pain.

After laundry I called the UniPort chick (not the psycho one) to make sure she was feeling better – see, I have a heart – then read and napped for a while in preparation for the World Cup semi-finals this evening. On Thursday, was told that some bloke from boarding school would be getting hitched in PH today, but didn’t feel up to it. When other boarding school mates informed me that they were in town and would be going for the night party I decided to meet up with them at the crib of another mate. Took a cab there and…..hey, did I tell u that new cab driver mate hooked me up with disappointed me as well? What’s up with lazy cab drivers in this town? The first time dude picked me up he seemed responsible so called him some day to take me to the office. We agreed he’d show up at 6.30am, but dude didn’t show up ‘til 7am and blamed it on traffic. U what? At frigging 7am?! Decided it’s best I saved up and fixed my ride in Lagos. Sorry about that, had to get my transportation problems off my (ample, waxed) chest.

So back to what I was saying (typing?)? Took a cab to mate’s house and was ace seeing these dudes again. Some of these guys I hadn’t bumped into in 14 years! For most of my time in boarding school I was rough, didn’t give much damn about my appearance or studies or much of anything, and real playful. Now I am laid back, give a hoot about stuff (especially the state of Nigeria, and my six-pack), but still playful, and I love that about myself. Seeing these guys again made me realize how amazing it is that folk change physically, yet remain the same. Among the guys at the crib was this dude who instigated most of the trouble in school. Dude spent Saturday night at my crib, but by Sunday morning he had discovered a place to buy weed. Lol….man, I have lived in this place for almost 2 months now yet I didn’t know weed was sold by my crib. See, peeps hardly change. Also saw this brainy dude who, back in school, always felt like he had to justify his every decision. Yup, he hadn’t changed either. Then, there’s the nerdy-looking dude who’s now married and loves football, but is still nerdy-looking. I’d go on and on.

Anyways, we leave mate’s house for the night party and returned to my crib about 1am Sunday morning. As expected, there was no power and was gonna turn on the generator when I realized I hadn’t much petrol in the tank and the World Cup finals would be shown later in the day. Hmmm, should I make life more comfortable for these dudes I’ve known for almost 20 years or let them sleep in darkness so I can be among the estimated 1 billion people who’ll be watching the World Cup finals? Screw 20 years of friendship, I always wanted to be a statistic anyways.

Okay back to the night. So we get to the venue and it’s deader than dead, but music’s good. As there were few women around guys were scrambling to hook up until another boarding school mate, who lives in PH, showed up with a car full of fine ass UniPort chicks. Man, I’d hang with that dude. The weed guy I told y’all about also showed up with some chick that practically oozed sex appeal. Serious. This girl wasn’t that fine, but she just had that aura about her that Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone’s xter) in Basic Instinct did. The kind of aura that makes the average guy think, “I know I am married, got a good job, a lovely family, I’m respected in the community et al, but I’d risk all that just to sleep with this chick.” Yup, that kinda sex appeal.

Conversating with this chick when she tells me she’s from Akwa Ibom and attends UniPort. A Calabar chick in PH! Man, if there’s a worse sexual stereotype I haven’t heard one. Ha. So she stays in PH, huh? Good. I ask her if she can find her way around the kitchen, she laffs and says she can. She then asks if I am married and I tell her I am not. She looked disappointed. Huh? Yeah, don’t get why. Tell her about my experiences since I moved from Lagos, the places I’ve visited, and new crib. She tells me she hardly goes out – like I’d fall for that 2 nites in a row – ‘cos she used to be huge and has lost massive weight so her clothes don’t fit anymore. Uh uh. She also goes on to suggest ways to furnish my crib. “U’ll need to buy a mattress, microwave, curtains…..” Uh uh. Man, someone do a DNA test on this chick just to confirm if her last name’s Einstein. While proffering suggestions on how to improve my crib I notice ‘Sharon’ looking in the weed guy’s direction. Ask about her relationship with him and she says, “oh, he’s just my uncle’s close friend.” Sure. After the party we get back to mine and she stays in the spare room, while another mate, weed guyher uncle’s close friend and I share my room. Woke up to take a pee and her uncle’s close friend is not in the room. “Oh well, he’s probably gone to have a smoke”, I tell myself. When I finally woke up I find her uncle’s close friend sound asleep. My spideyroach senses start tingling and then I burst out laffing ‘cos her uncle’s close friend, during his er, cigarette break, mistakenly brought back a pillow from the spare bedroom into my room. Lol…..we all adults, why did they think they had to pretend?

Later in the day while everyone’s having breakfast and I’m sweeping (sorry vacuuming) my room Sharon comes into my room and hears my new ringtone. “Oh I love that song”, she exclaims. “How much did u get the phone for?” I tell her, and she screams, “Omigod, omigod. I’d love to own that phone.” Lol…..man, never seen anyone get religious about a phone before. She then goes on to comment about the huge apartment and asks if mine would be the same size. “Of course, I am from Texas”, I tell her. She laffs and keeps going on about my phone and how she wishes she’d afford one just like it. “Maybe if u worked real hard u can afford one like this some day”, I reply. Lol…guess I’m not too conversant with this aristo/sugar daddy thang, huh? Okay enuff about Sharon.

