No all star cast, no scripts, no budgets in the soundtrack of my life……

Hola peeps. Deseo que podría hablar francés.

It’s a bittersweet day today ‘cos I leave my post as A.D.S. on the R.I.G. for another assignment. Not sure what new position entails but I’m sure I’m gonna make a positive impression there like I did here. Hey, I’m like The Littlest Hobo just doing my bit to make the world a better place by erm, teaching people to dance.

To y’all young ‘uns out there The Littlest Hobo was a TV show about some Alsatian that went about helping folk and…..come to think of it, can’t quite remember any episode as was quite young then. However, it had a kick ass theme song: Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend /
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again / Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down / Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on. Man, I’d have that as a ring tone for mates who keep trying the hookup thang. Ha.

Not to worry, been on the R.I.G. for past 2 weeks so no new hookup news. Phew. Now all I gotta do when I get to PH is pack, chill for a night. Then it’s off to Lagos and then to the airport. I’ll sneak outta the country so fast even corrupt Nigerian ex-governors would be envious. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Hey, it was an easy joke, I didn’t even have to strain a li’l grey cell.

R.I.G. news: This being last tour on R.I.G. for a while, been in a particular reminiscent mood, so didn’t mingle with folk as I normally do. However, there’s this one interesting thang. U know how I learn new stuff on every R.I.G. tour? Well, bumped into folk having a discussion on the recent foot-and-mouth outbreak in the UK, particularly, how much potential suya - that’s barbequed meat for y’all non-Nigerians – was being wasted.

Chief raconteur: U see the problem with these Westerners is they don’t cook their meet properly. Bring that meat to me and after I’m done boiling and roasting it all that’d be left will be bones and more bones. Foot and mouth my arse!

Listener 1: C’mon that ain’t right. U dunno what u talking about, the cattle really have diseases. Okay, what of bird flu, wanna say that disease is made up as well?

Chief raconteur: Sharrap my friend!

Listener 1: I am not ur friend, my friend! I am just stating fact.

Chief raconteur: Which kain yeye fact? I’m glad u mentioned bird flu. U see ur problem is u’ve never been outta the country so all u know about white folk is what u watch on TV. I remember when I went to see my sister in Scotland, all the oyibos were saying is, “I have the flu, innit. Flu, innit.” They too dey panic. What we call cold here is what they refer to as the flu. Same with bird flu. Their climate is too cold for poultry, that’s why. Ever heard of Nigerian chickens having bird flu before the Westerners harped on about it? Exactly.

Lol…man, I am gonna miss this place.

PH news: As y’all have no doubt read/heard PH has been like the Wild West in the past two weeks. Thank goodness the madness seems to have subsided. Called a mate from the R.I.G. earlier in the week and she joked that meteorologists on local stations have scrapped weather forecasts in place of bullet forecasts. …And today we expect light showers of AK-47 bullets around G.R.A. and a heavy downpour of shotgun bullets (projected from okadas) around the Aba road region…

In all seriousness we need prayers for this place and for Nigeria as a whole. As a colleague stated, “What kinda government do we have in place that will let sporadic shooting like this go on? U know the funniest thang, most of the shootings are close to the Government House so ain’t no way the Governor claims not to know what’s going on.” Thank goodness Yar’Adua is listening to folk. Dude dispatched both the Police Chief and the Chief of Defence Staff to PH until the crisis abates. We keep hearing that the government knows where these militants are, but has chosen to dialogue with them instead. Want my idea on how to quell this issue and make the world take notice…as well as create humorous newspaper headlines in the process? Government forces kidnap mother of militant leader. Demand $50m ransom. Threaten to go after families of other militants.

Apropos a fellow dance instructor came across this website and thot it would be useful to all light-skinned folk residing in the Niger Delta region. Y’all lemme know if u find it expedient.

Political news: Things not looking too great for my man Obama as most polls still have him trailing Hillary Clinton as the Democrats presidential hopeful in 2008. Rudolph Gulliani (a man clearly having his own troubles – not only do his kids not wanna join him on the campaign trail, his daughter is alleged to be a potential Obama supporter) insists if Hillary wins the nomination of her party she’d select Obama as a running mate ‘cos his impact is “undeniable”. Hey, it could work.

On the Republican side good ol’ Karl Rove has decided to quit his role as “Bush’s brain” at the end of August this year. He’ll be dearly missed by Bush and, erm, erm, I’ll have to get back to u on that one. Meanwhile, former Law & Order DA Fred Thompson still hasn’t declared his intention to run for the White House but is running second in polls behind Gulliani for the Republican ticket. That must surely irk folk like John McCain who’s slowly becoming irrelevant. Guess that’s what happens when u try, try, and try again. Folk just tire of u. U can call it the Buhari corollary.

