The impact of the N-word. Don't be scared to read, it's actually funny.

Hola peeps. How y’all been? Wanna thank those of u who sent me birthday cards and well wishes two Fridays ago. Not that I’m ungrateful or anything but how about y’all keep the cards and greetings next time and send me money instead. That’d help facilitate my trip to the States with Miss Jolie in December. Yep, we plan to go for a 2-week break together. Who knows, if I’m inebriated enough she might just convince me to take the plunge. Yep, she’s been hinting at it and maybe it’s about time I stopped playing around and did the right thing. I mean she’s everything I ever wanted in a girl so I don’t know why I keep pretending I don’t get her subtle, well, lately she’s been not so subtle, hints. It’s true peeps; I think I might go along with her to Las Vegas and get it over with. If she badly wants to see Celine Dion perform then the least I can do is oblige her. Like I stated above her hints are no longer subtle. How many times can a girl play that crap theme from the crap movie Titanic before I get the picture? I’ll let y’all know how it turns out.

So went out on Friday with my bro Ayo. As my so-called mates didn’t have a ride and ‘cos they live so far away there wasn’t any way I was gonna pick them up, so Ayo and I checked out a club not too far from the house. This was my second visit to the club ‘cos my first visit wasn’t too, erm, successful. Why? Hey, I’m a guy, stuff like that happens. Maybe the girls weren’t digging my cologne that day. Or maybe wearing a lime green tight shirt with leggings and knee-high boots, sticking my butt out when dancing, and approaching women in my ‘Jack’ (from Will & Grace) accent sent out the wrong message. Anyways, my second visit wasn’t so bad. I must state here that I’m long past the period where I go to clubs to chat up women – that, I now do at maternity clinics! I do go to clubs now and then when I really feel like dancing. Man, that last sentence sounds like a scene from a hokey Hollywood movie. When did I undergo a metamorphosis into Kevin Bacon or Jessica Alba?!

So I step into the club and I immediately clock this chick who’s a heckuva dancer. After chilling for a bit I step to her and musta spent half the night dancing with her. It was cool. As I planned to go out the next night I invited her and her mate – she resides in Milton Keynes and was in London visiting her mate – to the bar I was gonna be visiting. She said she’d try to make it but couldn’t promise anything as she planned to see her boyfriend that day. Damn boyfriend! I was really looking forward to dancing with his girlfriend on Saturday night. Oh well, Saturday turned out real cool regardless. Damn boyfriend! Okay back to Friday night. Yeah, so there I was checking out the atmosphere of the club – that’s Tunde speak for “I’m waiting for a nice song to come on so I can show off my adroitness in performing the ‘Running Man’” – when these two chicks came up to me and asked I was gazing around like, in their words, a meerkat. Absolutely hilarious. Told them I’d seek them out when a song I liked came on. Turns out we don’t have the same taste in music. B4 I left I stepped to one of them to have the obligatory last dance and she wasn’t keen. She told me I’d a chance to step to her all night but I blew it. Hmm, I see, so I’m supposed to be some sort of clairvoyant, huh? I wasn’t too bothered cos she wasn’t that fine anyways. Yep, it’s statements like that that keep us guys going. Ha huh ha huh.

Ladies, u seriously don’t think it’s easy for us guys to receive knocks from y’all and keep stepping to other women, do u? Let me give u a glimpse into the male psyche if I may. Why do u think most guys would rather go clubbing with mates? It’s not just for the company; it’s primarily so they can boost each other’s egos when the knocks come. Say two mates are driving home after a nite out. Ideal situation is when they are both lucky with the ladies or when they are both unlucky. Having one guy succeeding and the other floundering tends to create uncomfortable conversations on the drive home. Let’s say two mates were both unsuccessful in their pursuit of the distaff species. A typical conversation would proceed along the lines of:

Guy A: The girl u stepped to at the bar, u know, the one with the kick ass body and cute face, the one who wouldn’t give u the time of day? Well, I overheard some guys in the john say she’s a prostitute. I’m not joking. Some guy said he actually paid £50 to sleep with her.

