“Rhett, if u go where shall I go, what shall I do?” Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn

Hola peeps. Soy realmente triste. Arsenal lost the Champions League Final to Barcelona in a game we’da won, but don’t blame the ref for adhering to the latter of the law. Woke up the morning after thinking I’d dreamt about the loss, but alas it wasn’t so. Man, it hurts. Honestly, maybe God’s trying to tell me something with this loss, or maybe I’m reading too much into this. After the game ended I did the usual stock taking: maybe I jinxed the team by insisting if they won it’d be the greatest day of my life – one that having kids or getting married mightn’t top; maybe that ex-girlfriend is getting back at me for watching footie in Holland when I’da paid attention to her; maybe I REALLY shoulda watched that game alone and in the nude; maybe I shouldn’t have teased my colleague at half-time when we (Arsenal) were ahead. Worse thang about that game is I hated myself for thinking like my bro, who is a Man Utd fan, that Thierry Henry never raises his game on the big occasions. I mean how could he miss two one-on-one chances, those are usually bread and butter to him!

Nah, realized it ain’t my fault Arsenal lost. Just read that ‘cos of massive support for Arsenal in Nigeria some rural folk dressed cows in Arsenal jerseys. U see, THEY jinxed us! Man, loss was so bad I dreamt I was among the cast of X3 and a tree fell on me while performing a stunt. Weird thang is in my dream I relished that experience ‘cos it took my mind off the pain of Arsenal’s loss. Amazing what sport does to peeps, actually contemplated fasting on Wednesday (the game day) if it’d guarantee Arsenal a victory. Did I fast when the 3rd term malarkey (more on that later) seemed like yielding fruit? No. Did I fast when the Iraq war started? Nope. But I choose to fast when my team’s about to clinch their first Champions League trophy? Heck yes.

So what’s been happening in ur neck of the woods? Moi? Decided I have had enuff of gyrating for middle-aged chicks and going back to my roots, breakdancing. Got an offer from some dude in Port Harcourt (aka land of Bible-wielding prostitutes from few blog entries ago) who’s running a breakdancing club and decided to jump - pun intended - at the chance. Hey, u never know until u try, right? Man, gonna miss my colleagues in Lagos and Abuja big time and li’l things they do. There’s this dude whose laughter’s so crazily infectious it’d be a ring tone. Honest. My colleagues literally made each working day a blast – yep, they always seemed to have colicky arses……ha. Man, I kill myself – and shall cherish every minute of my time with them. However, a bit worried that after most peeps found out I was moving on they didn’t enquire as to the reason why I chose this path or try to convince me otherwise. All I heard was, “woah, u so lucky. Congrats”, like I have been trapped in a prison all this while. U know how u watch those movies where some dude’s leaving prison and other inmates start cheering? Well, feels like that right about now. Man, really gonna miss these peeps.

My sister’s engagement was on Sunday and it was hectic for moi ‘cos kept running around making sure guests were aiight. At the end of the day the family agreed – yes, we have feedback sessions after each huge party – that this shindig was the best we’ve ever had and least stressful. We musta had approx 1,000 peeps show up and I didn’t get to eat ‘til 10pm; yet these peeps say it was the least taxing of other parties hosted? U what?! Come to think of it, maybe they are right. If I recall, I was either too young or in a, erm, herb-induced haze during other major gatherings so I will accede to the family’s position…….this time. Anyways, guests said they had fun so it’s all good. The wedding’s next Saturday so bracing myself for another torrent of abuse by drunks who shall be refused that extra bottle of beer. OBTW I think I’ve found the least-expensive access to girls’ hearts: babies. Okay lemme rephrase that, cute babies. Spent most of the engagement with my 1 yr-old nephew ‘cos hadn’t seen him in ages and the dude’s the cutest li’l thang u’ve ever seen. Anyways chicks I didn’t know would stop by and say hello. It was ridiculous man. If I’d only find a way to bottle this pheromone I’d be minting my own currency.

Other family news: Discovered on Sunday that bro in the UK, Ayo, is coming home on the eve of the wedding. Maybe I really am too blasé ‘cos everyone in house, including neighbors and drivers, has known about this for at least 2 weeks.

On the day of the engagement the Odeyemi males (sans dad) were shooting the breeze and as is our wont we picked on someone to take the piss out of. The unlucky individual turned out to be my immediate younger bro, Loye. Overheard the dude expressing his intention to pick up his girlfriend; this, when the commencement of the engagement ceremony was only half an hour away. This led to the following exchange.

