NeYo, turn off the friggin’ radio!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo usted ha sido? I know I still owe you guys update on my trip abroad, but gotta inform u guys of stuff that’s happened since last blog. Just to warn y’all, this might be my most personal blog yet….erm, y’all might wanna get out the box of Kleenex also. No, save the box of Kleenex for when Arsenal win the Champions League. Boy o boy. Such tears of joy! OBTW had to cough up about $150 for a bet I made at the beginning of the season that Arsenal would finish in the Premiership’s top 3. That’s taught me not to bet on nada ever in life. Even more painful that I lost bet to my sister’s boyfriend. Dude had better marry my sister now or else I’m finding ways to get bucks back.

Ever wonder where Babyface, Brian McKnight, etc get their inspiration from? U think it’s a coincidence that both dudes have had, how shall we say, less successful album sales in recent years? Think it’s also a coincidence that they’ve both separated from their better-halves? Non, mon ami. Now I know it’s all been a grand plan to get back their songwriting mojo. They chose to leave their wives after their earlier plan failed: hanging outside niteclubs so they’d record their conversations of couples falling out. Ha huh ha huh ha Yup, my 10-month relationship’s ended. I know what y’all are thinking and yes, I didn’t wanna tell u guys either, but I have got an idea and I need feedback from y’all to see it through. If the aforementioned stars, Daniel Beddingfield, James Blunt et al can convert their heartache into hits then by golly Tunde’s gonna get on that bandwagon and ride ‘til the wheels fall off. So here’s where y’all come in: I have got a crap voice and am desperately seeking a singing coach. Any takers?

Usually a relationship ends and I’m glad ‘cos it means I can flirt with more chicks without feeling guilty, but this time, unlike my other 10-month relationship (that one was in the 90s….man, that phrase makes me feel even older than my 29 years.), I took some time out to reflect on what I’da done better: ….maybe I introduced her to my family too soon, maybe I shouldn’t have met her's, maybe I’d not have smoked that blunt before meeting her dad…… However, after a few tokes of the herb – yes, I am now an occasional erm, toker - I reconciled to myself that even though I woulda redone some things, all in all, I believe I did my best. Maybe I should organise a reunion of ex’s (obviously, those that don’t wanna poison me slowly til my face becomes like Viktor Yushchenko’s), u know, kinda like a feedback session on stuff I’d keep doing, stuff I’d improve on, and stuff I’d completely give up.

Always used to tell peeps I’d be the ideal husband, but not-so-perfect boyfriend. How do I hope to reconcile this dichotomy? Dunno, that’s why I might need that intervention I spoke of earlier. U see there’s some idiosyncrasy I call Tunde’s Response Time (TRT) and this means I don’t usually discover stuff I have done wrong ‘til I’m outta a relationship and by then it’s too late. Here are some examples:

1. Girlfriend N: “C’mon, I flew all the way from the UK to see u in Holland and first thing u do when we get home is turn on the TV?!
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “But the Champions League kicked off today. Couldn’t watch any of the games ‘cos had to meet u at the airport. Can’t I just catch the highlights?”

2. Girlfriend P: “It’s Valentine’s Day! Where have you been?”
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “Sorry. Just spent a few hours at the gym. Thought u said Val’s Day was no big deal.”

3. Tunde (under influence of TRT) to best mate of chick I think I asked out: “U know yesterday when I may have asked ur friend out? Please explain to her that I was drunk and wasn’t sure what I was doing.”

4. Girlfriend H: “Can’t believe u are moving to America. I dunno how I’m gonna cope. Since u are moving in July, how about we break up in June so I can get used to u being away?
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “I have an even better idea. How about we break up now?”

5. Girlfriend J: “My folks would like to meet u.”
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “Why in heck would they wanna do that?! We’ve only been going out for 2 weeks.”

6. Girlfriend S: “I miss u so much.”
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “That’s ‘cos we’ve only been away from each other for a day. Give urself a few more days and u’ll get over it.”

In my defense I must say that whenever I received an epiphany on the atrocity committed I’ve contacted the injured party, either directly or thru a conduit, to apologize for my actions. (I know point 3 above sounds extremely callous, but I was a teenager then and had never had a girlfriend up to that point.) Was counting the other day and most recent ex was my 10th girlfriend. If I was the cliché mid-30s dude I’d marry the next girl I came across but since I have a killer six-pack I’ll wait for Angelina to dump Brad. Ha.

Any relationship regrets? Not really ‘cos feel all stuff I went thru in relationships somehow shaped me into the man I am today; almost like ex’s are sculptors chipping off excess block to create a beautiful, more emotionally-responsive Adonis. Hee. Hee. By the time I’m ready to settle down I’d make one heckuva husband.
Seriously though, I cringe when I remember some of the things I have done and only hope I win an Oscar so I can apologize to ex’s, especially Girlfriend P (yep, did even worse things after the Val’s Day fiasco), in front of the entire planet. If y’all ex's ever read this blog from the bottom of my heart I AM TRULY SORRY.

