Bad news: Alams is still free; Good news: I am still good looking

Hola peeps. Srta. usted individuos. ¿Cómo usted ha sido? Been crazy busy writing a proposal to have retractable poles in all strip joints in the local area. Daunting task, I tell u.

Man, the political scene in Nigeria’s heating up every day. In the past few weeks the aide-de-camp to the vice president’s been arrested for “security reasons”. Yet, the VP says nada and he and the President put up bold faces in public, yet cannot stand each other. Almost like old Bond movies where James Bond wants to kill the baddie, the baddie wants to kill Bond, they both know they wanna kill each other, yet spend most of the movie playing silly test-of-manhood games. Hilarious. So much fun when I see two peeps who never gave a hoot about the public now clamouring for public support 'cos they've fallen out.

The President’s withheld the November allocation to Bayelsa State and sent in troops to quell possible disturbances. Sad, sad…..and the Senate agrees with the latter. This is democracy?! Now the House in Plateau State’s been ‘urged’ to impeach Governor Dariye. Unconfirmed reports suggest the members of the House who had diverted funds allotted for other activities were possibly blackmailed into doing this. No one would be happier if Alams (spelling his name’s giving me cramps) and Dariye were behind bars, but don’t feel this is the way to accomplish it. U either believe in democratic principles whole nine, or not at all. No half-measures here.

Peeps been telling me my TV idea won’t fly ‘cos of sensitive state of Nigeria and how government runs roughshod over peeps they don’t like, e.g. folk that used to work for the defunct Nigeria Airways woke up to find their official premises ransacked and bulldozed ‘cos government had given incessant warnings to leave. Sad thang is these peeps haven’t been given their gratuity and are owed salaries, and that’s the major reason they stayed in those apartments. The case is still in court, but that didn’t stop the government from flexing its muscles. Same with withholding allocation for Lagos State even though a court has ruled it had no right to do so. With actions like these no wonder Alams and his band of thieves can claim to be victims.

Man, thot Americans take the biscuit when it comes to unscrupulous behaviour (e.g. jurors in the Michael Jackson case saying they felt he was guilty….just as soon as they secured book deals; or take the O.J. case, probably all peeps involved in that, even jurors' pets, secured one book deal or more), but this Alams dude’s taking the piss. No remorse, no shame at all. Dude still feels he did nada wrong. Alams, of course, says he’s innocent, but so did Al Capone.
Anyways, the dude’s getting impeached by the House in Bayelsa State, but one wonders why this wasn’t done soon after his arrest? So, watching NTA News, which is unadulterated propaganda most times, and the Speaker of the House in Bayelsa State appears on TV to inform us they’ve begun impeachment proceedings against Alams. He gave his reasons: arrest on money laundering charges, jumping bail, etc. Funny thing is he seemed most upset with the fact that Alams jumped bail dressed as a woman. Almost almost as if it was an affront to his masculinity as a Speaker. Hilarious stuff. Even New York Times carried the story, here’s a snippet:
Under a Nigerian law enacted to help develop the oil-rich but long-neglected Niger Delta, 13 percent of the revenue generated in any state is returned there for development. Bayelsa produces 30 percent of the country's oil, and with recent sky-high oil prices, the state budget this year ballooned to $560 million, compared with nearly $300 million in 2003…………But the money has not brought widespread development. It has mostly paid for white elephants like mansions for the governor and his deputy. The 2005 budget sets aside $8.5 million to construct those two houses, along with more than $2 million for furnishings………And that is just this year. Since 2002 the state has spent more than $25 million on the governor's mansion, according to budgets on file in Yenagoa's tiny public library. The fence enclosing the two houses alone cost $5.7 million………Meanwhile, the Poverty Eradication Committee, whose purpose is not explained, has a budget of about $23,000, according to the 2005 spending plan, which is posted on the state's Web site, www.bayelsagov.com. That is a little more than half of what is budgeted for toiletries for state officials……. Now y'all understand why I am pissed?

