Miss G’s C&M ministry

Hola peeps. Puedo funcionar, pero no puedo ocultar. What am I referring to? Keep reading. But first, I wanna send my props to Bron Bron for kicking The Pistons’ collective arses. Note to Rasheed Wallace: Guess the sun’s really beaming on the dog’s arse this time, huh? Still, I am hoping The Spurs take the NBA title.

What a way to begin a blog, huh? Hey, u can’t blame me for being giddy about basketball. What with my footie season ending in February, no thanks to Arsenal. Now that the Nigerian punk arse team lost to Uganda I can’t be bothered about footie anymore……at least ‘til the next season starts. Lol…I am so easy. That’s why I am glad I wasn’t born a woman; I probably woulda been looser than Lucy, if u are to believe the late Rick James. Peep this: whenever I am not in a relationship and just dating, once every other year for about a week I get the urge to act like a woman. U know shave my legs and……get ur perverted minds out the gutter! What I meant by “act like a woman” is being pursued instead of doing the pursuing. I do the typical thangs women do when they playing hard to get: never kiss on the first date, act nonchalant when chicks call, etc. For some reason more chicks come flocking by then. Almost like my nonchalance is some sorta pheromone. If I could I’d bottle it and make millions outta it, but going back to what I alluded to earlier, I am too easy. I eventually cave in and go back to my Neanderthal (geddit? geddit? cave and Neanderthal? Aw, forget yous.) “Me man, me must pay for meals. Me must call woman back…” mode. Women of the world, watch out. Now that I have shared this with all men out there ur days of getting ur way are over. I have a dream that one day some young guy would read this blog and dedicate his life to researching ways of not caving in too easily. I have a dream that said dude would publish his findings for all men to read and……..hopefully, I can sue his pilfering arse for royalties. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Okay, now that my Martin Luther King moment is over let’s get on to the news.

Family news: Spoke to my sis Nike yesterday, and is typical of my relatives, I did the calling.

Tunde: Just heard u guys are gonna be travelling to Nigeria for Kinzo’s wedding?
Nike: Oh u didn’t know. Well, u always the last to find stuff out in the house anyways. Hee. Hee.
Tunde (*thinking to himself: “Man, she’s lucky she’s my sister, else…”*)
Nike: Chief was in England recently and dude was just so happy to see his grandkids he said he wants them at Kinzo’s wedding, and is paying for their air fare. We’ll have to fork out dough for ours, but still, I’m quite impressed by the gesture. Never seen dude so happy.

That got me thinking. Grandkids, huh? Nike, etc seem to be in Chief’s good books ‘cos of grandkids. I once saw a movie with Leslie Nielsen called, Rent A Kid. Hmmmm. After I smacked myself over the head for being that dumb I finally got it. Every parent wants to spend as much time with grandkids as possible. Hey, they might have screwed up their kids’ lives but they have been handed a mulligan by God with the birth of grandkids. Reckon it was the same with my grandmas as well. Both my grandfathers passed away before I was born – hence the name Babatunde. Duh! – but knew both grandmothers. Well, not exactly ‘knew’ them as we didn’t have much of a relationship b4 they passed away but guess they were happy to spend time with us kids as well.

Paternal grandma died when I was real young, while maternal grandma passed away in my teenage years. In all that time most I can remember about her was branding some dog we had, Siddon look “’cos wetin this ur yeye dog dey do na to siddon and look.” Lol….and like all great nicknames, this sobriquet stuck, and from then on the dog was forever known as Siddon look. Come to think about it, grandma was probably a comedic genius way ahead of her time. Recently thought about that name again and cracked up. Decided that when I get a pet I’m gonna name it something weird like That piece of s%$t. I can imagine all the fun I’d have.

Mate: Hey Tunde, what happened to that cute dog?
Tunde: Oh, u mean That piece of s%$t? She passed away last week. Sob. Sob. She was like a daughter to me, I miss That piece of s%$t so much.
Mate: Okay, sure, whatever u say….

Imagine using the same thought process in applying for a job. Can u imagine the look on ur resume doctor’s face when u show him ur resume with email addresses such as, masterdrunk@yahoo.com, drugdealerbaby@hotmail.com, hideurdaughtersiamfreeandreadytomingle@gmail.com, kissmyblackuknowwhat@yahoo.co.uk?

“Dear sir, can u help me out I dunno what the problem is? I applied to the NAACP and they wouldn’t call me up for an interview. So what if my email address is: Icantstandblackpople@whitepower.com? I think they discriminating against me.” Lol….

PH news: Mate who wants to get married is doing the annoying I just got engaged/married couple thang by trying to reconcile ex and I. Being the true romantic he is, he’s also hedging his bets by attempting to hook me up with his fiancee’s best mate, u know just in case his original plan doesn’t pan out. Teased dude that maybe he’s trying to save wedding costs by ensuring we get hitched on same day at same venue. Dude thought about it for a while and replied, “U know what? That’s not such a bad plan. How does December 26th work for u?”

