My life as a married man

Hola peeps. Usted puede besar a la novia. Mwuuuaahhh. Yes, y’all read the title right. Phone conversations with family this week – obviously I was the one that called – have led me to think about marriage more than ever. Called my bro-in-law just to shoot the breeze and first thang he said was, “Hmmm, so Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, who we ordering flowers for this time?” As if that wasn’t bad enuff I hollered at my sis-in-law and she repeated a similar line, “Na wa o. U are so predictable, so predictable. U are calling me ‘cos Val’s Day is 11 days away abi? So what address do u wanna send the gift to?” Ouch. With relatives like these who needs Nollywood wicked stepmothers? See what I mean when I say married folk always look down on us single folk?

In order to get outta that I-don’t-have-a-life-partner-yet funk I called my recently married sis to find out how she’s keeping. When I asked about her husband she replied, “We are doing great”. Not “he is doing great”, but “WE are doing great.” After I got off the phone I longed to be referred to as WE as well. That mushy feeling disappeared about 3 seconds, but those wee (geddit? geddit? Aww forget yous) seconds left a lasting impression. Last time I felt this way was when some chick I was chilling with got a call from her boyfriend and she referred to him as “baby”. I thought, I know she’s cheating on her boyfriend with me, but I’d love if it was me she called “baby”. That particular feeling vanished after 2 seconds; see, I’m getting more emotional by the…..wait for it…..second. Lol…man, I kill myself.

So where was I? Yes, the M word. After thinking long and hard I finally realised two things: 1. I am ready for marriage; 2. I am not in the least bit ready for marriage. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Reasons why I think I’m ready for marriage:

a. I have got a crib that still needs furnishing (a woman’s touch, perhaps?).
b. I have a decent ride.
c. I love kids.
d. I suddenly have the urge to settle matters with long lost exes.
e. I love buying presents for the opposite sex.

Reasons why I know I am not ready for marriage:

a. Friends who are soon-to-be-married have marriage-ready cribs, i.e. they have dining tables, leather chairs, coffee tables, cookers, etc in their cribs. Moi? Just bought a microwave and a flask so I’d go round aforementioned folks’ cribs to get cooked food which I can heat up in my microwave and consume while sitting on my bed in torn boxer shorts.
b. Friends who are soon-to-be-married have purchased new rides with families in mind. Moi? Recently got my old ride – yes, the one from those past blog entries that gave me so much trouble – pimped out (new engine, new paint job, hydraulics on wheels, STUD007 license plate number) and delivered to PH. I have christened her Parminder.
c. Friends who are soon-to-be-married are thinking up baby names. Moi? I pester same folk to name me godfather of their yet unborn brood so I can feel some sense of responsibility.
d. Friends who are soon-to-be-married call up exes to inform them of impending nuptials in the hope of resolving past issues. Moi? Got in touch with a few long-lost exes last week and discovered most are married with kids. Only regret I had was not calling sooner ‘cos discovered an ex’s fine as heck cousin that I’d a huggggeeeee crush on is now married with 2 kids. Man, I’da acted a few years sooner. If that ain’t bad enuff I still can’t get over my crush on an in-law who’s married with 5 kids. What’s wrong with me?!!!!!
e. Friends who are soon-to-be-married get calls from travel agents enquiring as to their choice honeymoon destination. Moi? (And I promise y’all this is totally true) It’s 1708 hrs on February 4th 2007 and I just received a call from some lady who said, “Hi. I dunno if u remember me, but my name’s __________ and I was the one that arranged ur Val’s Day present last year. U interested in a similar service this year?” Lol…..man, this is crazy eerie. Probably shoulda replied, “Er, hmmmm, lemme think about it for a minute. Soon after I signed up for ur service I broke up with my girlfriend. U actually think I wanna risk it this time? U do know I plan to send my mom a Val’s present this year, right? Can u guarantee that a few months from now my mom won’t stop speaking to me?”

As if the pressure of buying new shirts and ties every 3 months, ‘cos I’m on some groom’s train or the other, is not bad enuff Chief constantly reminds me that he hopes to have two of his kids get hitched this year, and since that punk Ayo’s still hiding in the UK I’m the defacto next in line after Kinzo. Hear him, “Akin’s getting married in September, I have no problem with u getting hitched in December. Serious. Think about it.” Lately he’s been ending all our conversations with Serious. Think about it, almost as if there’s a threat implied. If u seriously don’t think about it then I’m gonna be forced to get u drunk and marry u off to a friend’s ugly ass daughter.

