If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down

Hola peeps.

Good week? Mine was packed with a 2-day conference at which I was a panelist on first day and tried not to fall asleep on second day. Did the latter by standing at back of the auditorium a few times and even skipped out towards the end to go change (read: drop off jacket, touch up on deodorant and roll sleeves up to elbow) at home for the post conference cocktails. Dunno if it was the presence of another Nigerian at the party but danced like I haven’t done in yonks. Usually I am shy about these things and only dance when I have a dance partner, but I didn’t give a hoot this time. I could tell it was a strange sight ‘cos folk who only see me at work settings couldn’t help but offer comments. Some even pulled out their phones to record this executive of a company in a foreign country - that's the mantra I repeat in the mirror every morning to convince myself to stop acting childish - dancing like he just won the lotto.

Quite surprised I was able to move feet ‘cos last week I played 3 footie games in 2 days and ended up with a sprained right index finger, aching right big toe and messed up ankles. They still hurt and now I am starting to believe I am in my 40s ‘cos these ailments woulda been gone within 2 days earlier in life. I went running today just to test out ankles and did kickboxing afterwards. Had to do this ‘cos I intend to take part in an 8km race on Friday. Oh yeah, forgot to tell y’all I am now addicted to running. Tend to do 5km 3-4 times a week and did an 8km race last month in 39 minutes. Why the sudden interest in running? Dunno, maybe I am running away from my past. I chose that line ‘cos my brother Loye said it to me while running one night back in Beachland and I found it hilarious. It was just before Chief’s 70^th birthday if I recall.

Mate thinks the sudden zest for running is down to a midlife crisis. She suggested that after discovering I dipped outta another conference earlier this month in Cape Town to go paragliding and skydiving. Was primed to go bungee jumping in Soweto as well but that didn’t pan out. Could rectify that in Nairobi next month though. Midlife crisis, huh? Well, I cannot afford a muscle bike/car and Juba is too hot for a leather jacket so yeah, maybe she’s right that I am living my best action hero fantasy as an alternative. As if. The paragliding/skydiving thang was ‘cos I had colleagues also interested in same. Not sure I’da done that on my own if there were no takers…..I probably woulda to be honest. Re running, the first time gym instructor suggested we run from apartment to the Juba airport and back, just over 5km, I was so glad not to be stuck on a treadmill I didn’t wanna stop. It was so freeing that I emulated Forrest Gump and started running everywhere. I used to run outside only on weekends with a group of friends, but since I started running on my own it was like a switch in me was turned on. On Saturdays, I normally would drive to meet-up spot, run with the pack, then drive home. Now, I run to designated spot, do the run with the team, then run back home. You know that 8km marathon I mentioned earlier? I ran 4km from crib to starting spot, did the 8km marathon, took a dump in an unkempt loo, ran 4km back home, showered, drove to church, did an hour of kickboxing and drove back home to pack for trip to Uganda the next day. Yup, I am a bad man. The Nigerian Panther is officially back.

In the past month I have also taken up intermittent fasting - on weekdays only - where I go 16hrs between last meal of the day and first meal of the following day; I drink water all through though. Why am I doing this since I do not need to lose weight as I have pretty much weighed between 73kg and 77kg for as long as I can remember? Well, heard a mate’s husband talk about intermittent fasting and said it might curb my appetite for chocolate, so I decided to try it for the same reason I hold breath from time to time (during jumping jacks) while executing HIIT, for the challenge. Not sure it has achieved its aim re chocolate consumption, but now I no loner pop a chocolate bar in mouth every morning before leaving for the office. Don’t shake your collective heads, it’s been scientifically proven by my UK dentist - who just bought a Harley Davidson bike with matching leather riding gear - that chocolate is the breakfast of champions.

