The one about the charity bands

Hola peeps. ¿tan cómo tener usted todo ser? Moi? My protest is over. Did I succeed? Did I squat! Man, these guys are so good at arm-twisting I suspect they work for the mob. After I embarked on my proudly-hirsute lifestyle they turned the screws further by revoking some privileges such as health-cost reimbursement. Now I gotta pay for mandatory monthly trips to the chiropractor; these are mandatory, ‘cos one’s finished in the exotic-dancing trade when one can no longer touch one’s toes with one’s tongue.

I was so frustrated I marched into the HR office - yes, we now have one – and railed at the top of my voice about how unfairly they had been treating me. The ff exchange ensued:

HR head (surprisingly decked out in a striped blazer with matching pocket square, suspenders and thong, but no trousers): U foolish piece of meat, u think u are the first one to rebel?
Tunde (thinking to himself): I wonder where this dude got the matching thong from. That’s slick. I’d use that in an act. Let’s see, I’ll need a white cat, a hook, some talcum powder….
HR head: Are u gonna answer me?! U playing dumb, huh? Just wait til we implement a pole tax, then u gonna be even more broke.
Tunde (gets back to his senses on hearing the T-word): Why are u doing this to me, is it ‘cos I’m black?
(Just then I realized that the racist card wasn’t gonna work ‘cos everyone in the bloody organization’s black. I mean this is Nigeria for goodness sake!)
HR head (tears streaming down his ears ‘cos he was laughing so hard): Man, now I remember why I employed u in the first place. U are the only one here who’s got more going for them than having a washboard stomach. I’m gonna restore ur privileges if u promise to shave and agree to give my 80 yr old mama as many lap dances as she deems fit; but u are still getting taxed!

I regret to say I gratefully accepted his offer and left his office promptly. Now, I’m seeing a shrink in order to get my mojo back. Once February comes along I’m leaving here so fast y’all would think I stole something; come to think of it, I’ll probably nick that blazer-thong combo just to stick it to them. So if u ever walk into a strip club with a missing pole and a TUNDE WUZ HERE AND PEED ON ALL THE SEATS sign in green lead paint then u know u’ve stumbled upon my previous place of employment.

Was watching TV the other day when I saw Ceelo’s teenage daughter’s birthday. Man, that dude coughed up loads for the shindig and all I could think was, “erm, at what point do parents realize their kids are, erm, u know, not exactly good looking?” At what point do they cut their losses and say, “screw it, our kid is never gonna look presentable without some major help from folk at Extreme Makeover so let’s endeavor to spend as little money as possible on this kid.”

Some politics news: Y’all heard about the Nigerian governor arraigned before a court in the UK for money laundering? His lawyers argued for bail to be granted to enable the guy recuperate from his recent surgery in Germany. Turns out the dude went to Germany for a……wait for it….tummy tuck. Man, I hope the prison food helps the ‘healing’ process. The punk.
Just to prove that Nigeria’s not the only country where the leaders are ethically-challenged, Tom DeLay, former House Majority Leader, was forced to step down from his post after a series of scandals and an indictment by a grand jury on one count of criminal conspiracy. Serves the dude right.

Entertainment news: nada of note. Just happy Tom and Katie have disappeared from my TV screens. Now if only someone could shoot 50 Cent again I’ll be a happy bunny. Tired of seeing / hearing about the dude. Man, can’t even stand his songs anymore. It’s almost as if he’s rap’s answer to R. Kelly ‘cos everything he raps about now is girls, girls, girls. Almost as if he’s trying to reassure us he’s heterosexual. Hmmmmm…..50, sure there isn’t something u wanna share with the public? Ha huh ha huh ha. Can’t fault the guy though, he’s now so rich he’d have his own currency. If I’d that dude’s money I wouldn’t be decked out in diamonds (even if they are conflict-free ones…yeah, thanks Kanye for that dud statement at the end of ur video.) or have a fleet of fancy rides. No, not me. Instead I’d dye my hair blonde – did that once but most peeps laffed and wondered if I was getting in touch with my gay side; but when Sisqo or Dennis Rodman does it they are termed “eccentric” ‘cos they are rich – and do crazy stuff like pay someone loadsa money to have a comical job title such as HO. Hi. I’m Jeff and I’m a HO. Hilarity ensues. Okay b4 u say it, I know I need help.