Kinzo: “Are u a punk? U hosting something at ur crib yet u wanna leave ur guests to pick up some chick?”
Loye: “But…”
Jide (youngest male): “Always knew u were whipped.”
Loye: “But…”
Tayo (oldest male): “What’s happening? No, son, u’d not do that. If she doesn’t drive, can’t she get in a cab?”
Loye: “But…”
Tunde: “I have seen the chick and she’s fine, but not that fine, dude. C’mon, tell her to take a cab.”
Loye: “Yes, I was gonna say that and …..”
Jide: “Liar u, if we hadn’t said anything u’da gone to her’s.”
Kinzo: “Yeah, that’s true. How u sure she’s not sleeping with some dude as we speak?”
Tunde: “Ha. Loye, these boys aren’t ur brothers….lol, but since we on that topic…”
Tayo: “Lol…that’s crazy. Dude, I can give u countless cases of…….”
Kinzo: “Yep, countless cases of when some chick’s done sleeping with some guy, comes to see me and as soon as I do my thang, she’s off to her boyfriend’s or some other dude.”
Tunde: “True that. There was this chick in the UK and another in Nigeria, u see they’d lie to their boyfriends they were going somewhere else and would show up at mine. So true, maybe ur girlfriend’s doing that right now. Ha.”
Loye: “I trust her, she cannot do that. She is…….”
Jide: “Always knew u were whipped.”
Kinzo: “Sad man. Look, don’t ever trust any woman. Lemme tell u of another scenario when……”
Tayo: “Look, women are nastier as us guys. U just gotta make sure u know what u’re doing.”
Tunde: “Exactly. I mean the fact that she’s cheating on u don’t make her bad.”
Kinzo: “Lol…..Yellow, u crazy. Lemme tell u about this other chick who had a boyfriend outta town….”

This musta gone on for at least 10 minutes. Bloody hilarious. Before y’all feel bad for Loye he does the same when the focus is on someone else. It’s almost like a rite of passage for Odeyemi males. Poor Loye musta doubted his girlfriend’s sincerity by the end of the, erm, tête-à-tête. Hmmmm…..maybe it’s time we Odeyemi males became more sensitive to each other’s feelings………………..nah, I mean what fun would that be?

Nigerian political scene: As most of y’all musta heard the 3rd term malarkey’s ended after the Senate finally developed some cojones and rejected the bill that contained the tenure elongation clause. First, OBJ said he wanted to go back to his chickens after end of his 2nd term; then, when the 3rd term thang was all the rage he said he won’t do anything unconstitutional; finally, after the Houses of Assembly finally did what they are paid to do, the dude said he never had nada to do with 3rd term in the first place. Oi, did y’all just see that pig zoom overhead? C’mon son, wanna tell me if the bill had been passed the dude wouldn’t have contested the next election?

Okay maybe I’d stop ranting and actually take the man at his word. Really thank God OBJ didn’t try to fight the will of the people. Didn’t I always tell y’all God was Nigerian? Funniest thang about this is that even though 3rd term’s ended opponents of the 3rd term are still scared of what OBJ might do. Absolutely ludicrous. Glad the 3rd term agenda failed ‘cos its proponents were getting a li’l too cocky. The PDP chairman once called opponents of 3rd term, “selfish egocentric and power-seeking people.” Whatever dude. In a sure sign that my songwriting hobby’s catching on the Deputy Senate President (main 3rd term culprit) was reportedly, “booed by colleagues………and some members began to chant disparaging slogans depicting that he was feeding fat on their collective fortunes and that of the nation. The song goes thus: "Things are getting better, Mantu is getting fatter, for the Lord will not accept, Mantu is getting fatter, Mantu is getting fatter, Mantu is getting fatter…..” A sure fire hit song if u ask me.

In other political news, Tony Blair’s not having it easy either. Dude’s stayed there so long problems (read, scandals) that drove the Tories outta power are threatening to turn that perma-fixed smile – man, dude smiles so much u’d think he was a gymnast in the Olympics, or even worse, an atilogu dancer – into a frown. The Labour scandal du jour when I was in the UK a few months back was the loans for peerage absurdity. Yup, find it absurd that peeps choose to pay thousands of pounds sterling in exchange for a lordship when for a thousandth of that sum they’d get multiple chieftaincy titles in Nigeria!

In the US….u know what, let’s skip that for now as I don’t have all day. Should I begin with the NSA eavesdropping on Americans, or the situation in Iraq, or the immigration kerfuffle? Nope, it’s best we skip that…for this week at least.

Sports news: To take my mind off Arsenal’s loss I am concentrating more on the NBA Playoffs and loving every minute of it. Am I gonna tell y’all what team I’m rooting for? Uh huh, don’t wanna jinx them; and besides, don’t think my heart can take another sports-related loss. While watching the games I realized I cannot stand the following.

