Cringe

Hola peeps. Two blogs in one week? Y’all must be thanking ur lucky stars. Met up with guys from my old establishment yesterday (20th August) and while laffing our asses off over embarrassing episodes my mind went back to this guy who we bumped into at the local sandwich bar. Some background: We had 2 sandwich bars in close proximity. We called one Mama’s ‘cos there was an old lady there and the other Papa’s ‘cos….well, u can figure that one out for urselves. Most of us go to Mama’s ‘cos there’s this okay-looking girl that works there. Marco and I visit there for lunch but Craig (and Marco and Ben and Oliver and Johnny) go there most mornings ‘cos she’s got a heck of a smile and we call her our ‘inspiration’ ‘cos she’s got one of those smiles that…..let’s just say her smile brings the sun out. Her smile reminds me of this girl I tried to step to back in Nigeria. Say u lost ur job, got mugged on ur way home and when u finally got home u found out that ur house was on ur fire and only worldly belongings u had were the clothes on ur back. Well, this girl in Nigeria had a smile that would make u think everything would be aiight. Hey, I heard she’s now in London. Maybe I’d go look for her………nah, don’t wanna jinx stuff. Who knows if her smile is as grand as I remember it?

Anyways, back to the chick at Mama’s. Hmmmm, come to think of it I don’t even know her name. Anyways, so Marco and I go there for lunch one day and while being served by this girl Mama says “hey, how come u get to serve all the good looking guys?” She blushes and then this guy says “well, I come here for her smile”. Sad thang was Mama’s was really crowded at this time this girl obviously didn’t hear what the guy said. Poor guy kept repeating his ‘line’ but she was either oblivious to his charms or had probably heard similar stuff from half the guys in there. I couldn’t help smirking. Even Tunde 001 wouldn’t have let himself get slated like that in public…..well, maybe. This reminded me of instances when mates of mine had used ‘lines’ that were so weak u almost felt like u were watching David Brent (from The Office) in action. I’ll hold my hand up and say I’ve used a line ONCE and the results were so disastrous I swore to myself that I’d rather get electrocuted than use one ever again. By the way, I won’t reveal these guys’ names as some of them probably don’t have the foggiest idea that I know about their lame attempts. In their defence though, I’m sure the same lines have worked for some chicks so…..

1. Venue: Bradford, UK; Year: 1996 or 1997 (probably too embarrassed to remember); Situation: Talking to this girl I was stepping to and there was that uncomfortable lull in conversations that sometimes happens; Outcome: I failed but she eventually came around to my way of thinking……when I started seeing someone else.

Girl: So what u thinking about?
Tunde: Erm, erm, well just thinking how jealous my mom would be if she found out how much I like u.
Girl: (obviously remembering how much I complained about my mom and I being at logger heads) Hey, I thought u and ur mom couldn’t stand each other?
Tunde: Erm, erm, yes, erm, woah, is that the time? I better get going.

2. Venue: Ogbomoso, Nigeria; Year: 1995 or 1996; Situation: D goes to visit this girl he’s trying to impress. S, a mate of mine, is at the girl’s house visiting her roommate. I found out about the goings-on from S. Yeah, I forgot to add that D was one of those guys who felt he was a mack and this girl had already found out that he had a girlfriend; Outcome: He failed….woefully.

D: Woah, u are so fine I don’t even know what to say anymore.
Girl: How about ‘goodbye’?

3. Venue: Lagos, Nigeria; Year: 1994 or 1995 (whenever “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men was released as a single); Situation: B was after my brother’s girlfriend’s older sister so tries to woo her in his car. Found out about the goings-on from my brother who snuck into the back seat of the car; Outcome: B succeeded.

B: Let’s go to the car. I wanna tell u something.
Girl: Sure.
B: Close ur eyes.
Girl: (closing her eyes) Okay.
B: Make a wish.
Girl: (obviously going along with this) Okay.
B: Open ur eyes. Did u make a wish?
Girl: Erm, well……
B: (holding girl’s hands and looking into her eyes) I made a wish and my wish was to be with u.

4. Venue: Chicago(?), USA; Year: 2001; Situation: R.K.’s driving in his car when he sees this girl on the street; Outcome: R.K. succeeded….well, kinda.

R.K.: Hey girl, u sure u look fly. Wanna take a ride in my jeep?
Girl: Nah, mama says I’d not talk to strangers.
R.K.: U know who I am, right?
Girl: Yeah, I am a huge fan. My mama got all ur CDs.
R.K.: Cool, so u and ya mama know me. Just call me uncle R. Now let me give u a ride. U like ice cream?
Girl: Sure.
R.K.: Cool then. Let’s go get some ice cream. Hope u don’t mind if I stop at Radio Shack and get me a camcorder. How old are u again?
Girl: I’m gonna be 14 tomorrow.
R.K.: Well, let’s go celebrate ur birthday in advance. I composed a song for u, wanna hear it?
Girl: For shizzy my nizzy.
R.K.: (Now serenading the girl) My mind’s telling me ‘no’, but my bodyyyyyyy, my body’s telling me ‘yes’………..

Okay, okay I made the last bit up, but y’all must admit that it’da happened.

So what’s better than revealing embarrassing stuff about u and ur mates? Revealing embarrassing stuff about others. It’s just like having a crappy day and then watching The Jerry Springer Show. It won’t ease one’s problems but it sure does make one feel better about oneself. U want another sure fire way to boost ur morale? Watch old tapes of talk shows, movie premieres, interviews, etc, where Hollywood stars who are now separated talked about their undying love for their then-partners. Go dig up Donald “Ivana completes me” Trump’s declaration to Ivana on the Oprah Winfrey Show or Don “Melanie just does it for me” Johnson’s ode to his then missus Melanie Griffith, also on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Hmmmmm, is there a trend developing here? Worst of all though is Jeff Gordon, a NASCAR driver in America. True NASCAR fans hate him ‘cos he’s young, mega-rich, good looking and humble. Anyways a few years ago - when Tiger Woods was at the top of his game, probably ‘cos he wasn’t yet engaged to be married – a reporter asked Jeff Gordon how his dominance of NASCAR compared to Tiger’s dominance of golf and Jeff said something along the lines of “Tiger’s a great athlete and probably has more money than he’ll ever spend. But what’s the use of all that if u don’t have someone beside u to share it with. My wife’s the best; I don’t know what I’ll do without her, in fact I don’t know how I managed before I met her. Coming home to her is better than any race win…….” So guess what happens? His wife files for divorce a year or so later and uses the excerpt from that article as evidence in divorce court that she really did contribute to the guy’s success…….even though he was already ‘made’, and she was just a NASCAR model, when they met. If there’s a more fitting case for grabbing one by the balls and squeezing until they pop, I’m yet to see it.

Okay, I’m off to chauffeur my dad to the hospital where my sister and her twins are. Tot ziens.