Articles of interest to moi (2004 - 2009)

Bravery
A few home truths
From China with love?
Pornography? Really?!!!! Punks.
PIB article: A bit biased I felt. Ur opinions?
Any brave souls out there wanna help me do the same in Nigeria?
Warri no dey carry last
World Challenge 2009
Yup, still as confusing as ever
U've seen the Crocodile Hunter now meet his darker, long lost cousin
What a loss to Nigeria!
Still loving ur cellphone?
Those who refuse to learn Nigeria's mistakes are bound to repeat them. It was fun knowing you Uganda. Call me when u can
Revolution 101
In case u wanna plunge deep into oil
Yup, dude's still clueless. U gotta wonder if he's not a marionette
Yar'Adua never seems to learn, does he?
Dickipedia: Rumsfeld
A question of leadership in Africa
Dickipedia: Khamenei
Voodoo and politics in Ogun state
Nigeria's N word
Subsidize this!
What can Obama do for u?
No wonder senators lounge big time
Ooh ooh can I play too? Hee hee. Wish we'd place them in a house a la Big Brother and take bets on who'll crack first
Fo shizzy my nizzy
Still no one's being held accountable
Sad, innit?
Akure 27. A damn shame
Neda (Agha Soltan) means divine calling
Big men never die...apparently
And I thought our nicknames in boarding school were bad
What a way to evangelize
Internationally black
Is this dude for real?
Well said
Gas flaring in Nigeria
I actually loved 'I'm Outstanding' back in the 90s. Sounds crap now though
U gotta love Carter. God bless him
Hmmm, another World Bank loan. Does anyone know if our foreign reserves are still intact?
Blah blah blah blah. Dunno whether I'd be surprised it's his 1st ever press conference at the State House in 2 years or that he's setting up yet another committee. One word, two syllables: RESIGN
It just beggars belief, don't it? F%$k them all
Ha. Dude says he can wait a year
I've said it once and I'll say it again: Iwu is a joke
True dat
World's largest companies
Chris Rock was prescient, no?
Satire in SA
OBJ on HARDtalk. If Stephen was a Nigerian journalist OBJ mighta slapped him. Ha!
Of course it's not torture.....NOT
It's about time we had a serious debate
The National Assembly doesn't have the time to release the report of the power probe or prod the president to sign the FOI bill, yet they have time for this. Punks
Go to work...Go to work
Worthwhile concept
Good on them
More on Sudan
Now u know where all the policemen are...
Amen
U can run but u cannot hide. Who's next?
Quintessentially British. Bet he had a cup of teas as well
When is enough enough?
Bloody jokers
Well worth a read
Yup, y'all are old fogies
Bravo
A bitter pill for the Nigerian financial market
Typical, innit? Must say Soludo does appear increasingly clueless about the goings-on in the Nigerian economy
Go on, tell me this doesn't touch ur heart
India Climate Solutions
Things white people like Tunde like
There once was an old lady who lived in a shoe...
U must be kidding me...
Strike?
This story made my year...and we still in January!
Rudderless ship
The Dark Night
Ain't we a wee tired of Yar's constant about-turns? It was cute initially now it's just sad
Hotter than hell apparently
Bravo Gani. Hey, is anybody else tempted to throw shoes at Yar'Adua to see if he's got Bush-like reflexes? No one? Er, me neither
If this dude was Nigerian he'd probably be saved by the 'immunity clause'; then he'd a Thanksgiving in church blessing God for not allowing his 'enemies' succeed
Naija Gas Plan
Oh man, when will this end?
No wonder my cellphone reception is abysmal...or so the telecoms companies want me to think
A pun-ny fashion designer
Nookie without the bitter afterguilt
Yup, Yar'Adua remains a punk
Let's end the hypocrisy
Time we had a continent-wide discussion about this. Guess Gadaffi's right about most African leaders being shameless to go around begging for aid
Is this dude a lousy captain or is he a lousy captain?
e=mc2
Seen the movie Problem Child? Here's the real life version
Keeping our venal past rulers in check
Gay indeed? She's lying just to get media attention on her. I'd know, I oncedated her
Seems Yar'Adua's Rule Of Law only applies to corrupt former governors
So we don't forget
Ha, family bereavement? What a lame excuse
The antimetabole
Where does one even begin? Oh my
I'd normally be clamouring for names of the guilty to be made public, but since nada happened with the Siemens scandal who'd I be kidding?
Making money without being evil
Today we are all Dunlop employees
Nobody knows anything
Ooops...open mic night this is not
The power of hindsight. U gotta love Jon Stewart
This is another debate we need to have in Nigeria
This is a debate we need to have
Paging Prof Maurice Iwu! Paging Prof Maurice Iwu!
The Manchurian president?
Could the max 4 wife thang be a man-made law like Catholic priests' celibacy? After all a Muslim friend told me the prophet Mohammed had 9 wives
Awww, poor senators wanted to watch the convention? They'da stayed in Nigeria and watched CNN
I want my pounds sterling!
Nigerians for Obama my blistered right arse cheek
An objective study
One of the good guys
Who's a scaredy cat now?
The air up there
Ouch!
Blind leading the blind
This is 2008 and people still believe this ish?
My dad's bigger than yours
If I had any hair left I'da pulled it out by now
Dontcha love freedom of speech?
The tears of a thug when the whole world's around
Yada Yada Yar'Adua
Summit or dialogue? Na im oyinbo dey call semantics
Helping to fight malaria
Secrecy in Lagos State
Idea Builders
Eko o ni baje
8th point on the agenda?
We can only hope
End the traffic
Bravo. End the friggin' hypocrisy
And the debate goes on...
7 point agenda my cute backside
An artiste's expression
Point Carbon
A fellow Bradfordian Chemical Engineer
Truer words have never been written
Yet more saddening news from the polity
There goes the West again, accusing our, ahem, African heroes of foul behaviour
Awww, Shaq needs a hug
RIP George Carlin II
RIP George Carlin
First dibs on the car
Peace summit? It'd be funny if it wasn't so serious. Venal bastard rulers
Is mad Mugabe gonna blame this on the West as well?
From the country that brought u Pokemon
Perot's charts
Just so y'all know
Maybe green TV's not a good idea
Code of silence concerning Mugabe
The land is Green, it's Green, so Green
Who needs Superman when u got Stephen Colbert?
Dangerous accusations
Kudos to an indigenous company
The lie shall keep u trapped. The venal punks!
Maryam Abacha should hide her head in shame
Nigeria Ministerial scorecard
LRA
I wanna pee on u. hee hee. My guilty pleasure. Too funny to believe it's real
Always loved Rick Reilly. Such a gifted writer
Hmmm
Oh to be a mate of Sharon Stone
No more wishful thinking
Boo hoo...I don't have a handover note so I can't do my job. Another dividend of democracy? Lying
Dividends of democracy...as if
$4 gas? Who cares, when u can own ur own gun
Black people, when we gonna learn?
Is Turaki the latest brand of vacuum cleaners? Man, Dyson has nada on this guy
For your consideration
What do y'all think?
God bless Dwayne
Watch and pray peeps, watch and pray
Exercise in futility
Hey, I am just a messenger
Psst, don't tell the voters
OBJ's travails
The Reverend is back!!!
Rapid peanut sheller. It's the simplest ideas, innit?
Hmmm
C'mon, this cannot go on! "So Billy, what do u wanna be when u grow up?" A kidnapper, they make all the money
Which way Nigeria?
One man's conviction
As if the T5 debacle wasn't enough
Genesis of Rob's anger. That don't excuse him for messing up Zimbabwe though
Somewhere Maurice Iwu's cursing his luck
Awww, not such a (Barrister) Smooth court judgment, was it? Lol..man, I kill myself
I once dated this chick I couldn't stand 'cos she promised me free meals. Now I know why
Mess in the power sector
Carbon sequestration
Pant suits on fire
Surely we can afford to do without one or two cheap pants?
What we doing to encourage folk of similar ilk?
Beauty of the N word?
I know it ain't supposed to be funny, but there sure are websites for everything
It's official: I am in love with the Sports Gal. I don't mind, I'll take care of her two kids and all
When the wind shall blow the yansh of the looters shall be opened
Solutions to the Nigeria Police problem
Dude's been swimming in that great Egyptian river again
Yup, venal punks
Who says with old age comes wisdom? Venal punks!
Sound venture
Am I the only one without a pipeline?
A drowning man will clutch at anything
Origins of Mann
Go Obama!
Another reason why Hill's losing my support
Dude should be on MTV Cribs. 'And over here I got my own oil pipeline...'
In case u don't wanna damage ur manicured nails
Don't move to France
I don't drink coffee anyways
Increase the fines I say
One small step for man, one giant leap for Lagos traffic
Ur time will come sir, ur time will come
And u don't even have to water them
Yet more talk. When will our president actually do something?
Again, more talk. How's one gonna verify complaints of those affected by adulterated PMS? Maybe this'd make the refineries work. The punks
I bet the folks at ILM would be well impressed
Oops, I'd better hide my mini skirt and black pumps
Reparations for blacks?
Pls, pls scroll down to the comments section
Any comments on Juicycampus?
For those of us who can't be there in person
Vote the Sports Guy. Yes, we can!
Derrick the Obama supporter is da man
Hell hath no fury...
Pics of Obama by Scout Tufankjian. Excellent, excellent site
Stories like these make blogging worthwhile
U gotta love Ralph; the old curmudgeon sure tells it like it is
Yup, officially jaded
Ouch. Guess Ashton Kutcher should avoid Morocco
No wonder folk get jaded with politics
Prof Iwu, Prof Iwu, Prof Iwu. How many times I call ya name?
May u live in interesting times...
U know u a crap player when a fan of ur team creates a website to track ur inconsistences. I'da done this for Yakubu of the Nigeria football team
High impact philantropy
Wanna build an amusement park in my back yard?
Lol...heard they held onto his salary so he'd have to quit and they wouldn't pay him compensation if he was fired
Yup, they re-re-reversed it
Serves Mushy right. Let's see him lock up the judiciary now
It's getting dicey in Democrat country
Give this administration 2 weeks, they'll probably re-reverse their decision
Only in Nigeria
Is gay bashing still necessary? C'mon
Dude took the words outta my mouth. Send Eboue out on loan or sell the punk off
Wanna chat with the Delta State governor? Go right ahead
U can't eat ur breakfast and have it. Geddit? Geddit?
Unsung hero?
'Google Earth' for Carbon monitoring
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it well
McCain's daughter's blog. She's a hottie just like her mom
Bravo to Rudd
3 sides to every story
What's it all about?
Yup, drastic help is required
Coming to a store near u: The Pornstar Workout Plan
The Wonder Years starring Mitt Romney
A take on Naija from an oyibo woman's perspective. makes u wonder, don't it?
A take on Naija from an oyibo man's perspective. Quite enlightening
Obama song
It's my money and I can cry if I want to..
Anyone wanna buy a Hoover?
Promises, promises
Europe energy efficient policies
These guys are scum
With every week comes a new revelation about OBJ
Police Equipment Fund
Bravo, Bravo. Orji Uzor Kalu shown for who he is
See the way them chairs be moving around?
And what took them so long?
This is worse than Big Brother; Big Father, maybe? Every hotel in the FCT is situated within residential areas!
And this is for the (environmental) geek in u....
Go Intel!
State of Nigerian footie...state of Nigeria as a whole
Media neglect in Kenya crisis?
Trust Sports Guy to put it in perspective. I stayed up 'til 4am to see Belichick get stuffed. Good times good times
Yeah, another one for those who can read
Top Grift
Don't cry for me New Hampshire
Bueno
The surge is working, the surge is working
I'd never do this. I love me too much candy
Read and weep. Um, if u can read that is
Time and Tunde: Great minds
Action required
Bring them on
Lady maintains she did nada wrong by using an alias. Tsh tsh tsh
A change needs to come
Finally, an objective opinion
Deserves applause
"Free Mike Vick"? Dumb punk
U've heard of R.Kelly. Now ladies and gentlemen I give you R.Mugabe
Truth hurts
I know my heart will go on and and on, but what about urs?
Huge cojones or closet voyeur
Time to set up a power company
Lol..apparently everyone's an electrician in Nigeria
Dude's a hero
Dave threatened by Dane? Tsh tsh tsh
Smackdown
Shell Nigeria shakeup
Can this dude suck up or what?
Positives of globalization
LMAO. Should we be glad that 419's pervaded into cartoon movies?
It's about time we took a stand
The clock's ticking
Why does Iwu still have a job?
The Mo Ibrahim prize
The first idea isn't necessarily the best one
Finally, some sense
The Sports Guy is my hero yet again! I do the same thing with my nephews, only I enjoy the ice-cream as much as they do
My bank is bigger than yours
This guy is either the smoothest talker there is or his wife's the first natural-blonde Asian
Who would be a Kop?
Magnolia paste, anyone?
Ain't it a shame we still talking about this?
Is privitisation the panacea to all our ills?
INEC responds
Wouldn't these emblems be ace on a F1 car?
The NOPEC bill? Quite an original name actually
It's at times like these I wish I'd draw. Quite funny
AIDS is still a stigma
What do u call an honest politician? As if.
Interesting take on Nigeria's national planning, or failure thereof
Nigerian Local Content Policy
Who is fooling who?
God's 1/4-back
For all his laudable efforts he messed up in the end
$100? Just a matter of time
Lame duck...geddit?
Keeping fingers crossed
The slammer baby
Wait a minute, where did I keep those NYSC camp pics?
Guzzle guzzle
Payback's a b%$ch
The world as a global village
Colbert for president
Brotherly love?
EFCC case against Ibori
This could be the opportunity to get my show on air
The Adedibu menace
Maurice Iwu's nadir
Blah blah blah
Budget 2008
For he's a Jolly good thief
Yup, a procrastination tool for me as well
Dontcha just love elections?
Don't cry for me Argentina
Ouch. Hitting 'em where it hurts
Do sanctions work?
Kaching $$$$$
Looter accuses one of looting his loot
Laudable
If u a fan of JCVD look away now
...and u thought they only made good watches, army knives, and ace chocolates
He gives, He takes
Dah dah dah, another one bites the dust
It had to take someone's death, huh?
Can u hear the posse circling?
Dude still expects us to have patience?
Ex parte baby
Ahmadinejad's speech at Columbia University
The black QB debate
If u don't like the NFL ignore most of the article just read section on San Fran...Seems Sports Guy's Ewing Theory actually works
Che as a brand
"I am a big bad general and I wanna eat my cake and have it". Don't these guys ever know when to quit?
Toughest sell ever
And to think I had a HUGE crush on her. Wonder what the PTI guys are gonna make of this
Black Google
Madam Speaker's mom speaks out
Just in case u were thinking of emigrating
Remarkable
Inner workings of a Sharia court
At least he doesn't have to jump bail like his erstwhile colleagues
