The storm is over.....

Hola peeps. Feliz Navidad. Xmas time’s here again and thank God for sending His Son to die for humanity. Unlike moi, most peeps regard it as a time to send cards and text messages to everyone in their address book. Funniest text message I got was from a mate who’s into dodgy deals and it read, remember Jesus is the reason for the season. I totally agree, but don’t u think I’d believe him more if he stopped cheating folk outta their funds?
Haven’t really been out this Xmas break. The nite I went out with my neighbor she fell asleep on me so had to drive home at 2.30am. ‘Cos she almost got mugged driving home late some months ago this chick was like a GPS device. Never knew one so frightened…and paranoid. She saw every ditch and pothole. Ha. On Xmas day had planned to go to a comedy show with friends when we stopped by another mate’s house ‘cos he said he wanted to tag along. As he was expecting female friends he asked us to wait a bit. Did so, and only outing we did was dropping the chicks off at their crib at 1am. Man, a wasted nite……at least I got to see Kung Fu Hustle, which was a hilarious action movie. Pure class.

Had the annual family Xmas gathering where we go to my dad’s church and afterwards go out for a meal. We had the largest table (13 adults and 2 infants) there and it was a joy to see everyone staring at us. Lol….what if family members in diaspora had shown up with their kids? Ha. Man, when we all older (and married) I reckon our family gatherings will be held in a football stadium. Speaking of marriage, seems December’s the month for weddings. Man, it’s almost unbelievable here; like peeps are falling over each other to get hitched in December. I’m not so pleased about this ‘cos now, there are more married people to taunt us single folk. Peep this: I sent text messages to fav clients on Xmas Day; Here’s wishing you and all yours a lovely time this Xmas. Yours, Tunde. Different replies came in but all concluded in same manner: Yours, Mr and Mrs X and family. Why rub it in? Even worse, my neighbor told me she met a long lost friend at a supermarket and while catching up on old times the chick whispered, “are u married?”, in a clandestine way; almost like, “do u have leprosy? Need to know if I need to avoid u.” Ha. Anyways, she told me she wanted to nod in the affirmative if only to avoid the patronizing look on her friend’s face. She said if she’d said ‘yes, I’m married’ she half-expected the lady to tell her whom to meet for best bargains reserved for only married folk. Ha. Felt bad for her as most of her close friends are married; almost as if she’s incomplete without a marriage certificate. Remember I broached this topic of marriage being like a secret society a few blog entries ago? And y’all thought I was insane. Shame.

More wedding news: A classmate from Bradford doing the nuptials thang in Ghana at year end and a female mate just stopped by to inform me of the date for her traditional engagement ceremony. Did I tell y’all my sis recently had an introduction ceremony and other sis is having hers in a few months? So it’s wedding galore next year as well. Sis’s (from my mom) introduction was cool and my step-mom was emotional when talking about my sis. See why I love my family? If there ever was a case for polygamy look no further than my crib. Ha.

Meanwhile, my second oldest brother’s refusing to broach the ‘M’ word even though he’s been receiving subtle hints from every angle. Lol…maybe he’s daunted by having to do it the Nigerian way, i.e. introduction ceremony, traditional engagement ceremony and wedding ceremony. Could be a little taxing and pressure-induced. I mean what if u change ur mind after the introduction? Tradition stipulates one has to write a letter to everyone present at the introduction ceremony to explain reasons for calling it off. At my sis’s introduction there were at least 40 people. If the thot of apologizing to 40 peeps individually doesn’t scare u then nada will. Maybe my bro will consider the marriage thang if he decides to marry outside Nigeria.

