My friend Udeme is a great mannequin

Hola peeps. ¿Donde yo comienzan?

Man, haven’t blogged about politics in a while, huh? But first, I must address something real close to my heart, okay, closer to my arse but y’all will catch the drift (as in drift of smell arising from doodle…lol…man, I kill myself) eventually. Since last blog peeps been calling, commenting on how gross it is to describe my doodle experiences. Well tough. I’ve said it b4 and I’ll say it again, taking a dump is one of the best things God invented. Man, it’s almost orgasmic sometimes. Nada better than to relax in a clean loo without a care in the world. Psst, I’ll let y’all in on a little secret. Most times when I get the urge to sit on the white throne I check to make sure there are appropriate conveniences around then I hold it in until the last moment. What can I say, I like to live on the edge……either that or I badly need to get a life.

Okay enuff about bowel movements…okay one more. The other day I badly needed to go so went on routine check of loos close to the class where I am conducting a course on Strippers: World’s unappreciated heroes. Got to door number one and before I’d rap on the door I got a whiff of something almost toxic. Boy o boy. Ever got a sniff of something so bad u lose all coordination? Man, the stench was otherworldly. No longer was I bothered about taking a dump, I had to see who was responsible for such mayhem. So I walked outta the communal restroom and found a convenient viewing spot. After about 5 minutes this skinny lady walked out, glanced both ways, straightened her skirt and proceeded to strut as if, as Nigerians say, s&^t no dey commot her belle. The sight of that made my day….okay maybe I really don’t have a life. Ha.

Indulge me in another paragraph on this topic please? Thank u. U see even as a kid I always wondered what it’d be like for famous folks to do the number two? For instance, close ur eyes and picture, say, HRH Queen Elizabeth II taking a dump? Dontcha think it’d be cool to take a dump with her crown on? What sorta faces would she make? What sorta groans would she utter? Please tell me u are not the least bit intrigued. Now imagine Michael Jackson taking a dump. Man, wanna tell me if there was a show titled, Famous People Doing The Number 2 u wouldn’t wanna watch it?

Okay, I’ll stop…ish. Speaking of bowel movements I was crazy hungry while in PH so decided on boli and fish as I hadn’t had that in ages. Then I discovered they had hiked up the price of roast plantain by 33%, and they must have a union ‘cos all boli sellers in PH have gone that route. Thinking of buying a bunch of plantains and taking it to them to roast on my behalf. Yup, that’s the effect of the fuel price increase, and it doesn’t help that there’s still petrol scarcity in PH. Man, the government had better sort out this thang out else I might be forced to buy a cooker and actually do some cooking. Oh the horror of it all.

More PH news: U know how folk buy those Nature Sounds CDs in order to get a good night’s sleep? Considered doing that, but knew it’d be useless w/out constant power supply throughout the night. Well, yesterday slept like a baby to the sound of waterfalls, or so I thought. Turns out that the faucet in the adjoining bathroom has a leaking seal so all I hear all day is the constant drip of water on the sink. Who needs waterfalls when one has a faulty tap?

Had to replace the shock absorbers on Parminder last week ‘cos the road to my crib’s, well, let’s just say when Jesus gave that parable about building one’s house upon a rock the landlords around here took that literally. Haven’t these dudes ever heard of tarring a road? Man! The road’s so rocky I saw some cab’s bumper fall off while attempting to navigate thru the valleys and peaks in the road. Maybe it’s high time I traded Parminder in for a 4x4. But man, it’d hurt so ‘cos we only just got back together. U know how I glance at my six-pack in the mirror after taking a shower, I am tempted to line the route to the club with mirrors so Parminder could also admire her shiny new red coat of paint. Nah, I can’t trade her in, not yet…..

Recently fumigated crib again as the roaches were starting to make a comeback. Found only a few but from their massive droppings I’d tell I’d myself some mutant roaches. A swift call to the fumigator sorted everything out and now I’ve got my crib back, apart from the occasional wall gecko or so.

Politics news: As u no doubt have heard/read/been informed a number of former state governors have been arrested and charged with utilizing state funds as their personal piggy banks. A few are out having met the stringent bail conditions, but no way they escaping this. Nigerians are hoping some former governors of Niger Delta states are picked up as well. They had better be after all the crap they pulled. Peeps, Nigeria is changing. I told y’all, didn’t I? God loves this country.

Alams, the erstwhile Bayelsa state governor, has been released but will forever be branded a criminal for what he did. Hope his tummy tuck and all the money was worth the disgrace to his family name. The punk. Now we have so-called political godfathers yapping about how nada positive was done in some states in the past 8 years. Oi punk, why didn’t u say stuff then? Ur lips were too busy giving the governor’s arse a glossy finish, huh?

Some of the governors arrested even have the gall to parade themselves as freedom fighters. Man, pisses me off so much if I had any hair I’da pulled it out by now. These guys are punk ass punks who take credit for everything good and the blame for nada. Do u know that a (hopefully) soon-to-be-arrested former governor when campaigning for a second term cited bringing a local fast food company to the state capital as one of his accomplishments? This, when roads are crappy and the state shuts down by 7pm ‘cos of threat of armed robbers? Another cited installing street lights that work for 24 hours. Yup, just what u need, a working street light in daytime!

