Yes, I once had a thing for Tatyana M. Ali and Samantha Mumba

Hola peeps. El extremo está cerca. Primeros huracanes, ahora terremotos. Man, real crazy. How have y’all been? Buzzing ‘cos laptop’s been retrofitted so now listening to Country Western daily. Man, the songs take me back to the States and how much fun I had driving in my car Samantha. Samantha (not Sam, but Samantha) and I did have some good times. Hate to say it but loved her more than most of my girlfriends, though not as much as Tatyana, my first car. Remember when some dude in Bradford tried to violate her, but messing up the right door. Spent a fortune fixing it ‘cos my baby always has to look good. Good times, good times.

Job’s the same ol’ same ol’. Working like crazy ‘cos I’ve decided to strip my way to the top; I know it’s easier to sleep one’s way to a position in management, but it’s against my morals. Yes, I’ll titillate, but refuse to go all the way. So committed to this new way of thinking I find myself stripping at odd hours and odd locations. The other day I performed for this freaky lady in her back seat on her way to work. Yup. She kept looking at me thru her rearview mirror and screaming “shake it baby, shake it”. I swear she’s bipolar ‘cos about 2 minutes into my second lapdance, rather backseat dance, she stopped the car abruptly, threw money at me and politely asked me to get out or else she’d call the cops. Thank goodness I got a mate to drive behind her or else y’all woulda seen news reports about some dude walking along the highway decked out in a bowtie, g-string and a pair of fluffy boots. Man, how embarrassing would that have been!

Speaking of news, President Obasanjo says we are ready for electronic voting; ready to be cheated out of our vote more like. Lemme tell u how ready we are: on October 12th there was a dense fog in some areas of Lagos and visibility was real bad. Anyways, watching the news at night and the correspondent is reporting from the scene with a hanky across her nose ‘cos “this gas is affecting the nostrils”. She then proceeds to interview a cross-section of peeps with varying colors of hankies across their noses. Each person then posits a theory as to what they think is happening. Answers ranged from, “the gas is poisonous so I am covering my nose” to “it’s harmful to humans”. Must tell u that the guy who put forward the latter assertion didn’t even have a hanky across his nose; he just seemed happy to be on TV. And u wanna tell me the populace is ready for electronic voting, as if. In my humble opinion I think electronic voting would cause peeps to rig elections easier since there’s no paper record and there are no plans to test it on a pilot scale.

Back to the fog. As I type this a day later, no one knows for sure the cause of the intense fog. The state commissioner for the environment suggested what we observed was, and I quote, “an atmospheric pollution”. Come on somebody, please give this guy a Nobel prize for his insight. Seriously, if our leaders haven’t the foggiest (geddit?) idea what we dealing with, or its source of origin, then it’s time for a change. If George Weah can contest for the top post in Liberia, what’s stopping me doing the same here? Dear all, my name is Babatunde Olisameka Joseph Abiola Odeyemi and I’m running for the post of President of this great country of ours. I hope y’all will vote for me……y’all had better ‘cos I got juicy dirt on most of u and I’ll use it if I have to.

Wanna laff ur ass out? Watch Nigerian music videos, esp. folk who don’t have talent and family’s probably too afraid of them to let them know they truly stink. Man, these dudes really suck. The only comparison to this level of suckness I can think of is those infomercials shown in the wee hours of the morning in the States. One memorable one was for a totally natural drug for penis enlargement. Can’t remember what it was called but the talk-show setup used to capture our attention was so bad it makes one feel so bad one might considering buying the totally natural miracle drug just to put some money in their pockets. Too bad I’m black. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Anyways back to the infomercial: the acting was crap, the faux talk-show host had a shiny red ‘80s suit that even pimps woulda rejected, of the 2 actress/models (more like strippers) that were invited to convince us that ‘bigger is better’ one was cross-eyed and the other had a lisp so bad u’d think she was voiced by Mel Blanc. Seriously, it was appallingly bad, and that’s just like most Nigerian music videos on terrestrial TV. If it’s a religious song u can bet ur last penny it’ll follow the ff format: the video’s shot in a garden or public park and singer holds hands up in the air at least 50 billion times as a sign of praise, singer’s wearing a traditional getup and so are the dancers/backup singers, and dancers (who are probably from the singer’s church/family and are too embarrassed to tell the singers they shouldn’t have wasted their money on studio time) smile like Cheshire cats continuously. Of course, there’s the odd exception to the rule, but most of them are as described above. The other day saw this teenager singing a gospel song and was real proud that not all kids are into that bucktoothed, half-dollar-moniker punk……then I saw the saw the rest of the video where her parents/video director/deranged stylist/some joker who has a sick sense of humor dressed her up in some crappy white blazer that make her look like Michael Jackson. If anyone knows the chick I’m referring to, do tell her to get in touch with me if she ever wants to sue her parents; my sister just graduated from law school and I’m sure I’d convince her to take on the case pro bono.

