Call me JOB

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo es u? ¿Yo? Aún muy triste. Yes, Arsenal lost yet again…..and to top it all off the Indianapolis Colts (American Football) also lost to put a crick in their quest to go the regular season undefeated. Like y’all regular readers musta guessed I’m pretty blasé about most things and think that’s why I’m being tested by this means. God knows I love football so He might be using this as my JOB phase. Ha. Seriously though, it does get under one’s skin. I’m a pretty pragmatic fellow, but find that football makes me do the weirdest thangs.

Was never much of a sports fan ‘til 1996 after Nigeria won the football gold medal in the Olympics. I chose to support Arsenal ‘cos loved Dennis Bergkamp’s playing style. Next thing u know Arsene Wenger becomes manager and we progress in leaps and bounds. I move to Holland for a bit in 1998 and we win the Double, I spend all of the 2001-2002 season in the States and we do the Double again. I move back to the UK in 2003, but traveled out, and we go undefeated for 2003-2004 season. Notice when I am resident in the UK we don’t win the Premiership, so some looney part of my brain believes I gotta be outta the UK for Arsenal to win the Premiership; hence I try my utmost to spend most of the year away from UK. That’s one of the reasons I wasn’t too miffed about returning to Nigeria ‘cos was doing it for my beloved Gunners. Well, as u can tell things aren’t going according to plan. We are currently 9th (yep, friggin’ 9th!) in the table, but I know, nah I PRAY, we come good ‘cos I sorta made a bet with a mate we’d finish in the top 3. Wait, that’s it; the bet! Lord, please forgive me. You know I wasn’t gonna take money off the dude anyways. Pls, pls help Arsenal regain their oomph, we badly need Your help.

U guys had better stop snickering, this is serious mates. U see it’s almost like how surgeons prepare before operations; one has to make sure the operating environment’s as sterile as possible. In Arsenal-Tunde case I gotta make sure I ain’t jinxing them. Used to wear my Arsenal jerseys to watch games on TV, but stopped after we lost bad on two occasions. Come to think of it Nigeria got trounced 5-1 by Holland when I watched them in the Amsterdam Arena……..and I had my Naija jersey on. Hmmmmm. Notice a trend here? I told y’all I wasn’t crazy. Wait, who are these guys in white coats pouncing on me? Hey, what’s up with this jacket they fitting me in? Wait……………………..okay, peeps I am back. I am currently typing this from a lovely padded room. The smell of disinfectant’s getting to me though.

So back to the real world. U guys aiight? Man, real sad about the plane crash. Some dude lamented at the dire state of our airports. Said he saw his daughter burn to death ‘cos no fire-fighting facilities were available after the plane crash. See, what I meant in last blog about previous leaders being flogged in public? How does one neglect such things in favor of accumulating more and more wealth? How much money’s enuff?!
In a bid to show he’s doing something the President sacked 2 high profile dudes in aviation ministry and set up a task force to review the workings of the aviation industry. Dunno why he did that ‘cos like other government ministries it’s glaringly obvious that corruption’s the root cause of inefficiencies. Also, doesn’t help that we have square pegs in round holes. No, not bringing up another instance of Alams trying to fit into his wife’s garments again. Sadly, no. Was referring to the Aviation Minister. The dude deems himself too good to resign, though the Senate and other stakeholders have suggested this to the President. Parents who lost loved ones on the plane also called for the minister’s resignation and walked out in protest during a scheduled meeting with the dude. Dude says he’d resign if he was sure that would prevent further air mishaps. He pledged to do his best to sanitize the aviation industry. Good response, right? Woulda been, if he didn’t make matters worse by chiding those calling for his resignation and lambasting them for not picking on the commercial airline operators, who have confessed to cutting corners to save costs, as well. C’mon, doesn’t this dude know how to pick the battles he’d fight? Push the blame onto someone, why don’t u?! With my luck at present, maybe I’d place a bet on this dude keeping his job. As a fall out from the public outcry, the President last week requested the Aviation Minister submit regular reports on what he’s doing to effect changes in the sector. Maybe next week he’ll help him cross the street, and the week after he’ll teach him how to suck on a pacifier. Ha huh ha huh ha

