Cringe

Hola peeps. Two blogs in one week? Y’all must be thanking ur lucky stars. Met up with guys from my old establishment yesterday (20th August) and while laffing our asses off over embarrassing episodes my mind went back to this guy who we bumped into at the local sandwich bar. Some background: We had 2 sandwich bars in close proximity. We called one Mama’s ‘cos there was an old lady there and the other Papa’s ‘cos….well, u can figure that one out for urselves. Most of us go to Mama’s ‘cos there’s this okay-looking girl that works there. Marco and I visit there for lunch but Craig (and Marco and Ben and Oliver and Johnny) go there most mornings ‘cos she’s got a heck of a smile and we call her our ‘inspiration’ ‘cos she’s got one of those smiles that…..let’s just say her smile brings the sun out. Her smile reminds me of this girl I tried to step to back in Nigeria. Say u lost ur job, got mugged on ur way home and when u finally got home u found out that ur house was on ur fire and only worldly belongings u had were the clothes on ur back. Well, this girl in Nigeria had a smile that would make u think everything would be aiight. Hey, I heard she’s now in London. Maybe I’d go look for her………nah, don’t wanna jinx stuff. Who knows if her smile is as grand as I remember it?

Anyways, back to the chick at Mama’s. Hmmmm, come to think of it I don’t even know her name. Anyways, so Marco and I go there for lunch one day and while being served by this girl Mama says “hey, how come u get to serve all the good looking guys?” She blushes and then this guy says “well, I come here for her smile”. Sad thang was Mama’s was really crowded at this time this girl obviously didn’t hear what the guy said. Poor guy kept repeating his ‘line’ but she was either oblivious to his charms or had probably heard similar stuff from half the guys in there. I couldn’t help smirking. Even Tunde 001 wouldn’t have let himself get slated like that in public…..well, maybe. This reminded me of instances when mates of mine had used ‘lines’ that were so weak u almost felt like u were watching David Brent (from The Office) in action. I’ll hold my hand up and say I’ve used a line ONCE and the results were so disastrous I swore to myself that I’d rather get electrocuted than use one ever again. By the way, I won’t reveal these guys’ names as some of them probably don’t have the foggiest idea that I know about their lame attempts. In their defence though, I’m sure the same lines have worked for some chicks so…..

1. Venue: Bradford, UK; Year: 1996 or 1997 (probably too embarrassed to remember); Situation: Talking to this girl I was stepping to and there was that uncomfortable lull in conversations that sometimes happens; Outcome: I failed but she eventually came around to my way of thinking……when I started seeing someone else.

Girl: So what u thinking about?
Tunde: Erm, erm, well just thinking how jealous my mom would be if she found out how much I like u.
Girl: (obviously remembering how much I complained about my mom and I being at logger heads) Hey, I thought u and ur mom couldn’t stand each other?
Tunde: Erm, erm, yes, erm, woah, is that the time? I better get going.

2. Venue: Ogbomoso, Nigeria; Year: 1995 or 1996; Situation: D goes to visit this girl he’s trying to impress. S, a mate of mine, is at the girl’s house visiting her roommate. I found out about the goings-on from S. Yeah, I forgot to add that D was one of those guys who felt he was a mack and this girl had already found out that he had a girlfriend; Outcome: He failed….woefully.

D: Woah, u are so fine I don’t even know what to say anymore.
Girl: How about ‘goodbye’?

3. Venue: Lagos, Nigeria; Year: 1994 or 1995 (whenever “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men was released as a single); Situation: B was after my brother’s girlfriend’s older sister so tries to woo her in his car. Found out about the goings-on from my brother who snuck into the back seat of the car; Outcome: B succeeded.

B: Let’s go to the car. I wanna tell u something.
Girl: Sure.
B: Close ur eyes.
Girl: (closing her eyes) Okay.
B: Make a wish.
Girl: (obviously going along with this) Okay.
B: Open ur eyes. Did u make a wish?
Girl: Erm, well……
B: (holding girl’s hands and looking into her eyes) I made a wish and my wish was to be with u.

