Cool romantic

Hola peeps. ¿Conjetura quién está detrás? U know how my blog entries are real looooonnnng? Finally realized I got that skill from my mom ‘cos while chatting on issue of marriage she went on and on for about 2 hours. I kid thee not. Man, that woman had loads to get off her chest. I’da figured it earlier in life ‘cos this woman lives to write loooonnnngggg letters.

Each time discover new stuff about self: Finally realized I can skip – with a skip rope - with both feet off ground at same time. Huh? Isn’t that the way most folk skip? Yeah, but for the life of me I never could do that. Always did the horse gallop thang while everyone else skipped ‘normally’. Not surprised at that ‘cos didn’t learn to whistle ‘til a few years ago.

Okay sorry to digress but so happy I just had to share that.

So what exactly did mom and I talk about? Well, this and that. Discovered she’s got a prayer list she declared to God for 2007 and so far most of the prayers have been answered. Discovered Tunde getting married before end of 2007 is one of the bullet points. Thought she was joking, but no, mama is serious. Even after laffing about it and telling her to go talk to God again she still drops random statements like, “Don’t choose December as wedding month ‘cos loadsa my friends are busy then….” For the life of me I dunno what else to do. Guess she’ll back down eventually…….hopefully.

Time in Lagos was cool ’cos mom and I bonded like never before….and we didn’t have one argument, which is weird for us. Over the years I’d perfected a subtle technique of never taking a seat when she asks me into her room for talks ‘cos that’d encourage her to go on and on. I’d stand and if it goes on for longer than 9 minutes I’d slowly back my way to the door and work the door handle. At the sound of which, mommy dearest knows she has to round up whatever urgent matter we discussing. This time around I didn’t move an inch, I let her talk and talk. Hey, her daughters are married and her favourite son (okay only son) is in PH saving the world, she’s probably missed conversating with someone. I’m sure the help is glad I’m around ‘cos in her bid to chat I’m sure she must rant and rave for hours anytime dude commits a minor infraction. “So u put the trays in the wrong place again? Man, what am I gonna do with u………(1 hour later) u see my son would never do that, even though punk doesn’t wanna get married yet…..(3 hours later) u see since I had that boy he’s been nada but pain, he’s the only guy who’ll decide to shave all his hair off, only guy who’ll decide to get his ears pierced……(5 hours later) u see the thang about global warming is…” Y’all catch my drift?

As discussed in last blog while in Lagos power supply and traffic was atrocious. So went out sparingly. Finally hooked up with mate from primary school who called me outta the blue in December last year. When I got the call thought it was someone having me on but she recalled minutiae of moi, siblings and teachers I had to take her word for it - apparently I had a huge gap in front teeth back in Primary 3 and 4. Who woulda thunk? Anyways we meet up at her mate’s in Lagos – she’s based in Abuja – and felt awful ‘cos she remembered all these things about me and all I’d do was nod ‘cos couldn’t recall her face let alone anything about her. To make matters even worse I wasn’t ace company ‘cos was dealing with stuff so text messages came in fast and furious and had to respond to them just as quickly. I’m sure chick musta been thinking, “whatever happened to that cute dude in primary school who used to gimme half his tangerine?”

Lol……guess that’s what happens when folk try to hook up with crushes from primary school. Met up with first ever crush some years back and chick who I remembered from Primary 5 as Ebony Queen, was not as fine as I recalled 15 years on. After that got in contact with another primary school mate I hadn’t seen in ages and chick assured me she looked like Jennifer Lopez. “J.Lo, huh? I’m more inclined towards Salma Hayek, but guess a J.Lo-lookalike’s not so bad….”, or so I thought. Let’s just say when I saw her it was more J.Nooooooooooooo than J.Lo. Come to think of it she had a Jay Leno thang going on as well. Lol…guess there’s something fairytaley (yes, that’s a new word) about hooking up with an old crush, but more Shrek fairytaley than Sleeping Beauty fairytaley if u know what I mean.

