If u got oral problems I feel bad for u son, I’ve got 99 problems but big lips ain’t one

Hola peeps. Día de los valentine felices. Today’s therapy day. Called someone I’ve known for ages, and refer to as my “small wife”, well small wife’s now 26 and just ended things with her on-off boyfriend of 4 years. Actually he ended things and she’s heartbroken. Going thru that phase where she regards all men as pigs and doubts if she’ll ever meet anyone that comes close to him. Spent about 30 minutes trying to cheer her up and don’t think I was much help. Told her the trite, but true, line that things would get better and all that. Man, she was hurting like crazy and even issued the line about all her mates getting married and she not even being in a relationship. It’s at times like these one wonders what guys are looking for. I mean she’s cute, smart…..hold on I am not in a relationship with her so don’t know dude’s reasons for ending things. Reminds me of what Christian Troy (xter in Nip/Tuck) said, “For every woman u think is perfect there’s some dude tired of her”. Of course I didn’t try to cheer small wifey up with that line, b4 y’all ask. Man, just wish I’d take away some of her pain.

As fate would have it called a former colleague I usually tease about going out with me, and asked, “so have u left ur boyfriend yet?” and expected to hear the usual, “Lol…oh Tunde, when will u learn?” Instead she tells me dude’s left her and is seeing someone else less than 3 weeks after they broke up. Ooops. Like a woman seeking revenge she asked, “so what WE doing for Val’s day?” “Er, er, well, I’ll be on the R.I.G. and….oh is that the time?”

Last week I received the following text message: Will u marry me? I know I am not perfect and have many flaws… I don’t know why, but found myself sweating profusely. Then I thought, Man, but I am not this close with this chick. She’s li’l more than an acquaintance. Damn, I can’t remember flirting with her or teasing her about marriage. O boy, maybe this is payback for teasing Ayo about Temmy Tayo. How do I tell this chick my flaws and her flaws, whatever they are, would make us incompatible? And WHY AM I SWEATING?! Am I that scared of a proposal? Wuss!! Received another text message soon after apologising for the mix up. Phew! Called her last week to enquire if the intended messagee (I know it’s not a word but don’t y’all just love the way it sounds/reads?) had responded to her proposal. She said dude hasn’t returned her calls since, but doesn’t regret sending text as she knows the status of her relationship “especially now that Val’s day is coming along.”

Don’t get what it is about this time of the year that makes women think of putting their relationship to the test? Wouldn’t it be so romantic if he proposed to me on Valentine’s day? Wouldn’t it be ace if he got me a present better than all my colleagues’ put together? He’d better send a huge bouquet of flowers to the office so everyone’d be envious or else…… What makes breakups real bad around this time is the good folk at Hallmark cards have convinced women around the world that February 14th is on par with birthdays and anniversaries. Lol…..y’all can tell I’m looking for a way outta buying a Val’s Day present, huh? Hey, maybe that’s why those dudes broke up with their girlfriends! The pressure of buying the perfect gift musta got to them……..as if. Do I think I’m back in secondary school where guys find ingenious ways to break up with girlfriends before Val’s day? Come to think of it my most memorable Val’s day was in my final year of high school. Hey, thought u said u never dated anyone ‘til u got to university? Yeah, u right. What happened was……..(this is where, if this was a TV show, the screen would go all loopy to signal the commencement of a dream sequence. Who’s the punk that thot about that invention, I wonder?)

A few of us guys were bored when someone came up with the idea of giving a “present” to some chick who felt like the sun shone outta her arse. Come to think of it I can’t remember what her crime was. Probably turned down one of the guys and dude found a way to convince the rest of us she was Jezebel incarnate. Back then chicks had a thang for Danish cookies and teddy bears so someone bought a tin of Danish cookies and we ate it all. We replaced the cookies with beans, sealed the lid and left it under a locker for 2 days. On the morning of February 14th 1992 I opened the tin, dropped some of my finest morning doodle in it – I had coincidentally eaten beans the night before - someone taped it up nice, another put some fancy wrapping paper on it, I sprayed some of my expensive cologne on the “present” and handed it off to another mate.

I tell y’all it was like a murder mystery, a different person per task so we all equal accomplices. By noon while opening the present she was reported – couldn’t watch ‘cos was afraid I’d crack up and give myself away – to have said, “Na wa, this wrapping is taking forever to untie…” before receiving the surprise of her life. Ah good times, good times.

Though had some trying times in high school most memories were as fun as that above. Stuff that never fails to bring a smile to my face is some dude called Gabriel who liked to tell long tales and had the funniest sound effect ever. “So the thief came into my house and slammed the door gbaraorao and my father hit him gbaraorao and the car screeched to a halt gbaraorao….” Throughout time spent in school I’d never get him to explain the origin of gbaraorao.