Bad side effect of intermittent fasting are the weird dreams I have been having. The other day I woke up in sweats after a nightmare about a talking dog chasing me and asking, nah pleading, to take a bite off left leg. I recall it Whistling Dixie and referring to me as Mr. Good Leg. Woah, I think my dog-given nom de plume would work as a great title for both Nollywood and Hollywood movies as well as a Country-Western song. Go intermittent fasting!

I best tell y’all of South African trip before Harriet summons me again. Oh by the way, we have broken up again. She keeps cooking only sweet potatoes and fish! Yeah, I did tell her I love sweet potatoes and am trying to get less meat in my diet, but to feed me same thang day in day out? Maka why? Okay, where was I? Yup, South Africa. Man, Cape Town is the most beautiful city I have visited. Utterly stunning, great weather and loads to do. If you ignore the pell-mell nature of my outbound flight from Juba to Cape Town - 6-hour layover at the Kigali International airport with a sparse lounge and zero sleeping facilities and 4-hour layover at the O.R. Tambo International airport in Johannesburg with nonexistent WiFi – everything about time in South Africa was amazing. Well, apart from the Botswanan lady who came unannounced to me while waiting in lobby of Johannesburg hotel. This was no gamine, more like a gadfly. She wouldn’t shut up. Went on and on about herself, her pastor TB Joshua, how she was just checking out of same hotel and hoped they would give me her room, how she lives in Joburg and only checked into hotel to get away from what’s happening at home, how……end of the day she went from offering to buy me a beer to requesting I get her a bottle of wine, and finally asked if I wanted “company” during my 2 night stay in Joburg. I politely declined.

I already mentioned my Ethan Hunt escapades in Cape Town, but conference was worthwhile too. Tried warthog – sorry Pumbaa – and ostrich, and these were huge slabs of meat – if only Harriet would take note - unlike Carnivore restaurant in Nairobi where one is promised exotic meat but ends up with only teeny pieces. Towards end of my week-long stay I noticed I developed a slight South African accent, but only when ordering sparkling water. Strange.

On first night in Cape Town we went to Cubana Lounge and walked down Long Street. The latter was redolent of pub crawls back in uni. Seeing a woman puke by a bar was an added reminder of days when all I had to do was study and not worry about expenses. Good times. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention time spent at Joe’s Pub on Long Street. Wouldn’t call it time well spent or even time I intended to spend, but mate of colleague based in Cape Town suggested we go in. We walked in and all I could think about was, “who is watching Cape Town’s teenagers while these folks are in here?” My colleague summed it accurately by calling Joe’s the largest collection of unserious parents per capita in the world. You know how there’s always that one guy or lady who’s a little too old for the club? Now imagine there’s a club filled with just those people, that’s Joe’s.  How can ALL women in a club have protruding stomachs?! The guys weren’t much better. You know how during my initial trips to East Africa I mentioned how their women had hips? South African woman have those and more. “We have ass for days” should be the official motto of the South African tourist board.

Hotel in Cape Town was filled with signs advising water-saving measures, hence the blog title. No such signs were observed in Johannesburg, but I imbibed (pun intended) the water-saving measures and brought them back with me to Juba. Now, I wear same underwear on consecutive days to save water and reduce Harriet’s laundry load. I fear she may have caught on ‘cos I came back last night to a pile of newly-sewn red boxer shorts. It appears they were sewn from same fabric she made the red bedsheet out of. Awww, just when I thought we were done she pulls me back in with such loving, arse-chaffing – I was being generous with the whole “boxer shorts” tag, they are more like thongs - gestures.

Tot ziens and God bless.

1, 2, 3…...Cancun!

Hola peeps.