What else did I get up to in Lagos? Hung out with a few mates and saw just two movies this time. Missed out on first 15 minutes of 300 ‘cos was stuck in traffic, but thoroughly enjoyed rest of the movie…..even though I wanted to smack in the head of 2 dudes in row ahead of me who took it upon themselves to provide running commentary through out the length of the movie. Wasn’t as bad as when I saw The Last King of Scotland at same cinema. Then, I sat just below the projectionist’s window and the dude just wouldn’t shut up. Seems he’d snuck in a guest into his cubicle so he narrated the movie to him/her in Yoruba. Bobo Idi Amin yi, o like obinrin ga’n… Man, that ruined an otherwise lovely movie for me.

Also saw Ghost Rider and sadly, I watched the entire movie. I keep giving Nicolas Cage chance after chance but dude keeps delivering turkeys. I loved reading the Ghost Rider comics as a kid and was really looking forward to the movie. Movie was utter crap. Best thang about it? The chick that played a younger version of Eva Mendes’ character. Yup, even Eva Mendes wasn’t her usual steaming hot self. The movie was the only sour point on what turned out to be a marvellous Sunday.

Returned to PH on Monday and was welcomed to the apartment by the sight of dead roaches everywhere. Hey, I’d been away for near on 5 weeks – 3 weeks on the R.I.G. and 10 days in Lagos – so it’s expected. If I had to nominate a Man of the Year it’d be the guy I hired to fumigate the crib. It’s been almost 6 months and still the effects of his handiwork are there for all me to see. Whatever concoction he sprayed around the crib it sure is working a treat, only wall geckos seem immune to this stuff – observed a toad that had croaked (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) in guest bathroom - and that’s probably ‘cos they hardly stay put in one place. Man, fumigator’s spray is so effective I once convinced myself he’s the modern day Pied Piper – yes, the dude off the children’s story, not R. Kelly – ‘cos I would return home from a hard day at the poles to find roaches lying on their backs in front of my room….in an orderly fashion, almost as if they had been planted there by Mark Fuhrman. To ensure I wasn’t suffering from side-effects of Whitney Houston’s ‘medication’ I changed the locks on the doors, but still discovered dead roaches everywhere. Oh man, what a sight. Can’t remember the last time I soiled the soles of my flip flops with roach splatter. Dr. Bakura, if u reading this, u are The Man, Tunde’s nomination for The Man of the Year, even though we still in the month of April.

‘Cos I had been away for so long discovered I had clothes that had to be laundered. Couldn’t locate stray help – dude that showed up on my doorstep one day asking if he’d help around the house – so obtained some generic brand detergent from neighbour and set about washing clothes. No sooner had I soaked clothes that I observed detergent lather had turned green. “Jumping Jehosephat, Batman”, I exclaimed in my best Robin impersonation, “there must be a piece of clothing with colors that run”. Turns out all I had soaked were my whites! Soaked colored clothes later and same occurrences was observed. What sorta dodgy detergent is this? Only in PH.

More PH news: Was hungry so mate – seems he’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was….more on that later - and I decide to get a bite at a popular fast food joint.

Tunde: I would like the #8 please, the combo meal.
Attendant [*with a Shaniqua (from MARTIN) hairstyle*]: Sure, sir. That’s the meal that comes with 2 pieces of chicken, a small pack of fries and a bottle of soft drink, right? Would that be eat-in or takeway? What drink would u like?
Tunde: Take-away please. I would like a Fanta. Thanks.

(Meal takes an age to get served so entertain myself by playing peek-a-boo with my six-pack)

Attendant: Here’s ur meal, sir. That will be 700 Naira.
Tunde: There u go. Hold on, I said I wasn’t eating in yet u gave me a drink in a glass bottle.
Attendant: Yes, ur meal comes with a bottled drink.
Tunde: I understand that, but u see I am taking the food out of here. U have Fanta in plastic bottles, dontcha? Good. Now get me one of those.
Attendant: Sorry sir, but ur meal comes with a drink in a glass bottle. Can’t u see the picture of the meal up on the display?
Tunde: Lol…..yes, I know, but u don’t expect me to take the glass bottle home with me, do u? Oh, I see from the look on ur face that u do. Okay, what’s the markup on the plastic bottle and I’ll pay that?
Attendant: Sorry sir, but if u want the plastic bottle of Fanta u’d have to purchase it separately. Ur meal comes with a……
Tunde: I know. I know. Thank u, I’ll take my Fanta in a GLASS BOTTLE with me, and when I’m done I’ll use the empty bottle to harass folk in traffic. Good enough for u?
Attendant: Sir, it’s not my fault ur meal comes with a………