Chickens coming home to roost
What's the difference between us? We can start at the ....
Now this is worth publicizing
After all said and done are the governors gonna be prosecuted?
More on NNNPC
U can run but u can't hide
Madam Speaker's side of the story
More points of view on oil
Just to get the debate going
Jena 6
Uh oh, they coming to blows now
Body massage machines? I prefer a masseuse meself
So this is what I gotta do to get on TV?
Changes at NNPC
Pray for this dude. Needs all the help he can get
Merchant Of Death
From Russia with (more than) love
Mr. Bale is da man
Enough already!
I am sure that woulda knocked the bubble gum outta his mouth
Kudos
Na na na na na (*with tongue sticking out*)
In case y'all wanna tell ur kids
So soon?
I feel Kenny, now just need a singing voice and I'll be made
So that's how they won those Superbowls
OPEC cares
U gotta love Kanye
Reckon dude's been on Atkins diet?
It's not u, it's me
U gotta love these guys
Where's Lord Lugard when u need him?
More tales from Oyo
I suppose he's extremely busy
More back and forth
About time
Guess I left at the right time
A change?
After just a few months in office this happens. Sad
I still wanna see his six-pack though
Friends, huh?
Word.
So this is what awaits Angelina and moi?
More info on new Naira policy
Can u imagine Nigerians spraying, nay stoning, folk with coins at parties?
Let the oil flow
Gotta admire dude for how much press he generates
Bizarre
Busted
DIY
Dire
Kudos to a Nigerian company
The AG explains his point
Just in case u are counting...
A shame really
How long we gonna go on like this?
Servant leader needs to be watchful
Yet another abduction
Didn't this dude used to be a teacher? Man, wanna tell me no Nigerian politician leaves office the way he came in?
Another result of militancy
Tokyo, Auxiliary, Conscience? Who gave these dudes get their nom de plumes? Lol..they sound like characters from a bad Nollywood movie
I officially have a man crush on Yar'Adua
It's not getting any better
A damn shame
Balls of steel
It's long overdue
It's an apology how hard can it be?
Now that's sticking it to them
School fees? Friggin' school fees?Lol...now I've heard everything
Guess I'll be keeping my clothes on
Remember him?
Yup,more arrests
Time to wash those dirty linen bruv
More hankies are needed
Worth considering?
Anyone have a hanky?
An international game of chicken. Who's gonna back down first?
A Black convicted
What, no mention of my tshirt company?
Lol...has it come to this? Electroshock therapy?
Ministerial screening
The wheels come fallin' off
So Clinton feels his case is different? Bollocks
Seems we recycling the same ol' tired politicians again
Pray for their safe return
Say hello to my mentor
Uh oh
Now he talks. Yawn.
How come no one's throing money at me?
If u gonna be a playa stay outta Chitown
A disturbing trend
O O Obama
Always knew we'd top some charts
I am currently worth slightly less
Wow
This is ur ruling party Nigerians. Yes, u can weep now
Thierry Henry deserves to be treated this way
Now if I'd get this sorta support from ex-girlfriends I'd be made
The bitter truth?
Argument for end of fuel subsidy
Asari speaks from his heart
Servant leader my arse
End of an era
Ivorian payout
These guys never cease to disappoint, huh?
It's called Petro-power
Social entrepreneurs
Interessant
This revolution will be televised...and blogged about.
Emergency! Emergency! Here we go again. Don't lay all blame on pre-OBJ era when y'all had 8 years to make a change. Excuses exshmuzzes
Life in the public eye. She'd better thank her stars she doesn't live in the UK
Now that Chirac's gone accountability starts. Marvelous
How come I never heard about this?
That's the way to stick to ur guns!
Uh oh. Not this again. Let's hope they learn from mistakes of others
Tough on crime. Tough on the causes of crime
Bloody punks need more time to consider Labour demands? Punk ass punks. Labour had better not fold this time around.
Free at last, free at last? Gulp.
Thank the good Lord. There's hope for Nigeria 2
Thank the good Lord. There's hope for Nigeria 1
Reckon I look a li'l like Jon Voight?
My hero
This is Lagos beeaaattch!
Chimamanda's the ish. Er, reckon she's dating anyone? Ha.
Congressman Jefferson's tale of woe
Another angle of Nigerian politics
Google needs to activate this in Nigeria, especially police checkpoints and in traffic
Shameful
Uh oh
I wanna piss on u
Some logistics problems?! More like major, dude. Iwu had time to get things sorted but goofed. Shame. Shame.
Woah. Even greater hope, let's see the govt deny this one
This gives me even more hope
This gives me hope
It's about time the opposition got their act together? Does that mean there's no public hols? Lol.
Expose on Kwara State.....need one on other states in Nigeria, esp Abia, Edo
Now this could work in Nigeria
Mugabe again
God bless Nnamani
WAGP
Can u believe the ludicrous provision in the elctoral act actually existed?
Worth comparing
Yup, shame, shame
Heart of Africa project
Upstream investment
A worthy cause
One more from uncle Ben Stein
Re-entry into Ogoniland
More financial advice from dude who has a clue
Nigerian gas policy
Yippee, dude's found time from messing with his V.P. to commission stuff
Financial advice from Ben Stein
Blog that blew me away. Awesome
Obama baby
Yup, they still angry
20 yr Gas Purchase deal
Excuses, exsmooses..
CO2 emissions cut in cars
Ready for more excuses about dire fuel situation in the country?
Man, dude sure is angry
See, Soyinka couldn't register to vote as well.I think they disenfranchising geniuses like us
".......he loves politics and I just love politics."
Oh to write like the Sports Guy.
Chris Kattan engaged to a supermodel?!
Budget 2007
Let the mud slinging begin
Lol...Sharon's "lopsided breasts"
U call this a way to live? Meanwhile the punk ass President and VP are at each other's throats.
More political machinations
Stunning blogger
My hero....sometimes I also feel White & Nerdy
What's wrong with us?
How's constructing megastations in Abuja gonna alleviate fuel scarcity in the rest of the country?
Just so u know
Dr. King's demise
Sad, ain't it?
Don't u just love it when 2 big kahunas fight? Lol...these guys are worse than teenage girls. Can't wait for OBJ's response.
Nigerian writer's blog. Yes, I know Ayeola Mabiaku and she's that good...
Wish I'd gotten wind of this earlier
Not again...
Wish I knew who she was
Another mate's getting hitched. Excellent, excellent wedding site. I hope when Angelina leaves Brad for me we'd have something similar.
Nigerian heroes
Trust FOX to show this
See why I love Sports Guy's writing?
U gotta love politics. These Americans are just as bad as Nigerians
Go Naija writers!
God bless Nuhu Ribadu II
God bless Nuhu Ribadu I
Interesting...click on the 'Rules Of Modern Life' section
Just in case u don't believe Gen. Sonthi
I'd learn from this
Hear. Hear.
Mate's finance blog
Best Biz Ideas list
If u get any ideas from these I want my cut
A gorgeous mate's photoblog. Amazing.
When I grow up I wanna visit Vegas
She stole my idea. I knew I'da had those tattoos
Man, that's stuff
Sports Guy picks an EPL team. Hilarious.
Miguel has a blog! Miguel has a blog! Please post vile comments about the punk ass
Like I give 2
The Zeke effect
Democracy, huh?
LRA leader defends himself
NNPC vs DPR
Uh oh. I better not say nada about OBJ anymore...man, screw him.
Blair promises new focus on Africa
Interview with Kenneth Kaunda
Jungle justice
Dontcha just love to be President
Sports Guy's YouTube favs
Hear. Hear. (Click The News - Nigerians Must Resist IBB)
Awww...dude shoulda been breastfed more as a kid
Another sad tale about Africa
Go Warren Buffett
Lol...turning the tables around
OUCH!!
Sports Guy's column on NBA Finals
The Moustache Brothers
God bless Tony Dungy
Trust The Onion for reliable news on Nigeria
Another ex-colleague's blog....reckon dude's gay cos no man should write this much poetry. Ha.
A cute ex-colleague's blog...u'd see her baby pic
Kevin Sites in The Hot Zone. Hope this dude visits Nigeria soon
Transcript of Stephen Colbert's 'support' of Bush. Dude's a genius....like me
Stephen Colbert: my new white hero
A sound view on the Third Term
These guys have no shame. Punk ass punks.
Keeping it real/right
Consulting made simple
Africa's Third Reich gets a helping hand
Oooops...another African leader's principles bite the dust. Shame.
The Sports Guy reports from the NBA All-Star game
The Oscar nominations are out....guess Charlize Theron has more brains than I thot
Funny as heck....Bollywood comedy
My new hero
Soyinka speaks his mind
Ooops, hero in a spot of bother
My hero....for now, anyways
More Naija oil threats
Obasanjo and Yoruba politics
Pray for Nigeria's democracy
Funny ass Nigerian girl's blog
Ooops, here omes Black Hitler
Finally Bonga's kicked off
Status of Nigerian banks
Movies of 2005
Please pray for The Dungys
Got Breast Milk?
More Transcorp news
Liar, Liar, pants on fire
Man, I'd face this guy in a boxing ring. The punk.
Those calling for a 3rd term for Obasanjo should read this
Good Michael Redd
Phil Jackson and his issues
And u wonder why peeps are religious
Valerie Plame's husband defends actions
Stella Obasanjo controversies
The manifest of those in plane crash
Rosa Parks. God bless her soul
Commend Obasanjo and Nweke Jr.
How good is ur sight?
Al Shamshoon. Yep, The Simpsons for Arab TV
Open-source multiprotocol messenger
Hairy hat
Hilarious. My pimp name's Fadeproof Odeyemi Valentine
Go Daniel Craig
NNPC restructure
Give this Governor kudos
Self-esteem website
NNPC website
Pope na enjoyment, Imam na gbaladun...
This would go down a treat in Nigeria
The Police IG called this "a minor fracas". As if
Heaven Is So Real
Views of a dude on Uganda Stock Exchange
This is happening in Nigeria?! Who woulda guessed
Here's hoping he can spend his millions in jail. The bitch ass punk
He's a rare breed; God bless him
AfroAmerican celebs skewered
Yup, this is my country
Naija folk lamenting.....nice
Bet she wishes she was Kobe
Screw this list, I am aiming for the presidency
Shoo mosquito, don't bother me
Yeah, take the punk down
Deepwater oil blocks
U gotta love them Americans
Emergency
Do peeps still fall for this?
Craigslist
New Bid Round
Editing blog
Talk about misplaced priorities
Filthy thieves
The police is ur friend....kinda
R.Kelly TP3 review
Let's guzzle up
FRN website
New Bradford Chancellor
New Nigerian Cabinet
Man, her pain's palpable
Mazrui's take on Nigeria
For all u conspiracy theorists out there
Paris Club3
Paris Club3
Paris Club2
Paris Club1
Man, this is serious
Wolfie doing his thang
In case y'all forgot about Sudan
National Energy Policy
NEPAD
Good ol' Saddam. Like Tyson, u can always count on him for a quote.
Killer Cow: u really cannot make this stuff up
Vagaries of the Confab
My dad's bigger than urs
Catch me if u can
Black Sambo
Guess Old Wolfie not so bad afterall
A positive start
Oops
Maybe we'd all send Mike a dollar
George W. SOLO
For some strange reason my name's been left out
We gotta get them to do some work somehow
U gotta hand it to Ted Turner
IMF Article IV Consultation
Watch out for Jeb
Deep Throat
Democracy? Nah, demonstration of craze
These are my confessions...
Nigeria Pension reform
Maybe he needs a brain transplant as well
Talk about fingering the suspect
Thank God he wasn't accepted
Mr. Galloway sticking it to them
Nice to know the times are achanging
Ooops
Let the good oil flow..
Local crude refining
Keep the hope alive
Report on Nigerian economy for 1st Quarter
Me, racist? But I love black people
Positives from Nigeria
Hey, it's about time they stood up to the Presidency
Another Bosman?
Looking for a way to keep someone in jail? Stiff bail conditions
Paul Shirley's brilliant
Abacha loot
T.O. 3
T.O. 2
T.O. 1 - Maybe we'd change his name from Skip to Nostradamus
He's got a point
Kenyan politics
Italian footie
There's hope for Naija
Uh oh
Sudan aid. Let's hope this works out
This DeLay guy sure does know how to dig a hole for himself
Same ol' same ol'
PSC in Cameroun
Whose life is it anyway?
Enron
A different way of looking at the norm
Iraq-Vietnam
Bush's favorite group
Letting POWs down
Al-Jazerra
Brown for PM
Never Again
Guess the CPA is just as bad as the UN. What's that peeps say about folks in glass houses again?
Funny stuff. Kinda akin to Nigeria
These guys deserve a round of applause
Hip-Hop
Guess she won't be invited on FOX again. Click on '1. Fair and Balanced Inauguration'
Don't u just love politics
The fallout continues2: Tafa's response
The fallout continues1
Sad, but true
Jury from hell
Good on Obasanjo
Pure rhetoric?
One down, hopefully, more to go.
There's always hope.
Monsiuer Jordan, the pitches man.
A double-standard for Favre? Or maybe he's earned it.
More from The Sports Guy
Good on her
Maybe this will discourage other criminals
It takes a man to admit his failings. Bush, Obasanjo, etc. u listening?
More on pledges
Should be interesting to keep an eye on pledges
One side of the social security debate
Three cheers for Sen. Boxer
There's hope for democracy yet
This is the same guy who was recently found with thousands of pounds in his briefcase while on vacation. Let's hope he gets his just desserts
Swahili windows
Rice...and beans
Oil for food kickbacks
Don't waste ur money on a hair cut; just pull more out.
This should make u pull out ur hair. Luckily, I don't have any.
Thank God for the internet
Love thy neighbour?
Thankless task?
Quid pro quo
Steps must be taken to prevent this in future. Doubt it though
Thought stuff like this only happened in Nigeria.
A positive sign
Politics and debt. Pray for ur children
See what I mean
Crying wolf again?
Agriculture2
Agriculture1
This guy is good
An interesting blog from someone who's actually been to Fallujah
She says exactly what's in my heart in ways I could never articulate. God bless her
More conspiracies?
Well worth a peruse
Hitting the nail on the head
Sports Guy's 2004-2005 guide to the NBA Western Conference
Nothing being done yet
Salam Pax's blog
Salam Pax. Witty guy
Maybe it's time I ran for presidency of Nigeria and began my own war on terror.
Go Spitzer!
Uh oh.
Slim Shady expresses an overt opinion
Nice article. Please read what he says about the office of President
Oh really? No, O'Reilly...in deep doodle
U tell them, John
Be afriad, be very afraid
Much ado about Cheney's daughter
Final US presidential debate
Aragones
There they go again
Oil prices
US VP debate transcript
Judicial watch
War on terror? As if
More lies
Lies, and the lying liars who tell them, aka the US VP debate
Jeb Bush's reply
What do u think?
Corruption's rampant and this is all they care about?!
Told y'all
Poor O'Reilly
Info on Middle East
This is democracy?!
About time
My chance to get that elusive Oscar?
Can u believe this?
Genius
Time to pony up. Here's hoping money goes to right places
The one and only
Shaq testifies at Kobe's trial
Barack Obama
Sudan2
Sports Guy3
Sports Guy2
Sports Guy1
An argument for capital punishment
Can u spell C-R-A-Z-Y?
Stick a fork in this turkey
Sudan1
Michael Moore
Nigerian soccer