1. Sports commentary with crap ass statistics: ‘Phil Jackson has never lost a playoff game when his team has led by more than ten points, and he has on a grey sports jacket with no breast pocket, and the game’s being played in a domed arena, and the outside temperature is above 99, and his dad is watching the game from home with his hair combed over to the left over his bald pate…….’ And I’m supposed to care ‘cos?

2. Athletes guaranteeing victory like Rasheed Wallace did 2ice during the playoffs. Dude ended up looking like a punk ass punk when his team lost both games he’d guaranteed they’d win. After the first loss he said, “It don’t matter. I mean even the sun shines on a dog’s ass now and then. I GUARANTEE we’re gonna beat them.” Then his team loses again and all of a sudden Rasheed discovers his long-forgotten congenital reticent gene. Punk ass punk.

3. American sports stars, especially the black ones, referring to themselves in the third person: U know the usual “Shaq’s gonna do what’s right for Shaq”, etc. C’mon son! I know there’s a term for people like that….and no it’s not ‘punk ass punks’. Serious, I read somewhere that peeps that do that are called illiests or something that rhymes with that. Pls if u know the answer lemme have it and I’ll send u my lucky g-string.

Other sports news: Tiger’s dad, Earl, passed away earlier this month. Please pray for the family.

In order to promote his new book chubby golfer John Daly confessed to losing $40-50m on gambling. Then, as if angered that someone was stealing his thunder, chubby ex-basketballer Charles Barkley fessed up as well. Could be there’s something in the food. Ha. Or maybe every celebrity in America feels they need to pull out the victim card now and then. Charles was asked, “do u believe John Daly when he says he lost $50-60m on gambling?” “Well, I don’t think it’s that much ‘cos if u lose $50-60m that means u must have made much more. I believe it’s maybe $20-30m and I hope he, sorry, WE can resolve OUR gambling problem.” “What, u mean u have a problem too, Charles?!” “Yes, a little. I mean I enjoy gambling and I am NOT gonna stop, but I want to get to a point where I’d be happy spending $1,000 a hand instead of $10,000; so that way I don’t lose as much.” Whatever, Charles, if u need some excitement in ur life go share a buffet with Shaq. Peeps, don’t be surprised if u hear Charles has a book coming out soon.

Entertainment news: Hype Williams is either the laziest music video director out there or the smartest. He does this thing on his videos now where the image is split into 3 horizontals screens showing different stuff. It was nice when it started, but now it’s pissing me off. Watch NeYo’s So Sick, Beyonce’s Check On It, Jamie Foxx’s Unpredictable, etc. and u’ll see what I am talking about. It’s literally, copy and paste; and the dude is paid over $100,000 per video. Nice job if u can get it.

Speaking of Jamie, saw one of those E! ranking shows listing Jamie Foxx as one of Hollywood’s hottest young stars. Jamie’s friggin’ 40 years old. That’s not young any way u look at it.

Saw a trifecta on bad movies last week: U’ve Been Served, Honey and….can’t remember the last one. Guess that’s what boredom in Abuja does to u….or maybe I’ve been imbibing exceedingly dangerous clips of Big Brother Nigeria. Anyways, choreography on U’ve Been Served was amazing. That said, dunno what I was expecting from the movie, but wasn’t impressed. Funniest scene was the end when two dueling groups were tied on points and Li’l Kim (who was one of the judges) suggests they take it “street”. Erm, excuse me, what was the difference b/w what was done earlier in the competition and the new “street” dance? So-called street dance was about as edgy as a sphere. Lol….man, maybe Li’l Kim’s better off in jail after all. She’s bete noire to movie lovers everywhere. Her acting’s so atrocious she’d be christened ‘the female Ja Rule’, or even worse, ‘the black Madonna’.

In other news, nothing funny to say about Sharon Stone this week. Sorry peeps, maybe it’s time I went and thought up some. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh yeah, Tunde just discovered the team Tunde was rooting for are now out of the NBA playoffs. Forget crap ass pheromones maybe Tunde’d sell Tunde’s ‘anti-victory’ services to sports fans. Yup, if u want the opposition to lose don’t bother bribing referees just give Tunde a shout.

PPS
Colleagues (soon to be ex-colleagues) organized a li’l surprise gathering as this is my last week with them. Had expected to be ribbed, and was, but was really moved by the speeches they gave about me. Almost brought a tear to the eye. I thank God I left some sorta positive impression on people’s hearts. Must remember to thank these guys during my Oscar acceptance speech.