With loadsa alcohol and groveling, I finally got her to gimme some ...............................chocolate cake

Hola peeps. Que tal? Y? Still buzzing about girlfriend. Man, I better stop b4 I start acting like an uncle Tom (Cruise). Geddit?

Anyways, been having cool runnings since I returned to the country, but the past 2 weeks have been particularly severe. Y’all know I enjoy spending time on the, erm, white throne but this is ridiculous. Went to the company clinic and was given some drugs that caused some reactions so eerie I’m thinking of summoning Mulder and Scully to investigate. Been farting so unpleasantly I searched on the ‘net for easy ways to detach one’s ass from one’s body. Also had a doodle the other day that was the smallest doodle I had ever seen. Problem is I had to flush the toilet about 4 times before this li’l doodle disappeared. I swear I heard it snicker a number of times while I was flushing. Still break out up in a cold sweat when I think about it. Now I flush my WC with holy water I stole from the local church.

Went back to the hospital after the drugs they gave me caused me to puke. Guess what? The crap ass quack gave me the same drugs that caused me to puke. When I complained about this to the hospital pharmacist the bloke said, “….we know, that’s why we gave u extra tablets so if u throw up u still have more tablets to take.” Is it me or doctors ain’t what they used to be? I’da known the clinic was awful when there was a huge ass sign on the toilet door instructing one to wash hands to prevent germs, but there was no running water in the bathroom. Damn company clinic. Now they want my stool sample for analysis. I doubt if they gonna do any analysis cos on the first day they asked for my pee sample and I haven’t heard nada since. I have a sneaky feeling they keep the samples for posterity or ask for samples outta boredom. Anyways I’ve decided not to take their drugs and to eat loadsa candy instead. If I get worse I’ll go to another clinic, if I get cured I’ll write a book on chocolate therapy and make loadsa money. It’s a risk worth taking, I feel.

Yeah, since I visited that clinic I’ve observed a red blot on the pupil of my left eye. It’s been days now and it’s still there. It’s almost as if I have been working for days without any sleep…..only it affected just the left eye. Man, that reminds me of some chick I dated when I was stripping in Holland. This girl was so slick I’d work overtime and hand her all my wages. How do women do that?! I was so close to becoming a prodigal son, I actually asked my dad for my inheritance so I’d keep this chick in the style she’d been accustomed to. After he smacked me across the face with his leather slippers I broke into tongues and was immediately cured. Hallelujah.

Remember the scene from Best Defence (80s movie starring Eddie Murphy and Dudley Moore) where the US military official trying to sell armoured tanks to the Kuwaitis was comparing the two cultures? “America and Kuwait have lots in common”, he said, “we have, erm, erm, look at all this sand, we also have sand in the US too.” Hilarious stuff. Was reminded of that movie while listening to the radio today and some government official was talking about why the sanction on Air India (or is it Indian Airways) – the airline was used to smuggle drugs into Nigeria – was lifted after a few decades. “Nigeria and India have a lot in common: we have the largest democracy in Africa, you have the largest democracy in Asia; we have the largest population in Africa, you have the largest population in East Asia; erm, erm, as you can see we have a lot in common..”. Hilarious stuff. The guy forgot to mention, “u guys are corrupt, we are corrupt also…”.

Heard my cuz Femi and his wife Tobi had a baby on Sunday. Man, I spoke to these folk on Saturday! So glad for them. Told my dad about it and he was joyous. Then he said, “U see, Femi’s thrown down the gauntlet. U gonna respond?” U what?! Man, I swear, this guy should have his own reality TV show. Nah, I think Miguel (my Nigerian mate in the ATL) deserves the show instead. Some background: Femi, Miguel, Gbolly, Alo and I are close mates. Femi and Alo are married with kids and Gbolly maintains he’s a lifelong member of the Bachelor Club – sure, until his ex gives him a call. Miguel? This bro’s desperate to get married. The guy’s so anxious he’s got a US Immigration official informing him of all Nigerian chicks arriving in the US. As long as she doesn’t have a wedding band on her left hand Miguel’s interested. He then gets their contact details and moves to their cities of residence so he can accidentally bump into them at the mall or while picking up their garbage. This bro’s sad. OBTW (Oh By The Way) he’s also learning Chinese in his spare time……so he can get discounts at Chinese restaurants!

Man, this relationship thang’s tricky, but I’m learning. I know it’s a cliché, but as soon as one gets in a relationship it seems peeps of the opposite sex have scales drop from their eyes. Like the THRILLER video I now have chicks coming outta the woodwork, from UK, Jamaica, Nigeria, everywhere. It’s almost as if my teeth are whiter, my clothes have no crease and my cologne’s been made especially for me. Man, I wish I’d bottle this and sell it. LLCoolTunde: a cologne so good, chicks flock to u like fly to shit. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Haven’t told my dad I have a girlfriend yet cos well, well, cos the dude’s gonna get ahead of himself. If u’re my girlfriend and u reading this u know I ain’t ashamed of u. It’s just that this guy might take out an ad in the local daily announcing my imminent wedding in December. And no, I am not joking.

So what u guys been up to? Pleased about the verdict from the Michael Jackson trial? All I can say is it’s pays to be white (even if u were born black) in the US legal system. I expected him to be found guilty of something. Jay walking, being too skinny, something, anything. He musta learned his lesson this time. The next time a kid shows up at Neverland Ranch he’s bound to be thumped by Jacko’s bodyguards. Man, did u watch cable news stations? It’s almost as if every legal expert, even those that got their degrees by sleeping with their tutors, had some sorta unique perspective on the matter. I’m almost tempted to study law in my spare time so I can yak about everything while saying nothing.

Back to Jacko, his supporters argue that we can’t judge Michael until we’ve lived his life. Whatever. Say, Michael had a normal job like the rest of us, what kinda profession do u think he’d be good at? Paediatrics? Man, I kill myself! Here’s an idea, how about MTV (seeing that they have nada better to do) create a show where stars do a job that normal peeps would do? Imagine the possibilities: Eminem as a butcher (wearing his hockey mask and using a chainsaw), Venus Williams as a ragga musician (am I the only one who thinks she looks like Patra?; y’all remember Patra, don’t u?), Guy Ritchie as a househusband who hates his wife for ruining his career and stealing his mojo (ooops, too close to home).

Job’s okay but now a persona non grata at the office. Girlfriend’s real noble and helps kids and all. Decided to suggest a similar initiative to co-workers, but as u they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Decided to teach a class in physics at the local school. In trying to explain the concept of elasticity I reached into my bag of tricks and pulled out a g-string since I couldn’t find a rubber band. To cut a long story short the PTA heard about it and now a few of them are demonstrating with placards outside my place of business. Bummer.

Aiight peeps, gotta jet. My girlfriend’s dad found out I kissed his daughter and is on my trail. Someone please help. Tot ziens and God bless.