Yeah, just discovered my sister plans to get married next year after I walked in on a conversation between her and my mom. I mean this is my younger sis for goodness sake and no one thought fit to tell me. Maybe it’s time I sorted out this blasé attitude of mine ‘cos it’d be the death of me. I’m glad she’s getting married though as her boyfriend’s a nice chap and I pray all turns out nice for them. Yeah, man, my prayers are working ‘cos now enjoy chilling with my mom and we haven’t had an argument in ages. I even told her about my relationship. Yup, I did. Whatever next, she teaching me how to prepare culinary delights? Not so fast.

Entertainment news: Sharon Stone’s supporting Kate Moss over her drugs shame ‘cos, in her words, “we all make mistakes.” Yep, her career after Basic Instinct’s been one huge mistake.
Just discovered that Babyface and his wife are separating. Hmmm, this coupled with Brian McKnight’s divorce a few years back (amid rumors of wife battery) makes normal guys like me feel somewhat less pressured. I know it’s sad to have such feelings as a result of one’s misfortunes, but these guys are damn good. I mean they wrote / write songs that capture the essence of a woman – go listen to the Waiting To Exhale soundtrack - and to think that they somehow failed at marriage provides hope to every slob out there who thinks he can’t measure up. Reminds me of a time in Bradford when my best mate Mohammed and I were dating two roommates. Mohammed loved to cook so he’d spend most evenings preparing meals for his girlfriend. Moi? I’d either get takeout – I put the ‘M’ in McDonalds – or conveniently show up at Mohammed’s after he’s toiled over the cooker for hours. Anyways, after Mohammed’s girlfriend yakked on and on about how great her boyfriend is my girlfriend starts bugging me about cooking for her. “Anything would do, even beans and toast…”, she said. After doing this for a few weeks I finally succumbed…….and broke up with her. Why u looking at me like that? Hey, it was way too much pressure! I mean it was a bad time for me: Arsenal wasn’t playing too well, Michael Jordan retired from the NBA, and I had a bad case of acne. Now u understand why I had to take such drastic actions, right….right?

Sports news: Nigerians missed out on a World Cup ticket. All I can say is na na na na na. Maybe this will teach us to prepare better for tourneys.......nah, this is Nigeria after all. Never known a country whose citizens have God at the tip of their tongues yet far from their hearts.

Aiight peeps, the ‘uppers’ are wearing off so gotta go. Wait, y’all didn’t know about the totally natural, erm, herbs?! 2 blogs in less than 2 weeks, even James Brown doesn’t work that hard. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Hey, just remembered. The name of that totally natural penis drug is ALZAIR.

PPS
Just thot of a bad joke. Maybe Brian McKnight wrote Back At One as a threat to his wife: One, never seen a face so blue; Two, I know u wanna hit me too; Three, girl it’s plain to see that my punch stings u like a bee; Four, repeat steps 1 thru 3; Five, make u fall over the settee; if ever u raise ur voice back at me, then I’ll start back at one. Here’s the disclaimer: I know physical abuse’s not funny, but u gotta laff, right? Okay, I will just shut up now.