Life's little gems

In all honesty the ‘lines’ below are my major reason for starting a blog. They consist of statements/philosophies/jokes/etc that have made me laff/think or bring back special memories. Who am I kidding? These are things I found mostly amusing.

PS
They are listed in no particular order.

"I Have A Small Penis." (As tattooed underneath MMA fighter Melivin Costa's belly button.)

"Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film." (As stated by the blackboard behind Woody Paige, panelist on ESPN's Around The Horn on 30th June 2009.)

"I will participate in the demonstrations tomorrow. Maybe they will turn violent. Maybe I will be one of the people who is going to be killed. I’m listening to all my favorite music. I even want to dance to a few songs. I always wanted to have very narrow eyebrows. Yes, maybe I will go to the salon before I go tomorrow! I wrote these random sentences for the next generation so that they know we were not just emotional under peer pressure. So they know that we did everything we could to create a better future for them. So they know that our ancestors surrendered to Arabs and Mongols but did not surrender to despotism. This note is dedicated to tomorrow’s children." (As stated by an Iranian woman to NY Times Columnist Roger Cohen during the June 2009 election protests.)

"I would suggest the first thing that would make me feel a little better toward them [AIG executives] is if they follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say, 'I am sorry,' and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide....And in the case of the Japanese, they usually commit suicide." (As stated by Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa, obviously outraged at news that AIG had paid out bonuses to employees that crafted complicated deals that wound up shaking the world's economic foundations.)

"That's not a boy, that's an unemployed alcoholic!" (As stated by MSN.co.uk music reviewer when discussing Beyonce's If I Was A Boy lyrics "Roll out of bed in the morning / And throw on what I wanted / And go drink beer with the guys.".)

"Rudy Giuliani... I mean, think about it! Rudy Giuliani. There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11. There's nothing else! There's nothing else! And I mean this sincerely. He's genuinely not qualified to be president." (As said by Joe Biden in 2007. Guess now he's the Democratic veepee nominee his opinions are even stronger.)

"Ibo man wey be Muslim dey find something." (As said by an Ibo colleague championing an argument that the notoriously business-savvy Ibos of Eastern Nigerian would even change religion - they are mostly Xtians - to get a deal done.)

"Even Jesus would have a tough go as a Democrat in Indiana." (As said by a dairy farmer in Indiana, USA when asked if the notoriously Republican-backed state would go blue 'cos of interest generated by the Democratic presidential nominees.)

"He's only 25, albeit a Nigerian 25, and so if that is his age he's still got a good few years ahead of him." (As said by David Moyes when commenting on Yakubu Ayegbeni's hat-trick against SK Brann. Dude deserves a Salford kiss for that comment.)

"No, I have nothing else to do." (As said by Mike Huckabee when asked if he saw any cost of staying in the Republican presidential nominee race, especially with McCain's lead. U gotta love him, he really is a breath of fresh air.)

"The Senate does not have funds allocated for payment of ransom for the release of senator or resource person taken as hostage by the militants." (As said by Nigerian Senate President David Mark as an appeal to the militants during the Senate's planned visit to the Niger Delta creeks. So dude wants to tell me other Nigerians have set aside funds u know just in case they get kidnapped?)

"Enwerem, erstwhile Senate President, could die today but he can't die tomorrow. We shall see what will happen tomorrow." (As said by a member of the 'Integrity Group' on the excuse by the Speaker of Nigeria's House of Representatives to postpone a motion to probe her.)

"You're talking to Noah about the flood." (As said by George W. Bush, when asked by a reporter give him some good news amidst all the goings-on during this stage of his presidency.)

"The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare. It closes upon the twilight, but it opens upon dawn." (As said by Victor Hugo, when discussing life after death.)

"Difficult takes a day. Impossible takes a week." (As said by Jay-Z on Kanye's Diamonds Are Forever Remix. Better words have never left those huge lips.)

"There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another. I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?" (As said by Frank Zappa, and used by a commentator to poo poo the fallacious idea that listening to rap music causes folk to commit violent acts.)

"The wheat producers have failed to meet the conditions we gave to them. We have waited for one year and you have not done anything and insha allah, you will not go beyond the 1st of July. If you do not do anything, your mill will be closed." (As said by President Obasanjo, while berating millers to include 10 per cent of cassava flour in wheat flour or have their mills closed.)

"No, but I understand Einstein." (As said by Mrs. Einstein, when asked if she understood the theory of relativity.)

"Lagos has for 20 years opposed every Governor and has formented strife and bloodshed in the hinterland....I have spent the best part of my life in Africa, my aim has been the betterment of the natives for whom I have been ready to give my life. But after some 29 years, and after nearly 12 years as Governor here, I am free to say that the people of Lagos and indeed the Westerners are the lowest, the most seditious and disloyal, the most purely prompted by self seeking money motives of any people I have met." (As said by Lord Lugard in 1916. U think he wasn't too pleased with his assignment?)

"There is something that can happen to every athlete and every human being; the instinct to slack off, to give in to pain, to give less than your best; the instinct to hope you can win through luck or through your opponent not doing his best, instead of going to the limit and past your limit where victory is found. Defeating those negative instincts that are out to defeat us, is the difference between winning and losing - and we all face that battle every day." (As said by the 1936 Olympics four gold medal winner Jesse Owens)

"I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to s***w everybody on your entire team. Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team." (As said on Howard Stern's radio show by Anna Benson, wife of baseball player Kris Benson. Guess Kris's NY Mets teammates are going around with camera phones hoping they catch him being unfaithful.)

".....the jarring result is that Farrell's Alexander looks like a Babylonian hooker after a busy Saturday night." (As said by CNN.com's film critic Paul Clinton, when discussing Colin Farrell's bad hair-dye job in the movie Alexander.)

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." (As stated by former US politician Pat Robertson in 1992. Well, I sure am glad I'm not a feminist)

"I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says [Zach] shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good" (As said by NBA player Zach Randolph's high school coach and seen on ESPN.com)

"We have too many of our own problems, these explosions, this lack of stability, to be bothered about it (the US election)" (A statement by Iraqi grocer Georges Butros as seen in METRO newspaper, Thursday November 4th 2004)

"If they put up a vacuum cleaner against Bush we'd vote for it and just ask them to change the bag every now and then,". (As seen in an article in The Guardian about Bush and Kerry supporters.)

Better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life . (As seen on a poster in an ‘alternative’ card shop.)

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors. (This was inscribed on a sticker displayed on the large wall in my oldest brother’s room. OBTW he's now married with a kid. Go figure.)

If he dies, he dies. (Scene from Rocky IV, one of my all-time favourite movies, where Ivan Drago’s being interviewed after pummelling the life, literally, outta Apollo Creed. Sylvester’s Stallone reaction here is worth the price of purchase/rental alone. Utterly hilarious.)

Tonight Matthew I’ll be the recently indicted despotic ruler of an African nation

Hola peeps. ¿Ahora cuáles son yo que va a hacer con mi tiempo libre?

Okay it’s Sunday the 23rd of August and I am in the office doing goodness knows what. That’s what my life has become since I got done with exams - I aced it by the way…u know just in case y’all are interested. After exams I felt invincible I….wait, I actually started writing a blog entry the day I finished exams but discontinued due to laziness. Hold on, here’s an excerpt:

It’s past 6pm on 7th July 2009 and just woke up from a nap. Over a year of preparation and I got done with exams earlier today. Instead of partying like it’s 1999 I’m writing for y’all, sad, no? No, don’t get me wrong y’all are not that least bit important to me, it’s just that it’s raining the entire zoo - why does it rain like crazy whenever my car returns from the car wash? – and there’s nada to do in Warri. I’d stop complaining though ‘cos though PH may now have a cinema they experience crazy traffic, and besides Warri provides me with what I like to term “human entertainment”. For instance, two weeks ago I saw a black Hummer H2 with the vanity license plate, ‘Na God’, parked in front of a pepper-soup joint called…wait for it…..’Goatleggers’. I kid u not. I mean what sorta unoriginal name is that for a spot? That’s like calling a bakery ‘Loafers’ or a nightclub ‘Clubbers’.

Anyways it’s such a relief to finally be done with the exams. Problem is what else am I gonna do with my time now? Well, I’ve already contacted my golf coach and gonna start lessons on Friday. Yup, gonna take another shot at trying to hang on to Tiger’s coattails. Then what? Well, got books I haven’t read in a while so gonna get entertained and improve my vocabulary at the same time. And then what? I am off to PH next week to entertain some clients so that’d keep me busy. And after that? Er, er, c’mon peeps what do u want from a brother? Gimme a break.

Well, since then nada much of note has happened. I did go to PH for 2 weeks, then returned to Warri for 3 days, then back to PH for a night, then Abuja for 5 days, then PH for a night, then Warri for a night, before flying to Lagos for a week. Yup, clocked so many air miles I’m giving Ban Ki-moon a run for his money. Returned from Lagos last Monday after spending week there catching up with family and being Ayo’s best man. Yup, dude’s now officially trapped. Hee hee. No escaping anymore buddy. Can u spell R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y? I, uh oh, more excerpts from blog entries that ended prematurely:

Had hoped to make it to Lagos after the exams but what can I say, there’s no rest for the talented. Man, been over 6 weeks since I was last in Lagos and badly miss that place. Maybe the 2-week job in PH is coming at the right time ‘cos I hear the rains have made the Apapa-Oshodi express road a death trap. Everyday I hear tales of crazy traffic on that stretch of road that only a masochist would relish. We talking 3-4 hour traffic jams for a trip that would normally take 25 minutes. This has been going on for months yet the guys at the top are unfazed. University lecturers are on strike, same with healthcare workers, power supply’s abysmal, roads are in a sorry state, yet Yar’Adua and his crew are clueless. I know, I know. I said/thought whatever these guys do would no longer bother me, but people this is frustrating. I know complaining ain’t gonna do anything and…arrrggghhhhh!!!! Reckon we’d have MJ’s They Don’t Care About Us as our rallying song for Iran, Honduras, Nigeria, everywhere.

So where was I? Yes, Ayo’s wedding. Man, it was the usual carnival atmosphere, that I have come to know and loathe, associated with family functions. My family knows way too many people! Having 11 siblings will do that to one. Man, I wanted to pull my armpit hair out and I ain’t even the groom. Too much, just way too much. Come to think of it maybe, just maybe that’s why I am scared of getting hitched. It ain’t the lifetime marriage I am scared of, it’s the wedding and engagement ceremonies! (At least that’s the excuse in my head this week.)

The day after the wedding I woke up sorta early, walked downstairs, saw the number of chairs outside and a bandstand, then went back up to bed. Yup, we were supposed to host the bride’s family but I was hoping for the bride’s closest family not another reenactment of the wedding. So instead of spending a week relaxing in Lagos I returned to Warri even more tired.

Didn’t help that Neo and moi had a huge falling out during the 2 weeks I spent in PH so when peeps didn’t see her at the wedding or the family thang the day after they kept asking what the issue was. Got so bad Chief and my mom summoned me to Chief’s room on the eve of Ayo’s wedding to have a ‘talk’. Now most parents would have other things to worry about on the eve of their kid’s wedding, but Chief’s had so many kids get hitched he’d probably play his fatherly role at a wedding in his sleep…with his hands tied behind his back. This was no Good Cop – Bad Cop routine, it was more like Bad Cop – Badder Cop. I will now attempt to reenact the entire scene (*clearing throat*):

Chief (aka Badder Cop): So what’s the problem with u and Neo?
Moi (aka Uncooperative Suspect): Nothing. We just having issues that’s all. I thought we’d be able to resolve it by today, but it appears not.

