Na na na nana, I've got a girlfriend

Hola peeps. Que pasa? Bien? Cool. Y? Aiight. Assumed a new responsibility last week; yep, finally got me a girlfriend after 2 years and 2 months….and it seems kinda weird, but weird in a good way. B4 y’all say anything the answer’s no. No, she’s not a client even though I met her at the club where I perform…..but she’s a waitress there. She’s also the cutest chick u’ve ever seen. Her smile and her laugh just do it for me. Okay, the last sentence is my way of saying we haven’t knocked boots and I’m frustrated. Ha huh ha huh. Seriously though, we had a talk and decided to hold out on the sex thang. Hopefully, the longevity of this relationship will beat my previous record of 10 months. Found out her longest relationship was for 2 months. Man, a woman after my own heart!

As she still stays with her folks I had to say hi to them b4 I picked her up last Saturday. As y’all know I’ve never been much of a meet-the-folks person so I was as nervous as a turkey come Xmas time. It wasn’t so bad though, her dad and I shared a blunt, he promised to castrate me if I made a pass at her, I said I wouldn’t (while inhaling the sweet, sweet smoke), and I picked her up for our date. We went to a concert and found out she can hold her own on the dance floor. So here’s a synopsis: she’s gorgeous, smart, loves movies, laughs at my jokes and a heckuva dancer. If she’s a good cook I won’t hesitate to propose. Ha huh ha huh.

Yeah, forgot to tell u that b4 we went to the concert I stopped by my house to change clothes and she met my dad there. So now that we’ve met each other’s folks after only a week of going out y’all reckon this could be IT? Yeah right. Like I intimated earlier all I’m hoping for from this relationship is that it lasts a while. We’ll see about the extras after then. Why am I so blasé about IT? Peep this: I once said I’d never go out with a chick that I slept with on the first date. Turns out the only chick I’ve slept with after a first date was my longest relationship and I thought that was IT. Wrong.
On another occasion I went to a club and of all Asian chicks in the club – this was Leeds so they were a million of them – I stepped to the one who just happened to be the best mate of a crush I had in primary school. The odds of that happening were phenomenal. So was that IT? Nah. So ‘cos this chick’s the 1st one I chose to go out with after 2 years doesn’t mean squat. Hey, at least she’s gorgeous…..and she doesn’t call me her man. Man, I hate that term of endearment. Had this girlfriend who referred to me as her man and deep down I’m sure that’s the reason I broke up with her. Yes, I know I have issues!

Nigeria’s the same ol’ same ol’. So tired of complaining about stuff I’ve decided to shut up until I can make a positive impact myself. Okay one last complaint: the other day folk in the National Assembly threatened to impeach the President ‘cos he presented a different budget than what they had earlier approved. Fair enough, but their action was probably motivated by the fact that he reduced the size of their budget. This is not the first time the President’s done some stupid shite like this, but they choose to begin impeachment procedures against him only when he does stuff that affect him directly. This was the same dude who recently canvassed for donations for his Presidential library even though he’s still got 2 years in office! The dude raised over 4 billion Naira i.e. about 16 million pounds sterling. The punk.

So what u guys been up to? Watch much TV lately? Been too busy with work I hardly have time to lounge in front of the TV. Last week, I read about Tom Cruise’s trash display on Oprah. Yep, the one where he gushed about loving Katie Holmes and dragging her onto the set. Man, what a dork. Give them a few months, a year maybe, and they’ll be dating other peeps. Does something happen to peeps once they become famous or were they always that foolish? A few years ago while watching one of those VH1 ranking shows, u know the Rock’s top 50 women or Top 50 shite concepts the VH1 guy thought would make compulsive viewing or stupid excrement like that. Anyways, peeps were talking about Aretha Franklin and they show Queen Latifah who embossed Aretha’s greatness with a line about how strong she is for singing Rose Is Still A Rose after being in the music industry for so long. Excuse me, if a hot artiste (Lauren Hill b4 she went all loopty loop) writes u a song and u a washed-up singer who hasn’t had a hit in years, does it take super human strength to open ur mouth and sing for ur supper? Man, if u don’t have stuff to say, shut up.

Hey, y’all hear about the US Intelligence report about Nigeria? It read that Nigeria might break up in a few years ‘cos the various ethnic groups don’t really like each other and yada, yada, yada. Members of the Senate and House of Assembly were so bothered, rather, they pretended to be so bothered, they established a committee (yep, we sure do love committees in Nigeria) to look into the intelligence. Don’t see what the fuss is though. After the debacle in Iraq y’all gonna believe anything coming outta the Langley, Virginia (CIA HQ)? I thot so. Maybe the politicians will suggest we take a public holiday next year on the anniversary of the intelligence report ‘cos if there’s anything us Nigerians like more than committees it’s public holidays. Since I’ve been back we’ve had holidays to celebrate our Muslim brethren, to mark Children’s Day, for Easter, for Democracy Day (the day the President was elected to his first term, if that isn’t narcissistic I don’t know what is), etc. When I become president I’m gonna make my birthday a holiday. If y’all are interested I’d make y’all birthdays one too…….for a price ofcourse.

Almost forgot to tell y’all about my ride. Yep, she’s acting up again. At times like these I wish MTV had a Nigerian version of PIMP MY RIDE. Hey, wouldn’t it be a novel idea if MTV did a Post-PIMP MY RIDE show where we can see what’s happened to all the cars a year after they were pimped? I mean, most of the guys whose rides were pimped woulda bought better cars in the first place if they’d afford it, right? So what makes u think they aren’t gonna hawk off one of the TVs in the trunk or the washing machine in the back seat when times get hard? Hey, I’m just thinking out loud. Here’s another one, ever wonder that MTV CRIBS might be the IRS’s way of getting black athletes and rappers to declare their assets? I betcha that show’s been used as evidence in a number of child support payment cases.

Reading the paragraph above again, I think it’s a good thing I got myself a girlfriend. This way I don’t have an excuse to think of crap like that. Yeah, 4got to tell y’all that on our first date my girlfriend (yep, MY girlfriend) and I went to see Star Wars III. Thot it was better than I and II, but Anakin’s transformation from good guy to bad guy lacked gravitas. It’s almost as if he was looking for an excuse to change. I swear I’da offered him a candy bar and he’da had no problem moving to the dark side. Tsh, tsh, tsh. Grade: George could do better.

Okay peeps, gotta go, my girlfriend’s calling. Tot ziens and God bless y’all.