Thang is the people have had enuff. During the handover ceremony an outgoing governor was railed with abuses and dude had to run for cover after folk began flinging plastic bottles in his direction. Hopefully that’ll teach the incumbents that we watching their every sinister move.

Hookup news: Yup, that again. Guys, u know how when u get into a new relationship chicks from way and wide, chicks that never gave u the time of day when u were single all of a sudden start contacting u? Well, with the number of calls I’ve gotten in the past 2 weeks maybe it’s a sign I’m gonna embark on a relationship soon. Either that or the tales of my fabulous six-pack (hereon to be known as Ab Fab) have a pied piper effect on long forgotten female acquaintances. In past fortnight got a call from mate’s sister who said she’s got a friend in PH who’s been bugging her to know if I have a girlfriend/lover. Now ain’t that special? Told her to tell her friend I only want a friend who can cook for me and nothing else. That seemed to put paid to her quest.

Then got calls from chicks I kinda had an interest in at one time or the other: UK (wanting to hookup when I am there later this month), PH (that UniPort chick from my first month in PH), Abuja (some chick I had met there last year), PH (some chick I met during NYSC in Lagos), PH (a mate’s cousin). U know the funny thang about all of this? Some years back I’da been ecstatic at how much nookie was on offer I’da indeed made plans to see them. Thang is the sheer hate directed at me from ex I tried to get in touch with - from few blogs back…come on keep up peeps - affected me more than I thot. Always prided myself on being an okay boyfriend that still maintains a somewhat cordial relationship with exes. After her outburst decided I don’t need to mess with anyone’s hearts, unintentionally or not. Just gonna bide my time until Megan Fox comes calling. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. But y’all know what I mean, right? Good.

Was sharing same worries with mate, yeah the marriage-ready one, and all I got was, “Dude, it’s free nookie, what u on about? Okay, how’s about u just meet them. What of the hookups? U never know u might like one of them……”. He just couldn’t fathom what I was on about, until last week that is. There’s a lovely German word schadenfreude that always comes to mind at times like these. U see my man’s direct boss asked him if he had a girlfriend and the dude told a boldface lie. Why? He still doesn’t know why he did it. Anyways, turns out his boss has a daughter he’s trying to get married off and dude’s been invited for dinner. Dude doesn’t know how to decline the invitation, and cannot cough up to his boss that he’s actually in a long-term relationship. Can’t wait to see how this unfolds. Lol…man, life sure is good. Dude doesn’t even know what the girl looks like, at least I had the nous to request for pics of folk I was to be hooked up with.

Speaking of pics I need to buy a digital camera so I can change my profile picture on Facebook. Why? ‘Cos the one on is a pic of when I was a baby and man, if there is/was a cuter baby I haven’t seen one. Anyways that pic tends to generate even more hookups as folk wanna get close to good genes. Lol…man, I kid (geddit? Geddit? ‘Kid’ and ‘baby’? Aww, forget yous). Nah, need to get a camera ‘cos been an age since I had one and wanna take pics of nephews and nieces (and maybe their parents…if they nice) in the UK. Gosh, but must say this Facebook thang’s addictive. Cool ‘cos got in touch with peeps I had lost contact with. Crappy ‘cos peeps I hoped I’d never see again have been in touch. As the Japanese say, shigata ga nai.

Another thing I discovered about Facebook and similar social networking sites is that it brings out the closet voyeur in all of us. Woah, long lost love from primary school is on Facebook. Sweet. Ooops, it says on her profile that she’s now married. Hmmm, I wonder if she’s REALLY happy in her marriage. We did share a real love those years back in school. Gotta find a way to get rid of her husband.

Yeah, also discovered that apart from being voyeurs all humans (on social networking sites at least) are narcissists. Think about it, why would u tell random folk what u up to except u want them to enquire further about u? Tunde is out of his house from 9am to 4pm this week or Tunde is wondering why he can’t grow an afro like dude from Boney M, etc. Or maybe it’s just easier to tell complete strangers what’s going on in ur life. Yeah, probably is. That’s why shrinks are so in demand. We had this group exercise at work once when I was in the UK and a consultant was brought in. Can’t remember the gist of what she said but we were supposed to talk freely about what was going on in our private lives and I blurted out that I was cheating on my then girlfriend. ‘Til this day I dunno why I did it, but reckon maybe it’s ‘cos I needed to get that guilt off my chest and what better way to do that than in front of strangers who don’t know me, and most importantly, who don’t know my girlfriend.