Mom (aka Bad Cop) shakes her head in disbelief….

Chief: So what exactly is the problem?
Moi: It’s something private I’d rather not talk about…
Mom: Not even with ur parents?
Moi (*becoming bolder with every question*): Nope.
Chief: I mean how bad can the problem be that u cannot share with ur parents?
Moi: It’s just private. Neo and moi decided to resolve it ourselves, that is if we can…

More head shaking from Mom.

They then ask the question in different ways like the veteran cops they are, but I was catching up on ‘The Wire’ just before I left Warri for Lagos so I didn’t budge.

Chief: I expected more from u. Ur mom and I expect more from you. After God we the next people u’d revere, and yet here u are saying u can’t talk to us about a problem in ur relationship.

Like D’Angelo Barksdale in ‘The Wire’ asking to see his lawyer I keep repeating the “It’s private” line.

Mom (*playing the sympathy card*): I don’t know why u can’t reveal stuff, but I thought Badder Cop here, sorry I meant ur dad……I thought u’ve always been freer with him. U know I ain’t feeling too well…
Chief (*quickly latching on*): Yeah, it’s all this worrying about u that’s affecting ur mom’s health. There I am telling everyone we having ur wedding in December and now u come up with this. U can’t even be bothered to tell us what the problem is, so I have an explanation when I am asked why u no longer getting married.
Moi (*feeling cojones grow larger with every sentence*): I never told u I was getting married in December. Never told u to tell anyone either. If Neo and moi don’t work out, as it increasingly seems likely, then it’ll hurt me like crazy, but that’s life. I know u guys like her, so do I, but it’s just the way it is.

Mom shakes head even more I fear she’s gonna have whiplash.

Chief (*hitting below the belt*): I can’t believe this! U sure there’s not anything physical or psychological? Is it a case that u cannot please a woman? Tell us so at least we can seek solutions. Or u don’t want to get married? U not homosexual I hope?

Mom…..well, at Chief’s last question I can feel her say “Not my portion” in her head.

Moi (*trying and almost failing to muffle laughter*): None of the above, sir. I do wanna get married. Definitely not in December, but I know I wanna get married. I am sorry to say this again, but it’s a private matter.

At this point they both rant and rave and threaten – the equivalent of the Lieutenant and co giving Bird a beat down in ‘The Wire’ S1 – but I ain’t budging. Finally, Chief says he’ll not bother me anymore, mom pretends to cry and leaves. I suspect she hides behind the door, eavesdropping. At that point I finally succumb and tell Chief the score.

Chief (*relieved his son ain’t gay*): Now that was foolish of u. Terribly, utterly foolish. U’d not have said that to her. Okay so u want me to talk to her? No? Okay I’ll respect ur wishes.

Respect my wishes? Did he heck! Found out he called Neo and tried to soothe things over but dude made it worse. Right now I ain’t even bothered. Not keen on a relationship so just taking things easy, which is not so difficult to do in Warri. If I was any other place….man, u’da seen me after Neo and moi fell out a month ago. All of a sudden it seemed as if I changed my cologne or something. Every female I said hello to wanted to know me better. It was when the security lady at the PH airport came on to me I had to look around to ensure I wasn’t being filmed. Yes, I still believe there’s a Tunde Show out there where my every move is being documented for y’all’s viewing pleasure. If that indeed is the case here’s a middle finger (covered in rear of the nose boggie) to y’all voyeurs.

Speaking of middle appendages, that’s what I wanted to show everyone at Ayo’s wedding who came up to me telling me I’m next to get married. Ti e no a de o. Oh yeah, well f%$& u! A ma se ti e no o. Well, kiss my blistered left arse cheek!

Don’t get me wrong it ain’t like I don’t appreciate the greetings, but it’s kinda cliche, dontcha think? I wish Hallmark would come up with greeting cards for such occasions so people wouldn’t have to repeat the same tired, worn out phrases again and again. Just like when peeps find out a relationship’s ended they feel it would be outta place if they didn’t enquire as to the reason for the discontinuation of said relationship. What the?

Woosha, woosah. Sorry peeps I didn’t mean to get all Malcolm X-esque. (Geddit? The letter ‘X’ and ‘esque’ sorta rhyming? Aw, forget yous.) It’s just that b4 I tried to emulate Mr. Ki-moon I had two golf lessons after a break of almost a year, and I was good. In fact I was very good. Fast forward to yesterday and my swing’s back to where it was a year ago. Awful, just plain awful. As I am about to embark on another trip to PH and then to the R.I.G. – yup, I am back on that assignment again – the coach and moi agreed I’d wait ‘til I have at least an uninterrupted week b4 we start lessons again. Dude feels the stop-start sessions are doing more harm than good. I wanna practice alone but coach advised against it. Said I’d build some habits that would be difficult to shake, thus making his job harder. So instead of playing golf I am here with y’all conversating about yet another failed relationship. Sad, huh?

Maybe life would be more interesting if I kept a journal – oops I do that already. Er, er, what else do I have to do in Warri to keep me sane? Maybe I’d start a separate blog about my issues with perfecting a golf swing. Nah, who would read it? Besides my entries would be few and far between – sorta like this one, huh? Ha - seeing as I can’t find the time to have lessons on consecutive days.

A more revealing blog on relationships, perhaps? Nah, that’s what my journal is for. Besides what happens in a few years when I have kids old enough to read? How am I gonna explain to them that dad had to date a boat load of women until he came across their mom, and that if one day mommy dearest decides to leave dad they should tell her dad revealed to them his most treasured book is the limited edition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It, Here’s How. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Seriously though, ever wonder how Madonna’s gonna explain the Erotica video or the JPG pointed bra to her kids? I guess that’s where trust funds come in.

While in PH caught Definitely, Maybe, starring Ryan Reynolds and Abigail Breslin, on TV. In it Ryan has to tell his daughter Abigail the story of how he ended up with her mom, who he’s about to divorce. Sweetest movie ever. Also reminded me of my life and relationships I had been in. Movie also had me praying hard that I don’t have a daughter – with my mom having only male grandkids the odds don’t favour my not spawning females – so I won’t have to search for words to explain to her like Ryan did when Abigail tells him, “Dad, I love u, but can’t believe that u once smoked, and drank, and that you were a slut”. Er, if the year is 2030 and u are my daughter reading this while piloting ur flying car, just know that daddy loves u very much and is glad u are a girl, and wouldn’t swap u for a boy – who he’s sure woulda played for Arsenal FC – for all the money lent to nonpaying debtors in the Nigerian banking scandal of 2009.

A lot has happened since last blog entry and maybe it’s best to concentrate on that than the stupid actions that made Neo leave me. Here goes:

The Iranian Election: Kinda ironic that the flawed elections happened on June 12th, no? (*Only Nigerians might get that point*). I was so disappointed I didn’t know what to do. How can u justify treating one’s own people this way? As the violent election fallout occurred while revising for exams, and as I normally go all Spartan - read disheveled appearance, not killing wild animals in the snow - while studying, decided not to shave beard as a way to support the struggle in Iran. I know it’s a weird thang to do, but just like the problems in Nigeria I am at a loss at what other action to take in order to effect change. So for the past 10 weeks I haven’t shaved my goatee – after 4 weeks I decided just to stick to the goatee and shaved rest of facial hair ‘cos when I’d go to church peeps would look at me all weird thinking, “What’s this Muslim brother doing here?”, and kids would run to their parents when they saw me.

All in all I need to find another way to make my voice heard ‘cos this 10-week goatee thang ain’t having the desired impact. CNN’s Fareed Zakaria made a good point at highlighting the hypocrisy of Muslim leaders after the clampdown on Uighurs in China and the post-election violence in Iran. Not a peep was heard, but when the US or Israel or the West is involved riots break out. Taleban been blowing up fellow Muslims, no response from the so-called “leaders”; Western Sahara has been occupied by Morocco for yonks, still nada. U know I was gonna start the previous sentence by stating I have nada against Muslims and my best mate is Muslim, and I have Muslim family members, but think that’s what’s wrong with us. We put ethnicity and religion into everything . So if u upset and wanna balance things out in ur brain feel free to peruse previous blog entries and see where I have criticized Xtian leaders as well. Happy now, punk?

Twisted thinking due to post-exam ennui: Speaking of which while driving – read stuck in traffic yet again - around PH was struck by the number of photos of pastors and their partners accompanying billboards of churches. When did church leaders become a product? I am not talking about advertising a new church program or anything, nope, just a billboard describing church location. What gives?

Come to think of it on same day observed a microcosm of what’s wrong with Nigeria, the world even. U see I came across racist goats – saw two black goats chasing away a grey one. Can just imagine them saying (*in goat speak obviously*), “U black wannabe, wigger u. Coming here with ur blinged hoofs and bejeweled horns and ur baggy fur and ur goatee all corn-rowed up. U not from the hood son. Go up to the GRA with ur Caucasian brothers. Looking at our black sisters and all….Shiieeee….”

And like y’all know once my mind starts wandering it doesn’t stop. On same day while listening to Nigerian music thought of what better way to build up patriotic fervor in our kids by organizing a national spelling bee where kids get to spell words like, Ogborikoko or Toyentoyen or Chinekeme or Unugegbumadu, etc.

Also couldn’t help thinking about the dude that first devised the Marmite ad campaign. Dude’s either a genius or the laziest punk ever. Love it or hate it? What the?

Michael Jackson: Was watching The Situation Room on CNN when the news broke about MJ’s death. What a sad way to go. My favorite songs of his are Human Nature, PYT, Who Is It, Man In The Mirror and She’s Out Of My Life. Favorite videos? Probably Liberian Girl and The Making Of Thriller.

Of course after his death MJ’s videos were played ad nauseam and couldn’t help but notice the ff:
a. MJ might have had what Nigerians call the ‘H factor’ (an effect in speech where one consonantises – yup, a new word I invented - words that begin with a vowel by prefixing them with an H, hence ugly is pronounced ‘hugly’, after ‘hafter’, octopus ‘hoctopus’, etc.) Serious. Listen to Give In To Me again. Dude clearly sings, “…But it’s Hokay, And it’s Hokay…”
b. Bad is a really, really crappy song. Video is even worse. I think Michael wrote certain songs so one can’t dance to them without emulating the choreography that accompanied the video to the song. Think of it, how does one dance to Bad or Black Or White? Only li’l kids who don’t know any better or drunk white folk at weddings can successfully dance to those song and feel accomplished.
c. Now I get what the uproar at time was about concerning the panther sequence at the end of Black Or White. All that shirt ripping and nipple rubbing? Hee hee.
d. MJ’s been described as a genius, the king of pop, wacko. One description I feel was left out is the Pepe Le Pew of music. Watch The Way You Make Me Feel again and u’ll get the point.

Had to watch the Michael Jackson memorial – plan was to watch PTI on ESPN - ‘cos it rained heavily that day and only channel showing was BBC News, which broadcast the memorial. While watching the memorial thought to myself, “Guess what initially made me jaded about the whole MJ thang was folk desperately trying to cry on TV. U knew it was fake, it wasn’t ‘til a close friend called and said she cried when she heard about his death – she wouldn’t lie - that I understood what he meant to peeps. Maybe I am not that emotional, maybe…ooh Smokey Robinson’s on TV. Dude’s a cool cat. Tracks Of My Tears is one of my fave songs of all times.”

Saw Rev Al Sharpton at the memorial and couldn’t help but wonder where his church is. Is it beside Jesse Jackson’s as they seem to appear quick on the scene whenever there’s a news story with a ‘black’ undertone. Sharpton made the most poignant point of the night when he said though MJ may have been an icon to us it’s really his kids that have lost a father, his parents a son, his siblings a brother. The hokiest moment of the night? Well, that’d be a tie b/w Usher’s pretentious gaze at the coffin after singing Gone Too Soon, Brooke Shields’ attempt at humor, the rhinestone gloves donned by MJ’s brothers, and the unauthorized declaration by that lady from the U.S. House of Representatives to put forth a motion for MJ to be declared a national icon.

Politics: Sarah Palin might be a quitter, but she’s still hot. In fact she’s so hot the best thang about Eminem’s Relapse was her lookalike in the We Made You video.

Y’all heard about the Mark Sanford scandal? Teaches u once again that dissing Bill Clinton – Stanford was one of those who voted to impeach Clinton during the Lewinski scandal ‘cos “….if lying to the American people wasn’t bad enough he broke his vow to his wife” – can be likened to a player leaving Arsenal: ur career never attains same heights. Sanford sounded like Barry White when talking about his Argentine love. Ha. Oops, maybe I’d stop relishing this if I hope to assume public office someday.

“So why are we Hondurans so blasé? Our weak political memory is a defense mechanism. Too many times we’ve greeted the inauguration of a new president with optimism, only to eventually feel fooled and frustrated by the political incompetence and corruption that followed…..”

The previous paragraph was gleaned from a NY Times Op-Ed piece by a Honduran, Roger Marín Neda. He was commenting on the coup that forced the Honduran president Zelaya into exile. Replace ‘Hondurans’ with ‘Nigerians’ in the paragraph and that pretty much sums up all that ails us.

Mr. Neda went on, “……And Mr. Zelaya, in many ways, is a typical Honduran politician. He began his four-year term in January 2006, and by mid-2008, the idea of a second term was already in the air, even though it is forbidden by the Constitution. Since its independence from Spain in 1821, Honduras has had 16 constitutions, as these documents were vulnerable to leaders’ desire to extend their stay in office. The current constitution, which came into effect in 1982 after many years of military rule, was written to forever protect the country against presidents’ overstaying their welcome.

