If I see Tom Crise on my TV again, I swear I'll........

Hola peeps. ¿Usted ha estado hasta cualquier cosa que interesaba? Me? U know, the same ol’ same ol’. Girlfriend’s cool and it’s been over 7 weeks since we began this exhilarating relationship. Next week, we match her record for the length of a relationship. Yup, she’s so excited I think I just might let her go all the way………and drive to my crib on her own. Hey, since the robbery incident, I don’t feel comfortable with her driving to my crib alone! B4 u say anything I know, I know; I’m the world’s best boyfriend, right?

Yeah, speaking of robberies I saw some guy get jacked in traffic last week and felt awful as peeps just drove by. This was about 7.45pm. Man, felt so awful my feet were shaking for a few minutes afterwards, and kept turning my head around like a chicken – or like Whitney after Bobby Brown’s smacked her around - at every single sound. This is no way to live. Earlier in the day I discovered my spare tyre musta been swapped by one of the 2 mechanics I used, but didn’t know which to accuse. Cos of all the stress I went to bed as soon as I got home. Where was the high and mighty Tunde who told Nigerians abroad that choosing not to return to Nigeria cos of security reasons is a cop-out, as every country has their peculiar problems? I need to do something; I can’t stand by and let these things happen and hear peeps say, “Welcome to Lagos, it happens.” Nah, something must be done. Anyone know where I can find some mystical dude who can teach me martial arts and get me a cape? Then I’d be Nigeria’s first superhero. I’ll have my costume in my ride and attack any criminals I see jacking peeps on the road. Hey, wait a minute, who’ll watch my ride while I’m out helping others? Hmmmm. Yep, I’d be the first superhero who’ll have to hitch rides off peeps as mine will be at the mechanic’s. Seriously, what can I do; any suggestions?

Find myself praying about the state of affairs in Nigeria, and console myself by reminiscing about the good things God has granted to us Nigerians. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that we have churches on every corner in this country; we’d be much worse without God’s help. Y’all heard that some governors are subtly (read: telling every reporter in sight) sending out feelers to gauge public perception on their intention to extend the President’s term (and theirs) by two more years? Their excuse? They want a chance to “continue the good work they started”. Can u believe it? Most of these guys are serving their 2nd term, wanna tell me what they failed to do in 8 years can be accomplished in 10? Bloody punks. Some deputy governor, when questioned about property in the US documented to be his, claimed it belonged to his 12 yr old son! Imagine the gall. Was chatting to my Ugandan mate the other day - and they having similar problems as the incumbent president’s ‘thinking’ of extending his stay - and he said some minister suggested the top brass get new 4x4 cars as the roads are bad and that could encourage a terrorist attack on their lives. OBTW this was before the recent spate of London bombings. I know this sounds crass and the peeps I’m referring to have families, but one can’t help but think that terrorists should be ‘guided’ in choosing their victims. Maybe I’d start a pseudo matchmaking agency for terrorists to select corrupt ass politicians. Imagine the interest in such a venture. Anyone in? We could even have a reality show based on this premise.

Ooops, knew I’da published this blog earlier. The girlfriend and I just had our first tiff, and it was as a result of having differing political opinions. Yep, that’s what u get when two brainy gorgeous peeps try to outdo each other. When are we (brainy gorgeous peeps) gonna learn just to shut up and bother about lesser matters in life such as personal grooming? Oh well. After our tiff I needed to vent and turned on the radio to see if some sweet sweet music could ease my worries. Guess what was playing? Macho Man by The Village People. Man, I digged that song as a kid. Anyways, I didn’t know the lyrics to any of the verses, but I sure wasn’t gonna miss out on the chorus. Macho macho mannnn, I wanna be a macho mannnn, macho macho mannnnn, I wanna be a macho.., I sang, at the top of my voice. Then, I listened more intently, and as the song’s dying out u can hear: Macho macho mannnn, yeah, I wanna be a macho mannn, see the hair on my chest, macho macho mannn, my thick moustache, yeah, my broad shoulders, yeah, people wanna pump my body…. Huh? Yep. No wonder peeps were laffing for days when in the late 90s one of the Village People said he was coming outta the closet. Man, if all their songs are like Macho Man then all the group musta been gay. Psssst, don’t tell anyone, but I still like the song. Yeah, macho macho mannnn….

