Coming To America was autobiographical……my autobiography

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo está el tiempo en su vecindad? Man, was crazy hot today. It was so hot, I don’t think there’s any better means of convincing peeps of the existence of hell. Once heard of an American pastor who travelled to the northern part of Nigeria for a crusade. The place was so hot the guy preached from his car……..with the a/c on full blast…….and cut short the crusade from 3 days to a few hours. Hilarious stuff.

Ride messed up on Friday and had to drive home in the steaming heat with no a/c. Man, it was bad. To top it all off, some creep in a FERMA uniform tried to extort money from me for some traffic violation he alone knows about. Maybe I’ve got a Please extort money from me sign on my forehead ‘cos last week, some dude with a walkie-talkie (no uniform, just a t-shirt, jeans and walkie-talkie) stopped me in traffic and said I didn’t indicate properly before overtaking. Oh like I’m gonna listen to this dude with no ID. He called his mate (no uniform, just a t-shirt, jeans and walkie-talkie also) over and threatened to take me to their station (that probably existed in his weed-induced imagination). Long discovered that if u ever admit wrongdoing in Nigeria it’s just an excuse for peeps to run roughshod over u, so I told them my office wasn’t too far from the spot and offered to go to their station if I’d only pick up something from the office. Maybe the spate of kidnappings in Lagos convinced them to back off, I dunno, but next time one of those dudes stops me over some trumped up charge I swear I’m going postal.

This corruption thang in Nigeria’s driving me insane. If it’s not the law or traffic enforcement dudes it’s everyone else. Had a problem with the ride last week and discovered then that my last mechanic charged me loads for a used car part. Real hurt ‘cos after I returned to the country I decided that best way to deal with peeps is to trust them completely and that way they’ll trust u too. Huge mistake. When are us Nigerians gonna discover that quick money never lasts? If the mechanic had done a proper job at a proper price he’d still be my mechanic. I still hold out hope though; Nigerians pls prove me wrong. It's sad cos once you betray a client’s trust it can’t be repaired as easily, just like in marriage. Woah, just realized I used a mechanic-customer analogy to explain trust issues in relationships; guess I’m a ‘normal’ man after all.

Man, just discovered I complain loads about crap leadership, corruption and the like in Nigeria and I’m sick of it. I must remember to publicize great things about Nigeria also. In all honesty, I wouldn’t wanna live anywhere else ‘cos it’s such a dynamic, unique place. For instance, last Monday I heard the theme from Titanic (My Heart Will Go On…….and on and on and on) while stuck in traffic and wondered as to its source. Turns out it was from a motorbike. Yup, when the rider honks the horn Celine Dion belts out a tune. I kid u not. U gotta love Nigeria for these things. Here’s a list of what peeps told me they noticed in the past week alone.

1. Mate’s car broke down and ‘area boys’ (touts) who helped her push the car decided to push it backwards into traffic ‘cos they feared if they pushed it forward (away from traffic) she’d drive off w/o giving them gratuity for their 'work'.
2. 2 lame beggars on their home-made roller boards fighting, while other lame beggars watched, ‘cos one ‘trespassed’ on the other’s territory.
3. Saw an obituary in a newspaper and the dude had JP (Jerusalem Pilgrim) as a suffix. I mean the dude’s dead, who cares if he’s visited Jerusalem or not.
4. Mate was stopped by the police and as he didn’t have diddly squat on him the policeman asked to make a call on his phone. Since he takes the same route daily, the police guy now stops him all the time whenever he feels like making a call.

Okay, last one was facetious, but u catch my drift. Where else in the world can u experience such weird quotidian activities? Another thing, of all the public transport drivers in this great country I’ve never seen any wearing a pair of spectacles. Wanna tell me they all have 20-20 vision? Hmmmm, maybe that’d explain the reason for all the accidents on our roads.

