Virgin Nigeria are punk ass punks. One should boycott these lazy, inefficient punks.

Hola. Ofrezco mis apologías sinceras por el título. Just crazy tired of crap customer service. Got to the airport last Friday 2 full hours ahead of schedule to discover that the 1705 flight I’d been booked on was delayed for 4 hours. Meanwhile, the 1830 flight was scheduled to take off on time. Later discovered that the latter flight wasn’t disrupted by mechanical failures or bad weather (or whatever crap excuse these guys puke out) ‘cos most of the seats were chartered by some multinational firm. Man, I went ballistic and ranted and raved and was all up in everyone’s face I felt like I was a guest on Jerry Springer. Was actually surprised at my behavior ‘cos normally I’da accepted the airline’s fake apology and settled down for my 4-hour wait. U know what? It worked; I got put on the 1830 flight….okay, the flight actually took off about 1855 hrs, but the point is I didn’t have to wait endlessly at the airport for stuff that wasn’t my fault. This again proves my point that the guy with the loudest voice also gets his way in Nigeria.

So alles lekker? How was ur weekend? Mine was hectic. Realized it’s not smart to make loadsa appointments with peeps when all u technically have is one full day in Lagos. Got to the house on Friday and was ace to see everyone after a month away. Most family members were actually more pleased to see my new phone than moi. Told y’all they were the ones who jeopardized my old phone! Man, kinda miss my durable, golden oldie. U could drop that phone from the top of the Eiffel Tower and nada would happen to it. Apart from making calls and sending text messages it was also a chick filter. When I’m about to take a girl’s number I give the phone to her to input the digits. If she goes on and on about how crap the phone is then I ain’t calling her. Was very effective in weeding out the chaff.

Okay, sorry to digress. So got home on Friday about 8pm and proceeded to watch what was left of the Italy – Ukraine game. The World Cup’s been okay ‘til date, but the incessant diving’s pissing me off. As usual the English fans ain’t accepting that their team wasn’t up to scratch and are blaming Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal for their woes. As if. I’d hoped Germany would go thru to the finals after their display throughout the tourney but it wasn’t meant to be. Yeah, where was I? Yeah, after I got home stuffed myself with meals prepared by my mom and stepmom. Another dividend of polygamy.

Woke up early Saturday and…..no, gast to tell y’all this. Walked into the kitchen while mom was preparing dinner on Friday night and she looks at me weird.

Mom: “Hold on, come closer. Hey, are u going bald?”
Tunde: “Yeah, right at the center of my head here.”
Mom: “Are u sure? Seems like it’s a problem with lighting. Tell the help to get me my glasses.”
Mom (after inspecting scalp properly): “No, it can’t be. Tell the help to get me that monocle.”
Mom (after adjusting her monocle….and stroking her pet white cat): “Yeah, u are going bald! How long has this been happening?”
Tunde (trying not to laugh at this incredulous spectacle): “A year maybe. Why, what’s the problem? U probably never noticed it before ‘cos my head’s always shaved.”
Mom: “No, u can’t be going bald. Where did u get it? No male in my family’s bald and same with ur father’s.”
Tunde: “Well, I suppose someone has to start the trend and…..”
Mom: “God forbid. How can u be bald? U see what happens when u don’t listen to ur mother? Back in ’92 when u started shaving off all ur hair, wasn’t I against it?”
Tunde: “But….”
Mom: “Well, what u have to do now is rub some aloe vera on ur head.”
Tunde: “U what?”
Mom: “Seriously. It helps hair grow.”
Tunde: “No way that’s happening. Look…”
Mom: “U see, not listening to me again, huh? Okay, at least go shave it all off so people don’t know.”
Tunde (now laughing hysterically): “I thought u were against me shaving my head in first place.”
Mom: “U’d better leave my sight before I say something I might regret.”

So there u have it folks; my mom, epitome of vanity. On Saturday think I met a girl I might just marry. I know this is sudden, but since everybody’s getting married I reckon I might as well join in. How long have I known this chick for? A month, but she said something to me the other day that made me realize she’d be The ONE. While chatting online she put up picture after picture, and when I commented on how nice she looked in all of them, she informed me that her hobby’s taking pictures ‘cos she’s a bit vain. Are the wheels in ur heads churning yet? No? Okay lemme explain why she’d be The ONE.

From my research I found that at least 40% of marital squabbles result from wives and mothers-in-law not getting along. The way I see it both my mom and this chick love taking pictures, right? I’ll have a camera around so when they start going after each other’s throats, I’ll ask them to pause for a photo and by the time I’m done they’ll forget what the fight was about in the first place and go back to trying to outdo each other for my pleasure. Yes, I know I am a genius.