Dude still hasn’t proposed and is keeping receipt of ring just in case it doesn’t fit his girlfriend’s ring finger. That’s another way movies lie to us. In the movies dude proposes to chick, pulls out ring from his breast pocket, chick gets all teary-eyed as ring is placed on her finger and is a perfect fit. In reality, except ur girlfriend is a pimp, i.e. wears gold rings on most of her fingers, how’s one supposed to know what size girlfriend’s fingers are? Everyone loves surprises, so though girlfriend would be happy once u propose she’s bound to expect a well-fitting ring as well, ‘cos that’s what the movies have taught her to expect. Thinking of writing a 5 step guide to discovering girlfriend’s ring size. Screw it, here goes:
1. Ask her best mate. Now knowing women, best mate’s gonna be too excited to keep surprise in so she’s still gonna spill ur secret. Worse, if best mate’s one of those chicks that feel they need to get married b4 all their friends she might jeopardize ur chances or make a pass at u.
2. Wait until girlfriend’s asleep and then try to gauge ring size by putting a string or rubber band around finger. If girlfriend’s a light sleeper and wakes up with u tying a string around her finger she might think u up to some perverted shenanigans ur buddies at the bar told u about, and kick u outta bed.
3. U’d forego all that mystery, romantic ish and come right out and say, “Babes, I love u and want to spend the rst of my life with u. I was gonna get u the perfect ring, but there’s too much pressure on us guys nowadays to get things right.” Then turn away, squirt some onions in ur eyes, and pretend to weep. She’d be so impressed u’d get her any size of ring and she won’t mind. Then again, she’d think u a wuss for crying and dump u for ur best mate Harry Osborn.
4. Er, that’s how far I have gotten so far. As I get more ideas I shall publish them.

Tunde’s weird relationship news: U know how I wrote about not talking to ugly girls anymore? Well, maybe I jumped the gun a tad bit. U see since I published that blog I’ve been inundated with calls from folk wanting to hook me up. Yes, even more than usual! Yesterday alone my fav aunt, a mate, and another mate’s wife that I have a crush on – yeah, just got over crush on Loye’s hot girlfriend and now this. That’s my life, I guess.

As is typical of my relatives I did the calling.

Aunt: Tunde, long time. U in Lagos?
Tunde: No. But plan to be in Lagos soon.
Aunt: Cool, gimme a call when u get in. Need to talk to u about something.
Tunde (*thinking: “Hmmm, what’s mom said I’ve done this time?”*): Er, what exactly would that be?
Aunt: Ha. U know…
Tunde: No, I don’t know.
Aunt: Well, I have this young friend I feel u’d get along with and …..
Tunde: Lol…u know that ain’t gonna happen. Interested in only Asian girls now, so if she ain’t Asian u can send my regrets.

Now b4 my black sisters out there kill me that was just an excuse to get her off my back. What are the odds of her knowing any Asian chicks in Lagos? That said, if y’all know anyone that looks like Parminder Nagra or Aishwarya Rai I’d not be opposed to saying hello…….and professing my undying love and asking for their hand in marriage. Hee. Hee.

Anyways, so there I am wondering gameplans family members construct to set me up when I get a call from mate.

Mate: Dude, I am with Miss B and she says she has a friend in PH that’s dying to meet u……
Tunde: Slow ur roll, son. Tell her I am not interested, but if her friend won’t mind cooking me a meal sometime…
Mate: Lol….not to worry I was gonna tell u I’d told her u’d not be interested anyways. U see I saw her pic and she ain’t fine.
Tunde: Dude, u aiight man. If u read my blog u’d know I just commented on stuff like that. U a true friend. If u keep looking after for my interests like this I just might make u godfather of my gorgeous kids. Then, if I see ur kids aren’t bad looking either I just might set my son up with ur daughter. Or don’t u want good genes in ur family?
Mate: Lol…anyways, remember Miss S that I was with at ur sister’s wedding? She says to ask u if u’d be interested in hooking up with one of her friends. This friend was at the wedding as well.
Tunde: That’s it, no godfather post for u! U had me there for a minute, way to lull me into a false sense of security. U say said hookee was at my sister’s wedding? I know I was busy running around, but if she was all that she’da left an impression and only chick that did that was Miss May – yes, Miss May don’t get swollen headed if u read this!.
Mate: I am sorry, I just thought…
Tunde: Nah, no need to apologize u still ain’t becoming godfather to my kids. Peep this: I attended mate Alo’s wedding in the UK in the fall of 2003 and there wa some some chick there wearing a lovely brown number. Fast-forward to January 2006 when I attended a li’l shindig in Nigeria and saw same chick. It was almost 3 years since the first time I saw her, but I remembered who she was. Now that’s what u call an impression! Capisci?