Can’t blame the dude though he said he’s always envisioned all his kids getting hitched by the time he’s 70. Dude’s gonna be 68 this year and he’s got 5 single kids left, so he’s got no choice but to get 2-3 kids off and married annually if he’s to accomplish his vision. Sincerely hoping Ayo agrees to marry Temmy Tayo so that can gimme some breathing space of at least a year. C’mon Ayo, u know Temmy Tayo’s perfect for u. Okay, she doesn’t have a British passport, but love can conquer all of that. Imagine how much fun y’all would have queuing up at the British High Commission together. Y’all could even celebrate Val’s Day there. Now that’s a radically cheap way to go, dontcha think?

So what are my plans for February 14th, the second anniversary of my return to this great country of ours? Well, the club’s sending me on an impromptu course to Warri. Can u feel the joy as I type the words? Lol….at least it’ll make a change from PH where petrol scarcity is the leitmotif. And y’all wonder why this place gets to me?

(Hey, if y’all are wondering what to do for Val’s day, why don’t y’all come to PH and queue for petrol? Guys, any girl that chooses to stay with u after spending 8 hours on a petrol queue as a “date” deserves to be the mother of ur kids.)

PH news: Yes, back from the R.I.G. and kinda loving my crib. Spent Sunday spring cleaning. Well, it’s not exactly spring but u know what I mean. Didn’t realise the place is so huge. Maybe it’s time I got someone to help out now and then so I can work on painting an Angelina Jolie-inspired mural in the blue room.

The crib’s slowly becoming the quintessential Casa de la Tunde, especially as my female roomate’s moved to more convenient digs. Do I miss her? Not in the least, I’m actually discovering more stuff about myself this way. For instance, I realized I’ve been a closet nudist all along. Peep this: The bathroom attached to the master bedroom doesn’t have a shower so I tend to use the one close to the blue room. ‘Cos I am in the crib alone I’ve discovered I love walking around the house naked with a towel draped over my shoulders, singing I am too sexy for my towel, too sexy for my clothes, too sexy by far…... To make matters worse I purchased a huge mirror for my room so now find myself spending at least 10 minutes after each shower admiring my six-pack. Did someone say narcissism? Nah, don’t think that someone can even pronounce the word. Lol….man, I’m on a roll today, huh?

By month end I’da copped a generator and some air conditioners and then it’d be bliss…….well, not exactly. U see I recently discovered the guy in the next apartment is named Sunny. How do I know this? ‘Cos Sunny had an argument with his wife yesterday and…….nah, scratch that. Sunny didn’t say peep while his wife went on and on and on and on for 2 hours non-stop raining abuses on him. The entire street could hear her, and this was 5pm in the evening. While staying with my mate upstairs Sunny’s wife has been known to interrupt my dreams of Angelina at 3am ranting on about something or the other. Yesterday I discovered the ff about Sunny:

1. He’s a “woman wrapper”
2. His wife was responsible for their newly acquired generator
3. If his wife hadn’t been the superwoman she is the family woulda been homeless a long time ago

If statements 2 and 3 are true I now understand why some guys are scared to date/marry women that earn more than they do. U know the saddest thang about all this? The couple has 2 teenage kids that live with them. One’s gotta wonder at what point this lady changed ‘cos I’m sure Sunny wouldn’t have married her if she exhibited such signs while they were dating. It’s funny ‘cos while she was telling the entire world their business Babyface’s How Come, How Long kept humming in my head. I’m sure Sunny’s a hard ass boss at work ‘cos he can’t do squat at home. Shame, Sunny’s balls must now be the size of atoms if he’s had to endure such an earful during 10+ years of marriage.

‘Cos I couldn’t cope with Cher’s (geddit? Sonny and Cher? Awww, forget yous) raving I left the house with my mate, yeah the pernickety one. In the car was a female he later introduced as his girlfriend. Yup, dude’s finally decided to settle on a chick…..who just happens to be someone’s he’s dated before. Guess he’s been around the world and Aiiiiiiiii……. While driving we traded stories on petrol queues. Turns out he’s discovered a place that has no queues but sells petrol at twice the RRP. Moi? I’d spent most of the day either stuck in traffic caused by petrol queues and stuck in petrol queues. After 5 hours I had nada to show for my efforts, but a darker hue and a 2 kg weight loss, both as a result of the sweltering heat. Man, it was so bad I found myself flirting with female pump attendants. As I was wearing a sleeveless top I’d flex my biceps, lick my lips and enquire as to the fuel status.