4. Venue: Chicago(?), USA; Year: 2001; Situation: R.K.’s driving in his car when he sees this girl on the street; Outcome: R.K. succeeded….well, kinda.

R.K.: Hey girl, u sure u look fly. Wanna take a ride in my jeep?
Girl: Nah, mama says I’d not talk to strangers.
R.K.: U know who I am, right?
Girl: Yeah, I am a huge fan. My mama got all ur CDs.
R.K.: Cool, so u and ya mama know me. Just call me uncle R. Now let me give u a ride. U like ice cream?
Girl: Sure.
R.K.: Cool then. Let’s go get some ice cream. Hope u don’t mind if I stop at Radio Shack and get me a camcorder. How old are u again?
Girl: I’m gonna be 14 tomorrow.
R.K.: Well, let’s go celebrate ur birthday in advance. I composed a song for u, wanna hear it?
Girl: For shizzy my nizzy.
R.K.: (Now serenading the girl) My mind’s telling me ‘no’, but my bodyyyyyyy, my body’s telling me ‘yes’………..

Okay, okay I made the last bit up, but y’all must admit that it’da happened.

So what’s better than revealing embarrassing stuff about u and ur mates? Revealing embarrassing stuff about others. It’s just like having a crappy day and then watching The Jerry Springer Show. It won’t ease one’s problems but it sure does make one feel better about oneself. U want another sure fire way to boost ur morale? Watch old tapes of talk shows, movie premieres, interviews, etc, where Hollywood stars who are now separated talked about their undying love for their then-partners. Go dig up Donald “Ivana completes me” Trump’s declaration to Ivana on the Oprah Winfrey Show or Don “Melanie just does it for me” Johnson’s ode to his then missus Melanie Griffith, also on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Hmmmmm, is there a trend developing here? Worst of all though is Jeff Gordon, a NASCAR driver in America. True NASCAR fans hate him ‘cos he’s young, mega-rich, good looking and humble. Anyways a few years ago - when Tiger Woods was at the top of his game, probably ‘cos he wasn’t yet engaged to be married – a reporter asked Jeff Gordon how his dominance of NASCAR compared to Tiger’s dominance of golf and Jeff said something along the lines of “Tiger’s a great athlete and probably has more money than he’ll ever spend. But what’s the use of all that if u don’t have someone beside u to share it with. My wife’s the best; I don’t know what I’ll do without her, in fact I don’t know how I managed before I met her. Coming home to her is better than any race win…….” So guess what happens? His wife files for divorce a year or so later and uses the excerpt from that article as evidence in divorce court that she really did contribute to the guy’s success…….even though he was already ‘made’, and she was just a NASCAR model, when they met. If there’s a more fitting case for grabbing one by the balls and squeezing until they pop, I’m yet to see it.

Okay, I’m off to chauffeur my dad to the hospital where my sister and her twins are. Tot ziens.

Ooooops, I did it again...well, kinda.

A friend once said that I didn’t put in a blog those weeks when I punished y’all for not sending me bucks ‘cos I had run outta stories to tell. Well, with the way my life’s going I doubt if I’ll ever run outta stories for a while. I was gonna write about what I got up to during the past week such as what life in Oxford’s like, what happened when I went to see my erstwhile workmates at Old Street, goings-on during a nite out on Friday, etc., but something happened on Sunday that takes precedence. Maybe I’ll still tell y’all what happened over the week……if I’m still motivated after writing this.