Okay back to my previously marriage-ready mate. Turns out dude’s girlfriend’s been visiting every weekend. On one of these visits dude felt so tight with her he opened up about the chicks he had dated in PH. They hadn’t hooked up then so it wasn’t like dude was cheating, so why tell her this unsolicited? Dunno, guess the meal she made was so off the ying yang it loosened his tongue. His chick then asked to meet any of the girls; she said she wanted to see the sorta women he had left for her. Woah. My mate obliged her request, and when I asked how his girlfriend reacted after ‘the meeting’ he said she acted normally. “Normally as in I’m cool with this normally, or normally as in Lemme garnish ur next meal with rat poison normally”, I asked. Dude cracked up.

Dunno chick’s reasons for that strange request, but not sure I’d acquiesce if I was in mate’s shoes. Peep this, the other day I woke up in a cold sweat – okay sweat was warm ‘cos there was no power – ‘cos had a dream where I’d to judge a beauty pageant where contestants were ex-girlfriends. That’s enough trauma to last a lifetime. Lol…..reminds me of a mate who introduced himself to his ex’s new boyfriend, his replacement if u will, as “Yemi’s ex”. Was so funny I still tease him about it till date. Us humans don’t intend to, but if one gets wind of the fact that one’s ex is seeing someone new one’s bound to be curious about replacement measuring up to one. Okay her new boyfriend’s taller, wittier, better looking, wealthier and more romantic than me, but bet he can’t spit an orange seed as far as I can…. Meeting a replacement who’s cross-eyed, hunch-backed, and suffers from a severe case of halitosis and body odour would be the ideal scenario. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Politics: The Presidential elections are scheduled for Saturday and another public holiday has been declared for the eve of the elections. Apparently a public holiday, not government policies that improve peeps’ lives, is a sine qua non for successful voter turn out in Nigerian elections. Let’s pray we get the right folk this time so hopefully in 4 years I don’t replay this exchange I had with a mate two days ago.

Mate: I am glad the elections have come and gone. I don’t care who won my state, I just want the incumbent to leave. Man, it’s so bad his 16 years in charge have been an exercise in futility.
Tunde: 16 years in charge? Surely, u meant to say 8 years.
Mate: Nah, dude’s rule has been so atrocious he’s taken us two steps back in every way, hence my statement.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Yeah, forgot to mention why I think mate’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was. Before I went to the R.I.G. all I heard from him was marriage this, marriage that. Dude’s expecting a windfall soon so I ask him if he’s gonna buy a ring with some of the money and dude scoffs at the idea. A month ago that woulda been considered a form of sacrilege.

PPS
Was thinking of response to Ms. May’s questions in last blog entry and another way I’d improve children’s learning ability is to include a Word for the Day in presidential broadcasts. Any kid that can text in the meaning of the word quickest gets a scholarship. Peep this:

President Tunde (*addressing the nation dressed in a pimped-out red suit; platinum grills in mouth; conflict-free diamond stud in earlobe; and spewing out words as fast as TWISTA ‘cos the presidential jet’s on standby for weekly flight to the UK to catch the Arsenal game*): My fellow Nigerians…blah blah blah…..the word for today is ILLEISM. Dunno what it means? Here’s a clue. Celebrities, especially US sports stars, have been known to indulge in acts of illeism. I suspect they use it ‘cos they either narcissistic or have a God-complex…or maybe ‘cos some of them usually “don’t be winning stuff” they need to find a way to keep our attention focused on them. U know what? I think it’s a fab idea. So fab in fact I indulged in similar acts when I was younger. I remember the following exchange between my dad and I back in 2007.

Dad: Tunde, when u getting married?
Tunde: Tunde doesn’t need to get hitched right now ‘cos with his killer 6-pack Tunde’s having way too much fun running honey down his slick abs.