As seems to be the norm these days I am writing this on a plane from South Africa to Juba. The last time I tried to type a blog on a plane was back in May when I was on way from Nairobi to Lagos to get a new passport. Hey, I never told you about that trip, did I? Strange. Musta been effaced from memory due to hectic travel schedule that month. Okay lemme try recall before I tell y’all about my epic South African adventure……

Arrived Juba from Moscow on a Sunday May 13^th then flew to Kampala for a conference the next day. Returned to Juba two days afterwards then left for Nairobi on Friday May 18th. Yup, like I stated travel in May was insane! Flight from Juba to Moscow (via Dubai) was my first experience on FlyDubai and boy, was I unprepared. You know something is iffy when airline pilot hitching ride to Dubai is typing a cover letter for his application to another airline. I was able to view this ‘cos I was seated on first row of seats immediately behind business class. Oh yes, I was forced to fly coach as that was what was booked by organizers of the trip and I didn’t want them to feel I was bougie by upgrading. Had planned to upgrade on the return leg to Juba but after a week of Russian flights I was conditioned to cope flying coach.

For those of you not in the know FlyDubai is the no-frills sister airline of Emirates and everything about it is no frills. Even the access terminal at Dubai, Terminal 2, sucks.  Unfortunately, FlyDubai is the only direct flight from Juba to Dubai. Why we had to go through Dubai and not say Cairo (and the way better EgyptAir) is what I still don’t understand, but I know I am never using that airline again. You know how I always complain about Kenya Airways (KQ)? Put FlyDubai just a teeny-weeny pedestal above KQ and that’s only ‘cos I am a sucker for good inflight entertainment. Good? Well, they had a current selection of movies for $11. Yup, FlyDubai is so no-frills on a 5hr flight one must pay for movies, food, and even seats with extra legroom. Surprised access to the loo was free but I’m sure that’s next on their list of cost saving measures. FlyDubai is so no-frills I initially thought the male flight attendants were passengers who accidentally wore same outfit. No jackets, no waist costs, no ties. Just a checkered shirt, brown belt, blue pants and brown shoes.

You never realize how many announcements there are on a flight (and how much of a nuisance they are) until you pay for inflight entertainment. For every unnecessary instruction from the flight deck to “fasten your seat belts ‘cos the turbulence is so bad it’d flip the plane upside down...” I was thinking that’s another 3 mins of expensive movie viewing time lost. To make matters worse the touch screens were so crap one requires a hammer to adjust settings on the head rest monitor. Got to see The Florida Project and Phantom Thread though. The former was a gem, especially the kids. So natural, did not seem like acting. The scene at the end was heartbreaking but like 2018’s crappiest movie, Annihilation, the director did not quite know how to wrap it up. The acting in Phantom Thread was joyous. Now I get why Daniel Day-Lewis is held in such high esteem. Brilliant, brilliant acting.

On the outbound trip I never knew we had that many Russians in South Sudan. Apart from my delegation consisting of five black persons other passengers were either Russian or Chinese. FlyDubai is so ghetto nearly everyone on board was drunk before they boarded. It appears if you’ve flown them before the only way to survive the 5-hr trip from Juba to Dubai is get plastered prior to boarding. At some point the guy seated behind me was shirtless. Yup, that crazy. The guy in my delegation responsible for booking the flights was also drunk. He was so wasted that while sleeping he moved his hands around like a windmill the poor dude beside him had to be relocated to another row. The dude did not help himself by drinking further during the 5-hr layover in Dubai, so we had to ensure one of the team sat beside him to prevent an international incident from erupting. As expected, he did his windmill routine again, so our colleague had to punch him in the ribs a few times to startle him awake.