I see another hurricane (Miss Wilma) is heading towards the Americas. Man, what a year for catastrophes, huh? There’s a joke told among ignorant Nigerians that our natural disasters are human. Feel free to laff if u Nigerian, but if u not, u know u can be accused of bigotry, right? Ha huh ha huh ha Man, it brings a joyful tear to my eye when I remember what ignorance / guilt does to peeps. My ex-girlfriend (she’s Asian) told me of a time she visited her Caucasian friend and the girl’s mom apologized for all the things “my ancestors did to your people”. What does one say to that? Just like when u hear Hollywood stars talk of their trips to AFRICA and u later find out they only visited South Africa. Or when black celebrities trace their ancestry to South Africa, Ghana, Nigeria (in the case of Wesley Snipes), but decide to their forefathers never resided in conflict zones like Sudan, Somalia, Cote D’Ivoire, etc. U gotta laff. While in the UK (at least I think it was the UK…man, this weed’s affecting me) I read an article about an African culture showcase. What grabbed my attention was a poem entitled Embattled Hymen. I think it was about female castration (…….or maybe the tale of a woman’s struggle to remain a virgin in this day and age. Okay, okay I’ll stop smoking the herb.) Anyways, the poem reminded me of a Nigerian artist in the Netherlands who said he’s a prince and only painted in primary colors ‘cos that is “what Africa’s about”. Yeah right. Dude (sorry, prince) probably didn’t finish art school so decided to make up for his shortcomings by using that primary colors line. U can’t blame us Nigerians though ‘cos non-Africans, especially Caucasians, lapped this shite up. U’da seen how excited my Dutch roommate was when he read that. “A Nigerian prince and a painter!, he screamed, “don’t u wanna go see the exhibition?” Musta ruined his perception of Africa when I told him that all Nigerians can conveniently trace their ancestry to royalty. Hey, if Hollywood stars can do it………

Entertainment news: Rocky VI (working title is Rocky Balboa) is in pre-production. Stallone’s slated to act, write and direct it. Man, used to be a huge ass Stallone fan as a kid. Even his looptiloop mama’s behavior couldn’t diminish my fondness for the dude. Here’s hoping this movie makes more sense than Rocky V or Driven. Man, the latter was a putrid mess; virtually dead on arrival. Even Gina Gershon’s upturned lips couldn’t give it the kiss of life.

Work news: The parent company that owns the club’s having a Founder’s Day shindig so all strippers from sister clubs are mandated to show up. It’s almost like a strip-free day. As a means of initiation into the family of strippers all new recruits are required to introduce themselves and show off their signature move before the shindig progresses. It’s not all fun and revelry though. During the course of the day we learn about the founder, what he stood (rather danced) for, words of advice from the dude, etc. U gotta admire the dude though; he’s 80 yrs old and still does active stripping. Not sure who would wanna see him, but ‘cos he’s such a legend of our trade – in his prime he was reported to have danced for 24 hrs nonstop, for a group of gay Arab princes - he still gets hired for funerals and such.

Breaking news: On October 22nd a plane from Lagos to Abuja lost communication with the control tower about 3 minutes after taking off and no one knew what happened for over 12 hours. Yep, 12 flipping hours. If that wasn’t bad enuff it was a local TV station that first showed pictures of the wreckage, while the government-funded NTA (Nigerian Television Authority), the self-proclaimed largest TV network in Africa, hadn’t a clue and actually insisted the wreckage was hundreds of miles away at another location. As expected, the reporter that discovered the wreckage was visibly shaken, but got pissed off when the emergency services arrived over 3 hours after she located the wreckage. Now y’all understand why Nigerians are so religious.
As at the time of writing the government-funded Nigerian Broadcasting Commission (NBC) has suspended transmission by the local TV station for “unprofessional conduct for showing close-up pictures of casualties........and stating that there are no survivors before the families of the dead were informed". Sounds like the antics of a sore loser to me. Man, u’d heard the so-called aviation specialist the NTA had on to explain what coulda happened to the plane. The dude and the interviewer were both clueless. I swear the banter b/w those two should be recorded for posterity. Here’s a snippet.