Speaking of marriage, on Friday night I struck up a conversation with some American expat on his way to Lagos. Discovered dude’s been married for 38 years and proposed to his wife 14 days after meeting her. Yes, 14 whole DAYS. Told him if I ever did that my mom would smack the back of my head – let’s not even mention what she’d do to the chick – ‘til I came to my senses. He laughed and said both he and his wife’s folks were startled when they told them, but they let them go ahead with their plans. In my mind I was thinking, “that’s ‘cos u guys are white.” This guy’s immensely successful and told me without God’s blessings and his wife he’d not be where he is now. With his resolute faith in God and continued love of his wife this dude felt he’d accomplish anything. Boy. After hearing this dude talk about his wife I felt like getting married; and this is a refreshing feeling, unlike my bro Akin’s stories of infidelity that crack me up, yet leave me apprehensive.

This was the second time someone talking about their spouse has made me long for marriage. First time was in the church in the States when some woman was giving a testimony about her husband. I swear if I was as secure financially as I am now I’da proposed to my girlfriend at the time. Thank goodness I didn’t ‘cos it woulda been a disaster. Lol. Anyways, this brings me to a conversation I had with a close friend last week. She wanted to know why I joke about everything. Told her I wasn’t sure, and that if I’m being honest this propensity for joviality has resulted in some of my relationships ending prematurely. After I got off the phone I thought deeply about what we discussed and realized that I’d learn to curb this joke thang. In all honesty I think I use it to hide or mask pain. If there was a theme song to my life it’d probably be Tracks Of My Tears and/or Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles. My late night self-therapy led me to believe that this might be the reason why I’m so scared of committing to a long-term relationship that I know may lead to marriage. Maybe I subconsciously jeopardize a good thang if I know it’d lead to ‘…in sickness and in health…for richer for poorer…’. Think it’s about time I opened my heart to y’all. U see, I’da been married earlier, well, not married, but, twice, I thot I’d met the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. The resulting pain from what I went thru with both chicks has made me guarded ever since; worst of all, I was totally clueless as to what went wrong. Here’s what happened: The very first one really had the worst words for me, she told me I was such a loser and that’s why she was gonna break up with me. The very next one told me to please forgive her, but that she was having someone else’s baby girl. Can U Imagine That? Lol….man, I kill myself.

Maybe I just cannot stop this joke thang and that’s why I know my wife’s gotta be special in order to deal with this schtick of mine. I know (okay I hope) I’ll make a great husband and father, it’s just there path to get there that I’m a bit wuzzy about. For instance, take the proposal process. Does one do the traditional (read corny as hell) go-down-on-one-knee or do u use the R.Kelly approach, i.e. “Hey baby, U Remind Me Of Something, u know something like my jeep. We’d go Half On A Baby”? To y’all who are as confused as moi out there I’d advice against the former, it’s just bad luck. Peep this: some dude in UK went down on one knee and proposed to his chick as they were leaving the movies. Fellow movie-goers stopped and applauded (and male patrons probably got nudged in the ribs a few times by their girlfriends hoping for similar treatment) and all was well with the world. Fast-forward 3 months and the girl’s got a restraining order out on the dude. Lol…another funny proposal incident happened at a party in the UK. (Pls don’t ask me what’s up with corny-ass behaviour of Nigerians in the UK; maybe it’s the crap ass soap operas they watch.) Everyone’s dancing and all of a sudden the DJ starts playing Jagged Edge’s Let’s Get Married, and this dude goes down on one knee, starts blubbering like a whale and asks his girlfriend to marry him. No word yet on how their relationship’s developed, but I guess every time they have an argument the girl disses him for proposing to her with a song that basically says: We both old and I am scared of losing u ‘cos I can’t afford the house rent on my own……u know that white dress that ur sister has, er, can u borrow it and meet me at the altar….okay, if I’m honest I wanna marry u ‘cos I just discovered this tax law that gives larger refunds to married folk…let’s just get married…..the law might be repealed soon. Yup, real romantic.

So back to Saturday (finally). Stopped by former employer’s to see a mate. Man, miss that place, and the people too. Oh well. Then, tried to get in touch with lady making t-shirts for moi but couldn’t so went to see 16 Blocks with some friends. Not a bad movie, in fact better than I expected. The ending just killed me. Nice, real nice. Ran home in time to see Brazil lose like the punks they are. What was up with Ronaldinho’s Wonderwoman head band in the first half?

