Alamieyeseigha? Nah, more like Allow Me See Her. I badly need to see the pic of the transvestite governor.

Hallo peeps. Achtung! Achtung! Die Dieb ist entgangen! Yup, Bayelsa State governor, DSP Alamieyeseigha (yup, had to look that up) escaped dressed as a woman using forged papers. In a sign proving chivalry is officially dead and buried the dude left his wife, who’s also charged on money laundering charges, in the UK. Hey, he probably has loadsa mistresses to keep him busy. Maybe he’d marry the one that suggested he get a tummy tuck ‘cos it musta helped in his disguise. Ha. He musta looked like some ugly ass woman when passing thru customs though. Speaking of ugly ass women there’s this billboard on way to work that used to inspire me…….operative phrase is used to. Anyways, first, they had this good-looking chick on, then 2 good-looking chicks. Was driving to work yesterday and noticed they’d changed the pic. Get up close and see the new billboard chick looks like a man; a classic case of, ‘good from far, yet far from good’. Must be the first ad I’ve seen where a transvestite’s being used as a symbol of sexiness for a heterosexual populace. The person in charge of that ad campaign should be fired.

Back to that criminal governor. Y’all remember when I mentioned the white-guilt thang, well it musta had a hand in his escape. Peep this: a black mate once used another’s rail card to buy a train ticket. Time for check and the train inspector looks at the rail card, looks at my mate, looks at the rail card, looks at my mate again, hands him back the rail card and moves on. A cursory glance at the pic on the rail card would reveal that my mate could never be the owner. I mean the guy who owns the rail card and my mate looked so different even Stevie Wonder woulda noticed. Almost like looking at a pic of Jamie Foxx and mistaking him for Jimmy Walker (JJ from Good Times). The white train inspector probably was afraid to say anything for fear of being called racist or picking on black guys….and don’t come here with the trite statement, “black guys look alike to white peeps” ‘cos it’s mendacious and white peeps know it. They just use that as an excuse when it suits them. If u were referring to Asians from the Far East, ah hah! That’s a race of people who really look alike…..Ha huh ha huh ha huh….just kidding folks.

So anyways the white-guilt thang musta aided that embezzler in leaving the UK as the white or Asian customs officer mighta been nervous about asking this ugly ass black woman to step aside for a search. Can u imagine if he asked her (erm, him, erm, he-she) if he/she was really a woman?! The sad thang about this is that all Nigerians are now gonna be regarded as potential thieves. Don’t be surprised if u see a separate line for Nigerians at international airports now. U can be sure most countries will use this incident as an excuse to perpetrate all sorts of rubbish on us Nigerians. God help us. Maybe I’da taken that fat (sorry big-boned), single-toothed chick’s offer - a massage in exchange for a green card - in the States……..nah, I’da had to spend more bucks than I already am on shrinks. Man, that woman was so ugly she’da given Freddie Kreuger nightmares. Okay enuff digressing.

Man, feel real sorry for the people of Bayelsa State and Nigerians in general. U’da seen the crowd that welcomed “our governor”. The streets were teeming with peeps and the stupid punk thanked the peeps for their support and said, “God brought me here.” Man, so glad God’s not a man. Hmmmmm….maybe when he wakes up in a British jail in a few days – the Met has applied for an international warrant - he’ll not forget to give thanks to God for sending him back. Peeps, I am real tired. So tired of complaining about this country and our undying lust for money. If it’s not sycophants with 3rd term agenda it’s criminal governors with li’l regard for their people. Maybe God allowed that punk to escape to thwart any 3rd term bid by the president. I mean if the president extends his tenure then the governors have to do the same. Please someone, anyone, gimme ideas on what to do. Just so tired of complaining. Need to make a change. Actually considered running for political office, but that’s not for the immediate future. Need to make money on my own so I’m not accused of siphoning public funds while in office. Only way I can think of doing something positive in the naer term is having a satirical broadcast on radio or TV, lampooning our leaders and their actions/inactions. Maybe a mix of Spitting Image, Saturday Night Live and The Daily Show. Believe me I’ll have enough material to last a lifetime. Hmmmm…..now just to get that broadcast license…….hmmmmm, a pirate radio station maybe? Hmmmmm……well, while I’m hmmmming and hawing tell me what u think of these sketches for the Tunde Show:

1. A classroom scene.
Teacher: How do you spell the name of the governor of Lagos State?
Pupil A: T-I-N-U-B-U
Teacher: Good. Now how about Ogun State?
Pupil B: D-A-N-I-E-L
Teacher: Good. Now how about Bayelsa State?
Pupil C: A….
Teacher: (screaming) Wrong. Anyone else?
Pupil D: A….
Teacher: Nope. Anyone else?
Pupil E: T-H-I-E-F
Teacher: Excellent. Alternate spellings could be K-L-E-P-T-O-M-A-N-I-A-C or C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L

2. An audition for a Nigerian spy movie.
Director: Who’s next? U in the hat? Cool. Show us what u got.
Guy in hat reads from the script and does a terrible job.
Director: U are crap! Why waste my time when u’ve never acted before?
Guy in hat (takes off his shirt to reveal a washboard tummy): U stupid man. How dare u say I’ve never acted before? Do u know who I am? I am DSP Alamieyeseigha! I acted as a woman to escape from the British authorities. This is a spy movie, right? Who better to star in it? I am Nigeria’s answer to James Bond! The name's Alamieyeseigha. Diepreye Solomon Peter Alamieyeseigha. Now if that’s not a movie name I don’t know what is.

3. A workshop by Alamieyeseigha and Joshua Dariye (Plateau State Governor who also jumped bail from the UK) teaching other state governors how to elude British authorities. Workshop agenda include classes like Makeup 101: Bringing out the transvestite in you and Accounting 101: How to effectively cheat ur citizens of their future

So whaddayathink? Should I put them on t-shirts instead? Need feedback asap!

Other Nigerian news: Onion traders and yam traders in some market had a fracas last week. Serious. Only in Nigeria. Maybe they had a falling out over the recipe for yam pottage.

International news: Israel PM Ariel Sharon resigned from the Likud Party in order to "lay the foundations for a peace settlement in which the state's permanent borders will be set with the terrorist organizations being dismantled. This is not a new plan. I'm talking about the road map." Whether u like this dude or not he’s going with what he feels is best for his country. Nigerian pols on the otherhand……sorry, don’t wanna go there again.

Peeps, gotta go. Hey, just had a thot (since I am going ahead with my sketch comedy show and all). I believe the next breakout rap star will be a dentist or woulda worked in a dentist’s office or something like that. Remember, when 50 Cent came out he kept showing us the inside of his mouth where a bullet got lodged and Kanye West came out with a wired jaw. Those two have sold the most hip hop records in the past few years, so what’s stopping the next up-and-coming hot rapper going the whole hog by getting a dentist to mess up his mouth? I tell u, the dude will be HUGE. Okay, maybe I really should stop mixing mouthwash with battery liquid. Tot ziens and God bless........and please, please pray for this great country of ours.