That said, folks never learn. They think trying to set u up with someone asap is the best way to get over a relationship. Was supposed to hang out with a friend (and her roommate) on Friday night, but only the roommate showed up - friend made her excuses which seemed valid at the time. It was only til the next day she confessed to her nefarious schemes of trying to hook me up. Bless her. I know she’s trying to help out, but had to let her know I’d rather hook myself up. The whole mate hookup thang has never been my scene. Anyways, there’s a somewhat happy end to the hookup story. It seems mate’s roommate had recently left a relationship as well and on her way home her ex-boyfriend showed up. Seeing his chick with some other dude musta knocked sense into him ‘cos the chick spent all of Saturday and Sunday with dude. Man, it’s amazing how us guys are easily played.

Yeah, ‘cos of my new songwriting hobby I decided to keep a record of feelings/thoughts following the breakup. I’m telling y’all Babyface, etc would kill for inspiration like this. Here goes:

Day 1 (Tuesday): Oh no, she’s handing back the cufflinks she borrowed months ago! That’s not a good sign…..hold on, she wants to talk…….yep, it’s officially over. Actually expected it to occur soon after our last argument 2 weeks ago. Dunno how to describe it, but nada’s been the same since then. No matter how hard we’ve tried to get on something’s been missing. Well, kinda thought we would get over the hump after the talk we had yesterday. Shows how much I know. Kinda happy it didn’t occur after the aforementioned argument ‘cos I’d never have forgiven myself.

Day 2 (Wednesday): One day after breakup and must say I’m handling it better than I thought I would. Maybe experience from last 10-month relationship’s coming in handy. I must remember not to repeat mistakes I made then, like sleeping with every chick that smiled at me just so I’d get girlfriend outta my head. Nah, this time’s different. I am more mature now. Besides, unlike that time, I sorted suspected the end was nigh for this relationship after that argument we had. Man, stupid ol’ me, why couldn’t I have said what was bugging me at the time? Oh well, it’s over now. Must remember not to make mistakes of last time. Must take time to ‘move on’. Must….hold on, a colleague’s coming over……..man, what a small world. She knows Miss X who I used to have a thang for. Hmmmm….I wonder if she’s still single….no, must not make mistakes of last time. Must………oh friggin’ shut up! I am calling her and u can’t do nada about it. I need to get over these feelings as soon as possible. Ooops, just discovered she traveled outta the country yesterday and won't be back for another 3 months. Lol……who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Day 3 (Thursday): Ex-girlfriend called last night to discuss one of the reasons why relationship ended. Apparently, she didn’t feel comfy discussing it while we were going out. Hey, Arsenal won yesterday so life’s not all that bad. Hey, thought I was getting over ex yesterday, but feeling as bad as I did on day of breakup. Tempted to reach into the lower depths of li’l black book (okay, li’l grey PDA) and call some chicks I’d rather not hang with. Man, thank goodness I ain’t in Lagos or might have called those chicks. Screw it, I will call them when I’m next in Lagos…and no buts….Hey, colleagues saying I look tired, but I slept like a baby last nite. Told female mate about it and she said maybe it’s ‘cos I am heartbroken. Hey, it’ll pass soon……I hope. Yeah, also had interesting conversation with mate on how it’s a man’s job to mould his partner. Quite revealing. Did I give up on this relationship too easily? Have my blasé ways finally caught up with me? Have….hold on, there’ a knock on door. It’s Mohammed! Man, love hanging out with this guy. Asked about ex on way out and told him the score. Thank goodness he was on his way out as I don’t think I was ready for another “U are a man” speech. Ha.

Day 4 (Friday): Woke up feeling fine, but can’t help but wonder if ex is okay. I’m sure she’s cool.

Day 5 (Saturday): Weighing pros and cons of being out of a relationship. Excitely anticipating the Arsenal-Tottenham game. Man, wanna tell me we couldn’t have done more to win that game? Hey, at lest we didn’t lose. Man, hardly thot of ex today. Maybe I’m over her, maybe….nope, here comes the thought of her again. That’ll teach me to keep a week’s record of emotions!

Day 6 (Sunday): Some punk left his radio on full blast and Lamar’s Time To Grow is playing. Perfect. Just when I thot I’d got my feelings in check. Man, if I get that punk I’m gonna punch his face in and smash his radio….hold on, now that song by Daniel Beddingfield’s playing. Oh, I am definitely killing this punk.

Day 7 (Monday): Man, cannot be bothered keeping records anymore. I’d have enuff material already for 10 hit songs. Now, if only I can make find a way to make them rhyme. Ha.

