I have a dream that one day all strippers shall use retractable poles.....

Hola peeps. ¿Cuáles usted los individuos ha sido hasta? Moi? Same ol’ same ol’. Pissed off ‘cos real broke and debtors are avoiding me. The worst is a so-called mate who owes over 400 pounds. It’s been well over six months now and tried both the subtle and constant bugging approach, to no avail. Even worse, I think he now has spare cash ‘cos he’s moved into a new apartment and peeps see him clubbing almost every weekend. Actually thinking of getting a radio DJ mate to holler at him at the end of her show. I bet if she does this for a month he’ll pay up……or it might just calcify that part of his conscience that’s urging him to hand over my moolah. Choices, choices. Hey, maybe this idea could turn out to be a goldmine. Peep this: I have my own show on the radio and in between songs listeners call in and rail on peeps that have been shameful. Sad thing is I doubt if males are gonna have a say ‘cos I’m pretty sure the phone lines will be clogged by female callers who have been dogged. Maybe once in a while I could get the ‘dog’ to respond to accusations. Woah, it’d be Nigeria’s answer to the Jerry Springer Show. Man, I’m doing this!

Speaking of things to do I’ve canvassed around and most peeps are keen on some of the t-shirt ideas. Maybe I’d make them limited editions and print out new inscriptions monthly based on current happenings in this great country of ours. Got this idea after reading The Jero Plays by Wole Soyinka, that kinda satire is badly needed in the country today.
Spoke to a few printers and each shirt should cost about $25….so get ur orders in…..and if u call in the next minute I’ll add this unique plastic hanger absolutely FREE…..call now while stocks last…... Hee. Hee. Of course I’ll be sure to give y’all, my loyal readers, free samples……..if u nice……..and promise to call ur local radio station and tell my debtors to pay up. While u on the radio pls tell the DJ to quit playing Madonna’s new single. Man, it sucks ass. In fact she’d be banned from releasing songs for 10 years for daring to sample ABBA, one of the best pop bands of all time. As a kid I was so smitten by the female members I prayed I’d get married to them both. Talk about making a case for polygamy. Ha.

The club management’s decided to take top earners, such as urs truly, on a team building trip to……wait for it…..the zoo. U what?! Exactly. I mean u hear about cheap, but this is downright church-mouseian. Hey, maybe the zoo’s apt after all. OBTW the strip club’s finding it difficult recruiting the right set of people for the positions (geddit?) advertised. Good news? Nah, ‘cos it means I gotta work even harder than normal. “Isn’t increased responsibility a good thing”, u ask. Nope, that’s the sort of malarkey one spews at job interviews. As soon as one gets the job one avoids as much responsibility as possible. That’s just life. Still, I’m securing my territory in case we suddenly get a rush of new hires; I’ve designed and constructed my very own retractable pole with suction cups at either end. Maybe I’d patent it, whaddayathink? It’s quite sturdy and can support the weight of three grown men…..who have been fasting for weeks…….and prior to that, been feasting on bread and water only……hmmm, maybe I’da paid attention during those Strength of Materials classes in my second year at uni. At least it can support my weight and that’s all that matters……It’s my pole and I can flaunt if I want to, flaunt if I want to, flaunt if I want to. U would flaunt too if u’d afford to…….

Came across a new term, from Paul Shirley’s blog, which describes a class of women: Disclaimer Girl. That is a girl so fine u insert her name in a pre-nuptial agreement. In my case it would be, ‘I promise to always be faithful except Angelina Jolie, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Helen Mirren, Halle Berry, Maxine from En Vogue, Salma Hayek, Regina Askia come along’. Okay, in my case it’ll probably be a Disclaimer Harem, but u get the picture. Told my bro this and he came up with his: Olympian. U see an Olympian is the same as a Gold Digger and got me one……well, kinda, ‘cos there’s not much gold to dig for at the moment as I've spent all my money fixing my ride. Anyways, she gave me her Xmas list in June and even though that’s outta order she’s so cute u just wanna give her what she wants. It’s sad ‘cos I’ve long heard about her, erm, strive for Olympic perfection, but was hoping it was exaggerated. Boy, was I wrong. Life, eh?

