Muy mal

¿Usted cuenta con realmente un saludo? Soy enojado, muy enojado en el mundo. Yes, it’s me Julio. Y’all forgot about me, didn’t u? I’ve read all about what that crap ass punk Tunde has been saying about me and just wanna tell u that I’m gonna get him back for telling y’all about my business. So I went to Hollywood, so I wasn’t the second coming of Will Smith, so bloody what? I’ll have y’all know that millions of people have also tried to break into Hollywood and failed. But unlike the others I have ‘insider’ stories to tell. Y’all are probably wondering why I left a lucrative job as a male stripper for a chance to be a bit-part actor in soap dodgy American soap. Well, I didn’t even manage that. The Hollywood establishment wouldn’t even gimme a break. I thot I was Da Man ‘cos of my washboard stomach and my Adonis features. When I got there I realised that even the street bums are better looking than me. That town’s harsh!

So when did I decide to give Hollywood a go u are wondering? Well, one day while entertaining an octogenarian at her home – I was performing the patented Julio flip, in case u were wondering - I realised that I can’t do this forever. I decided that if talentless nobodies like Britney Spears and Madonna could make it then so could I. Of course, I’d reservations about this decision so I decided to talk to someone I thot was my friend. Yep, u guessed right. It was Tunde. Here’s an excerpt of the conversation we had (it’s written verbatim ‘cos I taped it. I’d hoped to play it during my Oscar acceptance speech. Fat chance of that now.):

Me: Oi, how come it took u so long to pick up the phone. Need to talk to u about something. I’ve decided to head off to Hollywood to pursue my dreams of being a singer/actor/director/producer/celebrity stalker.

Tunde (laffing so loud I wish I’da punched him if I was close enough): U serious? Nah, u can’t be. I’m sure u’ll be good at stalking celebrities ‘cos goodness knows I’ve lost count of the number of restraining orders u’ve received. But the acting thang ain’t where ur talents lie, except u wanna go into the porn industry that is.

Me: See what I mean. I try to seek ur opinion and u do this. Just so u know, it was my shrink that recommended I ‘reach out to someone’.

Tunde: U see a shrink?! U’re actually worse off than I thot. Okay, okay I’m sorry. So u wanna act. That’s cool with me. I don’t understand why u have to go to the States though. Why can’t u try out for some acting gigs over here in the UK?

Me: U are kidding, right? Forget about what u read in the media. The British Film Industry is like a virgin in a hospital maternity ward: it’s nonexistent. The day I knew they’d lost it was when, a few years ago, some tabloid trumpeted the arrival of a ‘British movie tipped to win lots of Oscars’. U know what that movie was? Gladiator, starring Russell Crowe. Yep. They reckoned it was a ‘British’ movie ‘cos the director’s British. See how sad that is? I’m sure if Julia Roberts started dating some accountant whose grandmother happened to be British the press would hail it as a boon to the hallowed British Film Industry. Gimme a break, man.

Tunde: Yeah, I see ur point. How about starting slowly? Maybe u’d star in a few Nigerian movies. I hear the Nigerian Film Industry (aka Nollywood) is progressing in leaps and bounds. I’m sure I can find someone who’d get u an audition or something.

Me: If u drank alcohol I’d blame that for ur current lack of lucidity. U’ve been downing painkillers with mouthwash again? Nigerian Film Industry, my bronzed arse. Do I look like someone who plans to waste his time starring in movies with no apparent plot, zero production value and directors who think every frame of a cinematic climax should be shot in slow motion? Puhleese.

Tunde: Hey, I am just trying to help. And I take it u won’t try Bollywood?

Me: Huh? Thot u said America was far away, and now u want me to go to India?! U really are high, aintcha? They friggin’ shoot over 800 movies a year over there. How am I supposed to stand out in such a crowd?

Tunde: Well, u are Spanish and I doubt if they have any Spanish actors in India. U’d be…

Me: I’d be what? A friggin’ novelty? Do I look like I’m interesting in banging on drums and dancing in the rain to songs I can’t even understand? Oi Einstein, ever seen any English-speaking Bollywood movies? U know what, forget u. I’m off to LA. Have fun doing whatever it is that u do.

So there u are. That’s how I decided to take a chance at breaking Hollywood. The rest, as they say, is history. I got used and abused. To top it all off I couldn’t even finagle a TV appearance. Wait, I did manage one TV appearance, but it was on a hidden camera show. I answered an audition in a sheet handed to me by the guy serving me at McD’s - apparently, everyone in LA is an actor. Anyways, after doing my best Man-walks-into-a-room-and-says-hi schtick – it was a 5-second role – I was approached by a middle-aged lady with missing front teeth who said she was the casting director and liked my performance. She offered to gimme the role if I played my cards right. For ya’ll who’ve never been in the movie industry she meant that I’d have to sleep with her if I wanted the role. I know what y’all are thinking. I thot the same also……..before I actually experienced the lows and lower lows of Hollywood. I’d been so down on my luck I was willing to do this lady’s bidding. It was then that she took out her false teeth and told me I was on a new hidden camera show. Man, I’da killed her if I’d access to a weapon. Just my luck, huh?

My experience wasn’t all bad though. Like I intimated earlier, due to my advanced stalking skills, I got some ‘insider’ knowledge on what civilians (that’s actor speak for mere mortals like u who haven’t been in the industry) don’t know about their favourite stars. I shall be revealing these over the coming blogs. Right now, I’m off to go beg for my stripping job back. I hope I can still fit into those Velcro g-strings. O the shame!