Little pleasures

Hola peeps. Don’t wanna nauseate y’all but isn’t the excretion of waste from the human body one of the truly, truly great pleasures God afforded us humans? Seriously, think about it. Say u have one of those days where u had a lovely meal, saw Arsenal beat Man Utd comprehensively and got a call from a long-lost friend; the best way to top it off? A nice, relaxing doodle on ‘the white throne’, that’s how. I do my best thinking in the restroom. Oi, no smart arse (pun intended) comments! I’m definitely gonna have web access in the restroom when I get my dream home. It’s just so, so, erm, ideal. I heard a footballer once say that he wished everyone could experience the exhilaration of scoring a goal in front of 30,000 people ‘cos it’s better than sex. I feel him ‘cos I scored a cracking goal in front of 30 people once and I dreamt about it for days afterwards. It’s the same with having the perfect shit. The memory lingers longer than sex. Trust me. A number of u are thinking that I’ve lost it, but really, try it someday and u’ll know what I mean. The perfect dump is hard to achieve but when u do it’s amazing. Make sure u are home alone though ‘cos the presence of other peeps’ noises tends to obscure the experience. U wanna be able to walk around in ur boxer shorts afterwards and reminisce about the ‘experience’. Okay, okay I’ll stop now.

The reason for the above paragraph? Well, while having the perfect dump yesterday and thinking about writing about it, I recalled how some peeps might find it offensive but others might understand where I am coming from. U see it’s this difference in opinion that make us humans so interesting. A number of u might remember that I love multi-tasking, so say I’m on the phone and I feel like taking a leak I go ahead and do it. Most ladies are disgusted when they find out I am taking a leak while talking to them. I’ve heard comments ranging from “U are real nasty, u know that?” to “Don’t u have any respect for a lady?”, but they eventually get used to my ‘nasty’ ways. Anyway a couple of years ago I was on the phone with this girl I’d met only a few days before and I felt the need to let out some liquid. So I’m doing my thing and talking to her when she asks if I’m taking a leak. After I affirm her suspicions I get the most unexpected response. “Awwww, that’s so sweet. So u feel comfortable enough with me already?” she said. Huh?! I thought I’d heard wrong. She then explained to me that most people are not themselves when they meet new peeps and that she was quite pleased I wasn’t afraid to be myself with her. I never quite looked at it like that before. That was probably the main reason she became my girlfriend (obviously, I didn’t tell her that). I’m glad we broke up though ‘cos that’da been a weird story to tell our kids. “So dad, when exactly did u realise that mom was the ONE for u?” “Well, son, it’s funny u’d ask that. One day I’d had too much to drink and kept peeing incessantly. Ur mom stayed on the phone with me through this dire ordeal and that’s when I knew she was a keeper; that’s when I knew she’d be with me in sickness and in health, through good times and bad…..”

Thinking about that incident with my ex-girlfriend made me think about reasons I went out with my other exes. Reasons vary from sympathy and amorousness to genuine fondness and a shared sense of humour. I treated some less than nice and even though I apologised for my actions/inactions afterwards, and they either accepted or took out a hit on me, I still felt gutted. However, I’m always amazed how my sense of guilt disappears as soon as I find out they’re in a new relationship. Then, I think “Phew, that’s someone else’s problem now”. Ha huh ha huh. Please, please, please tell me I’m not the only one that thinks this way. It’s totally normal, right? Right? Anyways, this brings to the fore an incident with a mate of mine. Turns out he’s “chilling” with his ex-girlfriend who’s getting married in a few months. Theirs was the sort of relationship where they broke up and got back together a number of times before they realised that they really couldn’t stand each other. Now, they’ve an arrangement where they are, in his words, “helping each other out”. My mate says he’s tried to tell her what they’re doing is not kosher, but she refuses to let him go and she said if he were willing she would marry him instead. Where’s Jerry Springer when u need him? Stuff like this always makes me smile ‘cos it serves as vindication to most of my female friends who maintain that guys, especially Nigerian ones, can never be faithful. Look, I’m not dogging the girl or anything of the sort, it’s her life and she can do what she wants with it. It’s just that lately I’ve had it up to my neck with women complaining about guys’ illicit behaviour. U know the saw “men are from Mars and women are from Venus”? Utter crap. Sure, we misunderstand each other now and then, but the truth of the matter is that men, women, hermaphrodites even, are all the same deep down. It’s only the grace of God that keeps us from succumbing to temptation. Now most of u women out there are shaking ur heads and reassuring urself that u can never cheat on ur partner. That’s utter bull. If u say u’ve never cheated on anyone u’ve been involved with u are either lying or have not met someone u are willing to cheat with. Now, if u are my future ex-girlfriend and u’re reading this u can blame my candour on the amount of alcohol in my system. Hmmm, but I don’t drink….well, erm, erm just ignore the last sentence. Besides, if u still fall for me after reading this u don’t have to be ashamed, u are just human. Don’t fret, just keep reading on.

I can give u countless cases of where peeps (me included) have done the “I’ll never do this” routine. Like I intimated above us humans tend to conveniently ignore such professions once circumstances arise that cause us to behave ‘unlike ourselves’. Another recent example of this is an email I received from this female who hooked up with a mate of mine. Now when all was rosy between them she didn’t contact me, but as soon as they hit a rough patch I got an email from her harping on about how guys are pigs and the women that stay with them have low self-esteem, etc. As it turns out she found out that the guy’s got a serious girlfriend in Nigeria who happens to know/suspect about her guy and this girl and like most girls in long-distance relationships she practices the “as long as my man doesn’t disrespect me in my presence then I’m cool” routine. Anyways this chick goes on and on about how she hates the guy and yada, yada, yada. Understanding the way human nature is, of course I didn’t say squat. Well, what do u know, less than two weeks after her rant she’s back with this guy. Wanna know why? I’ll tell u. It’s ‘cos she got to a point where she felt so comfortable with the guy she couldn’t be bothered to check her duplicitous actions. Like I said earlier it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just human nature. The sooner peeps realise this the sooner we’ll stop beating ourselves up for our temporary or semi-permanent unscrupulous behaviour. It’s for this reason I delete ladies numbers from my phone when I DEFINITELY know I no longer wanna talk to them. I’ve realised that even though I tell myself I can’t stand a chick and I’m never gonna call her again there’s always some cold, lonely Friday night when I might need some company. See where I’m going? See how simple life is when u break it down like this? Man, I’m so good I’d write a book.

To those of u who take my words to heart – are u stupid?!! – let me reassure y’all that there’s still hope. As with every rule there’s an exception and I’ve been with some chicks where I haven’t been tempted to cheat on them. Look at me and Miss Jolie for instance. It’s been almost 2 months and she still has me buzzing. I tell u I’ve never loved any girl this much. She’s currently in the States and I plan to go meet her for the Xmas holidays. If y’all wanna, erm, assist in my quest y’all know where to send the cheques (or checks to the Americans in the audience). Tot ziens.

PS
Did y’all catch the US presidential and vice presidential debates? Nice, huh? A transcript of the VP debate can be found in my blog Articles of interest to moi. Got other interesting stuff there and I update it weekly, so please feel free to peruse. God bless.

PPS
My mate’s dad passed away recently. Please remember him and his family in ur prayers. Cheers.