Hey, speaking of songs, y’all have obviously seen the videos to R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet, right? Man, Dave Chappelle was right: that man R. Kelly can write a love song about anything. Woah! Say what u want about the guy, but he’s a genius. Call him a paedophile, call him R&B’s answer to Michael Jackson, call him the Pied Piper whose flute leads li’l girls astray, call him the Confused Corn-rowed Crooner (am I the only one who thought ..come on and braid my hair.. had nada to do with the subject matter of I Wish?), call him whatever u want, but the dude’s goooood. So good in fact, that he’s inspired me to release the entire contents of my blog as a song. Yep, u read that right, the whole blog as ONE song. It’ll be a long ass song but if Meatloaf can get away with I’ll Do Anything For Love, But I Won’t Do That - the song title’s long enuff for a song – then I’m taking my chance. It’ll be a hit I tell u.

Still on the subject of singers I saw MTV Cribs the other day and Craig David was on. Nice crib and all, but the important thang is Craig said he’s 23 years old. Yep, he’s no longer 20. Big up Craig. Anyways, gotta go and make up with the girlfriend. Tot ziens and……wait a minute, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are on TV again. Damn, just threw my food at the TV cos was so irritated. Man, hearing them talk about their love is puke-inducing. It’s almost Stepfordlike. I’m serious, this scientology shit’s affecting Katie. I mean this is Tom Cruise for goodness sake. I swear the next time I see them on my TV professing their love for each other I’ll chop my left leg off and bludgeon Tom Cruise. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Tot ziens and God bless.

Mental tickle

Hola peeps. Que haces? Bien? Agradable saber. Man, I got robbed. Yep, was stuck in traffic for over 2 hours on Monday when some punk ass punk pointed a sawed-off shotgun in my face.

Always fancied myself as Nigeria’s answer to Bruce Willis: good-looking, bald and having the foresight to cheat on Demi Moore (aka Botox Queen with xtra white teeth) knowing she’d hang out with Ashton Kutcher. Actually imagined being able to give a wise crack when facing barrel of a gun. Instead, I acted aiight, but if my girlfriend hadn’t been in the car I’da screamed like a bitch.

Was showing my girlfriend the new booty shake I’d worked on over the weekend, and chatting to her about how sure I was that the number of lorries on the road was responsible for the traffic, when I noticed guys in front of me abandon their cars and run like crazy. Looked in my rearview mirror and saw a guy going from car to car robbing peeps. Immediately told my girlfriend what was happening and suggested she hide her phones so I’d give him mine. Instaed, she turned off all phones, including mine, and that was a good thing ‘cos if the guy had seen my phone he’da shot me for having such a, erm, retro phone. Anyways, the guy bangs on my window and I roll it down.

Thief: (with a shotgun cartridge held between his teeth) Pahm mud u bugh!
Tunde: Huh?
Thief: (after smacking me across the face) Ig tug pahm mud u bugh!!
Tunde: (thinking to himself) Damn, that hurt, but I can’t cry as my girlfriend thinks I’m macho. Man, I’dn’t have lied to her that I have a black belt in karate.
Girlfriend: Please give him the bag.
I pass her bag to the punk.
Thief: Urgh thrit, ur thrit!
Tunde: Huh?
Girlfriend: He wants ur shirt!
Tunde: (thinking to himself while taking his shirt off) My shirt? What’s up with this punk? One’d think a shirt would be the least of his problems. It’d help if this guy took the cartridge outta his mouth so I can hear what he’s saying. Hey, maybe he’s a stammerer or has a speech impediment and that’s why he’s got the stuff in his mouth. Hmmm, ever wonder what it’d be like to have a stammerer on a sports talk show? Might be hilarious.