Decided to get a camcorder and assail politicians keen on posts in 2007 with silly questions. Almost like The Daily Show gang. Problem is not sure if Nigerian peeps would get my take on things. Screw that, I’ll do it anyway; it’s about time those corrupt pols got a kick up the backside. Can u believe almost a month has gone by and the black box of the plane that went down on Oct 22nd has not been found? The Aviation Minister gave a press conference few weeks ago where he announced that the color of the black box is actually orange and intimated peeps from his ministry would go to the crash site with a prototype in case one of the villagers took it by mistake. Well, never actually knew the black box is orange, so at least I learnt something new; but, why couldn’t these dudes have taken this action immediately after the search began? Crap punks. Oh I almost forgot to tell u that the same minister had initially suggested their difficulty in locating the black box could be due to the fact that it musta been destroyed during the crash. Believe that? Even lay peeps know that black boxes are virtually indestructible since they are made from titanium to withstand all sorts of wear and tear associated with air mishaps. If this dude hasn’t even fundamental knowledge about aviation why was he appointed to his post? I refuse to stand for this; I mean does the president think he can get away with this? I mean this is not the USA and the aviation ministry is not FEMA!Ha huh ha huh ha. Yup, cronyism is alive and thriving. Yeah, since I am still on the aviation sector, flights have been delayed on Sundays as the major runway, okay ONLY runway, in operation is being repaired. The contractor who was to build another runway hasn’t even started, though the job shoulda rounded off by March 2005. Next thing u know the aviation minister (again!) is frothing at the mouth threatening to rescind the contract. Hey, this stuff shoulda been completed by March and u wait til November – and after a major air disaster - to complain? Shame.

If it was just the minister’s fault we’d breathe a li’l easier, but airlines haven’t learnt lessons either. We’ve had at least 2 near mishaps after Oct. 22nd and my sis told me that she got herded onto a plane while arriving passengers were disembarking, i.e. no check on plane, no nada. She presumed this was an anomaly until she got to her destination and passengers departing for another Nigerian city took their seats while she was disembarking. The plane took off soon after, no mechanical or security checks, no nada. Only action’s that resulted from the plane crash is insistence, by the NCAA (Nigerian Civil Aviation Authority) boss, that names of persons traveling should coincide with tickets in their possession in order to avoid confusion should claims have to be made in the event of a plane crash. How vigilant!

Sports news: The Nigeria team is at it again. They played a friendly against Romania and the 3rd assistant handled the team ‘cos the head coach was away with some local team and the 2nd assistant was off doing his own thang in the States. As expected, they lost; three-nil to be precise. Even worse, the team arrived in Romania 4 hrs before kickoff, and had only one substitute on the bench. Meanwhile, teams like Ghana, Cote D’Ivoire are playing carefully arranged friendlies. Maybe one should kick the behinds of those in the sports ministry as well. Sorry set of punks.

Weird news: A Nigerian university is conducting research into using tortoises for espionage. Apparently a gizmo set at certain frequencies can send pulses through the animal’s shell, thus sending it in any direction one wants. Sorta like an animal remote control. Hmmm, maybe one should invent one for dogs so they can fetch our newspapers as humans are becoming increasingly lazy. I digress again, my bad. Back to the tortoise. I think it’s a nice idea, but except these are mutant tortoises that can run faster than hares, dontcha think the aim of the project is redundant? Say u want the animal to blow a place up, how long u gonna set ur timer for? Okay, say u don’t have a timer and u got a species of tortoises that were once owned by Japanese World War II fighter pilots (….not to worry u’ll get the joke on ur drive home…..), what happens when the intended target moves cribs? What if the target’s so high on weed he becomes as paranoid as Sean Penn, and refuses to inhabit a location longer than a day? Does the tortoise get to follow this dude around? Hey, how does one plan to secure explosives on the tortoise; what if it gets hungry on its way to the, erm, mission and starts nibbling on the explosives? Need to know all of this b4 I give my consent to the project. Okay I know, I'll stop inhaling exhaust fumes to get high.

Over the weekend I saw a lovely Irish movie called Intermission. Low budget, but brilliant; both funny and a wee bit violent. Amazing movie. That’s what we’d have in Nigeria. Man, I’d seriously get me that camcorder so I can make my own movies. A few days before I walked in while my bro was watching a Nollywood movie….wait a minute, notice a pattern here? Seems I might be subconsciously using my bro as a reason to watch Naija movies. Maybe I’m becoming a fan after all, maybe I’d watch more Naija movies, maybe………….nah, never gonna happen. Okay back to the movie my bro was watching. It wasn’t such a bad movie and had a nice storyline to begin with, but then the usual rubbish with Nigerian movies happened. The protagonist addressed someone and said, “Enough is enough!” Five seconds later a song on the soundtrack, nah, the ONLY song on the soundtrack, struck up. Enough is enough…..enough is enough……. See why I detest Nigerian movies? Take a classic Hollywood line like U can’t handle the truth! from A Few Good Men. If that was a Nigerian movie, as soon as Nicholson uttered that immortal line there’d be a piercing keyboard chord, followed by a rousing drum sequence, then the lyrics U can’t handle the truth…..the truth is too much for u……truth oh what a precious thing….hold it like an egg…..it’ll shatter soon….u can’t handle the truth…….the truth u cannot handle….. And this will play at ten minute intervals until the movie ends….and then play over the credits. That's why all Nigerian movies are unintentional comedies.

Gotta go……fill in the patent application for the Tunde Retractable Dance Pole. Yippee. Tot ziens and God bless.