Another teller of tales was slicker. Dude loved movies so much he’d watch trailers of movies and tell u he’d seen them. Problem is he always gave himself away…….easily. “So dude, u seen that old movie The Great Escape? I hear it was real good, how did u find it?” It was a GREAT movie. “How about Life Is Beautiful?” BEAUTIFUL movie. “Rocky V?” A ROCK of a movie, the best one yet. Lol…..I hear dude’s a journalist now. Wouldn’t u just love to read his critique of movies? Man, if wishes came true…….

PH news: Funniest sight in PH yet was observed last weekend. Saw folk putting up posters of a gubernatorial candidate who’d been disqualified from seeking that office 2 weeks before. Either they’d not heard the news or had to dispose of his posters somehow and the trash cans were full. Only in PH.

Did I tell y’all how much I’m enjoying this nudist phase of my life? Boy, if I had known it was this fun I’da moved into my apartment ages ago. I am still not as comfortable as a mate of mine who enjoys sleeping naked – she’s reading this and knows herself – but walking around naked is da bomb. Previously, it used to be only after having a shower, but now after descending from the white throne I walk around the crib and plan the layout for the new home theatre system I recently purchased.

Speaking of taking a dump, did I tell y’all how much I enjoy that as well? Probably one of the best things God invented. I’ve been mounting the white throne a lot in past 4 days ‘cos I have the runs – since I had boli and fish Wednesday evening – and, okay this may gross some of y’all out, I find myself analysing my doodle just before I flush. Hey, if Sly Stallone’s loony mom can claim to tell one’s future by analysing one’s bum print the least I can do is admire my Picasso in the white bowl. Lol….maybe it’s the Japanese side of me – a friend who lives in Tokyo says the Japanese are so freaky they have machines that vend soiled underwear. Konishiwa that my blogger friends.

Most memorable dump was one that took so long to come out I nearly developed an aneurysm from the strain. I musta been on the loo for at least 15 minutes without nada coming out. I huffed and puffed and blew the house down but doodle refused to budge. Eventually I pushed real hard – think I understood then what women go thru in child birth – and the pressure was so intense it forced the poo from my butt straight down the toilet bowl into the sewer. I kid thee not, I didn’t have to flush. If it hadn’t been for the skid marks it left on the sides of the bog bowl I’d not have known any stuff came out. I was in shock for 3 minutes afterwards. Wasn’t sure what to do. Do I clean my arse with bog roll? No, no bog roll could be worthy enuff to touch my butt after what I just experienced. Do I use a bidet? What do I do? The experience was almost surreal.

Okay, I’m sorry if I grossed u out, but since this is the season for giving (gifts) decided to share some of my precious memories with y’all. Okay, y’all more comfortable with my nudist stories? Cool. Like I was saying u haven’t lived ‘til u’ve had a bowl of cereal in the nude……..while killing centipedes.

Yup, I no longer have problems with the roaches – that’s what fumigating one’s crib does – but noticed PH has a centipede epidemic. Hey, don’t get me wrong I’d much rather kill these creepy crawlies than those flying vermin, but still I’d appreciate if the centipedes wouldn’t bug (geddit? geddit? Awww, forget yous) me at work. U don’t wanna know what it feels like to hoist oneself on a pole, flip upside down, look up and find a centipede smiling down at u. Yet another reason to detest PH.

Since last blog entry the good folk in PHCN decide to hold power for 5 days. Not even a blip, nada. Never experienced that in my life before. Day I decided to make an express order for a generator the folk decided to provide uninterrupted power for 12 hours. Never experienced such since I moved to PH. Since then power supply’s been regular. Guess it’s never too late to live up to campaign promises one made 8 years ago.

During the “black out” at my crib I was forced to explore PH and ‘cos mate, yes the pernickety one, had his girlfriend around (again) I had to ask folk for directions. Hey, before I go on I gotta tell u mate’s in love. Dude’s been introducing his girlfriend and his wife-to-be and chick’s quite cool and a heckuva cook, so she’s got my vote. So where was I? The other day I stopped to ask this chick with legs up to her neck for directions and they way she looked at me made me think of Positive K’s Carhoppers Remix. (Oooops, here comes the loopy remembrance/dream sequence effect again.)

Girl (dressed in tight jeans): Hey, are you Positive K?
Positive K: Yeah, u might say.
Girl: What u doing in my neighbourhood?
Positive K: What can I say, the flavour’s good. Nah, I’m just passing through.
Girl: Well, this is a question I’m asking u. Do u think we can get together?
Positive K: Did Run DMC make Tougher Than Leather? But wait a minte, do I know u from somewhere, or is there a reason u giving me that kinda stare?
Girl: Ooh baby, ur beemer is banging. Me and u need to be hanging.
Positive K: Well do the right thing and gimme ur number hon, and I’ll call u after I make this other one.
Girl: Nah, u’re probably married, or engaged with a child or two.
Positive K: Wait a minute, who? I won’t lie……

