The God that answers by sackings, let Him be my God

Hola peeps. ¿Título divertido, no es?

It’s Sunday here in harmattan-covered – talk about global weirding – Warri and Neo couldn’t fly down as planned on Friday ‘cos flights were cancelled due bad weather. Was so depressed at the news I’d planned to tuck into a big tub of ice cream while playing Track 1 off of PSquare’s newest CD over and over again. Instead, was taken out by some chick who once gave me a ride from the club. She saw me at the golf course on Thursday, and when we bumped into each other on my way home yesterday she re-introduced herself. We exchanged numbers after I thanked her for helping me out those months ago, and she called soon afterwards to inquire if I’d be keen on going for a TGIF shindig hosted by one of the local oil companies. Hey, I had nada better to do so I acquiesced to her request.

Soon as we got to the venue she started moving her hips to the songs – the DJ was incredibly good – while searching out some seats. (No wonder the chick wanted to go for the TGIF as she seemed to know every guest there.) She bought a drink, left me in the company of her pregnant sister, and rushed off to the dance floor. Didn’t feel like shaking my groove thang so spent the next hour and a half thinking of Neo while watching folk dance.

Quick question: How does one pull it off when an up-tempo song slows down? Or even worse when a slow-tempo song speeds up, e.g. Lionel Richie’s All Night Long? Okay here’s what I’m getting at. While watching folk dance Independent Women by Destiny’s Child came on and that slow part, u know that Child of destiny/Independent beauty/Noone else can scare me/Charlie's angels….. part, came on and while some dancers pretended to talk to their partner, others did some kinda slow movement thang. It was downright hilarious watching different folks’ reactions.

On way home after we drop off pregnant sister chick starts talking about how she has to return the ride to her sister early the next day. So? Then, she mentions how boring Warri is and how when she goes out all night she usually stays over at the crib of whoever she’s out on the town with…and if I’m keen we’d hit some more bars and….she’d always return the ride to her sister real early tomorrow and how….. hmmm. I politely told her I’d rather she dropped me off as I needed to catch some zzzzz after having woken up in the middle of the night to catch the Obama – Clinton debates. Next time we hang out I’ll be sure to take Parminder along so she won’t have an excuse to toss out that tired ass line.

The next morning I’d planned to treat Parminder to a car wash, but something or the other came up. Starting to think Warri’s the Twilight Zone ‘cos though I complain it’s crazy boring, at day’s end I can’t seem to recall what I did to occupy my time. Okay let’s see, yesterday I woke up about 9amish, cleaning lady – no, not the hot one – stopped by about 10am, surfed the web and responded to Miguel’s lies on Crackbook – the punk’s trying to soil my reputation ahead of my presidential bid in 8 years time – ‘til I drove for a presentation on a Timeshare-like vacation package. Yeah, yeah, that’s probably why I couldn’t remember much. Man, it was a waste of my time and then some. Not that the concept behind the package wasn’t sound, just that the first 55 minutes of the hour long presentation shoulda been scrapped. U’da seen them, it was like that South Park episode where the parents are convinced to visit Aspen for a “free” vacation. Lol…I kept glancing at the door to ensure we weren’t locked in and surrounded by security. There was this girl at the front who was obviously a ‘plant’. She overreacted to each question from the moderator, and laughed uproariously at unfunny anecdotes. I am sure she graduated bottom of her class at the Nollywood School of Acting.

After I ‘escaped’ from their clutches with a ‘free’ weekend away (with more strings attached than a marionette) I drove around town in search of polo shirts to play golf in. While glancing around I saw a uniquely Warri scene: a lunatic roaming around smoking a huge wrap of weed. U what? Couldn’t help thinking, …where did he get the funds to purchase weed…..who sold it to him….if he doesn’t have the funds, does he grow his own stash? It buggers the mind, don’t it? (Geddit? It BUGGERS the MIND, as in make one mad? Geddit? Aww, forget y’all.)

US political news: As mentioned above I woke up 2am Friday morning to watch the Democratic Presidential debate and only got an hour’s snooze b4 I resumed shift at the club. So I ended up letting go of the pole twice, okay thrice, and fell headlong into two clients, okay there were five of them, still the debates were worth every minute of my time.

