Thanks for taking me to Brokeback Mountain

Hola peeps. Don’t be scared of the title. No, I am not about to come outta the closet…besides, it’s so cosy in there, and no, my ex’s shouldn’t get worried they flipped me the other way (though cos of an ex I once considered dressing up like a lady just to sneak into one of those Ann Summers parties to find out why she'd buy crap lingerie) ‘cos I cringe everytime I watch Oz.

The title was gleaned from one of Bill Simmons’ ESPN columns and thought it was the funniest thang ever. Speaking of which, I still gotta watch the whole movie to see what the fuss is about; I fell asleep half way into it. Did see A History Of Violence though and still can’t tell what the fuss was about, same with Yentyl. Man, that movie was long and almost senseless, but way better than The New World. Oh, I told y’all that movie was real crap, right? Recently saw Gone With The Wind and if Rhett Butler ain’t the coolest, misogynistic man ever then Charles Taylor’s innocent of all charges. Saw that movie as a kid but had to see it again. While the Civil war raged dude always looked dapper. Now that’s what I am talking about! His character was James Bond before James Bond was er, James Bond.

Speaking of which, y’all musta heard of the furore surrounding Daniel Craig as Bond. Feel bad for the dude. Websites have sprung up that hope to get him kicked off the gig, even though the movie’s almost wrapped. Criticisms range from “he just looks funny” to “omigod, a blonde Bond” to “he’s so wimpish I hear he lost 2 teeth in a fight scene with a girl.” Poor dude. At least he ain’t Sharon Stone. Lol…u knew I’d not help that, right? Don’t get me wrong, I love Sharon; she still looks good for her age, even though the makeup artists and camera men on Basic Instinct 2 should be nominated for Oscars for making her look still foxy. It’s just that after her bold-faced lie in Searching For Debra Winger (see few blog entries ago) I felt disappointed. I mean Sharon was my Angelina before er, Angelina became my Angelina. Yes, I concur, I do need help.

Oooops, forgot the obligatory salutation in a foreign language. How about Yoruba this time? Ba wo ni eniyan, se e ti gba gbe mi, se gbadun blog ti mo ko ni ose to ko ja? Yup, life as a polyglot ain’t easy but Tunde's got to live it.

Recently got an email from a mate in Dubai and dude says place is crazy expensive. Only been there a week and already has had a number of adventures. Funniest thang was how thermometers there don’t seem to go over 48C. Dude suspects this eerie ‘unionization’ of thermometers in the land could be due to fact that it’s illegal for construction workers to work when temperature hits 50C. Bloody hilarious.

In Nigeria we have no such laws, in fact if u got loadsa money laws mightn’t apply to u at all. That explains the reason for degradation in the Niger Delta; both the community leaders and the federal government are happy to line their pockets while peeps live in abject poverty. Now some punk ass group called the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND) has decided they’ve had enough pussyfooting. As if kidnapping expatriates – bet those folk wished they were black, huh? - wasn’t bad enough they have now taken to blowing up vehicles and killing innocent civilians, a la the IRA. Guess they feel this is the only way to get their point across, but it’s just making peeps like moi less empathic to their cause. They lost me a few months ago after their actions led to intense power cuts. Can u imagine gyrating for 50 housewives with no cooling system? Once, in order to satisfy my fans I’d to do a session under a tree. Passers-by tossed Bibles, Korans, and rocks at me but I kept performing ‘cos like they say in Hollywood: the (Sharon Stone) show must go on. Ha. I pray things get sorted out soon.

The President (OBJ) tried to play to the Niger Delta crowd by coming up with a number of new initiatives like pledging to fix a long abandoned multibillion Naira road project (erm, why hadn’t something been done about this in his 7 years in charge?) and generate 20,000 jobs for the indigenes of that area. Reading the latter pissed me off no end. Where are these jobs gonna come from? The police nearly went on strike a few months back ‘cos of their meager remuneration and now this dude promises the Niger Delta folk more jobs in the police and armed forces?! No wonder most enlightened peeps in the region scoffed at this facile solution. Sad.

If that wasn’t bad enuff the sycophants at the Presidency are fighting tooth and nail to bring this 3rd Term agenda to fruition, even though most Nigerians are against the idea. Hopefully the mass protests that lit a fire under the Nepalese king’s ass would be replicated here if these corrupt politicians get their way. Sadly, I am not sure a tidal wave of change would occur here as in the Ukraine (some good that did them), but at least that went some way to sowing seeds of discontent among the populace in Belarus. U just watch; Aleksandr Lukashenko’s problems have just begun.

Reckon OBJ's gonna go for 3rd term he’d come out and say he’s interested. Instead, he’s letting the police and sycophants do his dirty work for him. Even got the State Security Service (SSS) to shut down broadcast on a documentary about tenure elongation. He’da been glad the doc was shown ‘cos it highlighted mistakes made by OBJ’s predecessors for staying on the ‘throne’ too long. To show that money makes strange bed fellows, the current secretary of OBJ’s party was one of the major campaigners for Abacha to stay in office. Hey, maybe I’d get the dude on my side when I become President……….nah, I’d rather watch The New World again before I do that.

