1, 2, 3…...Cancun!

Hola peeps.

As seems to be the norm these days I am writing this on a plane from South Africa to Juba. The last time I tried to type a blog on a plane was back in May when I was on way from Nairobi to Lagos to get a new passport. Hey, I never told you about that trip, did I? Strange. Musta been effaced from memory due to hectic travel schedule that month. Okay lemme try recall before I tell y’all about my epic South African adventure……

Arrived Juba from Moscow on a Sunday May 13^th then flew to Kampala for a conference the next day. Returned to Juba two days afterwards then left for Nairobi on Friday May 18th. Yup, like I stated travel in May was insane! Flight from Juba to Moscow (via Dubai) was my first experience on FlyDubai and boy, was I unprepared. You know something is iffy when airline pilot hitching ride to Dubai is typing a cover letter for his application to another airline. I was able to view this ‘cos I was seated on first row of seats immediately behind business class. Oh yes, I was forced to fly coach as that was what was booked by organizers of the trip and I didn’t want them to feel I was bougie by upgrading. Had planned to upgrade on the return leg to Juba but after a week of Russian flights I was conditioned to cope flying coach.

For those of you not in the know FlyDubai is the no-frills sister airline of Emirates and everything about it is no frills. Even the access terminal at Dubai, Terminal 2, sucks.  Unfortunately, FlyDubai is the only direct flight from Juba to Dubai. Why we had to go through Dubai and not say Cairo (and the way better EgyptAir) is what I still don’t understand, but I know I am never using that airline again. You know how I always complain about Kenya Airways (KQ)? Put FlyDubai just a teeny-weeny pedestal above KQ and that’s only ‘cos I am a sucker for good inflight entertainment. Good? Well, they had a current selection of movies for $11. Yup, FlyDubai is so no-frills on a 5hr flight one must pay for movies, food, and even seats with extra legroom. Surprised access to the loo was free but I’m sure that’s next on their list of cost saving measures. FlyDubai is so no-frills I initially thought the male flight attendants were passengers who accidentally wore same outfit. No jackets, no waist costs, no ties. Just a checkered shirt, brown belt, blue pants and brown shoes.

You never realize how many announcements there are on a flight (and how much of a nuisance they are) until you pay for inflight entertainment. For every unnecessary instruction from the flight deck to “fasten your seat belts ‘cos the turbulence is so bad it’d flip the plane upside down...” I was thinking that’s another 3 mins of expensive movie viewing time lost. To make matters worse the touch screens were so crap one requires a hammer to adjust settings on the head rest monitor. Got to see The Florida Project and Phantom Thread though. The former was a gem, especially the kids. So natural, did not seem like acting. The scene at the end was heartbreaking but like 2018’s crappiest movie, Annihilation, the director did not quite know how to wrap it up. The acting in Phantom Thread was joyous. Now I get why Daniel Day-Lewis is held in such high esteem. Brilliant, brilliant acting.

On the outbound trip I never knew we had that many Russians in South Sudan. Apart from my delegation consisting of five black persons other passengers were either Russian or Chinese. FlyDubai is so ghetto nearly everyone on board was drunk before they boarded. It appears if you’ve flown them before the only way to survive the 5-hr trip from Juba to Dubai is get plastered prior to boarding. At some point the guy seated behind me was shirtless. Yup, that crazy. The guy in my delegation responsible for booking the flights was also drunk. He was so wasted that while sleeping he moved his hands around like a windmill the poor dude beside him had to be relocated to another row. The dude did not help himself by drinking further during the 5-hr layover in Dubai, so we had to ensure one of the team sat beside him to prevent an international incident from erupting. As expected, he did his windmill routine again, so our colleague had to punch him in the ribs a few times to startle him awake.

