One a penny, two a many....hot-pressed t-shirts

Hola peeps. Tiempo largo. ¿Cómo usted los individuos ha sido? Had 2 days off work last week ‘cos the government declared a public holiday to mark the end of Ramadan fasting. Did get some work done though, got my stretching exercises in and practiced my new act. I call it the…..wait or it……Dead Arse. Don’t laff. It’s kinda complicated as it involves performing a DIY acupuncture type activity on an arse cheek while bouncing tennis balls off the other. It requires absolute concentration as any false move could turn the, erm, dead arse into a polka-dotted horror. OBTW did I forget to mention that the acupuncture needles gotta be blazing hot as well? Why do I take risks with my life, well arse, u ask. Well, someone’s gotta be avant-garde, a pioneer if u will. I do this to teach the street kids to discover their innate talents; that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, that there’s more to life than guns and graffiti, that…erm…..an arse is a terrible thing to waste? Okay, I’ll shut up now.

Work’s aiight. Turns out they having a recruitment drive. The top brass wanna expand our business to other parts of Nigeria so we’re hiring 100 strippers, both male and female. Since offices around the country are still being built the new hires are gonna have to hone their skill here in Lagos. Problem is there aren’t enuff poles as it is, so I envision a time when peeps might have to move into the office in order to get a dance pole. Maybe I’d get a camcorder and record the fights that’ll break out during the, ahem, pole-vault competition.

Y’all remember the plane crash and how I hoped it’ll change thangs in Nigeria? Well, the plane crash only confirmed what I always thot: humans are inherently selfish. Most of what u hear peeps talk about is how they lost friends on the plane. The focus then turns away from the victims to them. Parents get angry when u don’t call them to inquire about their safety, even though they weren’t scheduled to fly that day. Even peeps with no link to the crash try to find a way to put themself in the picture. “Isn’t it sad about the plane crash? I know a mate whose cousin’s driver’s neighbor was on the plane.” Some lady was interviewed about the increase in number of passengers eschewing air travel. “Well, I am about to get on this bus now, but I believe if it’s ur time to die u’ll die. For example, my cousin was on that plane that crashed.” See what I mean? The other day this punk ass governor who aspires to be president in 2007 said the ff: “It’s sad what happened to those on the airplane. This is not the time to apportion blame; it’s a time of mourning. If u look at me u see I’m wearing black and u know I never wear black…” The punk. If this is Nigeria’s best hope for 2007 I think it’s best I moved countries.

In all honesty I’ve been guilty of this selfish behavior myself. After the London bombings I found out I was just like everyone else, i.e. telling stories about an acquaintance who was a casualty. Guess all humans just have the need to blab their mouth off about stuff. Reminds me of a passage in the Bible where it’s stated that once u are dead peeps soon forget u. As a kid I always hoped that peeps would mourn for ages when I’m gone. Sure, like that’s gonna happen; no public holiday for me. U see, shifting the focus back to me again. Speaking of losing focus I must confess that the first time I heard of the bombings I thought about two cheap ass sisters I’d met in the UK. They always wanted my bro and I to pick them up in our ride and when we suggested they take the tube they said they only travel by bus ‘cos “if terrorists ever attacked they’d focus on the tube”. Yeah sure. Since a bus was also blown up I wonder if they now ride bicycles around London. Sad pair they were.

Please I need help from y’all ‘cos this hypocrisy’s driving me crazy. Take Stella Obasanjo for instance, “she was a mother…”, “she was caring…”, that’s all we hear about her. Most of these peeps who say this probably didn’t know her. Most of these peeps would most likely have been dissing her a few days b4 she died. I mean get a grip. Noticed same thang when Diana died. Same peeps who were buying tabloid newspapers that slated her as a bad mother for taking her kids on holiday with Dodi Fayed a day before turned around and railed on paparazzi for killing her. How righteous. Same thing’s happening here. Everyone’s praising Stella for her courage and this and that……yeah, sure. Some media company is offering a 100,000 Naira prize for anyone who can compose a song about the recently departed First Lady. The same station played Candle In The Wind (the Diana version) by Elton John while showing pics of the First Lady. Almost cracked up, nah, actually cracked up when I saw that.