Okay enuff ranting. So how have y’all been? I’ve been aiight and miss the time I spent outta the country. 3 weeks of cold weather. Joy O Joy. Got back and peeps at work said I’d put on weight around the (ass) cheeks, but didn’t pay them no mind. It wasn’t ‘til I nearly took someone’s eye out during my coin flipper act – I’ll expatiate on that another day…..maybe – I decided it was time not to shake what my mama gave me ‘til I get in shape. (Oh just in case u wanted to know, yup, my six-pack’s still the 8th wonder of the world.) Okay back to my training/vacation. The firm that took over the club sent urs truly and a few top earners to the States on training and I won’t divulge tricks of the trade we’re taught ‘cos well, let’s just say I still value my pinky finger.............ring. Ha. Anyways, we had to undergo a few behavioural tests and discovered I was profiled as a Peacemaker. See, I told y’all I could be President! At the end of the session I received feedback from the faculty there and I quote, “Tunde is incredibly brilliant and funny as heck. Why he’s chosen this line of work is beyond me, he’d be made President of the world. I know I’d vote for him….” So there u have it peeps, out of the mouth of (foxy stripper) babes.

I enjoyed the experience immensely ‘cos one had the opportunity to interact with peeps from all over the world, and I developed a profound respect for the parent firm ‘cos of the time and money they invested on the training. What was funny was how different nationalities flocked together. The most obvious was the Black table where, obviously (duh!), black folk hung out. Other nationalities had their tables, but none was as obvious - obviously - as the black table. Hey, guess peeps gotta stick together.

While in the States I developed a toe infection, ‘cos of some over-zealous pedicurist in a Nigerian spa, and had to see the resident nurse at the training center. Man, toe hurt so much I couldn’t do my patented one-ass cheek wiggle. Anyways, the nurse asked me to take shoes off and proffered some ointment that did the trick after a few days. Before I left I told her I was Nigerian, ‘cos she inquired, and then she shocked me by asking, “Woah, Nigeria, huh? That’s far away from here, right? Well, u guys don’t wear shoes over there, do u?” Thot she was joking initially and when I realized she wasn’t I pointed out to her that we indeed wear processed leather hide on the soles of our feet just like Americans. Man, in this day and age peeps still think like this?! Guess she didn't know any better.

After training I chilled at Miguel’s for a few days and the dude ain’t doing too badly for himself. Dude even has a girlfriend now….and boy, can she cook! Thing is after I met her Miguel asked me what I thot of her. Of course I made jokes, but don’t get why he requires my opinion. I mean I ain’t the one going out with her so who gives a hoot what I think. Going back to the States reminded me of what I’d missed about that place: shopping and TV. It’s a pity new episodes of Dave Chappelle’s show are no longer broadcast. I saw Dave Chappelle’s Block Party in the cinema and u can tell how much fun it’d be to hang out with that dude. As an aside: I am officially in love with Jill Scott. Man, that woman has a smile that brightens the entire planet. My next car’s definitely gonna be called Jill……..if I don’t change my mind before then. Hey, I may be more emotionally-responsive now, but can be just as fickle as the next guy.

Too bad the proliferation of reality shows in the US hasn’t been curbed. Every friggin’ station has at least one reality show on the schedule every friggin’ day of the week. The new season of America’s Next Top Model began while I was in the US and disappointed ‘cos it has real ugly chicks in it. I’m talking so ugly they’d be in a British soap opera. Sad thang about some American reality shows is peeps still star in them even when there’s no prize money of any kind on offer. Zilch. Nada. For example, on Flavor of Love, the women competed to ‘win’ Flavor Flav (of Public Enemy fame). Got so intense that one of them (a white chick) actually spat on another (black) while being evicted. Hilarity ensued as the black chick went after her like a tiger after an antelope. All this to ‘win’ a former rapper (read rap mascot) with no discernable future in the entertainment game. Sad. Even worse was BET’s highest rated show, Countdown To Lockdown, which chronicles Li’l Kim’s ‘trials’ before she was sent to the slammer. Why, black people, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Got to the UK and schedule was so tight I’d barely spend more than 2 hours with my nephew. Though dude didn’t recognize me – he’s 2 years old and last saw me a year ago – we later bonded and dude is such a live wire, and cheeky as well. Kinda reminds me of me at that age. Love that dude. Also got to see my cuz Femi with his family. Man, marriage does settle folk. Femi looks contented with life now and his son’s a bundle of joy.

Yeah, almost forgot, my mate Tony is indeed married. I know, it’s difficult to fathom. Had to speak to his wife just to confirm dude wasn’t fibbing. Man, Tony’s married! He’s still Tony though in every way. Peep this, before I spoke with his wife dude tried to do a Miguel; that is defend his choice of bride to me. He told me his wife’s “akata but doesn’t behave like other akatas”. What does that even mean? To y’all non-Nigerians akata is a derogatory term used to describe African Americans, though I dunno what it means, literally or otherwise. Guess Chris Rock was right when he said black people are the most racist species on the planet. Ha.

Okay peeps, got 5 minutes ‘til I gotta hit the poles…..oooops, dunno what I ate, but been farting stinkies like crazy. Hopefully no one's holding a cigarette close by. Wish me luck 'cos don't wanna get sued. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Hope y'all still praying for Arsenal to do the business on Wednesday. Thanks a mill.

PPS
My songwriting skills is growing in leaps and bounds. If OBJ gets in in 2007 I’m hoping they have a Presidential Inauguration party, American Style, so I’d sing the following ditties:

(To be sung to the tune of Wyclef Jean’s If I Was President)
If I was president,
I’ll get elected on Monday
Arrest opponents on Tuesday
Get sued on Wednesday
Appoint judge for the case on Thursday
Amend constitution on Friday
Chill with Mugabe on Saturday
Avoid Mandela on Sunday

(To be sung to the tune of Lionel Richie’s Three Times A Lady)
Yes, u are once, twice, three times a lady leader……and sycophants Nigerians love u
Yes, u are once, twice, three times a lady leader……until someone else replaces u

Thank u, Thank u. Sexual Chocolate! SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!!!!