I'm back!!!!!!!

Hola peeps. (Man, I wish I’d have an interactive blog so when I greeted y’all u’d reply. Kinda like Norm on Cheers or Dr. Nick on The Simpsons. Oh well, what do I know?!) So y’all missed me? Yeah, just thot I’d penalize y’all for not sending me those checks (sorry, I meant cheques……being in the UK and all). I’ve given up on appealing to the magnanimous side in y’all and gonna just 4get about fleecing y’all for money. Cheapskates!!! Anyways I’ve been updating the “Articles of interest to moi” blog so if y’all have the time u might wanna check it out. Got both funny and serious stuff in there.

So what’s been happening to y’all? Since I last communicated with y’all I got offered a job in Oxford and decided to postpone my trip to Nigeria as a result. Wait, y’all didn’t know I was thinking of going to Nigeria? My bad. Thought I’d mentioned to y’all the fact that I was gonna embark on my belated presidential campaign. Hey, it’s high time someone did right by us Nigerians. Well, I’ll let u know when my campaign website is set up. Hope y’all will decide to send checks (erm, cheques) then……….or else when I take over the world I’ll enjoy watching y’all lick the toe jam b/w my crusty toes, while stroking my pet pig with my non-metallic hand. Huh ha huh ha huh (that’s my taking-over-the-world laughter by the way).
Yeah, so after I accepted the job offer I told my dad. Saying he wasn’t pleased is a bit of an understatement. The reason for his rage? I dunno, menopause maybe….oh that’s the wrong gender. Huh ha huh ha huh.

While he was pulling his hair out (hey, I am the only baldy in my family) I calmly explained my reasons for accepting the job. He said “ U are my son and I just want the best for u. I don’t want u to feel I’m forcing u to return to Nigeria. As long as u concentrate on what u are doing I’m happy. Just promise me that u don’t plan to return to America and that u won’t marry a non-Nigerian.” I am not yanking ur chains peeps, he really did say that. How was I supposed to respond to that? Man, I couldn’t wait to get off the phone so I’d laff my ass off. Trust my dad to segue between a conversation about employment prospects and one about marriage. A bit of background: My dad’s a cool guy. It’s just that he gets swept with opinions at times. For instance, he never had a problem with the diamond (okay, high quality cubic zirconia) stud in my ear until during my graduation at Bradford when he saw some Nigerains he knew and thought it’dn’t be appropriate for “a graduate to wear ear rings”. Same with my stint in the States. He really wanted me to go through with my PhD degree – he even mentioned it again a few weeks ago – but I’m glad I didn’t ‘cos that wouldn’t have been me. My dad wouldn’t have given a hoot about my research thesis. He’d have wanted me to do a PhD so he’d tell his friends that his son graduated with a PhD. Same with the marriage thang. ‘Cos he got married early and most of his mates’ kids my age are already married he wants my siblings and I to get hitched as soon as possible. Does he care if we find the right partners? Sure, but he really wants another wedding (after my sister’s in 2002) and mucha grandkids. I guess he’s ‘frightened’ I’ll end up with a non-Nigerian ‘cos he’s never met (or spoken to) a recent girlfriend of mine who wasn’t one. Poor guy. His antics make me laff. Here’s a greatest hits of some of the conversations I’ve had with him:

1. Year: 1998; Location: London, UK; Topic of conversation: Girlfriend.
Dad: So what’s wrong with that girl I saw you with?
Tunde: Nah, we too cool for that. Besides, she’s my ex-girlfriend’s closest friend.
Dad: So? U said ex-girlfriend, right?
Tunde: Yes.
Dad: So what’s the problem? The operative word here is ex.

2. Year: 1999; Location: Indiana, USA; Topic of conversation: Long-term Girlfriend/Wife.
Dad: So what’s wrong with either of those 2 girls I saw u with?
Tunde: Nah, dad. Miss D and Miss B are mates of mine and I don’t really see them as more than that.
Dad: U don’t have to be like ur brother and wait til u graduate. Let me tell u something. During my studies in England I got married, had ur oldest brother and still maintained a job. With all these responsibilities I still managed to graduate top of my class and saved more money than all my single friends. If I can do it I don’t see why u can’t.
Tunde: (mumbling under his breath) Well, if u were really satisfied with ur life, how come u married 2 other women afterwards?