Guy B: U serious? I’da sworn she a real loose girl. Dirty tart. I’m sure if she’d been at the bar when I bought that bottle of champagne she’da succumbed to my charms.

Guy A: Of course. All prostitutes are only after guys with money. That prostitute with a heart of gold schtick only works in the movies.

Guy B: Preach on brother. So wanna get something to eat before we check in with our girlfriends and tell them how our night went?

Guy A: Sure, but let’s get our stories right first. We were at mine studying for our finals, right?

I won’t lie, I’ve acted that way in the past, and heard guys boost their egos by disparaging women who didn’t fancy them. The worst I’ve heard so far was from a bunch of Ugandans. They were talking about a couple of girls they had offered a ride to and thereafter invited to a party, but the girls declined. One guy says to the group (and the others concur) that the girls declined their invitation ‘cos one of them seemed groggy. He then postulated that the girl’s dazed appearance was ‘cos she’d had an abortion earlier in the day. What?! Exactly. In all my life I’d never heard something so ridiculous; I’dn’t help but guffaw. I mean, of all the excuses in the world, how did the bloke come up with that? Such utter bull must be the preserve of Ugandans. Wait, wait a minute, I vaguely recall a Nigerian mate of mine spewing similar crap. Sorry Ugandans, guess I’dn’t throw rocks from my glass house, huh? Okay so there I was chilling in the ATL when a mate of mine calls on a Sunday afternoon. The nite before he and his Egyptian friend had stepped to some white chicks, well, one in particular, but she didn’t give them the time of day. Trying to be magnanimous she ‘offered’ my mate her agreeable friend who was quite, erm, big-boned. Whilst trying to convince the good-looking white chick to change her mind a white guy approached her and she went along with him instead. This act of treachery, his words not mine, was enough for my mate to conclude that racism is still rampant in America. I thought he was joking, but the guy was serious. Where do I meet these people? He didn’t think Americans were racist when the US Consul approved his student visa; neither did he seek out the NAACP when a white guy offered to rent him an apartment, but as soon as Britney rejects his advances he concludes that Americans are racist. Yep, this is what the US Civil Rights leaders fought for.

Anyways, back to my night at the club. So I stepped to this other chick and ask her to dance and next thing I know she’s doing some weird hand-on-my-waist, eyebrows-raised thang. And if that wasn’t enough she started acting out song lyrics also. U’da seen her imitation of “Yeah” by Usher. Man, I really thought someone was having a laff. It was almost like the scene from Pulp Fiction where Travolta and Thurman are dancing, only much worse, much, much worse. Turns out she teaches dance classes (or does she take dance classes? can’t remember). This girl musta thought she was J.Lo, Janet Jackson, Aguilera and Madonna all rolled into one. It was like a bad dream. I made some excuse after 3 songs and ran like a bat outta hell. While alleviating boredom by watching the rest of the club from a vantage point I noticed the ‘dancer’ was with her circle of friends doing their thang - whatever that is. One of her friends was really getting into a song and singing along to it: “Don’t stop nigger, hit it……don’t stop nigger, hit it….”. I immediately had an epiphany. This Asian girl’s using the N-word, but it’s all good ‘cos it’s in a song? Hey, I’m just asking questions here as we all know that’s way easier than providing answers. Most blacks (including Ice Cube, the guy responsible for the aforementioned lyrics) get indignant when a non-black uses the N-word, but can u really blame non-blacks when the word is strewn around most hip-hop songs? Do we seriously expect a white guy rhyming to Ludacris’ lyrics in his bedroom to skip over sections laced with the N-word? Reminds me of when I was in the States and J.Lo was nearly crucified by black folk for using the N-word in a song with Ja Rule. However, when other Latinos like Big Pun and Fat Joe did it no one raised an eyebrow. I once saw a tribute to Richard Pryor where Robin Williams said something along the lines of “…this nigger’s been smoking hot from way back…”. No vitriolic comments from African Americans then either. Brings me to postulate that maybe us blacks don’t complain about the N-word when it’s uttered by a non-black we are cool with. Hypocrisy, perhaps? Duuno. Like I said earlier I’m just asking questions here. I guess it’s akin to the defence that most white celebrities use when accused of racism: “I am not racist. I have black friends.” Don’t y’all just love life’s little riddles?