Kinda reminds me of the Jamaican boyfriend of a Ghanaian chick based in the UK. Here’s a brief history of Africans in the UK: If u Nigerian, before u leave the country parents caution u to be wary of Jamaicans as they could be a bad influence and could get u arrested. If u non-Nigerian, before u leave ur country parents caution u to be wary of Nigerians as..….u know the rest. Anyways, this Ghanaian chick obviously heeded her folks’ advice, but, while watching out for Naija guys she got hooked by a Jamaican dude and this guy was no-nonsense sorta folk. Anyways, her folks came visiting and she invited the dude to meet them for dinner. While making small talk her dad asked the dude what he did.
“Me no fit work fo no man”, he replied.
“So u unemployed or have your own business? I hope it’s the latter, ‘cos how else do u plan to take care of our precious daughter?”
“Dat what me hate bout razz African dem. You ask question pun question long time…….in fact, me go naw.”
And so the dude proceeded to walk outta the restaurant. Needless to say parents were gobsmacked. To cut a long story short she broke up with the guy and ended up with a Nigerian. Her folks were so glad he wasn’t Jamaican they accepted the dude with open arms. The dude later cheated on her and maxed out her credit cards, but let’s not dwell on that. Point is the folks saw a better alternative and jumped at that. Maybe that’s what my bro, or maybe chicks whose parents have been pestering them about marriage, should do. Introduce ur folks to the worst possible person and when, as expected, the individual acts out they’ll encourage u to take ur time in looking for the right person. That’d buy u a few more months. Man, I’m so good I’d write a book!

Could-lead-to-marriage news: Female mate just got into a relationship so she’s beaming like the sun. Real nice to see her smiling from ear to ear and generally having that ‘Phew, I’m no longer single. Now my mom can get off my back and I can start picking out the wedding outfits’ look. As mentioned a few blog entries back she’s now on a mission to hook people up. Lol….man, women are so predictable.
Even my mom wants me to get married next year, but thanks to my sisters I won’t have to pull the scheme mentioned earlier. Lol….got a feeling she and her mates act like the 2 old ladies on BBC’s Goodness Gracious Me who trade barbs about each other’s kids. “So ur son finally got over his drug addiction and is getting married to his nurse in 2 years time? So glad for him. My daughter’s getting married next year and so is my son. In fact, I am gonna adopt more children and marry them off next year too. It’ll be party galore in my house next year. Guess we’ll have to wait 2 WHOLE years for urs…..”

Work news: Cheap ass club owners are not throwing us a Xmas party. No party, no gifts, no nada. Instead they provide some dude with a keyboard to serenade us with Xmas songs. Problem is the guy only knows 3 songs so he remixes them every time I pass by the entrance. Believe me, u’ve never heard We Wish You A Merry Xmas ‘til this dude’s sung it. He sings it in different Nigerian accents and if u real lucky to pass by at twenty seven minutes past the hour he does a Whitney Houston cum Mariah Carey cum Celine Dion cum Chritina Aguilera barbling thang. Gotta hear it to believe it. This dude will go places, believe me. I can see him performing to crowds in not just one, but two cities…….in strip clubs, of course.

Brief entertainment news from 2005: Heard Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan and Brett Ratner all signed up for Rush Hour 3, and a third sequel is planned. Hey, I’ve heard of lazy but Chris Tucker takes the piss. Since Rush Hour he hasn’t taken on any other roles….except u count appearing in music videos for Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson. Hey, dude’s getting paid loads so who am I to question his work ethic?

Gary Glitter was arrested of sleeping with two underage (one’s 12) girls in Vietnam. This was same dude who served jail time in the UK for possessing child porn. This is racism, after all R. Kelly is still free! Ha huh ha huh ha

Hey, did u see Ray J’s new video One Wish? Lovely song, only wish he didn’t dance like someone having an epileptic seizure. Speaking of songs, also saw the video to Stick Witchu by Pussy Cat Dolls (PCD). Man, they should be called Pussy Cat Trolls as only the main singer is, in the words of my god-daughter, hot. During the Dontcha video I didn’t get to observe them properly, so couldn’t tell. Almost like with the Spice Girls and their first single, u know that Zigazig-a song. Clever marketing ploy u PCD, but I won’t fall for the same tricks Spice Girls used on me. At first I thot they were all fine, but later discovered just 2 outta the 5 were Tunde-girlfriend material. Same with PCD, just 2 outta…erm, how many are they again?