Later in the evening my dad came in from his travels. Met him in private and dude railed at me for not contacting him for 2.5 weeks. Was gonna switch into ‘US talk-show guest’ mode, i.e. blame someone else for my problems, when the dude reminded me that I acted the same way while based in Abuja. Come to think of it, the dude’s right. I apologized profusely and let him go on about proper way to act and all of that. When he was done venting we started chatting about mundane stuff. Man, that’s why I love my dad. Let the dude vent and matter’s resolved as if nada happened in the first place. That’s something I picked up from him. My mom on the other hand? Man, that lady just has to give her opinion about everything and it’s a trait I’m trying to curb. Lord, help me. Okay, so dad’s asking me about the new job and life in PH and all that. Then, he throws a curve ball by asking about most recent ex. I tell him she’s fine and that we talk now and then. Dude then wants to know if we’ve “resolved” the matter between us. I laugh and tell him there’s nada to resolve. He shrugs his shoulder and we continue talking about football and other exciting stuff like….hold ur breath…business. Lol. Man, ex musta left a positive impression on the dude. Either that or the dude was so happy at the success of my sister’s wedding he’s keen to have another soon, or dude’s probably worried his daughters are getting hitched and his sons don’t appear to have any intention of going that route anytime soon. While other dads count sheep in order to fall asleep, I’m sure dude’s singing: 2 daughters and 5 sons left in my house, 2 daughters and 5 sons left; if all goes as planned and Seyi gets married by end of year then I’ll have 1 daughter and 5 sons left in my house, 1 daughter and 5 sons left…….

Woke up early on Sunday just in time to attend the 7.30 service at church. Man, sure miss congregating, seeing as I’ve not been to church since my arrival in PH. Hmmmm, maybe that’s how the PH girls get ya. They make u so comfortable u actually forget about church….hmmmmmm, maybe I’d stop smoking weed. Afterwards, stopped by my uncle’s after church and told him how things are going in PH. Dude seemed pleased someone’s following in his footsteps – yup, he used to be a dancer as well, albeit with a full head of hair. Got home to find Kemi (my sis who recently got married) and her husband Ike at the house. Was ace seeing them. Jide had stepped out so it was left to Loye, Ike and myself to pick on Akin. Remember I told y’all that his ‘girlfriend’ had caught the bouquet at a friend’s wedding earlier in the month? Well, was gonna tease Akin about it when he said he was aware of that fact. Said it wasn’t a big deal as she’d caught the bouquet at her sister’s wedding late last year also. Man, that just opened the floodgates. Poor chick was christened the ‘Bouquet Catcher (BC)’ – that’d be the title of a Hollywood movie starring J.Lo - by the time we were done with Akin. Turns out that the Bouquet Catcher’s been moved down Akin’s pecking order of potential wife-to-be. Lol…sounds just like a game show, huh? The ‘girlfriend’ du jour is some chick from PH. Yup, PH chicks even leave their shores to get their man. I just hope that the BC’s not pinning all her hopes on Akin ‘cos if there’s one dude that’s not susceptible to pressures from family (both hers and his) or friends it’s Akin.

Update on life in PH: Ended up not taking the MTV Cribs-type house I told y’all about last week. Decided on a cheaper 3-bedroom place (hey, I still gotta floss) below my mate’s apartment. Yup, didn’t have a clue the place was up for rent ‘til a neighbour told me. Hope to move in at month end ‘cos the landlord’s still fixing the place up. Where are those guys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy when u need them? Maybe we’d have a Nigerian version of that show. Yeah, right. If we did the guys would probably present the show in disguises ‘cos u can bet ur last Naira they’d receive death threats. Lol.

Yeah, think neighbour who told me about house fancies me. It started so innocently. She commented on “liking my style” ‘cos she’s only seen me with one girl (Nengi). I laughed and told her Nengi was just a friend. After doing the typical female are u sure? Are u sure? Are u sure she doesn’t like u? thang and moi responding in the negative, she then warned me against PH chicks and suggested I’d get my girlfriend from Lagos to visit me in order to ward them off. As soon as I told her I wasn’t seeing anyone in Lagos I saw the twinkle in her eye and immediately regretted that statement. Since that fateful day she’s been stopping over “just to say hi”, etc. Need to find a way to let her down easy. I have considered the ff:

1. Invent a girlfriend:- First, she’ll know I’m lying, except I make up one in Lagos. Second, she’s the same chick I told y’all took an okada down the road to throw away dirt. If I tell her I have a girlfriend, who’s gonna help me throw away rubbish from my new crib?
2. Use the Homer Simpson technique (i.e. tell her I am gay):- This would never work in Nigeria (see above). Besides, she might feel it’s her job to ‘straighten’ me out.
3. Use the cuz Femi approach (aka the Usher song technique):- My cuz (when he was still single) introduced us to this technique that musta been passed down from one player-wannabe to another. If u find that a girl likes u and the feeling’s not mutual, tell her she reminds u of some girl that broke ur heart and as such u cannot be with her. Tried it last month and it worked like a charm.