Of the seven nights I spent out of Juba I slept in an actual bed on only 3 of those nights. Cannot tell you much about any Russian city as I was busy hopping from one city to another for meetings. Arrived in Moscow about 7am on Monday May 7^th, left Moscow for Tomsk at 11pm same day, 4 hr flight (and 4 hr time difference) clocked arrival time at Tomsk at 7am on Tuesday the 8^th, napped for a few hours then went for a meeting and then dinner. On Wednesday the 9^th took an hour-long flight to some place beginning with an S, had a 6hr layover, then another 4hr flight (and a further 2hr time difference) to arrive at Blagoveschensk at 7am on Thursday May 10^th. Drove 3.5hrs from Blagoveschensk airport to a facility in Novoburejskiy, held 2 hr meeting, stopped for lunch, then drove 4.5hrs back to hotel at Blagoveschensk. Left the next day on a 7.5hr flight back to Moscow, did some souvenir shopping and got myself a bright pink travel pillow. Why pink? ‘Cos that was only travel pillow left, and besides real men wear pink, no? Departed for Dubai at 2pm on Saturday May 12^th after a brief meeting earlier that day. The Russian airports and flights were pretty much okay except for flight from that S place to Blagoveschensk. That was some rickety plane, so much so midway into flight I was shocked outta slumber by heat wave. Perhaps the airline staff assumed ‘cos there were Africans on board we’d enjoy the heat. Had to request they turn it down. Attempted to get a massage in Moscow but guy at hotel reception warned that only pervy massage places were close to hotel so I declined. Even worse, as soon as I checked into room at Hotel Asia in Blagoveschensk there was a leaflet advertising a strip club and a there was a pack of condoms on bedside table for purchase. I have heard of mini bars in hotel rooms, but condoms as well?!

Dunno what the travel agent was thinking with 13-hr layover on return trip but had to book a room at Dubai International Hotel and by the time I navigated the labyrinth that is Dubai airport and got to my room it was almost midnight. Even crap Kenya Airways would provide one accommodation for that long a layover! Or so I thought. Arrived in Nairobi on way to Lagos only to be informed I did not qualify for the usual overnight accommodation ‘cos I purchased my biz class ticket with a combination of reward miles and cash. What the?! Recall a couple of years ago they also prevented me from using the lounge at the Lagos airport ‘cos I purchased those tickets with miles as well. What’s the point of the miles in the first place? Next time I do not have any business in Nairobi I plan to become a habitué of Rwandair. Punks. Got some McDs and slept fitfully for 4hrs before catching flight from Dubai to Juba. Got to my apartment, packed for next day’s trip to Kampala and knocked off. Phew!

The Russia trip in May was first time I’ve flown into Dubai airport and it suckssss, well Terminal 2 anyway. On day we arrived from Juba El Clasico was to be played but there was no sports bar anywhere in sight. Paid to use the Marhaba lounge and even they weren’t showing footie so used their WiFi to stream the game. At a cost of $55 for 2 hours that was an expensive football viewing experience.

Need to return to Russia to properly experience the country. Still shocked that in 2018 random folk would see a set of black people and ask to take pics. Stopped by a shop on way to Blagoveschensk to buy some snacks and this dude stared at us so much he nearly ran into a door. On first day in Moscow some dude asked for a photo while we were leaving for the airport. “Are you American?”, he asked. “No, Nigerian”, I answered. Dude had no idea what that meant. Hope the presence of the Nigerian football team at the last World Cup made things easier so next time I am in Russia folk know basic facts about my country of birth. Good thang about the trip is I got to rock my fancy winter jacket at Tomsk. Arrived in 1C and snow….in May!

Russia is such a complex country: 6hr time differences with the same country…..8hr flights within the same country…business meeting where host had a calendar with nude women in his office….got to see China from Blagoveschensk – it’s only a 15 minute ferry ride. Incredible! Mostly stuffed myself with treats I would not get in Juba so had Shake Shack, Burger King, McDs – which the Russians cheekily call the US Embassy – and KFC. Returned to Juba 2kgs over weight. Did try local dishes like borscht soup and sour cream too.

All in all, it was a pleasant trip and had a few laughs as well. Due to postponement of trip a few times I arrived Moscow with a week to go before visa expired. I reckon that’s why I was asked to step aside at immigration control for about an hour before I was let through. Later discovered the immigration officers made a copy of passport biopage and showed it to any black person they could find in the arrival area until my colleague, who thankfully speaks Russian, identified me and confirmed I would be departing before visa expires. What a world.

Shall tell y’all about South African trip next time. Harriet’s beckoning me for dinner. Yup, she’s moved in now.

Tot ziens and God bless.