Okay, I’m off to make a few phone calls. Calling all my long-lost female friends on the off-chance that a few of them woulda missed me dearly they wouldn’t mind cooking for me. I know what u’re thinking, it’ll be so much easier if I learned to cook, right? Yeah, but, but…..I’ll get back to y’all on that. Yeah, forgot to tell y’all that Julio’s finally back in the country after his unsuccessful trip to Hollywood. The nigger - see, I can do it too - came back with his tail between his legs. Man, I still can’t stop laffing about it. Isn’t Schadenfreude amazing? In case I don’t publish a blog before November 2nd, y’all in the States please don’t forget to vote. Oh, and don’t forget to take a camcorder along to the polling station ‘cos u never know if the “Florida syndrome” has spread like a plague to other parts of the US. God bless y’all. Tot ziens.

Little pleasures

Hola peeps. Don’t wanna nauseate y’all but isn’t the excretion of waste from the human body one of the truly, truly great pleasures God afforded us humans? Seriously, think about it. Say u have one of those days where u had a lovely meal, saw Arsenal beat Man Utd comprehensively and got a call from a long-lost friend; the best way to top it off? A nice, relaxing doodle on ‘the white throne’, that’s how. I do my best thinking in the restroom. Oi, no smart arse (pun intended) comments! I’m definitely gonna have web access in the restroom when I get my dream home. It’s just so, so, erm, ideal. I heard a footballer once say that he wished everyone could experience the exhilaration of scoring a goal in front of 30,000 people ‘cos it’s better than sex. I feel him ‘cos I scored a cracking goal in front of 30 people once and I dreamt about it for days afterwards. It’s the same with having the perfect shit. The memory lingers longer than sex. Trust me. A number of u are thinking that I’ve lost it, but really, try it someday and u’ll know what I mean. The perfect dump is hard to achieve but when u do it’s amazing. Make sure u are home alone though ‘cos the presence of other peeps’ noises tends to obscure the experience. U wanna be able to walk around in ur boxer shorts afterwards and reminisce about the ‘experience’. Okay, okay I’ll stop now.

The reason for the above paragraph? Well, while having the perfect dump yesterday and thinking about writing about it, I recalled how some peeps might find it offensive but others might understand where I am coming from. U see it’s this difference in opinion that make us humans so interesting. A number of u might remember that I love multi-tasking, so say I’m on the phone and I feel like taking a leak I go ahead and do it. Most ladies are disgusted when they find out I am taking a leak while talking to them. I’ve heard comments ranging from “U are real nasty, u know that?” to “Don’t u have any respect for a lady?”, but they eventually get used to my ‘nasty’ ways. Anyway a couple of years ago I was on the phone with this girl I’d met only a few days before and I felt the need to let out some liquid. So I’m doing my thing and talking to her when she asks if I’m taking a leak. After I affirm her suspicions I get the most unexpected response. “Awwww, that’s so sweet. So u feel comfortable enough with me already?” she said. Huh?! I thought I’d heard wrong. She then explained to me that most people are not themselves when they meet new peeps and that she was quite pleased I wasn’t afraid to be myself with her. I never quite looked at it like that before. That was probably the main reason she became my girlfriend (obviously, I didn’t tell her that). I’m glad we broke up though ‘cos that’da been a weird story to tell our kids. “So dad, when exactly did u realise that mom was the ONE for u?” “Well, son, it’s funny u’d ask that. One day I’d had too much to drink and kept peeing incessantly. Ur mom stayed on the phone with me through this dire ordeal and that’s when I knew she was a keeper; that’s when I knew she’d be with me in sickness and in health, through good times and bad…..”