Heard Nigerians now require transit visas to pass thru South Africa. South friggin’ Africa?! Man, actions of some Nigerians are making things bad for the rest of us. Maybe it’s time we retaliated. I mean first the UK suspends visas for first time travellers b/w the ages of 18 and 30 and now South Africa’s acting all high and mighty. Nigerian government should require similar stringent restrictions from foreigners. Maybe we'd require all foreigners to take ‘Nigeria Appreciation’ trips while in the country to understand the vagaries of us Nigerians. We’d even throw in courtesy visits to tourist attractions like Alams’ mansions and have them peek at his bank records. Higher paying tourists would be allowed to feel his tummy and if they pay primo bucks they’d permanently tattoo whatever they want on it. Kinda like graffiti, but more wholesome. When there’s no space left for tattoos we’d then send Alams on exhibition around museums outside the country. We’ll make sure he has 10 bodyguards this time……..u know, just in case he wants to repeat his Houdini act.

Entertainment news: Nick and Jessica finally decided to end their relationship. Two no-talented folk. No loss to anyone. Speaking of Jessica Simpson I was on the phone with my cuz in the States and he said he and the family were watching VH1 when Jessica’s shown walking up the stage. Next thing my god-daughter (his 4 yr old daughter) blurts out,“she’s hot…”. Lol…..he said he couldn’t believe his ears and asked her where she had heard such a statement. She innocently said, “that’s what boys say.” She’s friggin’ 4 years old! Says maybe he’d send her to Nigeria later in life. Like that’s gonna do any good. Heard on radio the other day that the Gay and Lesbian society in Nigeria is holding a symposium in Abuja. Yup, this on Nigerian radio. Who woulda thunk?

Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid movies, passed away recently. Shall always remember him for when I watched the first Karate Kid movie at my first crush’s crib. Still remember it was July 6th 1986. She wore this flowing white dress and was a heckuva dancer. Her house was in Festac and…….hey, reminiscing too much. Met up with her in 2000 and well, let’s just say I wasn’t as fond of her as I once was. That’s what movies do to u, u watch a good movie and most times u remember where u were when….nah, come to think of it maybe that only applies to watching a good movie in ur crib or someone else’s, 'cos whenever I think of good movies I saw in the cinema I most often forget who my date was. In fact that got me in trouble once: I asked this chick if she had enjoyed a certain movie and turned out I had seen it with someone else. Anyways, seems I always remember my date when I see crap movies in the cinema. In fact, one of the reasons I never asked some chick out was she’d bad taste, or was just unlucky, in selecting movies. Took the same chick to see PRACTICAL MAGIC and MICHAEL in the space of a few years. What are the odds of her choosing 2 crap movies both times? I decided that we’d never be if her taste/luck was so bad. I mean can u imagine setting up home with that lady? With her luck the minute u move into ur mansion it’s declared a toxic dump. Ha. Just kidding….well, kinda.

Anyways, back to Pat Morita. African American actors complain they have it bad, but Asians…man. Can u believe he once played a character on Sanford and Son called Ah Chew. Lol…makes me laff even thinking about it. Just like a black guy paying a character called Burnt Skeen.

Tunde news: Loadsa peeps saying I’ve lost weight. Haven’t noticed myself but, except it’s some huge PUNKED sketch that’s roped in everyone from the tea lady at work to long lost friends, I suppose they must be right. Hey, ever noticed how Ashton Kutcher shows up on PUNKED for only popular stars? Watch another episode and u’ll see what I mean. On one show Zoe Saldana (fine as heck with dark gums too…oh la la) got PUNKED and then shouts, “where’s Ashton? I’ll kill him…” Yeah, right. Like Ashton’s gonna show up for ur Drumline arse just ‘cos y’all starred in Guess Who? together. Anyways, back to weight loss. U see, been jogging more frequently in preparation for a marathon which I skipped out on ‘cos an interview was scheduled with a rival strip club for that day. Might as well have run the marathon ‘cos discovered this club’s got even stricter entry criteria than my current employers. There are 5 stages before an employment letter’s offered: Aptitude Test (I skipped this when they found out I have an engineering degree, but questions include ‘best way to untangle g-string’ or ‘best song to get a customer to spend more money’), Medical, Strength Test (e.g. how long one can do the split with a smile on one’s face while being pelted with li’l tomatoes), Special Skill (think I impressed them with my ability to retract and setup my soon-to-be patented Tunde Pole in less than 18 seconds), and Panel Interview (which consists of assuming favorite lap dance position while the owners of the club paint a portrait………in invisible ink....).
So what do y’all suggest as best way to put on weight? Please don’t ask me to stop jogging ‘cos I am already addicted. Hmmm, maybe that’d be a sketch on my TV show: the Running Man. A guy so addicted to running he’s forced to attend RA (Runners Anonymous) meetings that are held in a closet or a zero gravity room. Man, I kill myself!