So here I am preparing lunch for my dad – yes, I cook when I’m forced to – on Sunday when I receive a call from my cuz Femi ‘cos I absentmindedly left a message for someone else on his voicemail. While apologising for that his wife Tobi picked up the phone and said she was disappointed in me. Now Tobi and I have had our differences over the years but she kinda had a valid point this time…..well, the point was valid to her but I didn’t see what the big deal was ‘cos….arrgh, I hate when I digress. Sorry about that, okay back to the gist of the matter. Tobi chided me for calling three of her friends and said I’d make up my mind and pick the one I was interested in. Now b4 y’all condemn me for messing with girls’ hearts I better paint a clearer picture.

These 3 chicks know each other and ain’t no way I’d mess with chicks like that. If I didn’t do something like that in a place like the ATL where the ratio of women to men is 12 to 1, why would I do that in London? I’m definitely not that slick, besides it’d create a mega headache if they found out and y’all know I can’t stand to lose more hair off my head. I met Girl 1 and Girl 2 at Femi’s wedding and we exchanged numbers. Met Girl 3 at a wedding I attended last month and it was after I sat beside her I discovered that she was at Femi’s wedding also. While talking she told me Girl 2 was her cousin. So now u know what the deal is.

Anyways I exchanged numbers with Girls 1 and 2 at Femi’s wedding and we spoke a number of times. Weird thing is after Tobi returned from her honeymoon she knew which of the girls I had spoken to, when I spoke to them, what I said, etc. I half expected her to tell me the colour of my boxer shorts on the day I spoke to these girls. Y’all remember the blog in which I stated that most women still operate on ‘collective thinking’ mode? Y’all thot I was being stupid then, didn’t y’all? What I couldn’t understand was why they did it? Did they think I’d tell Tobi we hung out or did they think Tobi would think less of them if she found out? Someone please help me out! Girl 1 went back to Nigeria so I lost contact with her. Girl 2? Well, in all honesty I stopped calling Girl 2 ‘cos…..just ‘cos. I mean she was fun to talk to and all, but if she has to seek out Tobi’s opinion on stuff then ain’t no need. I mean if I wanted peeps to know what was happening in my life I’d go on a reality show or write a blog. Don’t even think of making sly comments about that! The thing is I never discussed anything untoward with either of these chicks so I don’t get what the deal is. Femi told me that my actions probably led them to think that I fancied them. Get this: among my atrocities was being charming and talking in a Barry White-cum Vin Diesel-like voice. Hey, what can I say, I’m a good actor, huh? Huh ha huh ha huh.

Like I stated earlier, I met Girl 3 at a friend’s wedding. She told me she was a makeup artist, I told her I was a stripper but she didn’t believe me. Yeah, I don’t get this. How come y’all believe Julio’s a male stripper and can’t believe moi. I’ll have u know that I’ve been going to the gym like crazy these past weeks…..okay, okay I lie. I went to the gym just once…..and it was ‘cos my cable wasn’t working and I’d to watch my fav TV show. Hey, they offered a one-day free gym trial! It woulda been rude to decline that sorta invitation. Anyways she gave me her business card and I called her a few weeks after. No big deal, right? Exactly. So I don’t get Tobi’s insistence that I’m playing games with her friends. When she explained her motives to me I wasn’t so miffed. According to her since I’m her husband cousin and was the best man at his wedding she wouldn’t want her friends to associate her husband with my somewhat ‘shady’ behaviour. After I heard that I almost ran into the streets and proposed to the first girl I saw. Maybe marriage isn’t such a bad thang after all. If one’s wife can defend one the way Tobi defended Femi then I’m all for it.

By the way, Tobi also derided my ‘shady’ actions by encouraging me to make up my mind about which of her friends I was interested in and stop calling the others. Told her I wasn’t interested in any of them and don’t see why I can’t talk to more than one woman. She replied by saying her pastor told her (during marriage counselling class) that “a real man accepts responsibility and should thrive to be unique. He doesn’t need to have different girls on the go as every other guy does that”. I totally agree with her, but surely a real man should also know when he’s ready to settle down and shouldn’t do things ‘cos others are doing it; surely that’s being unique, don’t y’all think?

