What the beep is celadon?

Hola peeps. Me again. ¿Cualquier cosa especial ha estado entrando encendido en su área?
Been busy searching for a venue to host a mate’s bachelor’s eve party. Any pointers? The dude’s in the UK and returning to the Nigeria for the wedding; as most of the other groom’s men / hosts / unmarried mates are in the UK it’s been left to urs truly to sort things out. Oh goody. Received an email from the dude last week informing me that the wedding colors are lavender and celadon. Excuse me, but why does everyone use lavender nowadays, I mean when exactly did lavender become the color of choice for weddings? Also, what the beep is celadon? I swear only male fashion designers can identify celadon on a color chart.

Read the other day that some dude’s suggesting Nigerian youth become conscripts in the military for 3 to 4 years - and reservists afterwards – in order to combat the threat of global terrorism. Hmmm, u don’t say. The guy better be joking or else I’m adjusting the age on my passport. Military, indeed. Maybe the dude’s been smoking the same oohwee I’ve been toting on for weeks now. Speaking of weed, maybe it’s time I stopped. I’ve been having crazy dreams for the past week. In one dream I am filming a shampoo commercial. Yep, a bald-headed guy as a spokesperson for shampoo. Hmmm, could be an ironic way to sell goods. Wait, with ideas like these why’d I stop inhaling?! Someone pass me a reefer quick.

Another weed thought: do thieves ask God for guidance / protection / safety just before robbing peeps of their possessions? In 2002 some mates and I drove from ATL to Maryland – a 9 hour trip – for a party and before we embarked on our fantastic voyage Miguel asked us to pray. I didn’t think to tell him I’d prayed uncomfortably before we left the crib. I mean what am I supposed to say to God? “Dear Father, please guide us on this trip as we drive 9 hours to get jiggy with females in revealing clothes. We might ask some women for their telephone numbers and if we get lucky they’ll give them to us. Afterwards, we might call these females and maybe go out on dates. These movie or dinner or walk-in-the-park dates (depending on how broke we are) could invariably lead to sex, but pardon us and grant us a safe trip.” Catch my drift?

Yeah, update on the petrol hike: the Government punks decided on a 30% hike in the price of gas. Rumors abound that new gas prices are part of the conditions imposed by the Paris Club before debt relief was granted. If so, then the $18bn reprieve’s a Greek gift. Same rumors insist that other conditions for debt relief include prosecuting those who have bled this country dry. How come no one’s been brought up on charges yet? Remember the erstwhile Senate President who was accused of accepting bribes? Nada’s been done til date. In fact the guy was on TV the other day rendering his support for an anti-graft bill. Talk about ironic. Another rumor……wait, has anyone asked how Nigerians hear these rumors? If rumors are to be believed most Nigerian leaders are corrupt, one’s a bisexual crook and another was a weed-smoking psychopath. Nice heritage, huh?

Still on the fuel hike, I used my Sherlock Homeboy skills to elicit information from an unsuspecting pump attendant at the NNPC (the national oil company) gas station. (See what I do for y’all?) Dude told me though they sell product worth millions of Naira daily the get just 4,000 Naira a month. Yep, u read that right! That’s lower than the minimum wage. This dude’s hoping the populace goes on strike and I am with him.

To more pleasant stuff, I met the girlfriend’s sis on Friday and their mom on Sunday. First impressions? Think they are a bit wary of my motives. It’s all good though; the girlfriend’s yet to meet my mom so that’d be interesting. Think I might get a camcorder to capture that moment for posterity. U’da seen the girlfriend during lunch with her sister. It was almost as if she was trying to convince her I was a good guy. “Tunde lives in a lovely estate with a mini-golf course. There’s a nice chill out place by the riverside where people go to hang out and have meals….” Almost expected her to tell her sis that I have a cure for cancer. Ha huh ha huh Guess I know how she feels cos I told my family she’s a superhero from Planet Krypton. Not too sure if they believed me though.

Work update. Didn’t move to the competition ‘cos ‘cos…well, I feel cosy here. I told the club manager about the offer from the competition and he said he’ll talk to management to see if they can review the current pay structure. They’d better ‘cos peeps are tendering resignations nightly. Good, I say. Though it increases the number of lap dances I gotta give it also provides more leverage for when I negotiate my wage increase. The funny thang about this isn’t the blank looks on clients’ faces when they discover their fav stripper’s moved on – though the expression on one lady’s face was Picassoesque - but the letters of resignation. Seen all sorts I tell ya. Almost wanna pitch Mr. Gates an idea about including various formats for resignation letters in the next version of Microsoft Word. Truly, it’ll be a hit. Peep this:

1. Resignation letter from a guy who just won the lottery: Dear D*&khead, guess what? I am richer than u ever gonna be. Kiss my blistered left-ass cheek……………………PS: I must apologise for what I wrote above. Just consulted with my mistress / wife-to-be and a faux pas was brought to my attention. It’s my right-ass cheek that is blistered.
2. Resignation letter from a Japanese dude: Dear Big Boss, konishiwa. So sorry I have to resign from my post to look after my ill mother. I advised her to end her life by jumping outta the window but the sorry b*&^h is scared. I really am sorry………..PS: If say she, um, dies sooner than expected by some freak accident like self-suffocation, can I get my job back?
3. Resignation letter from a just converted suicide bomber: Dear Infidel, look under ur desk. Yup, that’s the crap ass digital watch u gave me to commemorate 20 years of loyal service. Cheapskate. Just in case u are wondering why the LCD screen is smeared with what looks like powder, let’s just say it’s payback time. Goodbye muthaf*&^er………PS: Would u be so kind as to press the button on the left, the explosive device cannot be activated unless the button is pressed. Thanks.
4. Resignation letter from Tunde:blank. Yup, I am not one to write letters. If I do decide to quit I am inscribing I QUIT on my fav lime green g-string and giving free lap dances all nite. That’d definitely piss management off.

Some entertainment news: nada new on the Scientology couple. Phew.
50 Cent’s rumored to be dating Nia Long. Man, do I need buckteeth and tight fitting halter tops to get Hollywood stars to glance in my direction? Damn. Now I’m officially hating on 50. Wasn’t too upset when he dated Vivica Fox as she’s ghetto and was clearly reeling from her divorce at that point. But Nia?! Not my Nia!!!!! Oh man.
Serena Williams dumped boyfriend Brett Ratner (director of the Rush Hour movies) on her reality show. Ouch. Hope this is not gonna affect his concentration on the set of X-Men 3. If Wolverine ends up dumping Storm when the movie arrives at ur local multiplex next year, now u know why.

Aiight time to go entertain some ladies. Wait, forgot to tell u what happened to me last week. Ever been in a room with someone else when u mistakenly let out a fart? U know u farted, the other person knows u farted, but u don’t say nada cos u hoping the other party’s nostrils are not functioning. Yup, that happened to me on Friday, but this time I was the victim. Here’s some free advise for y’all flatulent folk out there: if u can’t get access to a pack of Digestive biscuits spray some perfume on the garments covering ur nether region. That way when u fart it smells like perfume. Try it, it works. Martha Stewart, eat ur heart out.

Okay, really gotta go. Tot ziens and God bless.