Hey Tunde, baby I got ur money.....

Okay, a number of u have contacted me about how my last blog helped y’all in ur ‘grief’. I’m really glad to help, honestly I am, but it seems y’all don’t get how this works. I give y’all advice and y’all send me cheques, cash, even mango lassi and plantain chips are acceptable. What’s wrong with y’all?!!! Don’t u appreciate my efforts? Don’t y’all know how much it takes outta me – emotionally and physically – to let y’all into my experiences? I am not joking. For example, after the excruciating efforts of my last blog I woke up the next day and found that I’d lost almost all the hair on my head. Y’all aren’t gonna recognise me now. Remember how my flowing locks always fall across my face when the wind blows, well nada happens now. Oh my beautiful, beautiful, blonde locks are no more. Oh the pain, the pain. How am I gonna cope without a full head of hair? Maybe some money will help me out. Please, please, please send those cheques as soon as possible. Just to whet ur appetite for more I’ll give y’all (esp. women) tips on how to find the perfect(ish) partner and remain friends after u break up.
 

1. Don’t always take advice from ur mates. It’s oft said that girls mature quicker than boys. I agree, but the part no one talks about is how the roles are reversed once the boys and girls become adults and enter into relationships. B4 y’all hang me by my boxer shorts I plead ur patience. I can give u countless cases of where women have allowed their relationships to be jeopardised by ‘collective thinking’, i.e. where they let their friends influence their relationships. U see guys have learned to be wary of one another since their teenage years, but it seems women rely on their friends’ judgments ‘til they get closer to their 30s or ‘til all their friends get married. Guys recognise that we’ll lie, cheat and steal when a girl’s involved. I didn’t have an inkling of this ‘til I was 18. I liked this girl but didn’t wanna ask her out ‘til I’d done the ‘collective thinking’ thing. So I slyly asked ‘the boys’ what they thought of her and one guy was particularly vociferous about her figure. “She’s got a nice face but her stomach obtrudes so much one’d think she’s three months pregnant”, he said. It was later that I found out that he’d asked her out but she turned him down. See what I mean?

2. Don’t take advice from ur single mates. Girls, u know those girlfriends of urs who have been single since u met them, well, never, never, ever take relationship advice from them.

3. Be happy for ur friends. I once saw these 2 girls at the train station and later bumped into one of them when I went to buy some candy. I smiled at her and politely asked her what was up with her friend. She snapped and said “why don’t u ask her urself?!” Now if some girl I liked told me she was interested in a mate of mine instead of moi I’d be a li’l disappointed, but I’ll hook her up with my mate. It’s life, it happens. Most girls I know from university would never do that. Back in Bradford there was a house shared by 5 girls and anytime one of them got into a relationship the others ostracized the ‘traitor’. Guys would never do this. They’d pretend to like their mate’s girlfriend even if they can’t stand her………..that is until they ‘pretend’ to get drunk and make a pass at her.

4. Realise ur partner had a life b4 u met him/her. Guys, girls, ladyboys, whoever, ur relationship will progress smoother if u realise u can’t change ur partner until they are ready to change themselves. When u met her at the escort agency u weren’t too bothered about her line of job then, so why are u now? When u put dollar bills in his red thong at the strip club u weren’t perturbed by all the female friends he had then, were u?
 
Okay, I’m off to try on some wigs. Tot ziens.

PS
Julio’s on his way back from L.A. Apparently, he couldn’t even get cast as a guy in a monkey suit for the sequel to Planet of The Apes.