Nice way to segue to the local scene. Electoral tribunals are still ongoing and no one has a clue what’s happening. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. One thing I don’t get about politicians is how they’d diss each other like crazy one minute and after the election is over become running mates. Was it all a farce, or is it that they’ll do anything to climb to power? Well, that happens elsewhere but not in good ol’ Naija where we still read reports of how one politician or the other escaped assassination. Man, it shouldn’t be a live or die affair, should it?

Another farce is the current wave sweeping the Nigerian nation: asset declaration. Man, folk coming up with crazy sums of money as “assets”. Some of these folk were broke ass punks b4 they became governors and now they expect me to genuflect at the altar of so-called transparency? Bollocks. If we had ways to genuinely qualify their declarations, before and after they leave office, then I’ll be happier than Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. Until then I’m gonna do a Britney and shave off my hair in protest right now. Okay, not much of a sacrifice since I usually have a clean shaven pate, but I didn’t plan to shave ‘til tomorrow so it kinda is…kinda.

Relationship news: Not mine, b4 y’all get all excited. Anyways, remember the mantra of all old school romantics? If u love someone let them go if they back to u it’s meant to be? Recent encounters have revealed new school romantics don’t buy that any more. They have slightly tweaked it to, If u love someone let them go if they come back……u fool. U damn fool! They ain’t ever coming back. Do u know how many lonely men and women there are out there? If u love ur beau hold on to him tight. Hold on to him so tight u’d squeeze the life outta him. Lol….but it’s true though. Look I’m not asking y’all to be desperate in order to keep ur partner. Just act natural like u’d normally do, and if desperate comes naturally to u then flaunt ur desperation baby. In the past few weeks the ff happened.

I park in a mate’s driveway just as he’s walking some girl to her car. I go over to say hi and heard the weirdest thang.

Girl: It was nice hanging out, please call me.
Mate: Er, sure. I’ll try.
Tunde (*feeling incredulous*): Lol…babe, come on. U not a bad looking girl u don’t need to remind this guy to call u.
Girl: Whatever short stuff. (She then looks at my mate) Please, please, please call me.

If that’s not bad enough mate who was engaged to a guy for near on a year and wasn’t ready for marriage called last week to tell me they just wedded at the registry. When I asked why she changed her mind, she replied, “I attended a wedding with a friend and one of those paparazzi who stalk weddings took a photograph. Later looked at pic and realized my friend, who has 3 kids by the way, looked svelter than I. I decided then to get hitched ‘cos if my husband had seen the pic he might think twice about marrying me.”

Sad, but true. Seems folk losing all self esteem in bid not to end up alone. It’s easier on guys ‘cos we’re used to doing the chasing, but women…let’s just say it’s refreshing to see women growing a pair nowadays. If u like a guy go on tell him, what’s the worst that could happen? Let’s see, he’d laugh at u like Nelson from The Simpsons, and insist if u were the last woman on earth he’d not give u the time of day, and inform everyone u know about his rejection of u, and…..okay, where did that come from? Woosah…woosah…woosah.

Okay, just remember one hookup event that happened b4 I left PH. A high school buddy’s sister said her mate – I had seen them at some new hangout spot in PH – would like to meet up when I’m off the R.I.G. Couldn’t remember much about the chick, but recall I acted like Little Red Riding Hood when I was introduced: “My, what long nose hairs u got!”

Okay, another one. It’s a good thang guys are versed in thinking up ways to chat up women ‘cos even though we embarrass ourselves most times we do come up with beautiful gems now and then. Always replayed some of the things I have done/said and crack myself up. Always wondered what it’d be like to go back and gauge the thoughts of the girl/victim while I was spewing rubbish. Well, I kinda got my wish recently. I had seen this chick at the club and would smile and say hello, being the nice guy I am. I’d also flash Ab Fab at her, again being the nice guy I am. Well, after what seemed like weeks of researching ways to get my attention she finally came out with, “Hi. My name is Miss X and noticed u around the club. Erm, erm, always wanted to ask, are u sure u Muslim? U are not? Why do u keep ur goatee so long then?” I nearly cracked up. I politely explained to her that sometimes I don’t even have a goatee. Since I can’t do nada with hair on head anymore – was actually born bald and once, back in high school, when I made an attempt at Bobby Brown’s hairstyle from My Prerogative days I got nicknamed Bobby Skin - I have become a veritable DaVinci with my facial hair. That seemed to have satiated her for a while. Then the other week she came up with this gem, “Why do guys wear pinky rings?”