I’ve been thinking about it and decided that I might have had a part to play in those girls telling Tobi I was interested in them, but can’t exactly decide what it is. I mean I didn’t behave any differently towards them as I do to other females who are platonic friends. Since the new improved Tunde was released - what’s the difference b/w the old and new Tundes, u ask. Well, old Tunde (Tunde 007) had more hair on his head, but wasn’t as sexy as new Tunde (Tunde 007.5) - among the tens of my female friends I can think of only one of them who thought I had a thang for her when I didn’t. B4 y’all think there’s a pattern here I’d better explain that this particular lady has a chip on her shoulder the size of an oak tree and is so vain she thinks the rear view mirror in her car is for glancing at her reflection. She probably thinks everyone fancies her!

Sorry for the digression (again). Honestly peeps, I think problems like these can be avoided in future if:

1. I make it crystal clear to women (who I’m not interested in) as we exchange numbers that I am not in the least bit attracted to them. Problem with this is: (a) some women might be hurt;
(b) some might balk at my attitude and think that I consider myself God’s gift to women;
(c) some women might actually be curious and therefore keep nagging until they do my head in, just like the girl I mentioned in the last paragraph. When I told her I was never interested in her one’d think she’d be happy (since she’d earlier on been complaining about some thing or the other I did), but instead she came up with this gem: “So why aren’t u interested in me? Lots of guys wanna go out with me. Some guy actually cried when I broke up with him, so what’s wrong with u?”

2. I make up some imaginary over-possessive girlfriend when talking to women I am not interested in. Problem with this is:
(a) it’s just plain sad. C’mon, no one in their right minds makes up imaginary friends. Want everyone to think I’m Big Bird from Sesame Street?
(b) some women who are like Tunde 007 might actually be attracted to this. Hey, don’t look down on Tunde 007, in fact sometimes Tunde 007.5 still acts a bit like the earlier model. Guess that’s what one gets from listening to Positive K songs too long. To y’all that don’t have a clue who Positive K is I’ll break it down for u. Positive K’s a rapper who had a hit single in 1992 with the song “I Got a Man”. It’s basically the tale of a guy who keeps getting rebuffed by women who have boyfriends and he always has a humorous riposte. Here’s a snippet:

Positive K: What am I, some crabbing mate that just came home from jail begging u for a date? I don’t want no beef I just want to get together.
Girl: Are u talking? Psssh! Whatever.
Positive K: We can’t have nothing?
Girl: It all depends.
Positive K: Well, if we can’t be lovers then we can’t be friends.
Girl: Well, then I guess it’s nothing.
Positive K: Well, hey, I think u’re bluffing.
Girl: Well, I’ma call my man.
Positive K: Well, I’ma get a ragamuffin.
Girl: All I heard is an “excuse me, miss” u can’t get a girl like me with a line like this.
Positive K: Well, I’ll treat u good.
Girl: My man treats me better.
Positive K: I’ll talk sweet on the phone.
Girl: My man writes love lyrics.
Positive K: I’ll tell u that I love u and tell u that I care.
Girl: My man says the same, except he’s sincere.
Positive K: Well, I’m clean cut and dapper ‘cos that’s what I’m about.
Girl: My man buys me things and he takes me out.
Positive K: Well, u can keep ur man ‘cos I don’t go that route.
Girl: Don’t u know u have to respect me?
Positive K: Well, there are a lot of girls out there who won’t say no.
Girl: U want honey but u hid ur money.
Positive K: Boom ba da, my pocket’s getting fatter. I wanna turn u on and excite ya, let me know the spot on ya body and I’ll bite ya. So if ur man don’t treat like he used to I’ll kick in like a turbo booster. U want loving? U don’t have to ask when. Ur man’s a headache? I’ll be ur aspirin. All confusion u know I’ll solve them.
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: U got a what?! How long have u had that problem?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: What’s ur man got to do with me?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: I am not trying to hear that. See?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: What’s ur man got to do with me?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: But ur man ain’t me.