But over the years, the lust for power has proved too strong. The first president under the 1982 Constitution, Roberto Suazo Córdova, sought to eliminate the constitutional prohibition. Most of his successors have also tried, one way or another, to stay in the presidential palace longer than they were constitutionally allowed.”

Again that could be the sorry tale of Nigeria. I knew I was at my wit’s end when some weeks ago I found myself sympathizing with some of MEND’s policies, even though I am a pacifist – read wuss – and I don’t subscribe to kidnapping of innocents. What else can one do? Generations before have written about the deplorable Nigerian leadership yet nada’s changed. They’ve gone on exile, shouted from the rooftops, given interviews to the foreign media, yet the rot remains the same. My goatee-protest is having no effect, in fact it’s growing so long I have noticed it twisting into locks; I dunno what else to do. Who would have thunk Yar’Adua’s lackadaisical attitude to things would lead to menticide on my part?

Maybe it’s time we employed a different tactic in order to make our leaders listen. Didn’t know they cared until Obama shunned Nigeria, the self-proclaimed giant of Africa, for Ghana. Oh man, it ate at the venal punks. Ha, it ate at them so much the leaders of the Legislature refused to meet Mrs. Clinton when she showed up weeks after. Even then the US Secretary of State lambasted the failure of leadership in Nigeria. That hurt the thieves even more and the EFCC chairperson – what’s up with her and sunglasses anyways; she related to Sani Abacha or something? – tried to defend her actions since taking office. Quite amusing when one thinks about it.

I reckon the tactic we should employ is exposing our dirty linen for the world to mock, maybe then our leaders would have a sense of shame and do something. Forget the whole Good People, Great Nation rebranding schtick, we’d take pics of crap infrastructure and post it on the web. Tried to do this with our airline industry (www.pullingmyhairout-ng.com), but haven’t found the most effective way to expose the rot so please your suggestions are needed. Heck, if have secret documents indicting our rulers post it up.

Wanna know why the militants kidnap oil workers and not past Niger Delta state governors who looted the treasury? It’s ‘cos the former are within easy reach. I reckon we’d use similar tactics to disgrace our leaders; u mightn’t be able to reach ur senator but u’d probably bribe – yeah, I wrote it! – his/her maid to provide u dirt on the senator’s activities. U mightn’t be able to reach a top presidential aide but u’d reach his driver and convince him to ‘mistakenly’ pass a deplorable stretch of road so ‘His Excellency’ encounters what the general populace does. U a concert promoter? The next time a top artiste arrives in the country take them through Apapa-Oshodi express way and implore them to give honest answers the next time they asked about Nigeria. “I loved the Nigerian fans, they real good people. They just gotta do something about their crap roads and erratic power supply.” Now if only I can get R. Kelly to write a hit song like that.

Tot ziens and God bless.

Who would want a third nipple anyways?

Hola peeps. ¿Quién dijo que la responsabilidad era una tan buena cosa?

I know I told y’all it’d be a while b4 I blogged again, but need a canvas on which to sort stuff in my head out, and since I’d not go jogging this morning – more on that later – y’all are gonna have to do. Besides if y’all are lucky this post will be really short as my crap Bachelor feeding lifestyle – today I had two granola bars for breakfast, drank garri with groundnut for brunch, cornflakes and ice cream for lunch, powdered milk for er, er ‘cos I was peckish, and suya for supper – is making me long for a home-cooked meal, and even though it’s almost midnight I am tempted to wake up my married friends to see if they have any leftover food in the fridge.

This wouldn’t have happened if I still had Hot Cleaning Lady’s (HCL) number – it was on phone that was in luggage that got nicked in Holland. Actually I am pretty sure I can trace all that currently ills me to missing luggage. Peep this: I woke mad ‘cos I couldn’t go jogging. Why? ‘Cos laundry guy said he couldn’t provide clothes as at when due ‘cos of spate of downpours during the week, and my spare set of shorts was in missing luggage. Instead had to work out in pair of jeans and wasn’t too comfortable ‘cos was forced to wear ‘emergency’ boxers ‘cos of what I mentioned earlier about laundry guy. In fact I’ve had to recycle same three pairs of boxers shorts in the past week ‘cos of what I mentioned earlier about laundry guy. Saddest thang is I have noticed tread marks on emergency boxers – white in colour – that has led me to believe I either have runs on days I wear white boxers and don’t clean my arse too well afterwards or my farts have a way of staining whatever they come in contact with and I’ve just noticed it ‘cos of white boxers shorts. Or maybe I seem to have spray farts on days I wear white boxers shorts. Hmmm, maybe there’s a correlation between colour of boxer shorts and what I choose to consume…..or maybe the reading is getting to me.

Yeah, was also mad at having to start exam revisions from scratch when I already had my version of Cliff Notes in missing luggage. Decided to take a break from studying and while flipping channels I came across a report of Yul Brynner on the History Channel. What struck me most was a tale by the director John Frankenheimer. He said once he and Yul were discussing about their past relationships and he offered that some people refuse to get involved in relationships for fear of being hurt; Yul responded, and I am paraphrasing here, “Love is the most wonderful thing in the world and being in love and getting hurt is like going to the world’s best restaurant and having the world’s best meal, and then complaining when the check comes. Getting hurt is the check.”

That line threw me for a loop. I guess it resonated ‘cos lately been thinking of the relationships I have been in and the pros and cons of each ex, and how I mighta done things differently and such, and I got miffed. Not at any ex in particular or myself, just at some of the relationships that I wish had ‘fully’ ended if u know what I mean. Case in point is ex in Spain who has been calling lately, telling me she misses me and other soppy stuff. This is someone who was in the UK at the same time as moi in April yet came up with some excuse or the other not to meet up, and as soon as I left for Holland she started calling asking if I’d be returning to the UK soon. Back in October 1996 when I moved to the UK the first letter I wrote her was about the intriguing Asian chicks I met at Bradford and particularly some stunner called Bamini. Now I agree that that wasn’t the nicest way to update one’s girlfriend back in Nigeria about the goings-on at Bradford, but I was young(ish)….and Bamini was so scorching hot. Now I never did step to Bamini – she had a boyfriend at the time and later went out with her even hotter friend; yet another relationship I felt never ‘fully’ ended – but still when I returned to Nigeria for a 2 week vacation months later all ex did was tease me about Bamini. It was after I returned to the UK she started calling trying to have a ‘serious’ conversation. That’s what gets me miffed, that she still acts the same way even after 12 years.

That’s why I badly needed to go jogging earlier today. Jogging solo helps clear my head and work out frustrations. ‘Cos I am trying to be more organized and channel thoughts in a proper manner instead of haphazardly like I normally do I actually wrote down things I was mad about that I’d deal with during jog. This morning was supposed to be first trial ‘cos normally my jogging sessions go a li’l something like:

I am mad at ex in Spain for telling me she misses me and hopes we can be together. I am mad at the recent spate of rain showers that’s forcing me to wash my boxers shorts over and over again. What am I paying the laundry guy for? Mad at the rain for falling as soon as I had waxed my car. Mad at decision to cop white boxers shorts in Holland…well, I was in a hurry so can’t be faulted for picking whatever I saw on the shelf………(Lap 1)

Mad at the Labour government for pissing off everyone. They came into power in the UK few months after I moved to Bradford and promised so much. Now they just as crap as the Tories. Politicians, eh. Let’s not get started at the jokers here. The other day Goodluck Jonathan was at the Abuja Car Show and lamented that a huge nation as ours has not manufactured a car, yet punk failed to mention he and his buddies have put no policies in place, much less infrastructure to actualize such a dream. Mad at Yar’Adua for being Yar’Adua. Mad that I still get involved in conversations with colleagues at the firm when the subject of how crap Nigeria is comes up. Mad that I still have as clients those whose husbands are responsible for the dire state of the nation. Mad that more than 4 years after return to Nigeria I still have loadsa questions and no solutions……(Lap 2)

Mad that my thought process still goes off on tangent as demonstrated by previous laps. I mean I started this jog ‘cos of calls from ex and yet here I am about to think of goodness knows what next. Must stay focused, must stay focused. Yes, I am mad at ex for, what was I mad at her for in the first place? Who cares? It’s not like we ever getting back together, it’s just that she’s one of my favourite exs and wait, so if one of my not-so-fav exs asks what I really think of her would I honestly tell her? Nah, don’t think so. Been there, got the scar on the head to show for it. Speaking of scars I wonder if I’d step to mate’s sister who has a thang for scars. She’s real hot and…nah, might complicate things. U know how relationships are. Man, what I really need is George Clooney’s lifestyle. All the women he dates know he ain’t gonna marry them but they still date him. I need to find out where he gets his dates from…….(Lap 3)

Tweet tweet tweet, wait, what was I thinking about b4? Yes, Clooney. What does he have that I don’t? Okay there’s the hair, but I am sure I can get a toupee. There’s the fame. Hmmmm, that has to be it. Sure he has the money and the hair, but it’s the fame that keeps those women flocking even if they know he’s never gonna marry them. Look at Hugh Hefner for goodness sake. I need to get me famous. Let’s see, let’s see…..only way to achieve fame seems like my illusive TV show. Man, that’s another thang. Mad at myself that after 3 years nada’s happened with tee shirts or TV show idea. Man, once exams are done next month might have to take time off work to concentrate on those ventures….(Lap 4)

Woah, getting real tired. Maybe I’d stop…nah, I gotta keep going on. I gotta make it to sixth lap. But I am bored, I am tired of seeing same scenery over and over again. Maybe I’d get me an iPod nano to accompany me while jogging. Maybe not. How else would I be able to clear my head? Speaking of which, what else am I mad about? Yeah, I am mad that I am the only one that seems to notice Warri girls’ penchant for yellow trousers. Friggin’ yellow trousers, who wears them? Warri girls do, but no one else seems to notice. Hey, maybe that’d be the title of my book: ‘Haley Joel Osment sees dead people, I see girls in yellow trousers’. Ha. Man, I kill myself. Hmmm, if only I can transfer that to a TV show. It’d be like a cross of The Chappelle Show and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Yeah, yeah. Thang is might have to change format to webisodes ‘cos none of those I met affiliated with TV stations don’t think our democracy is at a point where u can take the piss outta politicians and not get ur TV station’s activities overslaughed or downright shut down. Hmmm, maybe I’d concentrate on writing that book first. Speaking of books, finally read Chief’s autobiography. Impressed with the man. Dude was crazy transparent, wasn’t he? I hear the moms weren’t too happy with the level of transparency and I can see where they are coming from, but hey, it’s his life. Funniest story relating to the book is regarding 7-year old niece who read the book and ran up to her mom screaming, “I didn’t know granddad has 3 wives!” Lol……(Lap 5)

Man, so tired, wanna stop. Nah, must keep going. Must think of the garri and cold water waiting at the end of this lap. Man, really need to get me a cook. Garri, garri garri…cold water, cold water, cold water…groundnut, groundnuts, groundnuts….Ha. Amazing what keeps me going, huh? Man, need to shave head after this. Think I am gonna leave beard unshaved ‘til after exams. Yeah, yeah. Man, can’t wait to get done with exams so I can take a week off in Lagos. I’d better treasure these visits ‘cos they becoming few and far between. It’ll be ace to see family gathered again for Ayo’s wedding – where I am the best man - in August. Yeah, dude’s stuck with August but as his bride-to-be is Muslim, and there’s a Muslim fast in August, they’d to move the wedding backward by a week. Man, wouldn’t that be funny? Peeps fasting and being forced to participate in a wedding? ‘Now we have the groom about to feed the bride…oh no, the bride has refused to open her mouth…oops, she’s fasting, that’s right.’ Ha. Man, I kill myself. Was real ace seeing entire family for Chief’s 70th birthday party. Day after the party I took nephews and nieces out to catch the movie BOLT. Man, it was so much fun…well, who am I kidding? Let’s just say it was fun spoiling them but I was drained. I need to rent that movie ‘cos I still can’t tell what happened ‘cos whenever a good scene came on someone wanted to use the bathroom. That’ll teach me for buying kiddies a bottle of soda each. Man, still amazed how kids can cry on cue if u don’t give them what they want. I wonder if I was like that as a kid…nah, probably not…..garri, garri garri…cold water, cold water, cold water…groundnut, groundnuts, groundnuts…..yeah, apart from one nephew being scared of the clown at the fun fair and then peeing on himself, and another nephew pouring ice-cream on himself it was fun being Superuncle. Woah, almost done. Okay now time for the sprint to finish off this lap. Here goes….(Lap 6)

Now u understand why I am pissed I didn’t get to go jogging and try out new ‘organized’ thought process. Even worse, I still have these thoughts in my head and no way to jog them out (Geddit? JOG them out, like JOGGING one’s memory? Aw, forget yous.); and telling y’all about them didn’t help either. So thanks for nothing folks. At times like these I reward myself with some candy, but I am trying to cut down on those too. Yeah I know, who am I kidding, right? Off to drive in the rain to get me some.

Tot ziens (yes, it’s back) and God bless.

PS
Was just thinking that tale of missing luggage could provide inspiration for a less offensive, more populist TV show, possibly a sitcom, and hopefully when it’s real successful and in syndication in Holland the perpetrators that took my luggage would sue me for not crediting them with the idea. Then I’d finally have my Charles Bronson-like revenge. (*Cue evil genius laugh*) Ha huh ha huh huh ha ha huh.