By the time I took my shirt off the guy had moved to a jeep ahead of me, broke the passenger window, stole a laptop and crossed to the other side of the road. Then, he stopped a bus filled with passengers and proceeded to rob everyone. All this time I’m thinking to myself, “one guy, one frigging guy’s holding us all to ransom. I can take this guy”. Anyways, tried to crack jokes to get my girlfriend’s mind off what happened and didn’t notice how the thief escaped. What was going thru my mind? “I need to get this girl home safely. Thank God, nada happened to her. How would I have explained that to her folks?” I learned a few things from this episode:

a. All u see in the movies is crap. Had always imagined doing a Jackie Chan move or a Jedi mind-trick thang when confronted by thieves, but all I learned disappeared as soon as I saw that gun.
b. Girls can decipher outbursts from crazy marauders.
c. The principle of WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) recedes to the back of ur mind when someone robs u of ur possession, ur dignity, anything. Afterwards, I prayed I’d be able to forgive the guy and to be honest I still haven’t forgiven him. So y’all keep praying for me. Hey, u heard of those One-Chance buses where robbers pretend to be passengers and then rob whoever’s unfortunate enough to hitch a ride? Almost tempted to import suicide bombers from the Middle East for those buses. It’s worth considering, I mean the suicide bombers wanna kill people anyways and we wanna get rid of robbers. Talk about killing 2 birds with one bomb. Okay, okay maybe I need more of those prayers.

After the incident I wanted to vent, I needed an outlet. The slap across the face didn’t hurt, but it stung for all the wrong reasons. After dropping my girlfriend off I drove like a speed demon and didn’t care who I’d run over. I was prepared to take on any policeman that would stop me. I needed to transfer the pain, the hurt to someone else. Contemplated going for a run when I got home, but was too weak to do anything. Spoke to my girlfriend later that evening and we kinda consoled each other. The next day, I still needed to vent, but while driving I heard Sting’s Englishman In New York on the radio. Woah oh I’m an alien, I’m a legal alien, I’m an Englishman in New York….. Man, peeps write songs about anything, don’t they? And they make money off it too! Maybe it’ time I made money off my assault. Thank goodness I’m in Nigeria ‘cos if I was in the US and the song becomes a hit u can bet ur last dollar the robber will come outta his hole and ask for songwriting credits. I haven’t started writing it, but shall let y’all know when I’m done. Goody, an excuse to get back on the weed; smoking a dozen blunts a day aids in the songwriting process, I reckon.

So what else’s been happening? The Paris Club of debtor nations agreed in principle to pardon about $18bn owed them by Nigeria. Now the president’s opponents have lost any leverage they had. If he weren’t in his second term of office this act by the Paris Club woulda guaranteed a victory come election time in 2007. Gotta say I’m chuffed at what he’s done. Had planned to write a paragraph about the number of staff employed by the Presidency, but this news ameliorated my sequence of thoughts. Was gonna write about the vast number of advisers, special advisers, assistants, etc., in charge of issues ranging from human trafficking to groundnut selling, that serve under him; and about the commissions he set up to look at high cost of cement, bread and diesel, but not of frozen birds which he’s reported to have an interest in. Guess I’m a sucker for good news like everyone else.

Virgin Nigeria took off on its maiden voyage during the week. There to witness the ‘historic’ occasion were loadsa passengers, celebrities and some ministers. It was then I discovered that ministerial positions Nigeria mightn’t be decided on merit. Do u know Nigeria has a minister for Transport and another for Aviation? If that’s not stupid then I don’t know what is. Us Nigerians sure do love titles, we’re probably the only country in the world that aligns one’s occupation to a title. One gets assigned the prefix Barrister, Engineer, Architect, Economist, etc or the like b4 one’s name. Still waiting to open a Nigerian daily and see one referred to as Carpenter, Trader, Beggar, Policeman, etc Jim or the like. Hey, it just could happen.

Yeah, 2 weeks ago the US Consulate decided to shut their offices due to a security threat that we haven’t yet been told about. Just like confused kids who decide to copy all the things cool kids do other countries (Britain, etc) shut their embassies as well. I’m not saying one’d not be careful, but isn’t it convenient that these threats are arising only after Nigeria decided to contest a seat on UN Security Council? Kinda reminds me of the last US election where the intelligence community discovered Al-Queda folk suddenly stopped chattering after Bush was declared the winner. Punk ass punks.

Okay peeps. Gotta go entertain my girlfriend with my patented booty shake. Y’all jealous? Good. Tot ziens and God bless.