Interviewer: So what do u think happened to the plane?
A.S: As an Aviation Specialist I’ll have to say we need to investigate this further. First, I heard the plane took off at 8.15pm last nite, then on this very TV station u changed it 8.20pm, then 8.30pm. All these differences in time can explain a lot.
Interviewer: I see. Well, from the pictures shown it appears the plane disappeared underground.
A.S (probably wondering where this lady got her facts from): Are u sure? Disappeared?! Underground?! *cynical laughter* Hmmm, if it truly disappeared then there’s more to this than normal. Maybe it crashed nose first, maybe it was in a swampy area…..was the area swampy?
Interviewer (nodding to herself): Erm, erm, I think so……
That’s how sad the reporting was.

A cross-section of Nigerians was interviewed about the plane crash and one dude in particular shoulda been smacked across the face with the mike. “It’s shameful about our response to emergencies. Can u imagine the number of senators, the number of members of the House of Rep, the number of ministers who could have been on that plane?!”, he exclaimed. I must commend the Minister of Information for snapping at a reporter who asked him to substantiate claims that dignitaries were on board the plane. It’s this ass-kissing approach that pisses me off about Nigerians. Was on a flight from Abuja on October 19th when both the air stewardess (while taking us thru safety instructions) and pilot (while talking about crap stuff like altitude that nobody ever pays attention to) began with, “Honourable minister, ladies and gentlemen……” Who gives a hoot if a government minister’s on the plane? As long as I get my crap in-flight meal I’m easy.

Back to the plane crash, we are so ill equipped for emergencies it’s laughable. FEMA’s response to Hurricane Katrina is lightning quick when compared to what we experience here. The sad thing is we never learn….and those in charge are clueless. Peep this, a few months ago a bridge collapsed and few peeps drowned. When a former government minister went to the scene he remarked on how sad the incident was and suggested the peeps who live around the area be taught to swim in order to prevent such massive loss of life the next time. Yes, this really happened. In another no-he-didn’t-just-say-that moment a member of the ruling party responding to the recent hike in gas prices suggested Nigerians stop complaining and ride bicycles more often. Sound like a good idea? Sure. Problem is we don’t have pedestrian lanes on our roads; motorbikes have enuff trouble on Nigerian roads let alone peeps on bicycles. Anyways, some time after his statement the dude was run over by a car and hospitalized while…wait for it…..riding his bicycle. And some peeps say God doesn’t have a sense of humor.

In other news, the first lady of this great country died in the wee hours of October 23rd while undergoing surgery in a Spanish hospital. May God give the family succour to bear this loss. While calling peeps to ask if they had heard the news the following was heard from a few mates: “Man, heard she went to Spain for plastic surgery. Think about it, why do u think we weren’t told what her ailment was? I hope we get a public holiday tomorrow ‘cos of this.” Maybe the new tagline for the Nigeria Tourism should be: Come to Nigeria, pure altruism……. The government announced three days of national mourning for the casualties of the plane crash and the first lady. No public holiday? Yup, and I think that was the right decision.

Okay mates, gotta take my mind off the tragedy. Gonna watch TV…and hope Chelsea FC loses to Everton. As if. Yeah, was watching MTV on Friday when I Want A Famous Face came on. To the uninitiated – u lucky, lucky people – the show documents what peeps go thru in order to look like celebs. Anyways this already gorgeous chick undergoes a boob job, lip job, nose job and liposuction in order to look more like Carmen Electra. She does this primarily ‘cos her boyfriend likes big boobs and loves Carmen Electra. Anyways, after the surgery she says the pain she went thru will be worth it if her boyfriend makes a commitment. At the end of the show we are told the dude finally committed to being her…..wait for it……boyfriend. U what? Yes, apparently the dude she had the surgery for wasn’t even her boyfriend. Talk about low self esteem. Man, if that chick’s not a stripper she’d take classes asap ‘cos that’d be her calling.

Okay really gotta go now…..wait, it’s 3 minutes to go and Chelsea and Everton are even. I’ll settle for that. ‘Til next time, tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Man, u shoulda heard the President’s prayer for the nation and his family. Real touching, his pain was palpable. Please continue to pray for him.

PPS
Just heard that a mate Patrice was on the plane that crashed. Man, sure brings this home. My fingers are shaking as I type this. May the good Lord look after his family.