PPS
Just thinking (yes, again) the TV sitcom idea isn’t a bad one, even have the theme music lined up.
THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT TWIST TURNED UPSIDE DOWN I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE JUST SIT RIGHT THERE I'LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE OF A TOWN COUNTRY CALLED BELAIR HOLLAND.
IN WEST PHILADELPHIA LAGOS BORN AND RAISED ON THE PLAYGROUND IS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS CHILLIN OUT MAX AND RELAXIN ALL COOL AND SHOOTIN SOME B-BALL FOOTBALL OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS WHO WERE UP TO NO GOOD STARTED MAKIN TROUBLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I GOT IN ONE LITTLE FIGHT AND MY MOM GOT SCARED SHE SAID YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BELAIR I WHISTLED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR THE LISCENSE PLATE SAID FRESH AND THERE WERE DICE IN THE MIRROR IF I CAN SAY ANYTHING IT'S THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE BUT I THOUGHT NAW FORGET IT YO HOME TO BELAIR WE RODE UP TO THE HOUSE AROUND 7 OR 8 AN I YELLED TO THE CABBY YO HOLMES SMELL YOU LATER I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM I WAS FINALLY THERE TO SIT ON MY THRONE AS A PRINCE OF BELAIR STOLE MY SUITCASE. OH U JUST WAIT TIL I GET THEM. U JUST WAIT. HA HUH HA HUH HUH…

Once bitten twice shy u turn into a vampire

Hola peeps. Nunca he estado tan alegre ser detrás casero.

As has been the norm in last few blog entries ur fav blogger should begin this entry by apologizing to y’all and promising (yet again) not to stay away for such a long time and……well, ur fav blogger ain’t doing that. He’s gotta be upfront with y’all that his entries are gonna be few and far between until his exams are done in July. It’s just the way it is peeps. Believe me, so much has gone on that I would love to write to y’all daily but there just ain’t the time. I actually planned to write y’all when I arrived Holland on the 3rd of May, but my luggage got nicked outside the crib by the beach I was renting….at 3.30pm! What a RUUD awakening. (Geddit? Ruud, a Dutch name? Aww, forget yous. Y’all are never gonna get it. Punks.) B4 I tell y’all what I went thru lemme just say I think this incident – soon to be detailed in the yet-to-be-published Nancy Drew and The Case of The Black Man’s Missing Suitcase – made me realize it could be a sign to hold off on marriage for a while longer.

Peep this: Earlier this year Neo called outta the blue and we had an encouraging conversation. Was so ecstatic I contacted my sis Nike in the UK and told her to order an engagement ring for me. I kid thee not. As I didn’t have the foggiest idea what Neo’s ring size was I told her to get me an adjustable ring – apparently such things exist - using her finger as a base case. Few weeks later she said the ring she ordered online was delivered, but wasn’t up to her specification. Told her not to fret as I’d be in the UK in April and we’d go ring shopping together. Fast forward to April 30th and after roaming around Hatton Gardens for 30 minutes I gave up and told her I’d get the ring in Holland. As luggage (with all of UK shopping) got nicked the day I arrived on Dutch shores had to use bucks reserved for the ring to purchase emergency clothes. If that’s not a sign I dunno what is. I ain’t thinking about anything else ‘til my exams are done in July. After then MIGHT cop an engagement ring….MIGHT!

Man, never could believe my luggage would be stolen. Arrived at the crib I’d be renting with two female (MARRIED) colleagues but they weren’t in. Kept knocking on door for 30 minutes b4 I decided to go search for a pay phone so I’d call the landlord. A 5-minute walk yielded no success – do the Dutch have an allergy to pay phones?- I returned to find my heavy as heck suitcase missing. At that point I didn’t put my Nigerian hat on; I somehow felt my colleagues had returned, seen my suitcase, taken it in the house, and commenced a search for me. It wasn’t ‘til when I saw some dodgy dude glancing at me my Spidey sense started tingling that something might be up.

Tunde: Excuse me, did u see any suitcase here?
Dodgy dude (*avoiding eye contact and trying to escape*): I don’t know. I don’t know.

Dodgy dude them bums a cigarette off a passer-by and immediately walks away. I follow him, asking God to forgive me for judging dude just ‘cos he looked bedraggled. Somehow though I knew luggage was gone. Followed dodgy dude ‘til he took some dodgy route to an underpass then I backed off. I still had my passport and spare cash on me and didn’t wanna lose those either. Returned to the crib to find flatmates who said they hadn’t seen luggage. Friggin’ dodgy dude. I knew it was him from the beginning! Ran to the police station and made a statement. From the look on the policewoman’s face I knew not to get my hopes up. Got home and curled into a fetal position while banging my head on wall repeatedly – yes, I am that flexible - for being so foolish as to think no one would take suitcase. Didn’t think anyone would have the balls to nick a heavy-as-heck suitcase – was so heavy I had to pay 110 quid from Heathrow for excess baggage fee – in broad daylight. U know what makes this hurt even more? Earlier in the day I was chuffed that I had done good deed for the day ‘cos two teenage girls had asked me to cop some weed for them and I turned them down. Who knows maybe they were in on it with dodgy dude.

The police asked me to return the next day with a list of the things that were in suitcase – apparently I was too distraught on Sunday to think straight – and as I made out the list I shed a tear for each item. As I had been in the UK for a week prior I’d done loadsa shopping and only thang I planned to purchase in Holland after paying for rent and food for 3 weeks was an extra suitcase and the aforementioned ring. (I think I am most in touch with my feminine side when I shop for clothes and shoes. I get a buzz that doesn’t dissipate ‘til a day or two later. U’da seen me during day of shopping. For all the shirts I picked out I already had a set of pants to go with them. Even copped two skinny ties that woulda killed with a purple polo shirt. Now u can imagine why I was sad.)

It was during break on the first day of the course I copped emergency items: a hat, a jumper, two shirts, a pair of jeans, a facial cum nose hair clipper, and 6 pairs of boxer shorts. U’da seen me the day after rocking a grey hat, green jumper, light blue polo shirt, tight as heck jeans; I looked like an orphaned, geeky stepchild nobody wanted that was dressed by Stevie Wonder. It was almost as if I was paying penance for being stupid enough to leave suitcase in the first place. For the rest of the week had a recurring dream where I found someone wearing one of my clothes and clobbered the dude b4 calling the cops. I even got in full Charles Bronson (from the Death Wish movies) mode walking down dimly lit alleyways hoping, nah praying, someone would try to mug me so I’d take out my frustrations on them. I am friggin’ Nigerian for goodness sake! No way my stuff should get nicked.

I won’t lie losing the clothes and shoes hurt – u’da seen the shoes I bought they were brown leather with tassels, yup, I am bringing tassels back in style – but what made me shed extra tears were the books. I had been studying for these exams for over a year now and had my study notes just right. Do u know how difficult it is to sketch out various choreographs? I had hoped to pass them down to my son in case he chose the same line of work as his pops. And now these heirlooms are gone for good. Oh man, where do I start?

Few days after the dodgy dude nicked my stuff mom called to commiserate on missing luggage. As is the Nigerian way she threw a positive spin on it thanking God that I didn’t observe my bag getting nicked else I mighta wanted to act and the perpetrators mighta stabbed me or possibly worse. That got me thinking of all the sympathy votes I’da garnered….hmmmm. I know, I know it’s sick to think that way but lately that’s the kinda twisted reasoning my mind has been coming up with. For instance, I also tried to justify missing luggage as a chance to refine my wardrobe from tight fitting tee-shirts to oversize baggy shirts, u know like was popular in the mid 90s. Why? ‘Cos back in the UK I was taken to a nite club frequented by Naija folk and in between avoiding the girl with dodgy breath that wanted champagne – I was a wingman – and noticing I hadn’t been out clubbing for so long that I may have lost my mojo I saw a plethora of guys wearing tight fitting tees, almost like a scene from a typical gym when guys flex whenever they pass a mirror. Always prided myself on being different (I started shaving head clean at 16 b4 it became fashionable to do so, dyed hair blonde b4 Sisqo came and ruined it for moi, etc) and thought what would be more different than wearing baggy clothes while everyone was accentuating their guns with tight tees. I know someday I gotta get married and have kids and become more responsible, but until then it’s baggy shirts and dungarees, baby.

Speaking of kids the highlight of week spent in the UK was hanging with nephews and niece. I felt crazy chuffed after nephew Taiwo was trying to replicate a paper boat his teacher had made earlier in the day, and I did it. I friggin’ remembered how to make a boat outta paper; something I last did in kindergarten! Taiwo and his sister kept producing paper from their mom’s printer and I kept churning out boats. I even got cocky with it, timing myself, building paper boats blindfolded, it was amazing. I was like SuperUncle to them that day.

Saw other nephew Zane three days later and dude’s still as cheeky as ever, in other words he still reminds me of me as a kid. Dude’s also an Arsenal supporter –poor guy – and calls all Man Utd supporters girls. Dunno whether I’d be proud of this or be wary I may have a future hooligan on my hands. He told me a funny story about a dude in his class called Adrian who acts all effeminate and wants everyone to call him Princess Adriana. Now this dude is 5 years old, how come he already knows he wants to be a she? This is one of those instances I wish I was a filmmaker so I’d shoot a documentary on Adrian(a) and see how he/she develops as he/she grows older. The wonders of life, eh?

Kinda surprising that throughout years I spent at Bradford I didn’t tour Europe so this time I decided to visit friends in Sweden and France. Thank goodness I copped tickets to both places b4 the ‘incident’ in Holland else I’da spent airfare on clothing. So here’s a synopsis of both countries:

Gothenburg, Sweden: Arrived about 10pm Friday May 8th and took bus from airport to mate’s crib. Kinda disappointed there weren’t better-looking girls on bus, after all Scandinavian women are supposed to be blonde and beautiful. Met mate, had dinner, fell asleep watching Season 1 of Entourage. Apparently, she has links to websites where she downloads movies and TV series. Tsk, tsk, tsk. That didn’t stop me from wishing I had Vincent Chase’s lifestyle though.
Woke up about 11am the next day and went to explore the city of Gothenburg. Quite small city center. Things seem more expensive than the UK – I gather Norway’s even more expensive - and discovered alcohol’s regulated by the government and only one store chain is allowed to sell the stuff. Amazing. Wasn’t awestruck by any of the women ‘til went to a café with mate and her mates. U’da seen this girl peeps. She took my breath away with her looks. Everything was in slow motion the minute she walked into the café. Funniest thang is I’d tell just by looking at her that she has a better looking sister. Dunno why, I just could. After my exams I am desperately seeking a job in Sweden.
Left for Holland on Sunday May 10th and wished I’da spent more time in the country. As they say it’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all….even if it’s a girl across the café who (possibly) has a better looking sister and doesn’t know I exist. Oh yeah, also added fika and sanbo to my vocabulary; though I reckon the latter’s origin is from a pejorative.

Paris, France: Arrived about 10pm Friday May 15th and saw the most beautiful older black lady at the airport; think Bimbo Oloyede of Nigeria’s Channels News. Took subway from airport to hotel I shared with colleague. The subway stations are way larger than those in the UK, but aren’t maintained as well. To be honest they downright stink. Was crazy hungry so black nose led me to the KFC closest to the hotel. Quickly learnt to queue up in the line in front of the attendant that had a Union Jack and French flag inscribed on his nametag. Noticed some big black dude close to the cashier and later discovered he’s the security guard. Seems ALL shops, eateries, etc have BLACK security guards. In fact over the next few days I saw more black people in Paris than I had seen growing up in Nigeria.
Woke up early next day and did the touristy thang. Wore a short sleeve shirt hoping the weather would cooperate. Boy, was I wrong. Went to the top of the Eiffel Tower and couldn’t enjoy the view as much ‘cos it was crazy freezing. Impressive though. Amazing what man can achieve when he puts his mind to it. Was just as impressed by the Notre Dame and the ace shops on the Champs-Elysees. Last up on the agenda for the day was the Moulin Rouge. Now what can I say about the, ahem, art on display at the Moulin Rouge? The juggler was ace, the ventriloquist was amazing, but man, the breasts on display were…how best can one describe them? C’est magnifique. Suffice to say I dreamt of breasts so much for three consecutive days after the hour and a half of entertainment at the Moulin Rouge that I wanted to become a gynecologist. In a recurring theme in Paris there were loadsa black security guards outside the venue but just two black people on stage performing, and they were kept at the back. The black girl on stage wasn’t even allowed to show off her, ahem, assets. Maybe they were afraid she’d steal the attention from the other women ‘cos they all seemed to be about the same size. Oh to be a fly on the wall during the audition process. Er, we love ur dancing skills but er, ur breasts are slightly larger than our recommended size, and ur ribs aren’t protruding enough, so we can’t take u on. Ha. I’m sure it’d be the opposite at Hooters.
Left for Holland on Sunday May 17th and reckoned I spent just enough time in the country. At least we (i.e. moi and the Moulin Rouge girls) will always have Paris. Oh yeah, tried out my Pepe Le Pew French accent a few times, but luckily I wasn’t deemed unimportant enough to be punched in the face.

So that was gist of European adventure. Funny ‘cos after I spent 6 months in Arnhem, Holland in 1998 I felt I’d reside in Holland. I loved the place so much I even culled blog signoff phrase tot ziens from the Dutch. It took a missing suitcase and an obnoxious policeman to convince me the only Dutch words I’m gonna require next time I am in the country are reis verzekering (i.e. travel insurance).

Tot ziens Reis verzekering and God bless.

She rolls her own weed, that's why I love her. Miss Independent (Weedhead)….

Hola peeps. ¿Quién sabía que las compras para un refrigerador serían ésta difícil?

Again stayed away longer from y'all than I intended. Good thang I ain't married 'cos if I act this way with the Angelina Jolie-lookalike I'll marry she might think I am seeing someone else……..and she'd be right if the other person just happened to look more Angelia-ish than her. Ha. What kept me away from y'all this time? Studying! And u thought us strippers have nada upstairs? Au contraire, mon ami. (See what I did there? I fooled y'all with my polyglot skills, didn't I?) U know those global stripper exams I took 2 years ago that allowed moi to move to current firm? I am taking a more advanced exam and when I am done it's gonna set me up nicely to be poached by multinational firms looking to expand into virgin territory. A chance to travel, and being a pioneer - imagine li'l ol' moi running the first strip joint in Iraq - to boot? Where do I sign?!