Tell me y’all are not fans of Positive K now.

Seriously though, maybe such communication problems would be avoided if peeps were more honest with each other. I met this girl in the States who’s almost 30 years old. She said at her age she’s ready to settle down so whenever she meets a guy and he calls her more than once she asks him what his intentions are. That may be a bit off putting but at least no one gets mixed signals. If either of Tobi’s friends had asked me that I’da told them. I mean I can’t remember the last time I lied to a woman. Think it was probably back when I was Tunde 006. As my wise uncle once told me (b4 swearing that he was the first man on the moon) “Honesty’s the best policy. Once u tell a lie u gotta find another lie to cover that up and so on and so on….” See what I mean? So what have I learned from this sorry episode? Two things:

a. Men and women will always have different ideas of relationships. In one of his stand-up shows Chris Rock said that as soon as a woman meets a man she knows if she’s gonna have something to do with him or not. For most men, on the other hand, the first time we meet a woman we KNOW we wanna have something to do with her. For those women we aren’t interested in we still keep their numbers just in case one is bored….or one wants to see a movie and doesn’t have a date and doesn’t want others to call one a sad git……….or it’s dark outside and it’s raining….or…..u get my drift. That was the way Tunde 006 thought so I guess I can’t really blame Tobi’s friends for thinking the way they did.

b. Other thing I learned from this episode? Never Call Tobi’s Friends!!! Was gonna write a blog – might still do some day – about peeps one should never, ever, ever, ever go out with. Top of my list is “friends of ur sisters”. Well, now u can add “ur cousin’s wife’s friends” to that list. No, no scratch that. Replace that with “Never exchange numbers with women u meet at weddings”. Hmmm, that sounds a bit too vague. How about “Never exchange numbers with women that are involved in a wedding party”? Yeah, that sounds more like it. “Never exchange numbers with girls on the bridal train, girl who does the bride’s makeup, female wedding organizer, the female caterers, the lady who made the wedding cake, etc.” Capisci? Huh ha huh ha huh. Y’all know I’m just joking……well, kinda.

Woah, this sure is a long ass blog. I sure am exhausted. Yeah, did I tell y’all that I recently fell in love with this chick? I didn’t? Well, if y’all are nice to me I’ll tell u all about her in the next blog…..if I remember. Tot ziens.

PS
Just found out my sis has given birth to twins – a boy and a girl. Thank God.

PPS
If y’all want u can send gifts (cash only) to my sis thru me. I promise I won’t spend it on the new love of my life.

I'm back!!!!!!!

Hola peeps. (Man, I wish I’d have an interactive blog so when I greeted y’all u’d reply. Kinda like Norm on Cheers or Dr. Nick on The Simpsons. Oh well, what do I know?!) So y’all missed me? Yeah, just thot I’d penalize y’all for not sending me those checks (sorry, I meant cheques……being in the UK and all). I’ve given up on appealing to the magnanimous side in y’all and gonna just 4get about fleecing y’all for money. Cheapskates!!! Anyways I’ve been updating the “Articles of interest to moi” blog so if y’all have the time u might wanna check it out. Got both funny and serious stuff in there.

So what’s been happening to y’all? Since I last communicated with y’all I got offered a job in Oxford and decided to postpone my trip to Nigeria as a result. Wait, y’all didn’t know I was thinking of going to Nigeria? My bad. Thought I’d mentioned to y’all the fact that I was gonna embark on my belated presidential campaign. Hey, it’s high time someone did right by us Nigerians. Well, I’ll let u know when my campaign website is set up. Hope y’all will decide to send checks (erm, cheques) then……….or else when I take over the world I’ll enjoy watching y’all lick the toe jam b/w my crusty toes, while stroking my pet pig with my non-metallic hand. Huh ha huh ha huh (that’s my taking-over-the-world laughter by the way).
Yeah, so after I accepted the job offer I told my dad. Saying he wasn’t pleased is a bit of an understatement. The reason for his rage? I dunno, menopause maybe….oh that’s the wrong gender. Huh ha huh ha huh.

