With loadsa alcohol and groveling, I finally got her to gimme some ...............................chocolate cake

Hola peeps. Que tal? Y? Still buzzing about girlfriend. Man, I better stop b4 I start acting like an uncle Tom (Cruise). Geddit?

Anyways, been having cool runnings since I returned to the country, but the past 2 weeks have been particularly severe. Y’all know I enjoy spending time on the, erm, white throne but this is ridiculous. Went to the company clinic and was given some drugs that caused some reactions so eerie I’m thinking of summoning Mulder and Scully to investigate. Been farting so unpleasantly I searched on the ‘net for easy ways to detach one’s ass from one’s body. Also had a doodle the other day that was the smallest doodle I had ever seen. Problem is I had to flush the toilet about 4 times before this li’l doodle disappeared. I swear I heard it snicker a number of times while I was flushing. Still break out up in a cold sweat when I think about it. Now I flush my WC with holy water I stole from the local church.

Went back to the hospital after the drugs they gave me caused me to puke. Guess what? The crap ass quack gave me the same drugs that caused me to puke. When I complained about this to the hospital pharmacist the bloke said, “….we know, that’s why we gave u extra tablets so if u throw up u still have more tablets to take.” Is it me or doctors ain’t what they used to be? I’da known the clinic was awful when there was a huge ass sign on the toilet door instructing one to wash hands to prevent germs, but there was no running water in the bathroom. Damn company clinic. Now they want my stool sample for analysis. I doubt if they gonna do any analysis cos on the first day they asked for my pee sample and I haven’t heard nada since. I have a sneaky feeling they keep the samples for posterity or ask for samples outta boredom. Anyways I’ve decided not to take their drugs and to eat loadsa candy instead. If I get worse I’ll go to another clinic, if I get cured I’ll write a book on chocolate therapy and make loadsa money. It’s a risk worth taking, I feel.

Yeah, since I visited that clinic I’ve observed a red blot on the pupil of my left eye. It’s been days now and it’s still there. It’s almost as if I have been working for days without any sleep…..only it affected just the left eye. Man, that reminds me of some chick I dated when I was stripping in Holland. This girl was so slick I’d work overtime and hand her all my wages. How do women do that?! I was so close to becoming a prodigal son, I actually asked my dad for my inheritance so I’d keep this chick in the style she’d been accustomed to. After he smacked me across the face with his leather slippers I broke into tongues and was immediately cured. Hallelujah.

Remember the scene from Best Defence (80s movie starring Eddie Murphy and Dudley Moore) where the US military official trying to sell armoured tanks to the Kuwaitis was comparing the two cultures? “America and Kuwait have lots in common”, he said, “we have, erm, erm, look at all this sand, we also have sand in the US too.” Hilarious stuff. Was reminded of that movie while listening to the radio today and some government official was talking about why the sanction on Air India (or is it Indian Airways) – the airline was used to smuggle drugs into Nigeria – was lifted after a few decades. “Nigeria and India have a lot in common: we have the largest democracy in Africa, you have the largest democracy in Asia; we have the largest population in Africa, you have the largest population in East Asia; erm, erm, as you can see we have a lot in common..”. Hilarious stuff. The guy forgot to mention, “u guys are corrupt, we are corrupt also…”.

Heard my cuz Femi and his wife Tobi had a baby on Sunday. Man, I spoke to these folk on Saturday! So glad for them. Told my dad about it and he was joyous. Then he said, “U see, Femi’s thrown down the gauntlet. U gonna respond?” U what?! Man, I swear, this guy should have his own reality TV show. Nah, I think Miguel (my Nigerian mate in the ATL) deserves the show instead. Some background: Femi, Miguel, Gbolly, Alo and I are close mates. Femi and Alo are married with kids and Gbolly maintains he’s a lifelong member of the Bachelor Club – sure, until his ex gives him a call. Miguel? This bro’s desperate to get married. The guy’s so anxious he’s got a US Immigration official informing him of all Nigerian chicks arriving in the US. As long as she doesn’t have a wedding band on her left hand Miguel’s interested. He then gets their contact details and moves to their cities of residence so he can accidentally bump into them at the mall or while picking up their garbage. This bro’s sad. OBTW (Oh By The Way) he’s also learning Chinese in his spare time……so he can get discounts at Chinese restaurants!