Nigeria news (not politics): Nigeria’s 2Face Idibia won an MTV Europe Music Award. Good on Nigeria, right? Well, yes and no. Nowadays everyone, even old folk, wanna be either musicians or comedians. Hence, we’ve got all sorts populating the TV screen. Even long forgotten musicians are remixing their hits and releasing jazzed up videos. U know the music industry’s crying out for help when a 75 yr-old one-album wonder’s wearing a baseball jersey and baggy jeans in order to be 'street'. Hey, even Tom Jones tried rapping once, so there.

Chaka Demus and Pliers are billed to perform in a few days….are they still relevant?….and Ja Rule (definitely not relevant) and Kevin Lyttle are doing their thang over the Xmas break. U see it’s almost as if this 419 corruption thang’s pervading even huge companies. A huge brewery’s been sponsoring concerts over Xmas for the past 6 years and brought BuckTooth and rest of the L’il Rascals (aka 50 Cent and G Unit crew) over last Xmas. This year they asked the populace to vote (via text messages) for whom they’d like to see. Wanna tell me Nigerians chose Ja Rule and Kevin Lyttle? C’mon. I’m sure even Kevin Lyttle’s mama doesn’t wanna hear Turn Me On anymore….and only people feeling Ja are his kids…and maybe his wife….on the first of the month (not to worry, not all y’all will get it). I’ve done a quick survey and most Nigerians – okay, I only surveyed the security guard at the office…hey, decided to get info from him since he was trying to extort money off me! – would rather see Kanye West, R. Kelly or Michael Jackson. The latter, mostly for shock value……..and to highlight the similarities between him and the Bayelsa State governor, when the latter’s in his Priscilla (as in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) mode, of course. Anyways back to the 419 thang. It’s getting closer to home now ‘cos over a thousand peeps dropped by the strip club with CVs as they heard we were recruiting for a client who’s thinking of starting his own leather clothing company. It was a shocker to us. After further investigation we realized it was a scam. Sad. Hey, just in case u were wondering, yes, the management of the club’s decided to expand into recruitment. Why? Business is slow…..it’s getting to the festive season and most of our female clients are cooking more, so have less time for getting their freak on. Anyways, we (strippers) were given harsh recruitment targets while being fed the we-care-about-u and this-company-can-only-grow-through-u lines. Sad thang is management doesn’t know this will lose us more high profile clients. Can u imagine the CEO of some company stopping by for a dance on her way home and then hearing, “U would like a dance? Cool, but can I interest u in our recruitment service first? Don’t bother posting an ad in regular media; use our service and we’ll screen CVs night and day – u know we hardly sleep – ‘til we get u the ideal candidate for ur vacancy. Best thing is if u sign up with us now u’ll get a free lap dance for every successful candidate we provide.”?

In another case of 419, the populace’s been asked to send text messages to some number to help Nigeria’s representative at the Miss World beauty pageant come back home with the crown. Huh, so what if the chick’s butt ugly? If text messages rule why hold a pageant in the first place? Damn liars.

Anyway peeps, gotta go back to that proposal. Actually, something serious just came up. A mate’s wife died during childbirth, but the babies (twin boys) are fine. Man, feel so bad for the dude. Seriously, it’s one of those decisions u never wanna make: wife or kids. Man. Please pray for him. Tot ziens and God bless.