I struck up a conversation with this other chick at the party. Turns out she’s NOT a UniPort chick, so I guess that may be why I enjoyed talking to her. So we talking about this and that when I make my excuses so I’d say hello to the bride and groom. By the time I return this chick’s disappeared. I later find her crouching behind some flower beds. “Oh I am so sorry”, she said, while swigging her 5th bottle of Guinness. “U see my brothers just walked in and I don’t really give a damn what anyone thinks about me, except family. I reckon they might be upset ‘cos of the number of guys I’ve spoken to today. U are the fifth one, as at last count.” I’da been upset, but for the fact that she had committed to cook for me before her Houdini act. Oh yeah, almost forgot to tell u that this chick also looked disappointed when I told her I wasn’t married. What gives?

Sunday: Woke up early to clean the house and finish the laundry. Okay, woke up earlier and just lay in bed thinking about my life. I thought about the party last nite and how a bunch of reasonably successful guys, single and married, in their early 30s were chilling with university chicks. My worst nightmares have been realized: I had become a stereotype. The party scene reminded me of my childhood and parties hosted in my house by my oldest brother Tayo. I’d be upstairs watching these guys in their early 30s chill with UniLag chicks that had been ‘shipped’ in for that purpose. Just like the party last night, back then I saw married guys with kids stepping to these university chicks, only difference is nowadays guys don’t need to lie about their marital status. I am not a saint and I am not condemning the married guys for doing what they do, it’s just that maybe I’m real scared I’ll end up like that. Goodness knows I’ve had ‘principles’ (not cheating on girlfriend, not stepping to a chick with a boyfriend, not stepping to an ex’s friend/acquaintance) that I’ve broken over the years and I’m afraid that the remaining few (not cheating on wife, not stepping to a married woman, etc) might just crumble if I’m not careful.

Maybe I really should be more careful about my interactions with women. Just yesterday I sent a text message to a female mate teasing her about her friend not wanting to go out with me. “U had better be careful or the girl might actually think u are serious about dating her”, she replied. I laffed at the message and thot to myself, ”Hmmm. This friend of hers is quite cute and it might be fun to see how far I get with this chick. I know at this point in my life I’d be careful what I say to women. No more causal-jokey ‘my wife-to-be’ or ‘my true love’ ‘cos not all chicks would think I’m joking. Okay, maybe I’ll hang out with this cute chick when next I’m in Lagos and see what develops. Dunno much about her but know she’s got a short fuse. Hmmm, do I really wanna mess with another chick with those traits? Goodness knows I’ve had my fair share of those. Hey, I sure remember Girlfriend N. Man, she was fine as heck but had a temper on her. Never met any girl that sensitive about everything. Used to be scared to go out to a restaurant with her some times, ‘cos she always had some gripe she’d to see the manager about. Used to plead with her not to say nada, not ‘cos of the waiters’ feelings, but ‘cos I was sure the waiters would spit in our food for revenge. Okay, maybe it’s time to stop thinking and respond to this chick’s text message.”

Anyways, so back to Sunday. While dong the laundry (and still thinking about my life) it occurred to me that I’ve never wholehearted gone after a girl. With everyone that turned out to be my girlfriend there was always a ‘backup’(s) in case my efforts failed. In some cases the ‘backup’ was actually the frontrunner ‘til she did some stupid stuff or the other that made me hold back. U know how u hear about guys who have been after a chick for months, sometimes years, until she acquiesced to their professions of love? Always wondered what that’d be like.

Maybe it’s a good thang I went to the party last night. It was a light-bulb moment. From now on, okay let’s see how it goes for a few months, I’ll concentrate all my efforts on one girl. Yup, just one. And I think I know just the one. She’s fine as heck, got a toothpaste commercial smile, and we talk almost every other day. (We are at that point in our friendship when the girl knows the guy likes her, but dude hasn’t come right out and said it, and girl’s afraid to broach the topic just in case her intuition turns out to be warped.) Problem here is this chick’s got a boyfriend, but seeing as it’s a principle I have broken countless times (see above) I don’t really see what the problem is. I mean, how are we sure she’s REALLY happy in her relationship? I might just be the knight in shiny Armani suit she needs. Yes, after doing the laundry, and cleaning up the house after my guests have left, I’ll settle down to the Special Edition DVD of The Usual Suspects (which is the best movie ever), and call this chick just before The World Cup final kicks off.

The power situation put paid to my DVD-viewing plans so called the girl and we spoke for at least 2 hours. Man, it was excellent. As it turns out there was more to the girl of my dreams than I thought; she’s smart and funny as well. This was the ‘breakthrough’ conversation that I didn’t want to end even though both elbows was aching. It was everything and more…..and then I discovered she no longer has a boyfriend. Good news? Nah, dude’s now her fiancé. Ouch. Alanis Morissette eat ur heart out. Man o man.

So there u have it folks, just when I thot I was out the ‘backup’ lifestyle pulls me back in. Tot ziens and God bless.