So while all y'all having fun after work and on weekends I am swotting like crazy. Got so tired studying secret Persian stripper moves last Saturday I dumped the Lycra covered textbook and decided to watch a movie (or two….or three) on laptop. Saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, then Eagle Eye, then The Women. Three words: Bo-or-ring!!!! Slitting my wrists woulda been more fun, I tell ya.

(The fault is mine though, I shouldn't raise my expectations when peeps rave about a movie. Shoulda known what to expect when the same person that told me Slumdog Millionaire was "just okay" - it was so brilliant even though I watched it a month ago I still humour myself with my impression of the WWTBAM host: "what a playurrrrrr!" - raved about Eagle Eye. Reminds me of mates in ATL that practically badgered me to watch The Brothers. That movie had no storyline, and even worse had the ugliest set of women I'd seen in movies in ages. Apart from Tatyana Ali and the white chick, okay and Gabrielle Union, everyone else was oogly. If I wanna see oogly peeps I'd watch a British soap, no? C'mon!)

The Women was aiight, well best thang about it was seeing Meg Ryan's cute self again. She was my Angelina b4 Angelina became my Angelina, if u know what I mean. Eagle Eye was utter shite, and u gotta wonder who writes these movies, let alone who greenlights them. But the worst was surely Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Best thang about that utter crap was Cate Blanchett's hairstyle. We all know Lucas never could write, but when did Spielberg forget how to direct? Don't even get me started on Harrison Ford or the fact he can't hold the whip without his hands shaking. Sad…the cast of The Sopranos desperately seeking new jobs sad…nah, Miguel relationship status sad, that's how crappily sad that movie was. The Transformers sequel had better be good else I am giving up on Shia LaBeouf 'cos if he keeps this up his career would go the route of Kevin Costner and Nicholas Cage. Those guys' penchant for releasing crap movies needs to be basis of someone's PhD thesis.

It's a shame 'cos I really love movies and so I try not to judge actors based on their performance in one or two movies - except Messrs Cage and Costner who I've totally given up on - but u gotta wonder if folk indeed forget how to act. How else can u explain Pacino's performance in 88 Minutes? I mean acting should be like riding a bike, right? U'd get better the more u do it, right? Kept thinking about this while shutting down laptop after watching the trifecta of crap movies. It wasn't 'til the next day while frying attempting to fry plantains I kinda, sorta empathized with Pacino. I mean I used to be an ace cook - okay just in beans and plantains - but having not cooked since the Abacha administration I found myself texting peeps asking how best to fry plantains without getting oil splattered everywhere and singeing my hairy arms. So maybe, just maybe, if the Fresh Prince of Bradford (aka moi) can lose his knack for making puppy-dog faces that convince chicks to prepare him a meal, veteran actors like Pacino can temporarily lose the knack to convince those watching bootleg movies on their laptops they are playing characters other than themselves.

While taking a dump of charcoaled plantain later that day mate called from Sweden, but couldn't hear her clearly. It wasn't 'til she called few minutes after I discovered another innate talent: MY DOODLE DISRUPTS PHONE SIGNALS! No kidding. Like a good scientist I got peeps to call me over the next days while taking dumps in different locations to see if the results were repeatable. They were. I even changed my phone and got same results! Man, I'd be cast in HEROES. Do u know how much spy agencies like the CIA and MOSSAD would pay to have me? Do u know how much it cost the US security agencies to block phone signals during Obama's inauguration? In these days of global economic downturn I just might be the extra, extra, extra, extra cheap alternative to those fancy telephone signal scrambling gizmos. Just hook me up with some McD's strawberry milkshake and I am good to go.

(Oh yeah, it was 'cos of the milkshake I first discovered I was lactose intolerant. This happened 5 years ago. Guess I'm discovering my powers late 'cos it was also in the 90s I learned to whistle, skip with both feet off the ground - prior to that I used to do a gallop-skip thang - and walk properly, i.e. walk beside someone without bumping into them, almost like the conjoined twins on Stuck On You after they got separated.)

The doodle-phone scrambling discovery got me thinking of other ways to provide a cheaper alternative to peeps seeking various services. 'Cos money's too tight to mention globally I recently read that in order to avoid budget cuts a local US TV station's taking to placing McD's coffee cups in plain view during their newscasts; a teacher asked for parents to buy ad space on their kids' exam papers; and an American soap opera included an advertiser's product in their script. Hey Stacy, is that Campbell's Chicken Soup u having? I hear it is really filling. Can I have some? I really need to keep my strength up as just discovered my husband is sleeping with the neighbor's stepson's gay best friend's sister's masseur/tennis coach.

So far I have come up with the ff ideas that'd save u a bundle:
a) A boli and fish drive-thru
b) Bottling zobo in faux champagne bottles. C'mon tell me it wouldn't be fun if two chicks got into a fight in a nightclub and threw chilled zobo on each other

U laugh now but when u munching on McTunde's boli and fish® and washing it down with Moet and Zobo® don't say u weren't given an opportunity to invest in my upstart for the teeny weeny fee of $100 a share.

As is the bane of my life when I start something I find it hard to stop, be it blogging, nicking freshly cut pineapples from mom's fridge as a kid, or thinking. So what started out as thinking up novel business ideas quickly turned into existential ish. So much so I actually thought about printing a business card listing my occupation as THINKER. No kidding. Also thought about teaching a class or writing a self-help book on Hip Hop philosophy, where I would posit theories such as the difference in longevity b/w Diddy's and Vanilla Ice's careers being due to the word "STOP" and Diddy's assured take on it. For example, Vanilla's lyrics include "Will we ever STOP? I don't know", while Diddy's been known to blurt out, "Bad Boy, we won't STOP", one too many times.

In my class I'd also talk about how Vanilla Ice and Dr. Dre are problem solvers yet their approaches vary. Vanilla: "If u got a problem, yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ resolves it."
Dr Dre: "U got a problem? I got a problem solver and his name is revolver."

What do these lines have in common apart from being crap pieces of rhyme that a kindergarten pupil would be proud of? Suge Knight! Suge threatened Vanilla to sign over royalties to Ice, Ice Baby and probably threatened Dre after he left Deathrow. Since Dre hung out with Suge a lot more than Vanilla did it probably influenced his more violent approach to solving problems. See where I am going with this? Pssttt, honestly I don't have the foggiest where I am going with this; my mind just goes off on its own tangent at times. Let's see if I can stop going on and on and provide y'all with a real short version on what's happened in my life since last blog entry. Wish me luck….

Relationship news: Made it to Lagos on eve of Val's day and surprised the current favorite to take over Neo's position. She felt like having a Chinese meal on the Island and 'cos there was crazy traffic on way there we decided to stop at the first Chinese restaurant we saw. Big mistake. That was my fourth time at Marco Polo - first time the meal was aiight, second time it was so-so, third time it was too salty - and NEVER going back. They had a Val's Day menu that was fixed so one couldn't order outside of what was on offer. The food was crap when it arrived, kept reminding waiter to do his job, and we were shepherded like goods on a conveyor belt. Aarrrgggghhhh!!!! I'da gone to McD's and had a better time. Ordered a cheesecake for dessert - suspect that's what gave me the runs the next day - and even that was flat. Paid the bill and got outside only to find that ride was blocked off at the front and the back - it took 15 minutes for some dude who needs to skip a few meals to move his ride. To top it all off Neo's would-be replacement was so pissed she refused to kiss me goodnight. Like it was my fault the restaurant was crap. I flew in from Warri for goodness sake and that wasn't enough for her?! Reminds me of girlfriend number…hold on, I gotta count….yeah, girlfriend number 5 (or was it 6?) who got mad that I didn't get her a graduation present even though I flew in from Holland to the UK 'cos of the graduation. No mas. I am putting my (pedicured) foot down. From now on all Neo wannabes are gonna have to jump through hoops to get a pic of my abs.

Family news: In the past month Ayo's moved his wedding to September, then back to August, then forward to September. As at yesterday 2352hrs it was scheduled for August. Fingers crossed it doesn't get moved again 'cos boss is starting to get peeved at my constant changing of vacation schedule.

In other would-normally-be-pressure-inducing-but-leave-far-from-family-so-they-can't-stress-me-as-much news baby bro Jide proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years on Val's day. Good on him. They plan to get married some time next year. So Chief's plan to have all his kids hitched by his 70th birthday didn't quite work out, but at the rate his kids are getting married and having kids we might have to hold his 75th birthday at a stadium just so we can all fit in.

Somewhat relationship news but not quite so news: Drove to Lagos a week after Val's day for mate's wedding where I was a groom's man. Musta been the worst groom's man in history 'cos got to the venue after the church service had ended. Blame it on Lagos traffic 'cos though I left the crib at 9.30am (even though the church service was scheduled for 11.00am) I didn't arrive at the venue 'til 1.30pm when the reception was just kicking off. Was feeling well bummed out by the time I got home only to find my mom in deep discussion with her close friend about my marital status.

I gotta ask, is there something about me that says to family members If u gonna try hook me up don't consider the type of stunners I have dated, instead set me up with girls I wouldn't find attractive even if my life depended on it? (Kinda reminds me of this British comedian's joke about how white guys always choose the flyest black chicks to date, yet black guys pick white chicks that even white guys wouldn't date.) U'da heard what my mom's mate was spewing. "If he wants Yoruba girls I already have two in mind for him; one works in a bank, the other, well, not sure what she does but I know she'll be good for him. Her looks? Well, er, er, well, looks ain't everything. Besides I don't think we'd get him women that are too pretty." Huh? I like, nah LOVE, extra, extra pretty women. Apart from stripping and taking a dump and watching movies my other form of exercise/entertainment is talking to extra pretty women. If I wasn't still keen on ruling Nigeria someday I'd emigrate.

Entertainment news: Last month stayed awake all night to watch the Oscars…and they were dire. Hugh Jackman tried his utmost to enliven the atmosphere, but there was just something wrong. I miss watching clips of performances of those nominated. The whole 'past winners come present award' shtick was a tired concept. Imagine if they'd done that for everything from cinematography to animated shorts. Highlight of the night was Steve Martin and Tina Fey presenting the screenwriting award. Nada like comedians, eh? Once again I appeal to Angelina Jolie to dump Brad for me. She needs a dude who can stand up to her…at least some of the time. Dude's so whooped he wore a green ring to match Angelina's green earrings and necklace. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Rihanna and Chris Brown? Nah, too easy. Wayyyyyy too easy.

News news: Well, we almost at 100 days into the Obama administration and all I can say is, wake me up when something interesting happens. There's only so many times I can tune to CNN and hear something about this bailout or that bailout.
(Speaking of CNN they seem to be running outta news anchors 'cos they've now taken to drafting sports anchors to read main news and actually watched a male English anchor slyly diss a female Canadian anchor by saying, "….oh a cranking of wheels, where did that come from?" after she expressed an opinion. Now if they had a reality show based on CNN anchors that I'd watch. Back Story ko, iReport ni. )

Even Americans are so bored all they seem to talk about is Michelle Obama's toned arms. This would be the perfect time for the opposition to hunker down and try to come up with a strategy to win back the hearts of the people. Instead they serve us Michael Steele. First Sarah Palin, now Michael Steele? These guys are in more trouble than I thought.

I miss the good ol' days of the campaign trail. Then I used to have this recurring dream where I was married to Michelle Obama and she'd badger me about text messages on phone that were from Sarah Palin. Now the schwerpunkt of my dreams is practicing strange dance routines. Oh the pain, the pain!

On a local scene, nah, too depressing. We almost two years into this punk's administration and the only thang he's succeeded at is getting his daughters hitched to state governors. Please wake me up when it's over.

Old skool news: Met up with a buddy from boarding school I hadn't seen in 12 years and dude hasn't changed one bit. He's changed physically, but deep down he's still as 'timeless' (FGC Warri guys would know what that means) as ever. Hooked me up with another college mate I hadn't seen in 16 years and dude's as aloof as I remember. That led me to think…oh no, not with the thinking again….that, contrary to what Rocky Balboa asserts at the end of Rocky IV, maybe us humans never truly change. And maybe best way to REALLY find out about someone is from peeps they went to school with. Oh man, if I can do further research on this, publish my findings and give out a free copy of my book with every kiddies meal at McTunde's boli and fish® I'd be a publisher's cheaper alternative to Malcolm Gladwell. Now where can I get me some hair plugs?

Warri news: Last week while admiring my abs in front of the mirror one of nicest tea ladies at the firm called and said she was fired 'cos she's not from "the area". So this punk ass Nigerian national character thang is spreading from political appointees to tea ladies?! What gives? What's wrong with this country when a Nigerian cannot work in another part of the country 'cos they not from that area? We should be ashamed of ourselves. I was so miffed I was gonna write a letter to her bosses condemning their actions when I heard a gun shot. Then I heard more gun shots. Silently turned off the air conditioner, turned on the fan, switched off the lights, then put my phone on vibrate. Always prided myself in not being easily scared, but guess it's different when the danger is real close. Woke up the next morning clutching my bible, and that's when I realized 'cos of fear of getting shot I'd nodded off at 8pm! Ha. Hmmm….fear could be a cheaper alternative to valium.

As I type this the generator is on. Yes, I am not as enamored with PHCN as in last blog entry. That's 'cos they have made me just as scared of them as the average Nigerian. Last week had no power for two consecutive days so when they provided power for an entire day I found myself praying they'd cease power soon 'cos when they decide to 'do their thang' it might last for weeks. I hate that they make me feel this way. Recently received a PHCN bill and tried to call contact number but quickly realized it's outmoded; probably last worked in the 1980s. Anyways asked a colleague where the nearest PHCN office was and he told me, but not b4 relaying his experience with PHCN boss who told him to get married after he queried why power bill was impossibly high for a crib he resides in one day a month. Cheeky bugger. Plan to go there myself and if I get the run around I'll not take NO for an answer. Might have to go there with a secret recording device so if I get told same ol' bull as mate I'll have something to use against him. After all Obama's victory has shown us that….lol…sorry peeps I didn't mean to go there. It's just that ever since November 4th every punk ass politician here uses Obama's electoral success as an analogy for whatever snake oil they trying to sell us. Saw a report on how trying it was for black Iraqis to get on the ballot for the just concluded Iraqi elections TV; those can use Obama's ascent for inspiration, not our venal politicians, not folk in Uganda who use his name for a nite club, and certainly not inept Nigerian football administrators who believe Obama's victory "shows that Nigerian can win the World Cup."