While he was pulling his hair out (hey, I am the only baldy in my family) I calmly explained my reasons for accepting the job. He said “ U are my son and I just want the best for u. I don’t want u to feel I’m forcing u to return to Nigeria. As long as u concentrate on what u are doing I’m happy. Just promise me that u don’t plan to return to America and that u won’t marry a non-Nigerian.” I am not yanking ur chains peeps, he really did say that. How was I supposed to respond to that? Man, I couldn’t wait to get off the phone so I’d laff my ass off. Trust my dad to segue between a conversation about employment prospects and one about marriage. A bit of background: My dad’s a cool guy. It’s just that he gets swept with opinions at times. For instance, he never had a problem with the diamond (okay, high quality cubic zirconia) stud in my ear until during my graduation at Bradford when he saw some Nigerains he knew and thought it’dn’t be appropriate for “a graduate to wear ear rings”. Same with my stint in the States. He really wanted me to go through with my PhD degree – he even mentioned it again a few weeks ago – but I’m glad I didn’t ‘cos that wouldn’t have been me. My dad wouldn’t have given a hoot about my research thesis. He’d have wanted me to do a PhD so he’d tell his friends that his son graduated with a PhD. Same with the marriage thang. ‘Cos he got married early and most of his mates’ kids my age are already married he wants my siblings and I to get hitched as soon as possible. Does he care if we find the right partners? Sure, but he really wants another wedding (after my sister’s in 2002) and mucha grandkids. I guess he’s ‘frightened’ I’ll end up with a non-Nigerian ‘cos he’s never met (or spoken to) a recent girlfriend of mine who wasn’t one. Poor guy. His antics make me laff. Here’s a greatest hits of some of the conversations I’ve had with him:

1. Year: 1998; Location: London, UK; Topic of conversation: Girlfriend.
Dad: So what’s wrong with that girl I saw you with?
Tunde: Nah, we too cool for that. Besides, she’s my ex-girlfriend’s closest friend.
Dad: So? U said ex-girlfriend, right?
Tunde: Yes.
Dad: So what’s the problem? The operative word here is ex.

2. Year: 1999; Location: Indiana, USA; Topic of conversation: Long-term Girlfriend/Wife.
Dad: So what’s wrong with either of those 2 girls I saw u with?
Tunde: Nah, dad. Miss D and Miss B are mates of mine and I don’t really see them as more than that.
Dad: U don’t have to be like ur brother and wait til u graduate. Let me tell u something. During my studies in England I got married, had ur oldest brother and still maintained a job. With all these responsibilities I still managed to graduate top of my class and saved more money than all my single friends. If I can do it I don’t see why u can’t.
Tunde: (mumbling under his breath) Well, if u were really satisfied with ur life, how come u married 2 other women afterwards?