Only a few days before complained to mates about how tired and jaded I was of all the CNN coverage - No wonder folk don’t go out to vote, the process to get a US Presidential candidate is crazy long - but the latest debate reinvigorated my wonkish genes. So utterly amazing to watch two candidates at the top of their game trade verbal blows, defend their stances, or changes in them, and avoid answering questions directly. It’s a skill I’d grasp in the coming years. Ha.

Today, just a couple of days removed from the tranquil ambience of the debate, the two candidates are already back attacking each other over Karl Rove-esque tactics. Karl should be so proud; I reckon his name should be entered into the political lexicon the way a certain Mr. Lewinski’s daughter’s has. All in all u can bet ur bottom crisp Naira note that when the Democrats decide on a nominee the loser will eulogise about what a great leader the nominee is and how they fought a clean, determined race, etc. Utter bollocks.

A case in point is flip flopper Mitt Romney who endorsed John McCain just a few days after they’d both questioned the other’s qualities in not too pleasant terms. Same happened with Rudolph ‘the red nosed Mayor’ Giuliani. The losers react this way in order to leave a door ever so slightly open in case they wish to run again, or to secure a position in the nominee’s cabinet. Once, just once, I’d like to see someone stick to their guns even after a loss. So y’all decided on my rival instead, huh? I pity everyone of u. U think u have it tough now, wait ‘til this bozo starts ruling. Oh man, don’t say I didn’t tell u so. In fact, every year on the anniversary of my loss I shall take out ads in major media outlets with a big, fat I TOLD U SO. Punk ass punks. Lol…now that would be über interesting.

Still on Romney, while watching the dude ‘suspend’ his presidential campaign on February 7th I thought he gave his most passionate speech yet. Maybe if he had done similar on the hustings he’da had more support. Come to think of it maybe his speeches weren’t the problem after all ‘cos while watching that press conference all I’d think of was, Woah, what a suit! Never seen a shirt ironed so crisply. What a full head of hair!

Not since Vanilla Ice and Cameron Diaz in that scene from There’s Something About Mary has someone had such ‘outstanding’ hair. Dude said he quit ‘cos of his love for the country. Nah, he quit ‘cos with all the millions he spent on hair spray no one gave him the time of day.

The US presidential race goes to prove my point all along that in politics, like William Goldman said about Hollywood, nobody knows anything. First, the ‘experts’ tell us folk said they’d not vote for Mitt ‘cos of his religion, then that didn’t seem to play a role. Later, it was Obama couldn’t cut it with whites and Hispanics. They haven’t the foggiest idea, do they? Maybe they’d switch things around and conduct polls AFTER the elections. The punks.

So what’s the moral of the story? Always tell the truth, not changing positions with the wind. At least no matter what happens u can look urself in the mirror and know u stood ur ground. Actually, that’s what Senator McCain said when asked how he’s come from behind a few months back to topple the so-called front runners. I see, this the same McCain that told workers just b4 the Michigan primary that “jobs aren’t coming back”, then changed his tune after he lost Michigan? Bah, humbug.

Local political news: This just in. The election of the Senate President of Nigeria has been annulled. That’s the third senator from Benue State whose election has been declared null. Let’s not even go into the various annulments of gubernatorial elections. Dunno whether to laugh or cry anymore. Hope Messrs Iwu and Obasanjo are sleeping easily wherever they are.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Sudan’s still bellowing, Chad was gonna join in, Zimbabwe’s still in dire straits, the Kenyan issue hasn’t been resolved yet. A few weeks ago my mate in Kenya responded to an SMS I sent: …lovely 2 hear from u, Tunde. We’re praying, pray with us. It’s not pretty…the most killed r the poor, the economy’s suffering, it’s getting ethnic…
‘Cos someone wants to rule by all means they don’t care how many people get slaughtered. That’s a life that’s never coming back! No amount of power can be worth that. That what we want the world to see, Africa? I dunno man, dunno.

After my trips to Kenya, Uganda and Ghana I realized one important fact: my charm pervades all borders. Lol…seriously, the trips opened my eyes to the fact that less wealthy nations have a better quality of life than us Nigerians. No kidding. Nigerian leaders have no excuses for the dire state of the country, none at all. The power situation, state of roads and other infrastructure, state of the education sector? Nada, no excuses. Man, I need to get my mind off this….

Entertainment news: Recently heard Akon and Michael Jackson on the updated version of the MJ’s old track Wanna Be Starting Something. I know Akon’s pipes usually result in a bump up the Billboard charts, but fear Michael might end up jinxing him like he did Teddy Riley and Rodney “Darkchild” Jerkins. Remember when those dudes were producers de rigueur? I’m sure somewhere there’s also an unreleased Death Row-produced MJ track.