Of the seven nights I spent out of Juba I slept in an actual bed on only 3 of those nights. Cannot tell you much about any Russian city as I was busy hopping from one city to another for meetings. Arrived in Moscow about 7am on Monday May 7^th, left Moscow for Tomsk at 11pm same day, 4 hr flight (and 4 hr time difference) clocked arrival time at Tomsk at 7am on Tuesday the 8^th, napped for a few hours then went for a meeting and then dinner. On Wednesday the 9^th took an hour-long flight to some place beginning with an S, had a 6hr layover, then another 4hr flight (and a further 2hr time difference) to arrive at Blagoveschensk at 7am on Thursday May 10^th. Drove 3.5hrs from Blagoveschensk airport to a facility in Novoburejskiy, held 2 hr meeting, stopped for lunch, then drove 4.5hrs back to hotel at Blagoveschensk. Left the next day on a 7.5hr flight back to Moscow, did some souvenir shopping and got myself a bright pink travel pillow. Why pink? ‘Cos that was only travel pillow left, and besides real men wear pink, no? Departed for Dubai at 2pm on Saturday May 12^th after a brief meeting earlier that day. The Russian airports and flights were pretty much okay except for flight from that S place to Blagoveschensk. That was some rickety plane, so much so midway into flight I was shocked outta slumber by heat wave. Perhaps the airline staff assumed ‘cos there were Africans on board we’d enjoy the heat. Had to request they turn it down. Attempted to get a massage in Moscow but guy at hotel reception warned that only pervy massage places were close to hotel so I declined. Even worse, as soon as I checked into room at Hotel Asia in Blagoveschensk there was a leaflet advertising a strip club and a there was a pack of condoms on bedside table for purchase. I have heard of mini bars in hotel rooms, but condoms as well?!

Dunno what the travel agent was thinking with 13-hr layover on return trip but had to book a room at Dubai International Hotel and by the time I navigated the labyrinth that is Dubai airport and got to my room it was almost midnight. Even crap Kenya Airways would provide one accommodation for that long a layover! Or so I thought. Arrived in Nairobi on way to Lagos only to be informed I did not qualify for the usual overnight accommodation ‘cos I purchased my biz class ticket with a combination of reward miles and cash. What the?! Recall a couple of years ago they also prevented me from using the lounge at the Lagos airport ‘cos I purchased those tickets with miles as well. What’s the point of the miles in the first place? Next time I do not have any business in Nairobi I plan to become a habitué of Rwandair. Punks. Got some McDs and slept fitfully for 4hrs before catching flight from Dubai to Juba. Got to my apartment, packed for next day’s trip to Kampala and knocked off. Phew!

The Russia trip in May was first time I’ve flown into Dubai airport and it suckssss, well Terminal 2 anyway. On day we arrived from Juba El Clasico was to be played but there was no sports bar anywhere in sight. Paid to use the Marhaba lounge and even they weren’t showing footie so used their WiFi to stream the game. At a cost of $55 for 2 hours that was an expensive football viewing experience.

Need to return to Russia to properly experience the country. Still shocked that in 2018 random folk would see a set of black people and ask to take pics. Stopped by a shop on way to Blagoveschensk to buy some snacks and this dude stared at us so much he nearly ran into a door. On first day in Moscow some dude asked for a photo while we were leaving for the airport. “Are you American?”, he asked. “No, Nigerian”, I answered. Dude had no idea what that meant. Hope the presence of the Nigerian football team at the last World Cup made things easier so next time I am in Russia folk know basic facts about my country of birth. Good thang about the trip is I got to rock my fancy winter jacket at Tomsk. Arrived in 1C and snow….in May!

Russia is such a complex country: 6hr time differences with the same country…..8hr flights within the same country…business meeting where host had a calendar with nude women in his office….got to see China from Blagoveschensk – it’s only a 15 minute ferry ride. Incredible! Mostly stuffed myself with treats I would not get in Juba so had Shake Shack, Burger King, McDs – which the Russians cheekily call the US Embassy – and KFC. Returned to Juba 2kgs over weight. Did try local dishes like borscht soup and sour cream too.

All in all, it was a pleasant trip and had a few laughs as well. Due to postponement of trip a few times I arrived Moscow with a week to go before visa expired. I reckon that’s why I was asked to step aside at immigration control for about an hour before I was let through. Later discovered the immigration officers made a copy of passport biopage and showed it to any black person they could find in the arrival area until my colleague, who thankfully speaks Russian, identified me and confirmed I would be departing before visa expires. What a world.

Shall tell y’all about South African trip next time. Harriet’s beckoning me for dinner. Yup, she’s moved in now.

Tot ziens and God bless.