Called the chick from the University of Port Harcourt and before I’d say hello, she apologized for flashing/beeping my phone and said it was a mate of hers playing tricks. Am I to believe that? Then again, the chick’s got this cute li’l baby voice and from what I remember she’s quite fine. Of course I have to believe her! Lol. Plan to hook up with her this weekend just to make sure she’s as fine as I remember (hey, saw her in a niteclub setting and we all know the miracles most chicks can do with makeup and minimal lighting). Shall keep y’all informed. Hey, a note of caution about this chick. In only our third conversation she’s passing phone to her friend who then tells me, “…heard a lot about u, hope we can meet u soon”. U what?! Either my Barry White-esque phone voice is the bomb or I made a huge impression the night we met. As stated earlier, shall keep y’all informed.

Did I tell y’all about chick that gave me a ride 2 weeks ago? It was raining and she asked for my help in getting to her car since I’d an umbrella. Seeing as I’m a real gentleman I went out of my way and walked with her for the 5-7 seconds it took us to walk to her car. She offered to drop me off at the club and I accepted. As I was about to get out she offered her business card and told her I’d not return the favour. Not that I was playing hard to get, but the fact is I don’t have any bizness cards. Yeah, that’s another reason why I miss the old job. Here, u gotta be in management to get a bizness card. No, I am not joking. Sometimes I feel like I’m working for the CIA ‘cos once I leave the club’s premises I gotta take off my ID card ‘cos peeps in PH get real jealous if they find that u work for the newest break-dancing club in town. Why? Dunno, just what they tell me. ‘Cos of that I’m afraid to tell peeps I meet where I work; it’s almost like the movie Candyman. I’m almost frightened if I reveal where I work some 7ft black dude with a hook would appear and dice me like shish kebab.

Sorry, back to that chick. So I call her on Monday to thank her for the ride and then she tells me she’s gonna stop by the club later in the week. She calls me on Wednesday and we meet for a chat. Then she tells me her uncle’s in management here (probably has a bizness card) and whips out her phone so I’d talk to him. “Hi uncle, hold on for a friend of mine. He’s a new employee here.” I talk to the dude and thank him for his time. Need to know as many folk in management as possible as it helps in networking, but hope the chick doesn’t tell him we more than friends ‘cos experienced stuff like that in the UK and wasn’t pleasant. Peep this: ex’s uncle requests we meet him up for dinner after he discovers we both work for the same company. Dude’s great company and all and suggests I send him my CV so he can peruse it and make adjustments in case he comes across a position I’m fit for. The next day he calls ex and asks her about her “man”. Ex explains that we broke up a while back, but still hang out ‘cos we tight friends. Later in the week I forward my CV to this dude and that’s the last I hear from him. If that happens in this case I might be stuck doing head spins in some dinghy corner for the foreseeable future.

Okay peeps. Off to write a letter to Virgin Nigeria asking for the head of Richard Branson. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Just heard a new PH-ism: moneria (rhymes with malaria). This disease affects most guys 2 weeks after payday when their numerous PH chicks feel like a nite on the town.

PPS
Just saw the video of the official World Cup song by Toni Braxton and Il Divo. Man, Toni’s still as fine as ever but that chick’s becoming Li’l Kim-lite. It’s a friggin’ song about sports, Toni. Wear a footie jersey or something! That’s typical case of a woman who’s fine and knows she’s fine. Either her husband’s paying her too much attention and tells her she’s crazy fine every moment he gets, or dude’s not giving her the time of day. Remember Aaliyah’s I Miss U video? Even Li’l Kim had the good sense to cover up, but not our Toni; she wore negligee to a video shoot celebrating the career of a recently departed singer.

PPPS
Just discovered that last few blog entries have centered on my relationships with women. Sad, real sad. From hereon end we going back to ranting about the state of the country. Capisci?

PPPPS
Someone (Miguel) just sent me another link of sister's engagement pics. Told y'all Miguel's desperate for a wife.