The President’s also asked the Minister for Transport to provide a blue print for waterways and reviving the rail network. Why do us humans wait for tragedy to occur before doing something? So now that we all concentrating on the aviation sector what happens to our roads? Sad thing is simple solutions such as proper illumination at night would drastically reduce the number of deaths that occur, yet nada’s being done. Maybe we’ll wait til a top dog in government loses his life before we ‘sanitize’ the road network. Sad set of punks we have ruling us. It’s all good though ‘cos change is gonna come whether they like it or not. At the moment, dudes that have been sidelined from the major political party, PDP, have decided to set up their own party “in order to restore principles of democracy back in Nigeria”. Sure, like they did anything constructive when they were in favor. One of the chieftains of this new movement actually moved (pun intended) a generator for the national stadium to his village. Think a dude like that has any right to call the President corrupt? Don’t mind this mudslinging though. As long as they do this they are bound to implode and maybe a better candidate from the smaller parties will emerge as Presidential frontrunner in 2007. Politics in Nigeria’s mostly made up of peeps who have been involved in ruling Nigeria in one form or the other since…well, since forever. Some of the peeps advocating democratic principles were chief sycophants who did their utmost to convince one of Nigeria’s worst dictators to hold on to power. Man, it sickens me. At least be bold enough to stand for something! Guess the dude with money always dictates the tune others dance to.

Okay enuff serious stuff. Saw Guy Ritchie’s latest offering, REVOLVER, over the weekend. U ever watch a movie and try to elicit some form of positive response from it, but cannot? That was Revolver. Man, I’da had more fun watching paint dry. Remember when I told y’all Madonna’s stolen this guy’s mojo and y’all thot I was insane? This movie proves y’all should never doubt my prescient powers. I vividly remember listening to some preacher as a kid. Dude said one’d be careful before embarking on marriage ‘cos if one marries the wrong woman that’d be hell on earth. Well, Mr. Ritchie, hope Santa Claus gets u what u really need this Xmas: flame retardant clothes.

Saw Ricky Martin’s I Don’t Care video and pleased with his new sound. Did y’all notice Ricky didn’t dance? He just did a side turn-clap thang here, side turn-clap thang there, and that was it. Feel Ricky though cos he’s probably at that stage of his life where he’s embarrassed to find he’s still doing the same dance steps from a few years ago. Worse still, he’s probably noticed he sometimes dances like his dad. (How come that always happens?! Guys, if u suspect ur kid’s not really urs, forget about expensive DNA tests. Just wait til he’s in his late 30s and watch how he dances!) Ricky man, I feel u. Sometimes a cool song comes on and I find out I’m still doing the ‘Getting Jiggy Wit It’ groove. I must state here that I started that move before Will Smith popularized it. Honest.

Other entertainment news: Richard Pryor passed away last week. Was a real funny dude.

