Ooooops, I did it again...well, kinda.

A friend once said that I didn’t put in a blog those weeks when I punished y’all for not sending me bucks ‘cos I had run outta stories to tell. Well, with the way my life’s going I doubt if I’ll ever run outta stories for a while. I was gonna write about what I got up to during the past week such as what life in Oxford’s like, what happened when I went to see my erstwhile workmates at Old Street, goings-on during a nite out on Friday, etc., but something happened on Sunday that takes precedence. Maybe I’ll still tell y’all what happened over the week……if I’m still motivated after writing this.

So here I am preparing lunch for my dad – yes, I cook when I’m forced to – on Sunday when I receive a call from my cuz Femi ‘cos I absentmindedly left a message for someone else on his voicemail. While apologising for that his wife Tobi picked up the phone and said she was disappointed in me. Now Tobi and I have had our differences over the years but she kinda had a valid point this time…..well, the point was valid to her but I didn’t see what the big deal was ‘cos….arrgh, I hate when I digress. Sorry about that, okay back to the gist of the matter. Tobi chided me for calling three of her friends and said I’d make up my mind and pick the one I was interested in. Now b4 y’all condemn me for messing with girls’ hearts I better paint a clearer picture.

These 3 chicks know each other and ain’t no way I’d mess with chicks like that. If I didn’t do something like that in a place like the ATL where the ratio of women to men is 12 to 1, why would I do that in London? I’m definitely not that slick, besides it’d create a mega headache if they found out and y’all know I can’t stand to lose more hair off my head. I met Girl 1 and Girl 2 at Femi’s wedding and we exchanged numbers. Met Girl 3 at a wedding I attended last month and it was after I sat beside her I discovered that she was at Femi’s wedding also. While talking she told me Girl 2 was her cousin. So now u know what the deal is.

Anyways I exchanged numbers with Girls 1 and 2 at Femi’s wedding and we spoke a number of times. Weird thing is after Tobi returned from her honeymoon she knew which of the girls I had spoken to, when I spoke to them, what I said, etc. I half expected her to tell me the colour of my boxer shorts on the day I spoke to these girls. Y’all remember the blog in which I stated that most women still operate on ‘collective thinking’ mode? Y’all thot I was being stupid then, didn’t y’all? What I couldn’t understand was why they did it? Did they think I’d tell Tobi we hung out or did they think Tobi would think less of them if she found out? Someone please help me out! Girl 1 went back to Nigeria so I lost contact with her. Girl 2? Well, in all honesty I stopped calling Girl 2 ‘cos…..just ‘cos. I mean she was fun to talk to and all, but if she has to seek out Tobi’s opinion on stuff then ain’t no need. I mean if I wanted peeps to know what was happening in my life I’d go on a reality show or write a blog. Don’t even think of making sly comments about that! The thing is I never discussed anything untoward with either of these chicks so I don’t get what the deal is. Femi told me that my actions probably led them to think that I fancied them. Get this: among my atrocities was being charming and talking in a Barry White-cum Vin Diesel-like voice. Hey, what can I say, I’m a good actor, huh? Huh ha huh ha huh.

Like I stated earlier, I met Girl 3 at a friend’s wedding. She told me she was a makeup artist, I told her I was a stripper but she didn’t believe me. Yeah, I don’t get this. How come y’all believe Julio’s a male stripper and can’t believe moi. I’ll have u know that I’ve been going to the gym like crazy these past weeks…..okay, okay I lie. I went to the gym just once…..and it was ‘cos my cable wasn’t working and I’d to watch my fav TV show. Hey, they offered a one-day free gym trial! It woulda been rude to decline that sorta invitation. Anyways she gave me her business card and I called her a few weeks after. No big deal, right? Exactly. So I don’t get Tobi’s insistence that I’m playing games with her friends. When she explained her motives to me I wasn’t so miffed. According to her since I’m her husband cousin and was the best man at his wedding she wouldn’t want her friends to associate her husband with my somewhat ‘shady’ behaviour. After I heard that I almost ran into the streets and proposed to the first girl I saw. Maybe marriage isn’t such a bad thang after all. If one’s wife can defend one the way Tobi defended Femi then I’m all for it.

By the way, Tobi also derided my ‘shady’ actions by encouraging me to make up my mind about which of her friends I was interested in and stop calling the others. Told her I wasn’t interested in any of them and don’t see why I can’t talk to more than one woman. She replied by saying her pastor told her (during marriage counselling class) that “a real man accepts responsibility and should thrive to be unique. He doesn’t need to have different girls on the go as every other guy does that”. I totally agree with her, but surely a real man should also know when he’s ready to settle down and shouldn’t do things ‘cos others are doing it; surely that’s being unique, don’t y’all think?

I’ve been thinking about it and decided that I might have had a part to play in those girls telling Tobi I was interested in them, but can’t exactly decide what it is. I mean I didn’t behave any differently towards them as I do to other females who are platonic friends. Since the new improved Tunde was released - what’s the difference b/w the old and new Tundes, u ask. Well, old Tunde (Tunde 007) had more hair on his head, but wasn’t as sexy as new Tunde (Tunde 007.5) - among the tens of my female friends I can think of only one of them who thought I had a thang for her when I didn’t. B4 y’all think there’s a pattern here I’d better explain that this particular lady has a chip on her shoulder the size of an oak tree and is so vain she thinks the rear view mirror in her car is for glancing at her reflection. She probably thinks everyone fancies her!