Yeah, my mate’s wedding was aiight, but the bachelor’s eve party was a disaster. The party was scheduled for a Friday and the dudes from the UK thot it best to arrange the shindig themselves, even though most of them arrived on the preceding Wednesday. Let’s just say after spending an hour or so there I jetted out to another bachelor’s eve party that was off the chain. The best thing about that week wasn’t the parties or catching up with mates; it was the look in my mate Edward’s (he was the best man) eyes during the wedding ceremony. Ever had a mate who’s been in a relationship for so long it’s almost a certainty he’s getting hitched? U know the type: he’s so cool with all her family they see nada wrong in lending him their ride when his is faulty, her folks refer to him as son, etc. Well, that’s Edward. The dude was lucky that it rained during the wedding so the weather was quite cool; if not he’da been sweating profusely. Why, u ask. ‘Cos he’s next in line to get married…..and the dude realizes that ugly fact! Man, watching him was crazy hilarious.

About 2 weeks ago got a call from my ex in Spain and she called to inform me she’d be home for Xmas and wanted to know if I’d “have time for her.” What exactly does that mean? Told my bro about this and while laffing he told me about an ex who’s been blowing up his phone for over a week now. Turns out the chick’s planning to move back to Nigeria and wants to see if they can rekindle what they once had. They embarked on a relationship in 1992 and broke up a few months later, but they messed around on a few occasions from 1992 ‘til 2002. Anyways, she calls him outta the blue, tells him she plans to move back home and asks what the chances are of them getting back together. Dude tells her he ain’t interested as he’s in a serious relationship. She then goes on a rant about how she doesn’t mind and she’s sure she can usurp the ‘girlfriend’ role in time so long as he doesn’t piss her off by talking about his current girlfriend whenever she’s around. (Yup, just like a woman to insert conditions when the ball isn’t in her court. U gotta love them though.) Wanna know why she’s fretting all of a sudden? She’s turning 33 before the end of the year and is jonesing for a husband big time. In the words of my bro, “Man, Yellow, na by force say man must agree with wetin woman talk? I’ve told this chick I am not interested yet she calls me about 20 times a day and I keep avoiding her calls, u’d think she’d get the message by now. I can’t even mess with her now ‘cos she’s so keen to get married kissing her on the cheek would probably result in pregnancy.” Yup, trust my bro to make a case for abstinence, albeit a twisted one.

Sad thang is I’m not shocked by the chick’s actions. I can recount a thousand and one stories of infidelity perpetrated by women since I’ve been back and it’s crazy. U have mates of mates who caught their wives cheating 6 months into the marriage, women who got their freak on a week before getting hitched and so on and so on. My fav is of this chick who confessed to her husband a week before she got married that she had been sleeping with a mate of mine. The guy initially said he wasn’t going go through with the wedding but after pleas from both sets of parents he succumbed. Man, how does one bring oneself to ever trust such a woman? I mean guys do worse, so I can just imagine how their wives(-to-be) feel. Man, this stuff almost sours one on marriage; my bro’s already lamented on how hard it is to find a woman one can trust. Lol…seems he’s afraid his atrocities will come home to roost. Realized from all this that what one needs in marriage is not love or money; if one has God then all the other stuff will fall into place. Just look at Hosea (well, I think it’s him) in the Bible, his wife slept around and had kids for other peeps, but God told him to take her back every time. Now that’s crazy Abraham-like obedience. My bro maintains he can never take the chick back, even if Jesus came down and told him so. Yup, trust my bro to make a case for spending the rest of eternity in hell.

Aiight peeps, I gotta go see my shrink. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
If u still curious celadon is………wait for it……..grayish yellow green.

PPS
Stop the press. Tom and Katie just announced that they are expecting a baby. Hey, wasn’t Tom supposed to have low sperm count? Knew those two would do anything to stay in the public eye.