The emasculation of Tunde

Hola peeps. ¿Usted ha visto los horrores en la TV? Man, that lady Katrina’s messed a whole lotta things up. Bush’s running scared after the dilatory tactics by responsible officials under his watch. Who’d wanna be president, eh?

Work’s aiight…….nah, work is pissing me off. Now the smart alecs who run the club have decided to tax our tips. Yup, they taxing the currency that’s placed in my g-strings. Money was spent on procuring CCTV to watch every move we make, literally. What makes it worse is that we get searched every night by some burly bouncer who I suspect is confused about his sexuality; how else can one explain the guy’s predilection for pig tails and tight shirts? My g-string has now been modified with pockets (yes, it’s possible) to prevent the dude from frisking me at the end of the work day. I have written emails to complain about this new regime but nada’s been done; so in the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. I am embarking on a peaceful protest. No placards for me though, I’m taking the Samson approach by not shaving facial hair or waxing the hair on chest and nether regions; that’ll teach them. (Ain’t it weird how some men lose hair on their dome yet have enough facial (and body) hair to keep Eskimos warm…….and peeps say God doesn’t have a sense of humor.) I’ll keep y’all informed on the developments…….but I might have to back down when I start developing dreadlocks.

Found out an older mate of the girlfriend who works in the club as well cautioned the girlfriend to be wary of me ‘cos I have the demeanor of a “user”. U what?! Guess that explains why the chick’s been giving me the cold shoulder lately. It must be the bald head, cologne, goatee or something, ‘cos it’s not the first time this has happened to me. While at Bradford I was dating this asian chick whose aunt advised her that I’d be after her for a British passport. In her defence, the aunt had never set eyes on me and was probably spewing crap advice based on hearsay of what corrupt peeps go through in order to secure a permanent stay in the UK. But I frigging work with the girlfriend’s mate; I mean she’d frigging know me. Man, actually thought of ending the relationship with the girlfriend so her mate could have the satisfaction of preventing her from being manipulated by big bad, albeit very, very, very good-looking, Tunde.

Spent most of Sunday (after church, of course) with the girlfriend watching a number of DVDs. Really had fun and some of the movies reminded me why I can’t stand Nigerian movies. The acting, cinematography, directing, everything. I dunno anyone who buys those DVDs, just peeps who watch them. Why can’t they invest bucks in these movies? It pisses me off ‘cos I bloody love movies. Most of my male friends talk about cars, how fast they accelerate from 0-60mph, the amount of bhp, etc.; they buy car mags religiously and froth at the mouth at the latest addition to the BMW stable. Moi? I am not too bothered about the brand of car I drive, but if Bryan Singer’s got a new movie coming out I wanna know about it. Watching an excellent movie creates a warm, fuzzy feeling inside of me. I see a lovely show or movie and wanna engage in passionate conversations discussing little plot details. I’d talk for an hour about The Usual Suspects and how I saw it 7 consecutive times or why Brendan Gleeson’s the most underrated actor of all time. I love reading anecdotes of famous entertainment power brokers like Dick Wolf, producer of the Law and Order series, who said, “CSI is a franchise, Law and Order is a brand”; or the exchange between Jerry Bruckheimer and Joel Silver when they had big budget movies (Days of Thunder and Dick Tracy respectively) scheduled to premiere on the same day.
Jerry: Don’t f%$k with the Thunder.
Joel: U won’t believe the size of my Dick.
See what I mean, don’t stories like these cause u to smile? Okay, I know, I know. I shall retire my geek alter-ego…..for the time being.

Mate’s getting married next Saturday and still not sure what celadon is. Girlfriend’s excited about it (the wedding not celadon) as that’ll be the first time we go for a formal event together. Apparently it’s a huge deal for her so I’d better not mess up. Also, she’s coming along for the bachelor’s eve party so that’d be interesting. As usual, I’ll keep y’all informed on the goings on.

Speaking of weddings I saw a neighbor reading a book entitled MARRY ME! by Gerstman, Pizzo and Seldes. Didn’t read the book (as if) but the sleeve’s got a picture of the male authors and “Ten Facts Every Woman Needs To Know”. First thing I did was laugh out loud when I read the…..(drum roll please)……facts every woman needs to know about men. Like a Jew, an Italian and a Greek are gonna know stuff about women, let alone strong black women (hey, ever wondered why black females, esp. celebs, justify their actions by stressing they’re strong black women? For e.g., “I had sex with 20 guys in one nite ‘cos I’m a strong black woman and I do as I please……now can someone tell me why I have lesions on my face?” I must write a blog about it sometime.). Anyways, here are the ten things they feel y’all women should know (my words of knowledge are written below each, ahem, fact):

1. Women have the power to make a man commit.
It’s called sex.

2. Engagement is not about timing. It’s about being the right woman – and taking the right steps.
If that fails, see step 1.

3. A professional man has three distinct stages of his career.
These stages are crawl, walk and run….from marriage.

4. To understand a man, a woman must understand his career – and his career stage.
Join a gym in case the dude’s at the ‘run’ stage of his career.

5. A professional man’s level of commitment is directly related to the career stage he is in.
Sure, sure. (Man, this shite’s so easy I’d write a book myself)

6. There are things a woman can do to bring the relationship to a higher level – tips custom-made for each career stage.
Forget the gym, join the mile-high club (geddit?).

7. A man’s success in his career is an accomplishment for the man and his girlfriend.
……before he dumps her for her cuter friend who now finds him desirable ‘cos he’s loaded.

8. For a man, living together before engagement is a requirement.
Not if he lives with his mama. If he does, get ur female friends to persuade him to move out the same way they convinced their men to commit……..as if.

9. Moving in with a woman is not easy for a man.
True…….especially if she cannot cook.

10. He will love you more and want to marry you sooner if you don’t give him ultimatums or pressure him into marriage.
Sure, but if u don’t pressure him he’ll take his time and propose to u when he turns 80. Heckuva Catch-22, huh?

Okay peeps, time to go comb out my afro beard. Tot ziens and God bless.