Mr. Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes

Hola peeps. Una semana agradable para aprender un nuevo juego.

Second week since been back in Warri, and slowly, discovering way around. Yesterday drove to the best hotel in these parts for the 42nd anniversary dinner of my alma mater. The organizers coulda done a better job, but glad I went ‘cos met a classmate I hadn’t seen in over a decade. He in turn introduced me to two others from my year: a guy I wouldn’t have recognised otherwise, and a girl I still have no recollection of. Earlier in the day I drove to the school and man, it brought back memories. I expected the school to be smaller than I remember, but it was incredibly tiny. The distance from the main gate to the assembly hall seemed like a huge trek then, but now everywhere looked clustered. While driving out I smiled at the thought that I felt like Gulliver in the land of the Lilliputians.

As promised y’all last year I signed up for golf lessons, and had first session today. Never thought hitting a ball would be so difficult. Ended up with a blister on my left palm, just below the index finger, ‘cos wasn’t gripping club properly…or so the instructor said. Moi thinks it’s ‘cos of my – saying this with Jack-esque lisp - extra, extra sensitive skin. ‘Cos of painful blister I moved next lesson to Tuesday so I’d heal properly. Yes, I am a wuss.

All in all I think I’d get the hang of this golf game. Instructor tells me backswing’s ace and current problem’s getting the front swing to follow through. He reckons it’s a mental thang, apparently I am using too much force on the swing down. Hmmm. Also I need to get a change of wardrobe as my round-neck t-shirts aren’t the norm on golf courses. Need to get some polo shirts and ensure they tucked in properly when on the green. Plan to research why one must wear polo shirts; is there something about collars that helps one’s swing? Nah, nah, not gonna give in. Gonna comply ‘til I get my golf game down pat and then gba-row-row-row I’m switching so far I’ll become the Happy Gilmore of the Nigerian golf scene. Tennis players dressed all conservative in white shirts and shorts ‘til Andre Agassi came out and tore the script with his flowing locks, ear rings, and denim shorts. That could be me…..without the flowing locks of course.

Relationship news: She’s back in my life, she’s back in my life. Dunno whether to laugh or cry, dunno whether to chill or to drive. And she still has va va voom, she’s back in my life…..

Yes y’all Parminder is with me here in Warri. 6-weeks-married mate brought her down on his way from PH. He came along for a few days with his gorgeous, new bride and dude couldn’t help gushing about married life. While walking across the club’s parking lot some dude passed by us and made a not-so-discreet glance at his bride. Dude laughed it off and said, to all within ear shot, “it ain’t easy having a pretty wife o.” I concurred, and later suggested that dude mighta been glancing at him instead. He didn’t find that funny, and the more he scowled the more I lisped, Woo hoo, u look mighty cute in that pink shirt u wearing. U work it boy!. Needless to say I wasn’t gonna win any awards for Friend Of The Year.

February 14th news: New year, new Val’s day, new date. Lol…like I said last year the way I’m going it seems my criteria for wifey is if she remains date for consecutive Val’s day. It keeps things interesting though, dontcha think? Last year I couldn’t be with then girlfriend – was on the R.I.G. actually – and this year I’m stuck in Warri while Neo – more on her later – is in Kenya. Instead took Parminder out and treated her to a full on valet cleaning. U’d see the way other cars look on in envy as her fire engine-red hue gleams in the sunlight.

Neo and I couldn’t be together on Val’s day ‘cos we both gotta work, though I arranged a pre-Val’s day romantic dinner b4 I left Lagos. Was that enough? Noooo siree, apparently “it’s real important to spend ur 1st Val’s day together”. U what? See what Hallmark cards and Hollywood, esp Hallmark channel, has done to us guys? Val’s day, friggin’ Val’s day! It’s almost as if women wouldn’t mind being treated like shite for the rest of the year so long as they get the full royal treatment on the fourteenth day of February. Never gonna get it.

Peep this. A friend’s beau asked her what she wanted as a Val’s day present – dude’s wise ‘cos I spent a fortune on some earrings one year that chick didn’t dig – and she said flowers and shoes and a bag and some jewellery and a pony and ….. Brother man was low on funds so asked her to pick one thang. Guess what? She chose flowers, not ‘cos they were the cheapest option – she wanted an elaborate bouquet that woulda made Elton John jealous – but ‘cos “colleagues cannot ooh and aah over shoes.” U see women don’t necessarily want flowers on the 14th, they just wanna raise the stakes year on year to see which of them gets the largest bouquet. I’m sure there are some chicks out there who refuse to take up offers of better employment just ‘cos they wanna win ‘best bouquet’ three years in a row. Now u know why women are so pissed if they unemployed on Val’s day…and there was mate thinking it’s ‘cos his lady couldn’t afford to get him a gift!