The gist of it is Positive K feels the chick’s stepping to him ‘cos of his fly ride. Moi? Do I think chick with giraffe legs woulda been all smiles if I asked for directions on an okada? U-huh. Anyways I felt obliged to ask her where she was heading to, I mean she offered directions after all. She said, “Anywhere u going is cool”, so I told her I didn’t have enuff petrol and sped off laffing my evil genius laff, Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Since then anytime the folk at PHCN mess up I take Parminder for a ride and pretend to offer chicks rides. My favourite response is, “Ooops, sorry the door on the passenger side doesn’t open. Would u mind getting in thru the window?” I know it’s a puerile way to behave, but it’s so much fun. Besides I gotta keep myself entertained ‘til my generator’s delivered. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Over the weekend I drove to Park N’ Shop to get a stabiliser changed and ended up losing my cool after they kept me waiting with all sorts of excuses for 2 hours. 2 friggin’ hours! Regret to say I threw a few F bombs – sorry Lord – and a mate joined in. Why does one have to raise one’s voice before one gets one’s way? Was so good to get my way I actually prayed I’d not crack up while still pretending to be angry. Mate was real mad though. He went off at some stranger who tried to placate us. “That’s the problem with this country. We keep settling for stuff while others run roughshod over us. Same problem with the Niger Delta….” Uh oh. We bringing the Niger Delta into this? How did we get from “give me a replacement stabiliser” to this. Lol….didn’t wanna stop my mate ‘cos he was on a roll. This incident reminds me of my first year at Bradford (hold on, where’s the loopy effect? Oh yeah, there it is) when I stayed in school accommodation. ‘Cos folk on my floor were always awake we’d go down to lower floors and nick food outta their fridge just for the heck of it. There was moi, mate Mohammed and 4 Asian dudes led by Nico “Bally Wagoo”. Anyways, one night while nicking stuff from C Floor - that housed mostly white folk - this dude Abbass (British Pakistani) uttered the unforgettable line, “They steal our countries, we steal their food.” Huh? U what? I thought we were just having fun, when did this turn into a political rally? Lol…I’m sure William Wallace couldn’t have said it better. “We want our F-R-E-E-D-O-M….but if we can’t get that, we wouldn’t mind some F-R-I-E-S.” Lol…

Family news: My sis got mugged last week right about same place I had ‘the incident’ that fateful night in 2005. This time however, it was 6.20am in the morning! Hey neighbour I am up early to go to work. How about u? “Moi? I am up this early to go rob some folk. I’ll be the one in the balaclava in case u don’t recognise my voice. See u soon.” While talking to my mom later that day she told me my sister’s mother-in-law also got mugged 2 weeks before, this after her daughter’s husband got shot by robbers and subsequently died. Crazy, huh? As it turned out dude driving behind my sister’s mother-in-law is a naval officer and he aided in arresting the robber. So they mosey on down to the nearest police station when they discover……this is the part in Nollywood movies where the sound technician (who also functions as the script writer, continuity man, assistant director and caterer) turns up the volume……robber’s actually a serving police officer who’da been on duty at another location. And u wonder why the PDP doesn’t trumpet this among the gains of democracy? Yet the government chastises CNN for salacious reporting on Nigeria? We all should be ashamed of ourselves, starting from the criminals ruling us. The punks.

I remember a newspaper Op-Ed piece I read over the Xmas break where dude chastised the current Inspector General of Police (IGP) to stop talking and act. “…I am tired of hearing him at press conferences warning thieves to cease their actions or he’ll be forced to deal with them. Stop issuing threats and act. How many banks have been robbed since your speeches? How many of ur officers have been killed? Yet all u do is talk and talk…” It’da been humorous if it wasn’t so true. Showed the article to Kinzo, who apart from being able to predict bra sizes correctly has an encyclopaedic knowledge of past IGPs, and dude agreed with the author of the piece. In fact dude rates the current IGP as the worst in his lifetime. And y’all wonder why we so religious in this country.

Was on the R.I.G. when Parminder was driven from Lagos. Driver spent almost 10,000 Naira tipping police for having totally legit documents. Ha. At some point an officer accused him of stealing the car, but let him go for 2,000 Naira. Frank Nweke, Jr. eat ur heart out.

Sports news: Just saw Arsenal beat Wigan and felt ashamed to be a Gooner. Dudes won by the skin of their teeth and they were happy?! Stupid captain Henry actually teased opposing keeper after Arsenal equalized, by an own goal no less. U wouldn’t find Stephen Gerrard doing that, but no the punk ass Vavavoom is happy with a draw. Man, maybe it’s time we sold him. That way I’d not have to see him and Adebayor do their stupid celebratory dance. Guys who deserved praise for their performances against Wigan are Clichy, Gilberto, and as usual Toure. The others? I have had doodle that looked better. Lehmann got his fifth yellow card of the season – a frigging goalkeeper!- for time wasting. How old’s the dude, 37? Can’t understand why he still acts so petulant. Fabregas is turning into a nasty player; Henry’s becoming a diver; Wenger needs a new track suit.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m typing this with no power and someone else’s generator humming in my ear that I am this pissed. Or maybe it’s ‘cos I gotta shop for a gift for Val’s day. Any suggestions?

Tot ziens and God bless.