Been dissing Nollywood lately and think it’s time I picked on the good folk out West. Read a cast interview for Sleeper Cell, a cable movie (or series….better not be a series ‘cos I’ll bet my Arsenal jerseys that it’ll get cancelled soon) about terrorists starring Michael Ealy and Oded Fehr. To generate interest Oded goes on a tangent about how difficult it was for him, as a Jew, to play an Arab terrorist ‘cos blah, blah, blah…look Oded, this is Hollywood; u’d be glad u have a speaking part. Hard shooting scenes my blistered right, nah left…hold on lemme check, yeah, my blistered right-arse cheek. Really pisses me off when actors try to sound all serious and make their characters seem unique. It’s called acting peeps, get with it!
Reminds me of the Making of Speed 2 where cast and crew were oohing and aahing about Jason Patric doing his own stunts. Some stuntman actually said, “if Jason wasn’t a good actor he’d have a career in stunt work.” U can basically tell a movie’s gonna be shite when an actor’s receiving praises for his stunt-work and not his acting. Same thing with TAXI when Latifah’s saying movie’s cool ‘cos it’s first movie Jimmy Fallon’s decided to play a starring role in. Sure Latifah, and what was so cool about ur role in that crap movie The Cookout?
Remember when I told y’all I’m pissed at Kevin Spacey ‘cos since American Beauty he’s only chosen roles that could generate Oscar buzz? Well, Charlize Theron tried to do the same with her last dramatic role in North Country. If that wasn’t bad enuff she followed it up with Aeon Flux, a movie so bad the film studio was too scared to screen it for critics before its release. I mean this was the same lady who dissed Halle for following up an Oscar performance with Catwoman.
All actors, especially female, are backstabbers. They’ll sell their moms for a good role. U can imagine the joy I had when I saw glimpses of Searching For Debra Winger on cable. It’s basically a doc by Rosanna Arquette talking to actresses about ‘the pressures they face as women working in the entertainment industry’. Basically, we have actressese shooting off at the mouth about not being able to play certain roles due to their age and stuff. The gem was Sharon Stone saying she’s real happy when she sees other actresses, say a Cate Blanchett, doing a wonderful job on screen. Yeah right, Sharon. I’da watched the entire doc just to see actresses feel sorry for themselves. I mean the movie had interviews with Sharon, Meg Ryan, Debra Winger, Patricia Arquette, etc; basically a cornucopia of has-beens. Notice how none of the current female stars were involved. I mean u wanna tell me Julia, Catherine, Angelina, etc wouldn’t feel hypocritical complaining about roles they can’t get ‘cos they are women? Shame.
Remember when Sharon, after Basic Instinct, said something along the lines of, “I’d call any guy in Hollywood and name a place and a time and he’ll show up…..”? Man, not since Vanilla Ice has one ridden the success from a hit movie/song for so long. Poor Sharon, she must wonder where her career went wrong; even paparazzi don’t pay her attention. That’s what happens when u believe ur own hype. She’d count herself lucky, at least she’s not dead; which can’t be said for Tupac who was another person who believed his hype. Gangster this, gangster that; well, gangster dead now.

Problem with actors and singers is they tend to take themselves too seriously. To y’all aspiring artistes out there, here’s a tip: chill out. If u take urself too seriously like Steven Sordebergh, Julia Roberts, etc u end up with a piece of crap like Full Frontal. When musicians take themselves too seriously they end up fondling some strange string instrument like Sting did during the 2004 Oscars.
Okay, I’ve ranted on and an about Hollywood. Time to stop. Okay, just one more. With the high cost of watching movies in the cinema I bet some of u would wanna know what to avoid. Well, I can’t let u in on my secrets (‘cos they hardly ever prove successful), but u can basically tell how crap a movie’s gonna be just from the trailers. For e.g. Laws Of Attraction, Thunderbirds. The former showed Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore in court, then she eats some spicy food and spits it out, he laffs……..point is it was a crap trailer, hence crap movie. Hmmmm, just occurred to me I may have way too much time on my hands.

Work news: Had to redesign the Tunde Pole ‘cos a colleague who’s never received Xmas cards got some – we (co-workers) felt bad for him so sent him loads – and wanted to display them. Since the club has no individual desks this dude wanted to display his cards on his Tunde Pole. Tried velcro, then glue….but cards wouldn’t stick. Then this Alfred Einstein (geddit?) tried extra strong adhesive. It got the job done, but punk forgot to wipe it off. To cut a long story short, he got stuck sliding down another pole. Had to rush him to the clinic and the dude’s now got a Michael Jackson swath on his left inner thigh. Don’t tell him, but his nickname’s Stripe (as in The Gremlins). Ha. Dude says he’s gonna sue me. Yeah, right. Like this looks like America.

Off to go buy football jerseys for the other 19 English Premiership teams. If Arsenal’s going down I’m taking the others down with me. Ha huh ha huh ha Tot ziens and God bless.