3. Year: 2004; Location: London, UK; Topic of conversation: Wife.
Dad: U’d take a holistic approach to life. Don’t wait til u get a ‘good’ job b4 u get married. Find someone u are compatible with and can assist u in fulfilling ur dreams.
Tunde: Yes, sir.
Dad: U listening to what I’m saying?
Tunde: (thinking of Chris Tucker-Jackie Chan “u hearing the words that are coming outta my mouf” scene in Rush Hour) Yes, sir.
Dad: U know I’ve always allowed u kids to make ur own decisions but sometimes u have to make some sacrifices for ur parents. I did for mine. I know ur brother Ayo has a girlfriend he’s happy with. I haven’t met urs.
Tunde: (thinking to himself) Isn’t this guy tired of talking about marriage? This is the 6th time we’ve had this speech since he arrived 13 days ago. If only he knew Ayo’s no longer with his girlfriend. Poor guy’s afraid to tell him or he’ll be sitting here with me having these never-ending talks with dad.
Dad: So where’s ur girlfriend?
Tunde: I don’t have one at the present time. Not top of my priorities now. U’d know I’m not one of those people who always have to be in a relationship. I broke up with my last girlfriend in March 2003.
Dad: I see. (thinking to himself: “Oh well, I’ve got 12 kids, 3 are married and one’s on her way there. If I keep badgering the rest of them maybe they’ll give in and move outta my house. I really wanna organise a party for me and my mates and at my age a kid’s wedding is the best excuse. Maybe I’d offer them a cash incentive. Nah, that’d never work. Guess I’m gonna have to keep hassling them until they give in. Yep, gonna have a talk with this punk tomorrow again. He ain’t getting away with his ‘I am not one of those people who always have to be in a relationship’ crap philosophy. Hmmm, maybe he’s gay. Nah, God forbid. No son of mine can be gay, I mean look at him for goodness sake. He’s bald, he lifts weights and likes to keep fit, he’s pierced his ear……oh my, he is gay! No, no, it’s not possible, he doesn’t have a lisp. No, no, no, he can’t be gay. Why can’t I get this thought outta my head? Nah, nah, nah, nah…….man, isn’t that a Kylie Minogue song? Don’t gay folk like Kylie Minogue? Woah, this is a bad sign.”)
Tunde: Dad, can I go now? I’ve got some ironing to do.
Dad: Sure, sure. Just think about what I said. (thinking to himself: “…and he doesn’t mind ironing too! Oh my, he really is gay. No, no, no, he can’t be gay. If he is I’m sure it’s somehow his mother’s fault.”)
Tunde: (thinking to himself) I’m sure I’m gonna have another ‘talk’ with my dad tomorrow. Joy o joy.

Now y’all get a picture of what I go through. My dad’s arriving from Nigeria in less than 3 hours. He’s gonna be hear for about 14 days so I’ll keep y’all informed of future conversations. Gotta go now…..need to make the house look tidy. Tot ziens.

PS
B4 I leave y’all I just wanna share some of his attempts at hooking me up.

1. Year: 2004; Location: London, UK; Who: His girlfriend’s (yep, u read it right) daughter.
The skinny: My dad calls Miss N (his girlfriend’s daughter) into his room under the guise that he’s got her mom on the phone and her mom wants to say hi. My brother’s about to serve my dad his dinner and is about to knock on the door when he hears my dad telling Miss N: “U are single and Tunde is also. U’d get to know him. He’s a really nice guy”. At this point my brother can’t take it anymore and retreats to my room where he blurts out what he heard and we have a good laff. I tell him I don’t believe him ‘cos there’s no way my dad would do that. He swears it’s true but I still don’t believe him. I go to the living room to chill and surf the web. Miss N steps outta my dad’s room and says she’s about to leave. She comes over to where I’m seated, makes idle conversation about the size of my fingers (while stroking them) and calls me “Tundy boo”. Tundy boo?!!! Where did that come from? That was proof enough that my brother wasn’t yanking my chain. Yep, my nickname around the house is now Tundy boo. Doubt if I’m gonna live that down even after I am married.

2. Year: 2004; Location: Lagos, Nigeria; Who: My cuz’s (Femi) wife’s best friend.
The skinny: My dad’s at Femi’s traditional engagement party in Lagos; Femi and his fiancé are in the UK though. Introductions are made and my dad finds out the youngest person in the room is Tobi’s (Femi’s fiancé) best friend and a doctor. He approaches her and asks if she’ll be attending the forthcoming wedding in London. She affirms that she will, as she’s Tobi’s chief bridesmaid. He tells her that he’s got a son in London who’s gonna be the bestman at the wedding and he believes she’ll hit it off with him. He was right, we did hit it off………but just as friends. Another one bites the dust, huh?