Was about to commence my soon-to-be patented six-pack exercises when mate’s wife (yeah, the one I have a huge crush on) called.

Mate’s wife: My brother from another mother, how u doing?
Tunde: Girl who’da been my kissing cuz, I am fine. What’s going on? How’s my mate?
Mate’s wife: WE are fine. Guess what? I have got this mate who fancies the pants off u.
Tunde: Here we go again. Babes, I don’t wanna bore u with what my day’s been like, but……
Mate’s wife: Hold on, hold on. She’s real nice and….
Tunde: Okay ‘cos it’s u I’ll listen to the rest of what u have to say. Is she pretty?
Mate’s wife: Well, I won’t describe her as pretty PRETTY, but looks ain’t everything. She’s real smart and funny and….
Tunde: Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha. I hate to plagiarize Jerry Maguire here but u lost me at “..but looks ain’t everything.” Anytime anybody gives a descriptive variance of “beauty is not everything” u know they talking about something/someone as ogglllliiieeee as an oompa loompa.

As Chris Rock said, “Whatever u don’t like would most likely become a member of ur family. If u hate gays, ur son would end up gay. If u hate Latinos, ur daughter will marry one…” That’s why I think I may have, er, over-reacted on the ugly chicks thang. I publish a blog about it and all of a sudden everyone wants to hook me up with ugly chicks. Dear bloggers, I recant my previous musings about ugly chicks. Am I forgiven? Good.

As if to console myself I went to my Facebook page to look at profiles of ex and her cuz I had a massive crush on – yes, the story of my life.

Oh yeah, I finally registered on Facebook after constant emails from mates/acquaintances/enemies to sign up. Didn’t have the strength to resist anymore ‘cos didn’t wanna get similar barrage of emails like I did after same folk registered on hi5.

So I am checking ex-girlfriend N’s profile and thinking to myself: Boy, she still looks amazing after all these years. Awww, there’s also a pic of her kid. How cute. That’da been my kid u know….hold on, kid’s not mixed-race so it’d not have been my kid, but u know what I mean. Ha. U see, I’d have no fear of ending up with an ugly chick.

Then I go to the profile of her cute cuz: Awww, she has a pic of her kid as well. There’s no pic of her but to have a daughter this cute I am sure she’s still as gorgeous as I remember. Dude, even ur crushes are drop dead gorgeous. C’mon u good, no way u ending up with an ugly chick. Even if u drunk – and u don’t drink!- ur Spidey sense would kick if an ugly chick came within 50 meters of u. Relax mon, everyting ire..

Was still relishing in my new found Facebook world and kicking myself for not signing up sooner when from one mate’s profile to another’s I saw ex-girlfriend P’s profile: Woah, she still looks ace. I hear she’s married with a kid now. Good on her, I am sure she’s an excellent wife and mother. I know we didn’t end on the most pleasant of circumstances but I am sure she wouldn’t mind if I sent her a message.

So I search for the right words and my foolish self decides to send a one line joke. I get a response that wipes the smirk from my face. It’s a li’l too strong to publish here, but it went a li’l something like: F&%k u. Who do u think u are acting all familiar like we friends or something. U are a cold, cowardly bastard and I feel sorry for whoever u end up with…..I am married 5 years now with a daughter, and the man I married is so loving, unlike u. He helped me get over u and like that Boyz II Men song goes: “I am doing just fine, getting along very well without u in my life…”

Ouch. Double ouch. I knew she hated me, but thought 7 years woulda healed some of the hurt. I guess not. In all honesty though, I deserved EVERYTHING she said about me…and more. I treated her worse than shite, and I have been trying to make up for it ever since, even with girls I have dated after her. Guess that was the niggrraarr phase of my life. Man, I was cruel. Miss P was drop-dead gorgeous, so much so that when my sister saw her she called me aside and teased, “She’s real pretty. What’s she doing with ur punk arse?” Needless to say that sis is not getting invited to my inauguration as President of Nigeria.

Seriously though, I felt awful after we ended and I tried for years to learn how she was faring from a mutual friend, but “she just cut her eyes at me.” Lol…only Miguel would understand that line. It was from someone else I discovered about her husband and daughter. I responded to her message by apologizing for all my actions, but guess it’s a li’l too late.

I had kinda hoped it’d be like in the movies where dude contacts his exs, they slammed doors in his face, send dogs after him, etc, but in the end they become friends. Guess that’d never happen with Miss P. If there’s positives to take from this they are: (1) one’d be careful the way they treat others; (2) now I know I had a bad niggrraarr phase so I’d not laff at niggrraarr friends anymore; (3) with Miss P getting stuff off her chest there’s only Miss E is the remaining ex that I know hates my guts, and the feeling’s mutual. That said….ain’t no way I am looking up her profile in Facebook.

Tot ziens and God bless.