Thinking about that incident with my ex-girlfriend made me think about reasons I went out with my other exes. Reasons vary from sympathy and amorousness to genuine fondness and a shared sense of humour. I treated some less than nice and even though I apologised for my actions/inactions afterwards, and they either accepted or took out a hit on me, I still felt gutted. However, I’m always amazed how my sense of guilt disappears as soon as I find out they’re in a new relationship. Then, I think “Phew, that’s someone else’s problem now”. Ha huh ha huh. Please, please, please tell me I’m not the only one that thinks this way. It’s totally normal, right? Right? Anyways, this brings to the fore an incident with a mate of mine. Turns out he’s “chilling” with his ex-girlfriend who’s getting married in a few months. Theirs was the sort of relationship where they broke up and got back together a number of times before they realised that they really couldn’t stand each other. Now, they’ve an arrangement where they are, in his words, “helping each other out”. My mate says he’s tried to tell her what they’re doing is not kosher, but she refuses to let him go and she said if he were willing she would marry him instead. Where’s Jerry Springer when u need him? Stuff like this always makes me smile ‘cos it serves as vindication to most of my female friends who maintain that guys, especially Nigerian ones, can never be faithful. Look, I’m not dogging the girl or anything of the sort, it’s her life and she can do what she wants with it. It’s just that lately I’ve had it up to my neck with women complaining about guys’ illicit behaviour. U know the saw “men are from Mars and women are from Venus”? Utter crap. Sure, we misunderstand each other now and then, but the truth of the matter is that men, women, hermaphrodites even, are all the same deep down. It’s only the grace of God that keeps us from succumbing to temptation. Now most of u women out there are shaking ur heads and reassuring urself that u can never cheat on ur partner. That’s utter bull. If u say u’ve never cheated on anyone u’ve been involved with u are either lying or have not met someone u are willing to cheat with. Now, if u are my future ex-girlfriend and u’re reading this u can blame my candour on the amount of alcohol in my system. Hmmm, but I don’t drink….well, erm, erm just ignore the last sentence. Besides, if u still fall for me after reading this u don’t have to be ashamed, u are just human. Don’t fret, just keep reading on.

I can give u countless cases of where peeps (me included) have done the “I’ll never do this” routine. Like I intimated above us humans tend to conveniently ignore such professions once circumstances arise that cause us to behave ‘unlike ourselves’. Another recent example of this is an email I received from this female who hooked up with a mate of mine. Now when all was rosy between them she didn’t contact me, but as soon as they hit a rough patch I got an email from her harping on about how guys are pigs and the women that stay with them have low self-esteem, etc. As it turns out she found out that the guy’s got a serious girlfriend in Nigeria who happens to know/suspect about her guy and this girl and like most girls in long-distance relationships she practices the “as long as my man doesn’t disrespect me in my presence then I’m cool” routine. Anyways this chick goes on and on about how she hates the guy and yada, yada, yada. Understanding the way human nature is, of course I didn’t say squat. Well, what do u know, less than two weeks after her rant she’s back with this guy. Wanna know why? I’ll tell u. It’s ‘cos she got to a point where she felt so comfortable with the guy she couldn’t be bothered to check her duplicitous actions. Like I said earlier it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just human nature. The sooner peeps realise this the sooner we’ll stop beating ourselves up for our temporary or semi-permanent unscrupulous behaviour. It’s for this reason I delete ladies numbers from my phone when I DEFINITELY know I no longer wanna talk to them. I’ve realised that even though I tell myself I can’t stand a chick and I’m never gonna call her again there’s always some cold, lonely Friday night when I might need some company. See where I’m going? See how simple life is when u break it down like this? Man, I’m so good I’d write a book.

To those of u who take my words to heart – are u stupid?!! – let me reassure y’all that there’s still hope. As with every rule there’s an exception and I’ve been with some chicks where I haven’t been tempted to cheat on them. Look at me and Miss Jolie for instance. It’s been almost 2 months and she still has me buzzing. I tell u I’ve never loved any girl this much. She’s currently in the States and I plan to go meet her for the Xmas holidays. If y’all wanna, erm, assist in my quest y’all know where to send the cheques (or checks to the Americans in the audience). Tot ziens.

PS
Did y’all catch the US presidential and vice presidential debates? Nice, huh? A transcript of the VP debate can be found in my blog Articles of interest to moi. Got other interesting stuff there and I update it weekly, so please feel free to peruse. God bless.

PPS
My mate’s dad passed away recently. Please remember him and his family in ur prayers. Cheers.