While talking to some chick she said, “Presents don’t matter as long as they are large as possible. Get someone a vast quantity of stuff and no matter what it is they’ll love it”. I’m glad I asked ‘cos was trying to get a hint as to what she’d like – a mate fancies her and was hoping to surprise her with the ‘perfect’ gift. With this new found info I told mate, “Forget flowers, that’s so unoriginal. Get her a humungous basket of moth balls; trust me, she’ll appreciate it.” Hey, it’s the ‘perfect’ gift that keeps on giving.

New relationship news: So y’all wanna know about Neo? Met her on flight from Nairobi and digging her big time. Why am I telling y’all about this when I promised myself I won’t divulge more relationship info after ending things with Girlfriend #10? Frankly, I dunno. Maybe I need to share, maybe I need to convince meself that y’all didn’t jinx that relationship. (Hey, after Nigeria lost to Cote D’Ivoire – and I wasn’t wearing a Nigerian jersey like I did the last time I saw them live when they lost badly to Holland - I knew the vagaries of life don’t depend on my actions)

So here I am spilling all, braving the relationship elements and telling them to take their best shot, a la Lieutenant Dan Taylor in Forrest Gump. Er, if Neo and I end up badly I’m taking it all back. Hee hee.

So here’s a Cliff Notes version of my ‘serious’ relationship status since Girlfriend #10:

1. Girlfriend #11: Most folk who’ve seen The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston recall the parting of the Red Sea as the most memorable scene. Not moi. Mine’s the scene where Jethro’s daughters dance for Moses so dude would pick one as a wife. What’s the point of all this, u ask. Well, I’d hoped such a scene would be re-enacted at my 30th birthday party - oh, so y’all thought I organized a party just for the sake of it? Tsh tsh tsh – but folk were too busy getting their party on. However, it wasn’t a lost cause ‘cos that’s how I met Girlfriend #11 (aka Li’l Missy). U know that scene from the Billie Jean video where tiles light up as soon as MJ steps on them; that’s the sorta effect Li’l Missy had as she walked away after we were introduced. She definitely put the ‘hot’ in Hot Tamale.

So what went wrong? Dunno, really. Just that after the first two months – the relationship lasted for about five months - it seemed we had to ‘try’ to accomplish everything. Nada flowed anymore, there was something missing; we both tried but the passion, the oomph just seemed to dissipate outta everything. Even simple things like catching a movie became a chore. So for the first time in my life I ended a relationship with someone who I liked immensely.

2. Girlfriend #10 (again): Yup, didn’t follow my advice that one’d never go back to an ex. Hey, y’all actually think I follow thru with all I type on this blog? Tsh tsh tsh. Yes, I’da stuck to original conviction, but have no regrets this happened. It lasted all of three weeks and we ended stuff ‘cos of same reason we called it quits the first time, but got to express feelings I didn’t have the opportunity to the first time around.

3. Girlfriend #11 (again): Just kidding….though must admit I gave it some serious thought. It’s weird - or as the antipodeans say, weeeaaarrrddddd – that after we broke up Li’l Missy started doing stuff that if she had the first time around woulda kept me in the relationship. That said might probably have given it another go if we had remained in the same time zone. Oh well, u live and u learn.

So that’s it, now I am with Girlfriend #12 (aka Neo). As one grows older and one’s friends get married one’s bound to contemplate the ‘M’ word now and then…..especially after being forced to watch The Bachelor last week – long story – and thinking to myself, A guy with a lozenge-sounding name like Lorenzo can get on this show and make out with all these women with low-esteem?! Woah, I’d be on the Nigerian version of this show.
Seriously though, it’s inevitable that any girl I date now would be thinking marriage, and I do wanna get married, but can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m waiting for. It’s not like I’m scared or nothing, just that…..dunno man. I think I just wanna wake up and discover I’m married, u know. Wanna fast-forward through the whole introduction, wedding preparations, etc. Maybe I’d bivouac in Vegas.

Think the issue is ‘predictability’. I hate it! I’ve had friends who u KNEW it wasn’t a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’ they would get married to their long-term girlfriends. Don’t wanna be like that. I mean mom likes Neo – she’s Indian of Kenyan heritage so mom’s happy I at least ended up with an “African” – and so does rest of the family. It’s almost as if they know I’ll get married to her; almost as if it’s accepted, not if I’ll get married to her, but when. That seems to be my issue. Arghhhh I dunno peeps, I dunno.

I am real crazy about her, and I would tell y’all more about my feelings but I’m saving all that mushy stuff for her greeting card next Val’s day…..if y’all don’t jinx us that is. Tot ziens and God bless.