3. Year: 2004; Location: London, UK; Topic of conversation: Wife.
Dad: U’d take a holistic approach to life. Don’t wait til u get a ‘good’ job b4 u get married. Find someone u are compatible with and can assist u in fulfilling ur dreams.
Tunde: Yes, sir.
Dad: U listening to what I’m saying?
Tunde: (thinking of Chris Tucker-Jackie Chan “u hearing the words that are coming outta my mouf” scene in Rush Hour) Yes, sir.
Dad: U know I’ve always allowed u kids to make ur own decisions but sometimes u have to make some sacrifices for ur parents. I did for mine. I know ur brother Ayo has a girlfriend he’s happy with. I haven’t met urs.
Tunde: (thinking to himself) Isn’t this guy tired of talking about marriage? This is the 6th time we’ve had this speech since he arrived 13 days ago. If only he knew Ayo’s no longer with his girlfriend. Poor guy’s afraid to tell him or he’ll be sitting here with me having these never-ending talks with dad.
Dad: So where’s ur girlfriend?
Tunde: I don’t have one at the present time. Not top of my priorities now. U’d know I’m not one of those people who always have to be in a relationship. I broke up with my last girlfriend in March 2003.
Dad: I see. (thinking to himself: “Oh well, I’ve got 12 kids, 3 are married and one’s on her way there. If I keep badgering the rest of them maybe they’ll give in and move outta my house. I really wanna organise a party for me and my mates and at my age a kid’s wedding is the best excuse. Maybe I’d offer them a cash incentive. Nah, that’d never work. Guess I’m gonna have to keep hassling them until they give in. Yep, gonna have a talk with this punk tomorrow again. He ain’t getting away with his ‘I am not one of those people who always have to be in a relationship’ crap philosophy. Hmmm, maybe he’s gay. Nah, God forbid. No son of mine can be gay, I mean look at him for goodness sake. He’s bald, he lifts weights and likes to keep fit, he’s pierced his ear……oh my, he is gay! No, no, it’s not possible, he doesn’t have a lisp. No, no, no, he can’t be gay. Why can’t I get this thought outta my head? Nah, nah, nah, nah…….man, isn’t that a Kylie Minogue song? Don’t gay folk like Kylie Minogue? Woah, this is a bad sign.”)
Tunde: Dad, can I go now? I’ve got some ironing to do.
Dad: Sure, sure. Just think about what I said. (thinking to himself: “…and he doesn’t mind ironing too! Oh my, he really is gay. No, no, no, he can’t be gay. If he is I’m sure it’s somehow his mother’s fault.”)
Tunde: (thinking to himself) I’m sure I’m gonna have another ‘talk’ with my dad tomorrow. Joy o joy.

Now y’all get a picture of what I go through. My dad’s arriving from Nigeria in less than 3 hours. He’s gonna be hear for about 14 days so I’ll keep y’all informed of future conversations. Gotta go now…..need to make the house look tidy. Tot ziens.

PS
B4 I leave y’all I just wanna share some of his attempts at hooking me up.

1. Year: 2004; Location: London, UK; Who: His girlfriend’s (yep, u read it right) daughter.
The skinny: My dad calls Miss N (his girlfriend’s daughter) into his room under the guise that he’s got her mom on the phone and her mom wants to say hi. My brother’s about to serve my dad his dinner and is about to knock on the door when he hears my dad telling Miss N: “U are single and Tunde is also. U’d get to know him. He’s a really nice guy”. At this point my brother can’t take it anymore and retreats to my room where he blurts out what he heard and we have a good laff. I tell him I don’t believe him ‘cos there’s no way my dad would do that. He swears it’s true but I still don’t believe him. I go to the living room to chill and surf the web. Miss N steps outta my dad’s room and says she’s about to leave. She comes over to where I’m seated, makes idle conversation about the size of my fingers (while stroking them) and calls me “Tundy boo”. Tundy boo?!!! Where did that come from? That was proof enough that my brother wasn’t yanking my chain. Yep, my nickname around the house is now Tundy boo. Doubt if I’m gonna live that down even after I am married.

2. Year: 2004; Location: Lagos, Nigeria; Who: My cuz’s (Femi) wife’s best friend.
The skinny: My dad’s at Femi’s traditional engagement party in Lagos; Femi and his fiancé are in the UK though. Introductions are made and my dad finds out the youngest person in the room is Tobi’s (Femi’s fiancé) best friend and a doctor. He approaches her and asks if she’ll be attending the forthcoming wedding in London. She affirms that she will, as she’s Tobi’s chief bridesmaid. He tells her that he’s got a son in London who’s gonna be the bestman at the wedding and he believes she’ll hit it off with him. He was right, we did hit it off………but just as friends. Another one bites the dust, huh?