Sorry for the digression (again). Honestly peeps, I think problems like these can be avoided in future if:

1. I make it crystal clear to women (who I’m not interested in) as we exchange numbers that I am not in the least bit attracted to them. Problem with this is: (a) some women might be hurt;
(b) some might balk at my attitude and think that I consider myself God’s gift to women;
(c) some women might actually be curious and therefore keep nagging until they do my head in, just like the girl I mentioned in the last paragraph. When I told her I was never interested in her one’d think she’d be happy (since she’d earlier on been complaining about some thing or the other I did), but instead she came up with this gem: “So why aren’t u interested in me? Lots of guys wanna go out with me. Some guy actually cried when I broke up with him, so what’s wrong with u?”

2. I make up some imaginary over-possessive girlfriend when talking to women I am not interested in. Problem with this is:
(a) it’s just plain sad. C’mon, no one in their right minds makes up imaginary friends. Want everyone to think I’m Big Bird from Sesame Street?
(b) some women who are like Tunde 007 might actually be attracted to this. Hey, don’t look down on Tunde 007, in fact sometimes Tunde 007.5 still acts a bit like the earlier model. Guess that’s what one gets from listening to Positive K songs too long. To y’all that don’t have a clue who Positive K is I’ll break it down for u. Positive K’s a rapper who had a hit single in 1992 with the song “I Got a Man”. It’s basically the tale of a guy who keeps getting rebuffed by women who have boyfriends and he always has a humorous riposte. Here’s a snippet:

Positive K: What am I, some crabbing mate that just came home from jail begging u for a date? I don’t want no beef I just want to get together.
Girl: Are u talking? Psssh! Whatever.
Positive K: We can’t have nothing?
Girl: It all depends.
Positive K: Well, if we can’t be lovers then we can’t be friends.
Girl: Well, then I guess it’s nothing.
Positive K: Well, hey, I think u’re bluffing.
Girl: Well, I’ma call my man.
Positive K: Well, I’ma get a ragamuffin.
Girl: All I heard is an “excuse me, miss” u can’t get a girl like me with a line like this.
Positive K: Well, I’ll treat u good.
Girl: My man treats me better.
Positive K: I’ll talk sweet on the phone.
Girl: My man writes love lyrics.
Positive K: I’ll tell u that I love u and tell u that I care.
Girl: My man says the same, except he’s sincere.
Positive K: Well, I’m clean cut and dapper ‘cos that’s what I’m about.
Girl: My man buys me things and he takes me out.
Positive K: Well, u can keep ur man ‘cos I don’t go that route.
Girl: Don’t u know u have to respect me?
Positive K: Well, there are a lot of girls out there who won’t say no.
Girl: U want honey but u hid ur money.
Positive K: Boom ba da, my pocket’s getting fatter. I wanna turn u on and excite ya, let me know the spot on ya body and I’ll bite ya. So if ur man don’t treat like he used to I’ll kick in like a turbo booster. U want loving? U don’t have to ask when. Ur man’s a headache? I’ll be ur aspirin. All confusion u know I’ll solve them.
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: U got a what?! How long have u had that problem?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: What’s ur man got to do with me?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: I am not trying to hear that. See?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: What’s ur man got to do with me?
Girl: I Got a Man.
Positive K: But ur man ain’t me.

Tell me y’all are not fans of Positive K now.

Seriously though, maybe such communication problems would be avoided if peeps were more honest with each other. I met this girl in the States who’s almost 30 years old. She said at her age she’s ready to settle down so whenever she meets a guy and he calls her more than once she asks him what his intentions are. That may be a bit off putting but at least no one gets mixed signals. If either of Tobi’s friends had asked me that I’da told them. I mean I can’t remember the last time I lied to a woman. Think it was probably back when I was Tunde 006. As my wise uncle once told me (b4 swearing that he was the first man on the moon) “Honesty’s the best policy. Once u tell a lie u gotta find another lie to cover that up and so on and so on….” See what I mean? So what have I learned from this sorry episode? Two things:

a. Men and women will always have different ideas of relationships. In one of his stand-up shows Chris Rock said that as soon as a woman meets a man she knows if she’s gonna have something to do with him or not. For most men, on the other hand, the first time we meet a woman we KNOW we wanna have something to do with her. For those women we aren’t interested in we still keep their numbers just in case one is bored….or one wants to see a movie and doesn’t have a date and doesn’t want others to call one a sad git……….or it’s dark outside and it’s raining….or…..u get my drift. That was the way Tunde 006 thought so I guess I can’t really blame Tobi’s friends for thinking the way they did.

b. Other thing I learned from this episode? Never Call Tobi’s Friends!!! Was gonna write a blog – might still do some day – about peeps one should never, ever, ever, ever go out with. Top of my list is “friends of ur sisters”. Well, now u can add “ur cousin’s wife’s friends” to that list. No, no scratch that. Replace that with “Never exchange numbers with women u meet at weddings”. Hmmm, that sounds a bit too vague. How about “Never exchange numbers with women that are involved in a wedding party”? Yeah, that sounds more like it. “Never exchange numbers with girls on the bridal train, girl who does the bride’s makeup, female wedding organizer, the female caterers, the lady who made the wedding cake, etc.” Capisci? Huh ha huh ha huh. Y’all know I’m just joking……well, kinda.

Woah, this sure is a long ass blog. I sure am exhausted. Yeah, did I tell y’all that I recently fell in love with this chick? I didn’t? Well, if y’all are nice to me I’ll tell u all about her in the next blog…..if I remember. Tot ziens.

PS
Just found out my sis has given birth to twins – a boy and a girl. Thank God.

PPS
If y’all want u can send gifts (cash only) to my sis thru me. I promise I won’t spend it on the new love of my life.