Tunde: Baby hold on. Hi. I see u guys aren’t selling petrol yet. Are u expecting any supplies later today?
Pump attendant (*batting her eyelids and being generally coy*): Yes, sir. We hope to get some by 5pm today.
Tunde: Nah, don’t call me sir o. My name’s Tunde. Er, so, can I call u later to find out if u’ve received any product? I can? Cool. Man, I love ur hairstyle. Er, I don’t have my phone on me. Is it okay if I give u my number?
Pump attendant: Sure, Tunde. Just enter it in my state-of-the-art phone.

Man, y’all shoulda seen this chick’s phone. Who woulda thunk pump attendants could afford such? Maybe it’s her prize for being Employee Of The MonthDuration Of Petrol Scarcity. Ha.

After repeating the same lecherous lines at two other petrol stations I went home and ran straight for the showers. Man, I felt so dirty. While admiring my six-pack in the mirror my mind went back to the last time I felt so unclean. It was March 2005 at the NYSC camp. I flirted with every chick possible ‘cos wasn’t sure who’d help in engineering an escape from that joint. Flirted with the Camp Director’s PA, the bank representatives, the ladies at the fast food joints, the female security guard at the fast food joints, the sole Man O’ War chick (who flashed/beeped me yesterday), female corpers that seemed to have a handle on thangs, and most ashamedly, an effete soldier who asked me to promise to be his friend forever. The things one has to go through, huh? Ha.

As I type this there’s no power – same ol’ PH – and though it’s sad to say I’m getting used to it. Even when I cop that generator I’m only gonna turn it at 3am so I can pay Cher back for all she’s done for me. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Quick one: Er, what’s proper etiquette when someone’s talking to u and their spittle settles on ur lower lip? I ask ‘cos…well, u don’t need to know, just tell me what to do. Do u smile and nod, and once the spitter (if that’s a word) looks away wipe ur lips with a scouring sponge? Reminds me of this chick back at boarding school. Folk used to say if one speaks to her one’d need a face mask (to curb her halitosis) and an umbrella (to stop clothes getting wet with her spittle). Ah, good times.

PPS
In the Chinese calendar 2007 is known as the Year of the Black. First a black F1 driver, and now two black coaches in the Super Bowl (Go Colts!).

PPPS
Y’all thought I was joking when I said peeps try to be first at everything? Each of the US Democratric presidential candidates wants to be the 1st of a kind: 1st black president (Barack Obama), or 1st Hispanic president (Bill Richardson), or 1st female president (Hillary Clinton). All we need now is a gay, transvestite candidate and we’da come full circle.

PPPPS
While on R.I.G. all I saw on Sky News was hoopla generated by contretemps on UK Celebrity Big Brother (BB). Every reality show ex-contestant with no discernable source of income has come outta the woodwork to comment on it. Even an ex-Big Brother psychologist – yes, surprised there’s such a position. Was he fired by BB producers so bears a grudge? Did he used to treat folk addicted to BB? What, what exactly does an ex-BB psychologist do?! – said show’s not based on reality as peeps are put in house based on clashing personalities. Duh! That Jade Goody chick musta said something bad ‘cos folk in India were so upset Tony Blair and Gordon Brown (both of whom admit not to even watch the crap show) were forced to make comments about it. All in all I have never seen so many Asian folk have this much TV face time since Prince Nassem was still boxing. Yeah, I know he’s actually Yemeni but tell that to Asian mates from Bradford who adopted him like a brother. Ha.
I think folk are missing the big picture here. What we really should be concerned about is the process by which celebrities are recruited to appear on such drivel. Goodness knows if this was filmed I’d watch it. “Look Jermaine Jackson, I know the last TV appearance u had was with ur bro in the court house, and even he has stopped accepting ur calls. Come on our show and not only will we give u TV exposure and possibly a chance to revive ur singing career by reissuing old releases (see Andre, Peter) we’d also pay u minimum wage and give u 3 meals a day.”
The king of this celeb reality show crap seems to be Vanilla Ice. Dude’s appeared on reality shows on both sides of the Atlantic. Back in the UK saw Robert van Winkle (aka Vanilla) rapping (while cutting onions), I slice and dice like a knife/ Take ur life…... Sure, sure Vanilla, I’m real scared.

PPPPPS (last one I promise)
Did y’all hear about the crazy weather patterns in Europe? When my sis told me about falling trees and the like in the UK the thought that crossed my mind was, “Hmmm, wouldn’t it be ace to destroy an annoying neighbour’s property and then lay a branch from a fallen tree on it and blame it on crazy weather patterns? Lol…who’d know?” I think I might need help ‘cos my mind wandered along same trajectory during those Virginia-D.C. sniper shootings in 2002. “Wouldn’t it be perfect to trail ur annoying neighbour to a petrol station and then fire shots at her car? Everyone would blame it on the sniper, right?”