So what y’all been up to? Chatted online with a Ugandan mate from uni and reminded me of this white mate of ours who was real funny. Still keep in touch with him as we’d crack jokes about anything. No white guilt trip thang going on there and thatt was particularly refreshing. I kinda experienced the white guilt trip once…I think. While in Holland some white colleagues almost called me racist for not having dated a white chick. “U don’t like white women?”, they asked. I defended myself by insisting that I did, but just hadn’t dated one at the time. “It’s not like I only like black chicks”, I protested, “I mean my current girlfriend’s Asian!” They replied, “But that’s not the same as white, is it?” Weird conversation I admit. Maybe one of the dudes had a sister he wanted to get rid of. Ha huh ha huh ha Anyways, reminiscing about that conversation and recently seeing Season 2 of the Dave Chappelle show got me thinking. Maybe it’s time us Nigerians laffed out loud at ourselves. A TV critic, when describing Dave’s show, wrote something along the lines of, “…..a lot of comedians play the race card, but he has re-shuffled the entire deck…” Now that’s the type of crazy impact I wanna have.

So my Ugandan mate – also named Dave…..hmmm, come to think of it he kinda looks like Mr. Chappelle too – and I came up with this idea of having 419 t-shirts. I’ll expatiate. To the uninitiated – u lucky, lucky bastards – Decree 419 was signed into law by some military Head of State to prosecute advance fee fraud or as the local coppers call it OBT (Obtain By Trick). Anyways, that hasn’t deterred the criminals and ‘cos of a few bad apples Nigerians are now renowned internationally for telephone/fax/e-mail scams. Y’all musta received those email messages where u’re invited to provide account details to facilitate transfer of millions of dollars left by some dead African dictator. Anyways Dave and I decided it’d be hilarious to have t-shirts with 419-related inscriptions. Not exactly an equal partnership as Dave will face no recriminations if the proverbial hits the fan, just moi, but I’m willing to risk it. Some inscriptions I’m working on include:

419 is the magic number

Does this shirt make my tummy look big? Maybe I’d tuck it in

Search me……..I am a Nigerian politician

Dear Sir/Madam, I am the son of Sani Abacha, the late Head of State of…….please send us your account details in order to…….

Whaddaya think? Maybe I’d be castigated for being unpatriotic or making light of a serious matter. Hey, u gotta laugh, right? Only drawback to going ahead with my t-shirt enterprise is copycats. Yeah, another drawback is non-Nigerians, especially white folk, cannot wear those shirts for fear of being called bigots. Hee. Hee. Kinda reminds me of those It’s A Black Thing U Won’t Understand t-shirts in the 90s. If someone had come up with a version for Caucasians u bet ur last dime black peeps woulda complained. Reverse racism u say? Whatever man.

Also thinking of having one of those Candid Camera shows in Nigeria, but since we got crap celebs I might have to do make do with politicians. Imagine convincing a state governor that his foreign bank account’s been frozen. Gonna be real funny, but might have to move countries afterwards ‘cos those dudes long substituted their sense of humor for huge ass bodyguards.

Entertainment news: U know how Christopher Walken usually plays baddies, well seems Nollywood has someone similar. Walked in while my bro was watching a Nigerian movie and saw this dude smacking a chick. I laffed out loud and my bro said, “that’s nothing. This guy’s the official slapper of girls in Nollywood. In all his movies he’s gotta slap at least one chick.” Lol……kinda reminds me of some African American comedian who said Wesley Snipes seems to have a sex scene stipulated in all his movies. Ha huh ha huh ha In other news R.Kelly’s released first 12 chapters of Trapped In The Closet on DVD and says he’s actually written 22 (yep 20+2). Damn, that bro must be bored. Well, I guess he has to occupy his time somehow since high schools are back in session.

Sad news: The black box of the plane the crashed on October 22nd has not been located and rumors persist of villagers looting things from the wreckage. Hey, maybe some ignorant punk stole the black box. The head of the village where the plane crashed has asked the government for 2 million Naira to carry out spiritual cleansing of the land. Maybe if they pawned the goods nicked, sorry allegedly nicked, they’d afford to pay for the cleansing.

Funny news: Asari Dokubo, the leader of the Niger Delta Volunteer Force, was arrested on treason charges last month and is reported to be on a hunger strike to protest his, in his words, illegal arrest. Nigerians actually go on hunger strike?! I mean this dude always looked well-fed so his embarking on a hunger strike’s somewhat incredulous. Bet his, erm, strike involves eschewing third helpings of meals. Ha. Maybe if he gets real mad he might even refuse an extra piece of meat.

Politics news: The ruling party in Nigeria held congresses in the 36 states last week and a more disorganized set of individuals u’ll scarcely come across. Most states had parallel congresses ‘cos various factions were are logger heads. Thugs, amulets, police. It was a cornucopia of lawlessness. God help us.

Okay, off to secure myself a pole. Tot ziens and God bless.