Man, this relationship thang’s tricky, but I’m learning. I know it’s a cliché, but as soon as one gets in a relationship it seems peeps of the opposite sex have scales drop from their eyes. Like the THRILLER video I now have chicks coming outta the woodwork, from UK, Jamaica, Nigeria, everywhere. It’s almost as if my teeth are whiter, my clothes have no crease and my cologne’s been made especially for me. Man, I wish I’d bottle this and sell it. LLCoolTunde: a cologne so good, chicks flock to u like fly to shit. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Haven’t told my dad I have a girlfriend yet cos well, well, cos the dude’s gonna get ahead of himself. If u’re my girlfriend and u reading this u know I ain’t ashamed of u. It’s just that this guy might take out an ad in the local daily announcing my imminent wedding in December. And no, I am not joking.

So what u guys been up to? Pleased about the verdict from the Michael Jackson trial? All I can say is it’s pays to be white (even if u were born black) in the US legal system. I expected him to be found guilty of something. Jay walking, being too skinny, something, anything. He musta learned his lesson this time. The next time a kid shows up at Neverland Ranch he’s bound to be thumped by Jacko’s bodyguards. Man, did u watch cable news stations? It’s almost as if every legal expert, even those that got their degrees by sleeping with their tutors, had some sorta unique perspective on the matter. I’m almost tempted to study law in my spare time so I can yak about everything while saying nothing.

Back to Jacko, his supporters argue that we can’t judge Michael until we’ve lived his life. Whatever. Say, Michael had a normal job like the rest of us, what kinda profession do u think he’d be good at? Paediatrics? Man, I kill myself! Here’s an idea, how about MTV (seeing that they have nada better to do) create a show where stars do a job that normal peeps would do? Imagine the possibilities: Eminem as a butcher (wearing his hockey mask and using a chainsaw), Venus Williams as a ragga musician (am I the only one who thinks she looks like Patra?; y’all remember Patra, don’t u?), Guy Ritchie as a househusband who hates his wife for ruining his career and stealing his mojo (ooops, too close to home).

Job’s okay but now a persona non grata at the office. Girlfriend’s real noble and helps kids and all. Decided to suggest a similar initiative to co-workers, but as u they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Decided to teach a class in physics at the local school. In trying to explain the concept of elasticity I reached into my bag of tricks and pulled out a g-string since I couldn’t find a rubber band. To cut a long story short the PTA heard about it and now a few of them are demonstrating with placards outside my place of business. Bummer.

Aiight peeps, gotta jet. My girlfriend’s dad found out I kissed his daughter and is on my trail. Someone please help. Tot ziens and God bless.

Na na na nana, I've got a girlfriend

Hola peeps. Que pasa? Bien? Cool. Y? Aiight. Assumed a new responsibility last week; yep, finally got me a girlfriend after 2 years and 2 months….and it seems kinda weird, but weird in a good way. B4 y’all say anything the answer’s no. No, she’s not a client even though I met her at the club where I perform…..but she’s a waitress there. She’s also the cutest chick u’ve ever seen. Her smile and her laugh just do it for me. Okay, the last sentence is my way of saying we haven’t knocked boots and I’m frustrated. Ha huh ha huh. Seriously though, we had a talk and decided to hold out on the sex thang. Hopefully, the longevity of this relationship will beat my previous record of 10 months. Found out her longest relationship was for 2 months. Man, a woman after my own heart!

As she still stays with her folks I had to say hi to them b4 I picked her up last Saturday. As y’all know I’ve never been much of a meet-the-folks person so I was as nervous as a turkey come Xmas time. It wasn’t so bad though, her dad and I shared a blunt, he promised to castrate me if I made a pass at her, I said I wouldn’t (while inhaling the sweet, sweet smoke), and I picked her up for our date. We went to a concert and found out she can hold her own on the dance floor. So here’s a synopsis: she’s gorgeous, smart, loves movies, laughs at my jokes and a heckuva dancer. If she’s a good cook I won’t hesitate to propose. Ha huh ha huh.

Yeah, forgot to tell u that b4 we went to the concert I stopped by my house to change clothes and she met my dad there. So now that we’ve met each other’s folks after only a week of going out y’all reckon this could be IT? Yeah right. Like I intimated earlier all I’m hoping for from this relationship is that it lasts a while. We’ll see about the extras after then. Why am I so blasé about IT? Peep this: I once said I’d never go out with a chick that I slept with on the first date. Turns out the only chick I’ve slept with after a first date was my longest relationship and I thought that was IT. Wrong.
On another occasion I went to a club and of all Asian chicks in the club – this was Leeds so they were a million of them – I stepped to the one who just happened to be the best mate of a crush I had in primary school. The odds of that happening were phenomenal. So was that IT? Nah. So ‘cos this chick’s the 1st one I chose to go out with after 2 years doesn’t mean squat. Hey, at least she’s gorgeous…..and she doesn’t call me her man. Man, I hate that term of endearment. Had this girlfriend who referred to me as her man and deep down I’m sure that’s the reason I broke up with her. Yes, I know I have issues!

