If I see Tom Crise on my TV again, I swear I'll........

Hola peeps. ¿Usted ha estado hasta cualquier cosa que interesaba? Me? U know, the same ol’ same ol’. Girlfriend’s cool and it’s been over 7 weeks since we began this exhilarating relationship. Next week, we match her record for the length of a relationship. Yup, she’s so excited I think I just might let her go all the way………and drive to my crib on her own. Hey, since the robbery incident, I don’t feel comfortable with her driving to my crib alone! B4 u say anything I know, I know; I’m the world’s best boyfriend, right?

Yeah, speaking of robberies I saw some guy get jacked in traffic last week and felt awful as peeps just drove by. This was about 7.45pm. Man, felt so awful my feet were shaking for a few minutes afterwards, and kept turning my head around like a chicken – or like Whitney after Bobby Brown’s smacked her around - at every single sound. This is no way to live. Earlier in the day I discovered my spare tyre musta been swapped by one of the 2 mechanics I used, but didn’t know which to accuse. Cos of all the stress I went to bed as soon as I got home. Where was the high and mighty Tunde who told Nigerians abroad that choosing not to return to Nigeria cos of security reasons is a cop-out, as every country has their peculiar problems? I need to do something; I can’t stand by and let these things happen and hear peeps say, “Welcome to Lagos, it happens.” Nah, something must be done. Anyone know where I can find some mystical dude who can teach me martial arts and get me a cape? Then I’d be Nigeria’s first superhero. I’ll have my costume in my ride and attack any criminals I see jacking peeps on the road. Hey, wait a minute, who’ll watch my ride while I’m out helping others? Hmmmm. Yep, I’d be the first superhero who’ll have to hitch rides off peeps as mine will be at the mechanic’s. Seriously, what can I do; any suggestions?

Find myself praying about the state of affairs in Nigeria, and console myself by reminiscing about the good things God has granted to us Nigerians. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that we have churches on every corner in this country; we’d be much worse without God’s help. Y’all heard that some governors are subtly (read: telling every reporter in sight) sending out feelers to gauge public perception on their intention to extend the President’s term (and theirs) by two more years? Their excuse? They want a chance to “continue the good work they started”. Can u believe it? Most of these guys are serving their 2nd term, wanna tell me what they failed to do in 8 years can be accomplished in 10? Bloody punks. Some deputy governor, when questioned about property in the US documented to be his, claimed it belonged to his 12 yr old son! Imagine the gall. Was chatting to my Ugandan mate the other day - and they having similar problems as the incumbent president’s ‘thinking’ of extending his stay - and he said some minister suggested the top brass get new 4x4 cars as the roads are bad and that could encourage a terrorist attack on their lives. OBTW this was before the recent spate of London bombings. I know this sounds crass and the peeps I’m referring to have families, but one can’t help but think that terrorists should be ‘guided’ in choosing their victims. Maybe I’d start a pseudo matchmaking agency for terrorists to select corrupt ass politicians. Imagine the interest in such a venture. Anyone in? We could even have a reality show based on this premise.

Ooops, knew I’da published this blog earlier. The girlfriend and I just had our first tiff, and it was as a result of having differing political opinions. Yep, that’s what u get when two brainy gorgeous peeps try to outdo each other. When are we (brainy gorgeous peeps) gonna learn just to shut up and bother about lesser matters in life such as personal grooming? Oh well. After our tiff I needed to vent and turned on the radio to see if some sweet sweet music could ease my worries. Guess what was playing? Macho Man by The Village People. Man, I digged that song as a kid. Anyways, I didn’t know the lyrics to any of the verses, but I sure wasn’t gonna miss out on the chorus. Macho macho mannnn, I wanna be a macho mannnn, macho macho mannnnn, I wanna be a macho.., I sang, at the top of my voice. Then, I listened more intently, and as the song’s dying out u can hear: Macho macho mannnn, yeah, I wanna be a macho mannn, see the hair on my chest, macho macho mannn, my thick moustache, yeah, my broad shoulders, yeah, people wanna pump my body…. Huh? Yep. No wonder peeps were laffing for days when in the late 90s one of the Village People said he was coming outta the closet. Man, if all their songs are like Macho Man then all the group musta been gay. Psssst, don’t tell anyone, but I still like the song. Yeah, macho macho mannnn….

Hey, speaking of songs, y’all have obviously seen the videos to R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet, right? Man, Dave Chappelle was right: that man R. Kelly can write a love song about anything. Woah! Say what u want about the guy, but he’s a genius. Call him a paedophile, call him R&B’s answer to Michael Jackson, call him the Pied Piper whose flute leads li’l girls astray, call him the Confused Corn-rowed Crooner (am I the only one who thought ..come on and braid my hair.. had nada to do with the subject matter of I Wish?), call him whatever u want, but the dude’s goooood. So good in fact, that he’s inspired me to release the entire contents of my blog as a song. Yep, u read that right, the whole blog as ONE song. It’ll be a long ass song but if Meatloaf can get away with I’ll Do Anything For Love, But I Won’t Do That - the song title’s long enuff for a song – then I’m taking my chance. It’ll be a hit I tell u.

Still on the subject of singers I saw MTV Cribs the other day and Craig David was on. Nice crib and all, but the important thang is Craig said he’s 23 years old. Yep, he’s no longer 20. Big up Craig. Anyways, gotta go and make up with the girlfriend. Tot ziens and……wait a minute, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are on TV again. Damn, just threw my food at the TV cos was so irritated. Man, hearing them talk about their love is puke-inducing. It’s almost Stepfordlike. I’m serious, this scientology shit’s affecting Katie. I mean this is Tom Cruise for goodness sake. I swear the next time I see them on my TV professing their love for each other I’ll chop my left leg off and bludgeon Tom Cruise. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Tot ziens and God bless.