Elton John got married. Bet his ex-wife’s jealous. Ha huh ha huh ha Reminds me of this song I heard ages ago. Lady was heartbroken and sang her soul out. “I was ready for Sharon, Kim, or Lisa, but how can I compete with Mike?” Yup, she found out her husband was cheating on her with a dude. Lol…..real heartfelt stuff…..lol. Anyways, the thot occurred to me that there’d be more songs like that. I mean can u imagine a song about a gay dude trying to convince his friend to leave his girlfriend for him? It’d be a hit. Maybe more rappers should embrace this side of their personality like some dude on TV when I was in the States. Can’t remember his name, but dude referred to himself as a Homo Thug. Man, that was one of the funniest musical performances I’d ever seen. Well, excluding this musical reality show in Nigeria. Some dude sang about giving respect to prostitutes. I kid u not.

Unforgettable line of 2005: “I’ll bounce back.” This was uttered by the former top cop in the land after he was sentenced to jail for embezzling billions of Naira. Like all memorable movie villains he couldn’t go down without giving us a line to remember him by. Bravo. Lol…..even though the dude was only given 6 months in prison I’m cool with that. It’s about time the top brass paid for their mendacity.
Alams should be next. Saw a documentary of some dude who pretended he was dead and escaped from the US to Oz to spend bucks he had stolen. He used different names and took money out at different locations so it was crazy difficult to capture him. Not our erstwhile state governor Alams; no, nothing too complicated like that for him. How imprudent of someone to hide embezzled funds into a company called Solomon & Peter when one’s names are Dieprieye Solomon Peter Alams? Man, that musta been the easiest case of money laundering the MET ever came across. Kinda like joining the dots…lol…musta been less difficult than LEGO.

Nigeria news: The national power company, Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN), are punks. A few months back I was singing their praises to all and sundry. Now I’m wiser. They may have changed their name from National Electric Power authority (NEPA) to PHCN, but they still provide crap service. In fact what the punk asses provide cannot be classed as ‘service’ ‘cos most times they don’t provide power…..well, not until their palms get greased. Almost as if they feel we (my estate) all have generators or enuff money to bribe them so they messing up this Xmas season. It’s been almost 3 days since they provided power. I’d get list of workers and shame them…see why I need that pirate radio station? Hold on, power just came on. Whatever. They still punk asses.

3rd term agenda refuses to disappear. Last week, the Special Assistant to the President in charge of, er, railing insults on folk (?) Cannot remember the title of his office, but know he’s renowned for spewing vitriol at peeps who don’t agree with the President. Anyways, this dude warns the US government to “mind its own business” after a US diplomat was reported to have said they wouldn’t support a 3rd term bid by Obasanjo. Lol….just wait til Obasanjo’s out and this dude requires a visa to go to the States. Ha. Seriously, this 3rd term thang’s getting outta hand. The current president of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria (ICAN) says Obasanjo should stay in power til 2011 in order to finish his reforms. Real sad that learned folk are going this kiss-ass route. I’ll tell u what, why doesn’t OBJ stay there til he croaks and afterwards we’d mummify him and still have him as President? Hey, didn’t OBJ read the constitution allowing maximum of 2 terms b4 he campaigned to be President? I know I talk loadsa rubbish, but I promise y’all I’ll go to Abuja to complain if the 3rd term agenda is approved.

Price of oil went up after a number of pipelines were blown up in Nigeria. Man, who needs analysts to help in forecasting spike in oil prices when u can hire ill-treated youth to blow up pipelines. Terrorism. Yup, it’s the hottest item everyone needs in their investment portfolio.

Arsenal won. Thank You Lord. Sing along:The storm is over……I can see the sunshine……erm, those are the only lyrics I know. Off to learn the rest of the lyrics. Tot ziens and God bless.