Tunde news: Since I have loadsa time on my hands on the R.I.G. been thinking seriously about writing a book. Don’t have a subject yet, but think the first step is get a good title; u know something that grabs the average book browser – u cheap ass folk who walk around Barnes & Noble flipping thru pages of books yet buying nada – by the neck and refuses to let them go. First title thot of was, No (Hair) Strand Left Behind: A tale of bravery, courage, and one man’s quest to achieve the ultimate bald look, but didn’t think it would appeal to hirsutulous folk. Then there’s always the tried and tested attention grabber, Ultimate Nudity, but that’d get me banned in some parts of Nigeria and goodness knows I want as many readers/potential voters as possible. Think might settle for something that conveys gravitas like The Testament. Yup, that works. Religious folk and John Grisham worshippers would flock to purchase it. I can even picture the hardback cover…..red background with giant black font. Might even change my name by deed poll to Tunde GRISHAM, with the words GRISHAM covering most of the, er, cover so from afar folk think Mr. Grisham has re-issued another one of his formulaic legal thrillers. Yup, this could work. Okay, so still haven’t come up with premise of story I wanna tell, but having a title is a start, right? Right?

Unlike the book TV show concept ideas keeping flooding my head ad infinitum. As at last count I had been to some dude who has links to secure programming for the dominant cable company in Africa, an upstart cable company in Nigeria, and a production company. None were forthcoming with definite answers, but the third offered a spot on some show they piloting but haven’t spent much time in Lagos since so couldn’t pursue it.

Since y’all have been so caring I’ve decided to give u a sneak peek on what might should must appear on ur TV screens in the near future…..I hope. The folk I discussed the concept with were a wee bit hesitant ‘cos wanted to talk about the goings-on in government, albeit from a humorous point of view – hey, make the people laugh and once their mouths are open sneak in a good helping of truth, right? Can’t say I blame them though, considering that two prominent journalists were arrested by the Obasanjo government for daring to contest the veracity of a statement issued by the presidency about the then “new” presidential jet. However, this is blogsville so in the accent of Pepe Le Peu I say, Viva La Resistance!

Concept of TV show is kinda like a Daily Show With Jon Stewart meets Dave Chappelle Show meets Have I Got News For You meets The Wonder Years meets Spitting Images meets Da Ali Gee Show meets Seinfeld meets The Flip Wilson Show meets Talk Soup meets Candid Camera. Got y’all confused? Yup, so am I.

All I am hoping to get outta this is if I get physically attacked – seeing as our leaders don’t have a sense of humour – the face and Ab Fab remain untouched. Lol..man, cannot remember the last time I got into a fight. Remember agitating for some fisticuffs when I first moved to the UK. So I’m going to Bradford, huh? Not too many blacks over there I hear. Cool. Hopefully someone would mouth off the N word and we’d get into some gangsta ish.

Yes, maybe I had listened to way too many CDs from the Deathrow label by then. Now I am older and mellower, or maybe just scared to mess up my manicured fingernails. Come to think of it back then when I was wired like crazy I had more hair on my head. Hmm, maybe I’d start looking for someone to engage in a fight if I wanna achieve my childhood dream of growing an afro like that dude in Boney M. Y’all old cats out there MUST remember Boney M! As a kid always thot the dude in Boney M was the coolest cat alive. Dude had the most wicked baritone, could do splits, had those gorgeous lead singers, wore those tight muscle shirts before Lenny Kravitz caught on to the idea, and most of all had a tight afro. Can just hear him singing now: She’s crazy like a fool / What about it Daddy Cool? / Daddy, Daddy Cool….

Okay where was I? Yeah, the TV show, right. So why would u wanna watch my show, what with all the reality shows on TV? Lemme count the ways:
a. Moi. Yup, no one else but The Fresh Prince of Bradford is qualified to host the show. U know what the problem is with most TV hosts? They try to act all cheery and stuff. It’s all fake. Just like on news reports where they pan to a reporter narrating a story and she’s walking while talking/reporting. How fake. Mate of mine once hosted a game show and she was asked to express “more excitement” in order to convince the audience at home that she’s really enjoying herself. Who gives a hoot really? When I am hosting a show if I’d been in crazy traffic on way to the studio I’d let y’all at home know. Y’all MUST feel my pain. I’m talking realest of the real. No cue cards here matey. If I am interviewing a guest and there’s no vibe I’d not be opposed to sending email on laptop while he/she is talking about one thing or the other. Sorry, go on talking about ur pet, don’t mind me while I clip my toenails while eating a sandwich.
b. Outfits. U haven’t seen me in a suit? One word: Amazing. In traditional attire? One word: Regal. In my underwear? One word…nah, it’s gonna take the vocabulary firm of Messrs Oxford, Chambers, Merriam-Websters and their thesauri to describe the world wide phenomenon that will be unleashed when the public finally gets a peek at Ab Fab. As an aside I’ll also be modelling the latest t-shirt designs from my clothing line Cojonez. Yup, I went with that name finally.
c. (Facial) Hairstyles. Since my head’s currently a hair-free zone I’d have a different facial hair for each weekly episode: Goatee, no goatee, beard with sideburns, beard with only left sideburns, beard with only right sideburns, soulpatch dyed blond, one strand of soulpatch dyed blond, etc. I know what u thinking, and the answers are yup and yup. Yup, I am a genius, and yup, I’m that hirsutulous on the face. If u think that’s bad u’d see my back. Wait a minute I just had an idea….
d. (Back) Hairstyles. Each week I’d design my hairy back after a map of a country where my featured guest would come from. With the help of my trusty back hair I’ll provide a geography lesson that everyone would remember. It’s my way of giving back (Geddit? Geddit? Aw forget yous) to society. Can’t wait for that call from the Nobel Peace Prize committee.