One thang I do cherish about Facebook is it’s easier than sending email. This helps a lot ‘cos most peeps complain that I write one-sentence emails. I’ve considered using larger font but don’t think that will resolve their gripe. They can’t fathom why I write reeeeaaaalllly long blogs yet can’t go past a line in an email. Honestly, dunno why blog’s so long, maybe I just like the sound of depressed keys on the keyboard. This whole non-blog writing thang probably goes back to boarding school days when one sorta had to write letters to family. There are 12 kids and 4 parents in my family, after writing the first two letters I run outta stuff to say. If I had a computer back then it’da been easier as all I’d have to do is CTRL+C and CTRL+V. Anyways, got so bad I’d make up excuses, okay I’d lie, on why I didn’t write letters. But I mailed letters to all of u! Damn this Nigerian Postal Service. They are so incompetent…

Well fast forward to Val’s Day 1998. Had this lovely ex who searched and searched until she found a card that reflected how she genuinely felt. As I opened the card I glanced at it briefly and closed it. But she called my attention to it, read the words out loud and as she read she started crying ‘cos like I said – DUH! - it really expressed how she felt about me. And what sorta card did I get her? Can’t remember, it was either nada or something witty like Happy Val’s Day To The Girl With The World’s Best Boyfriend. Can u imagine someone going thru that effort and moi reciprocating with a run-of-the-mill card? Think that traumatised me for life ‘cos never bought a Val’s card since then. Hey, it’s just the way I am, guess I am not a card (or email) person. It’s just something the winner on the newest reality show sweeping the nation, Tunde’s Project Marriage 2008, would have to live with.

Tunde’s Project Marriage news: While reviewing applicants to appear on this reality/game show where the grand prize is none other than The Fresh Prince of Bradford (i.e. moi) I have seeking opinions of married folk on what format the show should take. I asked for advice on what makes their marriage tick. Some dude said if I’m considering marriage I’d send a tone from the wedding day. “Make sure u let ur in-laws know u won’t take any s&%t. In fact ur wedding reception should last just 30 minutes and after that send everyone out.”

Another dude said since he’s gotten hitched he has never let his wife spend money on anything on the house. He’d rather she spent her money on herself. “U see before I got married to her I’d been interested in other girls from my ethnic group, but they didn’t gimme the time of day. Maybe ‘cos I wasn’t earning much money then. So when I met my wife, who’s from a different part of the country, and she agreed to marry me I swore I’d never let her regret her decision. When we met she was earning more than I was but I still wouldn’t let her pay for stuff. Now I’m earning at least 50 times more and she still doesn’t pay for squat. She knows how much I earn, and I don’t hide anything from her.” Man, this is cool. I’d have an obstacle course on the show based on this concept. That’d make the process of elimination easier.

It was now the turn of singletons. Spoke to marriage-ready mate and dude informed me he might soon propose. Yup, I have heard that one before. Says his main fear is girlfriend has…wait for it…..fat tendencies and he’s told her he’d not like her to balloon after having kids. ‘Cos of that he now watches what she eats and even removes the flesh from her plate of chicken. To each his own I guess.

Another colleague who’s been saying “I am getting married before the end of the year” since I met him two years ago offered no advice. All he said was, “My guy, this might be the year o. I think my girlfriend’s had enuff of my avoiding the issue. The other day I received an email from a website, Good Groom News. Turns out my girlfriend had registered me on it. Reckon she wants that wedding asap.”

Finally, I got a woman’s perspective and she says she wants her love to be like that in The Notebook.

Come to think about it my life should be like the first half of Click where I’d fast forward through arguments and wife’s friend coming over for breakfast. So my wife and I end up in therapy for a year? Big deal.

Never seen The Notebook so she gave me the Cliff Notes version. Some dude (Ryan Gosling) meets a chick (Rachel McAdams) who’s outta his league. They fall in love and he promises to write her for a year and does….(yup, as if that’d happen in real life. See above for problems I encountered performing a less arduous feat). Anyways the long and short of it is it’s a great romantic movie that makes all girls cry. My mate said she wants the love that exists between her and the dude she ends up with to replicate that in the movie. Man, that dude sure has his work cut out. Ha.

Maybe I’d find some time to seriously talk to Kinzo about how he knew Debby was the one for him. Reminds me of a mate in the UK who had been dating his girlfriend for years. ‘Cos they both real religious dude went to a secluded location for 3 days fasting and praying asking God if he’d ask his girlfriend to marry him. Apparently, he got an okay ‘cos he asked her and she said yes. A year later they break up and he’s now married to someone else. And y’all wonder why I am confused?

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Went to see mate that just had a kid and discovered something new about giving birth. Y’all ready? Guys, hold onto ur hats. Seems women gotta take dumps while contracting b4 having the baby. Yup, they s%$t on themselves while doing those breathing exercises…and nurses gotta wipe that off. So to y’all out there who are seeing shrinks ‘cos ur folks called u names such as, That piece of s%$t, in a moment of anger, just know they weren’t being mean, just honest.

PPS
I’m gonna rent The Notebook to see what the fuss is about. If I shed a tear at the end of the movie then….like I’d tell y’all.

PPPS
Congratulations are in order for the Iraq footie team after winning the Asian Cup for the first time in their history. If only that could unite the country. Man, what a way to live.