Nigeria’s the same ol’ same ol’. So tired of complaining about stuff I’ve decided to shut up until I can make a positive impact myself. Okay one last complaint: the other day folk in the National Assembly threatened to impeach the President ‘cos he presented a different budget than what they had earlier approved. Fair enough, but their action was probably motivated by the fact that he reduced the size of their budget. This is not the first time the President’s done some stupid shite like this, but they choose to begin impeachment procedures against him only when he does stuff that affect him directly. This was the same dude who recently canvassed for donations for his Presidential library even though he’s still got 2 years in office! The dude raised over 4 billion Naira i.e. about 16 million pounds sterling. The punk.

So what u guys been up to? Watch much TV lately? Been too busy with work I hardly have time to lounge in front of the TV. Last week, I read about Tom Cruise’s trash display on Oprah. Yep, the one where he gushed about loving Katie Holmes and dragging her onto the set. Man, what a dork. Give them a few months, a year maybe, and they’ll be dating other peeps. Does something happen to peeps once they become famous or were they always that foolish? A few years ago while watching one of those VH1 ranking shows, u know the Rock’s top 50 women or Top 50 shite concepts the VH1 guy thought would make compulsive viewing or stupid excrement like that. Anyways, peeps were talking about Aretha Franklin and they show Queen Latifah who embossed Aretha’s greatness with a line about how strong she is for singing Rose Is Still A Rose after being in the music industry for so long. Excuse me, if a hot artiste (Lauren Hill b4 she went all loopty loop) writes u a song and u a washed-up singer who hasn’t had a hit in years, does it take super human strength to open ur mouth and sing for ur supper? Man, if u don’t have stuff to say, shut up.

Hey, y’all hear about the US Intelligence report about Nigeria? It read that Nigeria might break up in a few years ‘cos the various ethnic groups don’t really like each other and yada, yada, yada. Members of the Senate and House of Assembly were so bothered, rather, they pretended to be so bothered, they established a committee (yep, we sure do love committees in Nigeria) to look into the intelligence. Don’t see what the fuss is though. After the debacle in Iraq y’all gonna believe anything coming outta the Langley, Virginia (CIA HQ)? I thot so. Maybe the politicians will suggest we take a public holiday next year on the anniversary of the intelligence report ‘cos if there’s anything us Nigerians like more than committees it’s public holidays. Since I’ve been back we’ve had holidays to celebrate our Muslim brethren, to mark Children’s Day, for Easter, for Democracy Day (the day the President was elected to his first term, if that isn’t narcissistic I don’t know what is), etc. When I become president I’m gonna make my birthday a holiday. If y’all are interested I’d make y’all birthdays one too…….for a price ofcourse.

Almost forgot to tell y’all about my ride. Yep, she’s acting up again. At times like these I wish MTV had a Nigerian version of PIMP MY RIDE. Hey, wouldn’t it be a novel idea if MTV did a Post-PIMP MY RIDE show where we can see what’s happened to all the cars a year after they were pimped? I mean, most of the guys whose rides were pimped woulda bought better cars in the first place if they’d afford it, right? So what makes u think they aren’t gonna hawk off one of the TVs in the trunk or the washing machine in the back seat when times get hard? Hey, I’m just thinking out loud. Here’s another one, ever wonder that MTV CRIBS might be the IRS’s way of getting black athletes and rappers to declare their assets? I betcha that show’s been used as evidence in a number of child support payment cases.

Reading the paragraph above again, I think it’s a good thing I got myself a girlfriend. This way I don’t have an excuse to think of crap like that. Yeah, 4got to tell y’all that on our first date my girlfriend (yep, MY girlfriend) and I went to see Star Wars III. Thot it was better than I and II, but Anakin’s transformation from good guy to bad guy lacked gravitas. It’s almost as if he was looking for an excuse to change. I swear I’da offered him a candy bar and he’da had no problem moving to the dark side. Tsh, tsh, tsh. Grade: George could do better.

Okay peeps, gotta go, my girlfriend’s calling. Tot ziens and God bless y’all.