It’s not that I don’t think Mike can still hack it, okay I know he can’t, but u’d heard the track; Mike’s voice has finally broken. Ladies and Gentlemen, it took over four decades but Michael Jackson has finally attained puberty! That actually reminds me of a story I heard back in Uganda. Tevin Campbell performed there about a year ago, and crowd was so pissed they requested for a refund. Why? Turns out Mr. Campbell Tevin had put on some weight and didn’t sound as squeaky as he used to. Can We Talk? Nah, Tevin, we can’t. Not unless u get ur old voice back.

Watched loadsa TV over the weekend and realized one’s gotta be downright romantic to write a song such as Busta’s I Love My Bitch; that song musta come from the heart, man. Ha. I don’t get rappers though. Of all the beautiful chicks in their videos they end up with some, erm, not-so-stunning chicks. Case in point is Snoop; u seen his wife?! I remember as kids watching music videos all we’d say was, Yankee is the place!!! U mean u can just walk down the street and see such beautiful women? Can’t wait to go there. Obviously we now know it’s all crap. Only guys that seem to clock the most stunning women are sports stars. Have u seen the wives of some of those black American Football players? Speechless, speechless, that’s how they make me feel/When I see them I get lost for words….

Family news: Ayo’s engaged. Had planned to tell y’all, but kept skipping my mind. Thought he was joking, but dude returned from the UK with news of his engagement. Of course, no one believed him. This the same dude who arrived for Kinzo’s wedding a few months back with his ex, and now he’s engaged to someone else?! Anyways, it’s all true. Apparently he’d known this girl forever and after he broke up with ex they hooked up and the rest is history.

My future sister-in-law (name withheld until I am sure Ayo’s ready to go the whole 9) has moved back to Nigeria as well and they plan to get hitched next year. Pressure on Tunde, u say? Nah, I am all the way in Warri so the folks can’t disturb me as much. However, that didn’t stop mom from attempting to have a “talk” with me while I was in Lagos. She said she’s been praying for me to get married April this year. I laughed out loud and told her God would know she was being ludicrous.

Think the reason she wants a wedding soon is ‘cos Ayo’s is next year and she badly wants to appear in a wedding album. Nah, I am serious. Never, I repeat, never met anyone who loves taking pics as much as this woman. Every wedding she attends she comes back with a photo. “It’s not my fault”, she says. “I don’t ask those photographers to take pictures, but when they present them to me I gotta pay.” No, u don’t, woman. It’s just an excuse for ur narcissism. Wait, wait, here’s a thought, u know how I told y’all in last blog I couldn’t put a finger on why I ended things with Li’l Missy. Think I now can; that chick’s as vain as my mom! So subconsciously I musta decided that….nah, this Warri boredom’s really getting to me.

Well, since I am here I might as well toss out more theories. Think my mom’s secretly missing her married daughters around her ‘cos lately she’s offered some leftover fabric and suggested she make shirts for me outta them. Thank goodness I saw the fabrics b4 I gave my approval ‘cos I still haven’t worn one she made while I was in PH. Man, u’d see that shirt. It’s so gay even gay Hawaiians wouldn’t wear such a garish shirt. If I wore that clothing out on the town random guys would inexplicably gang up and gimme a beating like we back in primary school playground….and I wouldn’t blame them.

Okay, it’s time for my group’s appointment with the shrink. I think subject for today should be mothers. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Akon and Mike, if y’all reading this I reckon u’d get T-Pain on that track. Listening to T-Pain’s like learning nursery rhymes. Notice how he repeats every line from his songs? That’s classic, that’s how u can’t get his songs outta ur head.

PPS
Almost forgot to tell y’all inspiration behind the blog title. It was the subject title of an email sent by a college buddy; yeah, one of the ‘Ghana crew’. Who woulda thunk getting Hans Hubert “Berti” Vogts fired as head coach of the Nigeria football team would elicit such religious fervour? Ha. The foreign media inform us that punk ass Berti resigned, but local reporters tell us he was fired by the hitherto incompetent NFA (Nigeria Football Ass-kissers). Whatever the reason, good riddance to sauer - geddit? geddit? - rubbish. Now if we can just get at the NFA board…..