So here’s what I’ve discovered about myself since doing a Craig David (not to worry, not all y’all can get the joke. It’s okay, really it is…….erm, u DID attend classes at school, right? Ha.): First, I can only abide by some of my own advice. I have taken to working out instead of just lounging in front of TV like last time. As a result, my MYSTICAL six-pack’s firmer than normal and my biceps are so huge birds have taken to building nests on them. Maybe it’s nature’s cycle of life, u know where ur ‘get over girlfriend’ regimen helps to make u more attractive to other chicks. Ha. Maybe not, ‘cos mate just regaled me in tales of mates who’d taken breaking up real hard. Told me of a female mate who spent a week crying, drinking and smoking after her boyfriend left her. Ouch. When I asked her why she told me this, she said it was 'cos she felt I wasn’t grieving enuff for someone who just broke up. Hmmmm….dunno whether I’d thank her or slap her for this insight. I am beginning to suspect she’s a sadomasochist. Ha.

Next, discovered flirting with other chicks helps to get ex off ur mind…at least temporarily. U see once flirting’s over and u thinking over stuff u cannot help but think of the things the other chicks don’t have compared to ur ex. So flirting’s not the way to go.

Third, it’s easier to get over ex when u not around each other. (Duh.) Working away from Lagos is not so bad, especially as I get to avoid crazy traffic. Just wishing the club’s management would make up their minds and lemme know how long I am spending here. They renew my stay at end of every week, almost like I am a contestant in the Big Brother house. Speaking of which, do y’all watch Big Brother Nigeria? Not an avid fan but cannot help knowing what’s going on as mates watch the show in my room. Got one beef: wanna tell me the producers could not find more attractive women for that show? This isn’t Big Brother for UK soap stars u know. Must say that Africans are loving it, but don’t get why. How can u be fascinated by watching people live in a house? I find that it deadens my brain cells after a few minutes of viewing. The other day, after watching for 3 mins, forgot how to knot a tie. Serious. To be safe I have bought a pair of loafers ‘cos tying shoe laces might soon become a problem if mates keep watching that show when I am in the room.

Sorry to digress. Fourth thang I’ve discovered about myself is I find it most annoying when casual acquaintances find out about relationship and wanna know what happened. Y’all wanna know? Well, nunya….i.e. nunyabusiness. Thing is when I tell them they probe even deeper. Who are they, Oprah? Arrrrgggghhhhh. Man, maybe I’d adopt the Hollywood line du jour: irreconcilable differences.

Fifth thang? My dad has an emotional side, well, kinda. Don’t usually tell him about relationships but stuff arose and I had to mention it. The following exchange ensued:

Dad (obviously shocked): “When did this happen?”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “okay, when did my dad turn to Cliff Huxtable?”*): “About 3 weeks ago.”
Dad: “Why didn’t u tell me? U’da told me.”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “okay, who’s this dude in front of me? We’ve never spoken about relationships before. What’s wrong with u old man? U have 12 kids, end of a non-marital relationship by one of them is not a big deal”*): “It’s not a big deal.”
Dad: “So what happened?”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “now u must be kidding me. Is there a secret camera somewhere recording all this? Am I on Nigeria’s version of PUNK’D?*): “Erm, irreconcilable differences.”
Dad: “Oh I see. Know of a number of friends whose kids encountered a similar problem. It will be okay.”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “woah, dude’s got feelings. Almost like a sitcom moment. I feel like Theo! Nah, I am Theo! Should I hug him? No, he’s in his undies and on the other side of the room. Gonna look weird.”*): “Thanks, dad. I’ll just go back to my exercises now.”
Dad: “Before u go, just wanna say, it’s okay. There are other girls out there, just keep ur eyes peeled.”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “A ha. I knew there was a kicker in there. Sitcom moment my blistered ass cheeks! Other girls out there, huh? Who says I want ‘other’ girls? Hey, at least he didn’t say ‘there’s more fish in the sea’. Speaking of which I gotta go use the white throne again. It’s the 6th time today. I’dn’t have eaten fish at the hotel yesterday. How am I gonna perform for clients now?”*): “I’ll be sure to do that, sir.”

In a related story, my Sherlock Homeboy skills – okay, mom was doing her own sitcom mom thang – unearthed that my dad initially had a chick he was gonna marry, but his mom was against it so he had to let her go and it hurt him a lot. See? Always told y'all females EVERY player out there began with good intentions, but after a broken heart they let it all hang out. Hey, maybe if my grandma (God rest her soul) had let my dad tie the knot with his first love he’da been a monogamous dude. Found out the lady and her husband are actually close friends of the family, though don’t think I have ever met them. Guess I’m just like my dad in keeping in touch with ex’s. The polygamous thang though? Not for me.

Sixth thang I discovered? This is a long ass blog entry. Ha. Gotta go rest my fingers ‘cos performing in a few minutes and got a new act I wanna try out. It involves……..nah, that’ll be for another time. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Arsenal are playing Barcelona in the Champions League final next week. Pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls pray for them to win. We need that win to keep Thierry Henry at the club. Not gonna wear any jerseys ‘cos feel it might jinx them. In fact considering watching the game alone……..and in the nude. Hey, anything for the team.