I would also have segments such as:

1. Questions that always bothered Tunde. For instance,
a. Who would win in a game of scrabble between Chris Okotie, Wole Soyinka and Femi Fani-Kayode?
b. Does Ciara dance all the time? Can imagine dating her and getting into an argument. Can just imagine her saying, “Honey, I know I hurt u and u want an explanation on why I did what I did, but I think it’s best I express what I’m trying to say in dance….See this dance move where I jump up and down like a monkey on crack while my hands are held across my chest? It means u broke my heart when u went to the zoo without me….See this move where my back is to the wall and I’m moving my crotch from side to side? It means I have to go to the loo….”
c. How come I never hear of robbers robbing other robbers on way back from a night of robbery? Is there a union or something?
d. Unlike Hollywood actresses why don’t Nollywood stars tell all and sundry when they are pregnant?
e. Why are there are no cool Nollywood action heroes? Maybe ‘cos our names are so long. Instead of My name is Bond. James Bond. We’d probably have My name is Maduegbunem. Chief (Dr.) Alhaji Olusegun Ibrahim Ekaete Maduegbunem. By the time the hero is done telling us his name half the movie is done.
f. Ooops, have I just given Nollywood directors another way to stretch their movies even longer?.

2. Tunde’s Movie review. In this segment instead of doing the usual Siskel and Roeper Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down schtick I’d look at what the average Nigerian movie lover cares about: where best to cop bootleg DVDs that are crystal clear.

3. Tunde’s Crazy Ideas That Might Just Work. Lagosians are quintessentially trendy folk who don’t mind splashing out for the latest, er, trends. So how about starting a restaurant where only left over food is served…and u charge folk like crazy for it?

4. Tunde’s Entertainment Update. Here, all stories revolve around Angelina Jolie. Today, Michael Jackson filed for sole custody of Bubbles. In a related story, Angelina Jolie is still fabulous and has no plans to adopt Bubbles..

5. Tunde’s Political Update. Serious political matters shall be discussed in this segment. The gubernatorial candidate for X state just unveiled his poster. As u can see dude is cross-eyed. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I ask u my fellow Nigerians, do we wanna trust a guy with….wait for it…..shifty eyes? If his eyes are shifty can’t his principles be shifty as well? Lol…man, I kill myself. Okay, on to other news…

Woah, this is some long ass blog. Time to say goodbye to my R.I.G. bench press. Tot ziens and God bless.


PS
Still can’t get Daddy Cool outta my head. Boney M was the ish. They were like the black ABBA. The dude in the band not only influenced Lenny Kravitz’s dress sense I’m sure his scattered leg dance moves influenced everyone from Jamiroquai’s Jay Kay to my fellow baldie Ne-Yo. VH1 should do one of those Where Are They Now? features on Boney M. Screw it, I’m gonna research them and make them first guests on TV show.

PPS
That GRISHAM cover idea came from a friend in high school. This dude could tell tales, and I mean real long tales. Said he saw an album by Marlon Jackson that had the words JACKSON is crazy large, Vegas-style font, and Marlon is teeny weeny font that was barely legible. He went on to describe the album sleeve: Latest album by Marlon Jackson, brother of Michael Jackson. Yes, the same Michael Jackson who’s regarded as the world’s greatest musical genius. Yes, same multi-platinum selling Michael Jackson who gave us such timeless classics like Thriller, Beat It…..

PPPS
Today shall forever live in infamy. Checked out Boney M on wikipedia and discovered my childhood hero’s name is Bobby Farrell, and dude didn’t even do the singing. Turns out Boney M was a forerunner to Milli Vanilli. Cannot even be sure if the Afro wasn’t a wig. Man, what a let down. First Santa Claus, then the Tooth Fairy, and now Boney M. Was anything about my childhood real? Have u seen my childhood?/….