PH news: Yup, been a while since I visited PH but decided to drop by to see 15-month-married mate and his family. Was cool hanging with other PH peeps, but some things just don't change as there was petrol scarcity, crazy traffic jams, and no power supply. Highlight of trip was seeing single mate's new girlfriend. Dude's acting all blasé about it, but it's obvious he likes her. She's real foiiiiiine and best of all bakes cakes. She brought a cake from Lagos for the dude's birthday and it tasted yummy. Later discovered from 15-month-married mate's wife that foiiiiiine chick ain't too sure of her standing with mate and is hoping he proposes soon. Woah, so while us guys were watching TV at mate's house, cheering on Arsenal as they beat Newcastle (3-1) the ladies were having a tete-a-tete about marriage; foolish me for thinking they were cooing over 15-month-married mate's baby.

15-month-married mate's wife assured her that things will be cool, after all she was in a similar position 2 years ago and now she's married with a baby. Go Oprah! All I know is mate's gonna be stupid to let go off her; she bakes cakes for goodness sake!!!!!

Work news: The effect of the global recession can now be seen in the firm's approach to everything from meal subsidies to accommodation. Earlier in the week I was informed a few of us would be flown to a secluded beach to shoot our annual calendar. Yes, I know it's already end of 1st quarter 2009, but if the National Assembly can't pass a budget 'til late in the fiscal year u expect a bunch of professional thong wearers to be on point with their 2009 calendar? Puh-leeese.

So get on the chopper and 20 minutes later we at some crap beach that looked the setting of a bad horror movie. While waiting on the camera crew to get ready I ask for my room and after hemming and hawing the director of the shoot confessed the firm didn't provide enough funds for single rooms so I'd have to share a room. I'm pissed, and make it clear to the director I'd not stand for such treatment next time 'cos last month I was put up in a stank ass motel that had no remote controlled TVs, so spent my nights real close to the TV flipping channels with my toes. Daniel Day Lewis hand me that Oscar.

After the shoot wraps up I take a shower and when I step out of the bathroom I find the director on the bed posing like Michael Jackson on the Thriller album cover. Uh oh. Ain't no way I am sharing a bed with that guy. So I make up some excuse and went on an extra, extra long walk on the beach - sadly, there was no sunset to gaze at - hoping by the time I got back he'd be fast asleep. If only. Dude woke up soon as I opened the door and patted up a pillow for me. Gulp. Where's the sound of gunfire when u need it?

Tot ziens and God bless.

Blame it on the bow legs

Hola peeps. ¿Es la vida realmente como una caja de chocolates?

Just returned from Warri airstrip where I went to cop tickets to Lagos for Friday so I’d surprise latest candidate for Neo’s position on Saturday. Never been keen on Val’s day but it’s a big thang for her so might as well indulge. If this ends up being crap, then I give up on dating. I’ll submit an application to star in The Bachelor and pick a bride from the bevy of scarily desperate beauties. No joking.

While we on the subject of desperados my main man Miguel Mugu has done it again. Dude’s been in Nigeria six months and is STILL getting dogged by chicks everywhere he turns. The latest incident occurred last week when cheapskate was too stingy to call a chick he fancies on her birthday. He sent a text instead and is now wondering why chick’s mad. Tsk, tsk, tsk. If u a female reading this and u happen to come across some mugu with no game named Miguel, please, please, please be nice to him else dude might pack his bags and return to the ATL. Now that’d not be such a bad thang, but I promised his mom I’d get him married off within a year. Who woulda thunk with all the single girls in Lagos it would be such an arduous task?

Just last month a mate in Lagos described the increasing ratio of women to men in that city as akin to the dollar-naira ratio, where an eligible bachelor any man with a heartbeat is the dollar and the vast number of women at his beck and call are the naira. My bro Ayo – ladies, dude’s getting married in August so get ur manicured fingers ready if u wanna object at the wedding - acknowledged things are so bad “one can smack a girl in public and she’d be the one to apologise just ‘cos she wants to get married.” And YET Miguel Mugu is still professing love to anything with mammary glands and getting no play. Sad.

On a serious tip I really feel for chicks out there. While in Lagos a mate and I had drinks with some platonic female friends who, though quite successful in their professional endeavours, are in the dumps about their relationships, or rather, the lack thereof. Dunno whether it was their mojitos or just that they needed to get stuff off their chest, but they just went on and on about wanting to settle down and start a family. When I asked if they were too picky one confessed that she probably was earlier in life, and missed out on a few good men. Told them they probably needed to apply same focus in their social lives as they do in their professional lives. One of them agreed - suck on that Oprah and Dr. Phil! - and told a tale of her mate who fought to get on everyone’s bridal train and bought aso ebis for every wedding she heard about until she landed herself a groom’s man. “I was one of those ridiculing her at the start. Now she’s married with a kid. Maybe I’d adopt the same strategy.”

Oh boy, the night’s getting maudlin. This wasn’t what I expected. Must do something to cheer everyone up. Wonder if the ladies would love to see my newly improved six-pack. Wait, the girl in braids in finally opening her mouth…

The girl in braids gave a humorous anecdote about wanting to peel her skin with a blunt razor after a blind date with a dude that liked the sound of his voice. Another talked about her Muslim friend who asked her parents to set her up on dates with Muslim guys – discovered this practice is termed Halal dating - ‘cos she always wanted to marry a fellow Muslim and was tired of waiting for the right one to come along. After four unsuccessful dates Halal-dater met a guy she felt compatible with and got hitched within six months.

At the end of the night I went on my knees and thanked God for making me a man. Goodness knows if I was a woman with as high a libido as I have I probably woulda been loose as heck; people woulda probably called me Slutina or something like that behind my back, thus putting a serious crimp in my marriage-worthy prospects. Hey, I am just being honest.

Enough about relationships…for now. How y’all been? I know I promised after last blog entry I wouldn’t stay away for so long, but work’s been intense. The firm, ahem, ‘right-sized’ staff numbers so rest of us lucky ones are left carrying the load. U know things are bad when ur most loyal clients start asking if they can get a lap dance on credit. One even offered to write me a post-dated cheque. This is the human face of the global economic downturn peeps, this is it.

Today’s the first time in the 1⅓ years since I’ve been in Warri that I experienced a traffic jam. The scene reminded me of Lagos, right down to the hawkers. In quintessential Warri style a dude hawking CDs came by my window and wouldn’t budge even when I feigned indifference. In one last attempt to make a sale dude said, “Bros, na me sing for this CD. Buy am na. U no dey encourage me o.”

Though was away for only a month things in Warri have changed dramatically...and not altogether for the better:

1. Noticed a new tax charge in my payslip for street lights and wasn’t too bothered ‘til someone mentioned the street lights are powered by diesel generators instead of solar panels. If that wasn’t bad enough a week later I saw street lights on Airport Road still turned on at 1pm! Come on. If I had been driving Parminder I’da crashed her into one of the streetlights just for the heck of it.
2. Some Einstein convinced the government to install two humungous TVs connected to a satellite dish at the main entrance to Warri. U’d think the TV would screen safe driving tips or programmes on proper waste disposal, u know stuff that’s relevant. No siree. Instead while driving to airport to pick up mate last Sunday I saw the Tottenham vs Arsenal game showing. Eagerly awaiting news reports of a footie fan being run over by a car....
3. During the past fortnight I have only had to use my generator twice, and then for li’l over 3 hours! And y’all are probably wondering what’s so bad about that, right? Well, last week neighbour tells me the houses in the area have been asked to donate two grand per month in order to “encourage PHCN to keep doing their good work”. Now paying a few extra naira a month for constant power supply isn’t the problem, it’s just that it’s PHCN’s job for goodness sake! They’d strive to provide constant power without any payola from moi or other hardworking Nigerians. That said, I’m loving how cool my room gets when I turn on the air conditioner. Aaaahhhh.

Yes, since last blog entry I copped an air conditioner for my room and no longer bored in crib as flatmate’s moved in….and he brought along his chequebook. Hurray.

Drove down from Lagos to Warri on the 17th of last month and Miss Beckinsale drove like a dream. Surprisingly the roads weren’t as bad as last time I travelled with Married-14-months-with-a-3-month-old-kid mate. Well, most roads were better than I remember, apart from those in Benin City. My goodness! There was one road that reminded me of the parting of the Red Sea from The Ten Commandments. Wouldn’t like to pass there when it rains. The current governor sure has his work cut out.

The entire trip took about 7 hours and musta lost at least an hour and a half to police check-points, but it’s all good. Funniest requests were for “valid customs form” and “certificate of road worthiness”. Politely showed them a press release by the Inspector General of Police that reads drivers are only required to show their driver’s license and certificate of insurance. Talk about a Gotcha! for the ages. Even with that some cops seemed to make up stuff as they went along. That was cue to pull out cell phone and buzz contacts in the upper echelon of the police. Yup, when u big u big, when u large u in charge.

Was crazy knackered by the time I got in I didn’t bother unpacking. Drove to a bar to get stuff to eat and watch the Hull vs Arsenal game.

(Sorry to digress but I don’t know what else to do about this Arsenal team. No excuses about injuries, I gotta blame the manager for not realizing Bendtner is a substitute at best. That dude and Eboue should either be sold or paid to stay away from the team. The rest of the team? Arrrggghhhh. Man, if the dude don’t finish top four this season think it’s time to fire Arsene. I know the mere thought bothers on sacrilege, but what option we left with? I hate that sports does this to me....)

After the game stayed behind for a drink with friends and wouldn’t u know it Asari Dokubo walked in. Yup, same Asari Dokubo that was jailed for treason under the Obasanjo regime. Turns out that the bar was hosting an awards night for “those that support the Niger Delta struggle”. Didn’t dare move, this was too fascinating to leave. Man, u shoulda seen the way that dude was treated. A Martian visiting Nigeria for the first time would think Asari was president or a god of some kind. Felt kinda bad for the dude ‘cos the peeps were so in awe of him he was invited to hand out EVERY award. Amazing.

A day later I attended a weeklong residential course so just familiarizing myself with crib again. Had to call in a new plumber to fix issue with bathroom sink and it worked fine when he was here, but the next day noticed sink started leaking again. That ain’t even the main issue. Y’all know how much I love chilling on the toilet bowl, right? Well, dunno what plumber did but toilet don’t flush like it used to. Initially I thought I had to change diet after doodle would still hang around after numerous flushes. It wasn’t ‘til a friend came over and asked to use the loo that I realized the fault wasn’t to do with my recent boli and fish diet.

Oh by the way Miss Stankonia if u reading this I want u to know it took four flushes and two buckets of water to get rid of ur not-so-nice parting gift. Now u know why I no longer answer ur calls. U and ur nasty (and not in a good way) self.

Man, Nigerian artisans just keep pissing me off. Why don’t they admit when they can’t fix stuff? First, plumber doesn’t fix bathroom properly, then dude that “fixed” refrigerator said he’d “assist” me by not charging me for workmanship if I bought a new compressor. This after the previous refrigerator compressor he bought and installed lasted all of two weeks. There must be something about my face, or the way I request stuff, that makes peeps hike up their price. This is how peeps become serial killers, I tell u.

I have told y’all in previous blog entries about exorbitant prices charged by mechanic that fixed Parminder, right? I reckon the word has spread around Warri that there’s a bald guy with a goatee who doesn’t haggle. That has to be it ‘cos three days ago I see a little girl selling agbalumo and when I ask how much they go for she said 10 naira. Knew I was getting fleeced – oh, y’all wanna tell me one teeny weeny agbalumo costs the same as an orange? – when after I copped two agbalumos (or is it agbalumi?) she gave me one gratis.

(Background: Hot cleaning lady from former accommodation stopped by crib last week. On way to drop her off convinced her to take me to the nearest market. Told her what I wanted, she haggled on my behalf, and I handed over the cash. The next day I realized I wanted some fruit so drove to the same stall where hot cleaning lady (from hereon referred to as HCL) copped household items and convinced the attendant to buy oranges for moi as not adept at haggling. It was a case of ‘penny wise pound foolish’ ‘cos ended up buying stuff I didn’t need from her. That said, ain’t no way I’da bought 10 oranges for 100 naira.)

Even the lady I cop boli and fish from thrice a week raises her prices when she sees me. I am on to her, and as soon as I find another boli and fish trader nearby I am moving my business there. In the meantime think I am gonna have HCL on speed dial.

More Warri news: Recently attended meeting for new joiners – those with less than five years experience - at the firm. Been invited a few times but never attended before ‘cos, well, ‘cos....dunno. Just never felt like going; same way I don’t get up in church when they recognise visitors. Pssst, in all honesty only chose to attend this meeting ‘cos they said food was gonna be served – flat mate doesn’t cook. He lied, he lied! Boo hoo. The meeting ended and no food was offered - they lied, they lied! However, at the end of the day we were asked to adopt a friend. Looked across the room at this fly mamasita. As I walked up to her I’d tell she knew I was coming her way ‘cos she started acting all coy and turned away. As she turned around so we’d start a conversation I bypassed her and spoke to the dude with the wedding band. The way I figure his wife probably cooks, and chances are this chick mightn’t. (Her nails were crazy long, like Coco Riley of SWV fame.) Yup, he admitted his wife’s a heckuva cook and he invited me to lunch next week. Joy oh joy.

Got me some dude to do laundry and as I type this I’m praying he shows up soon ‘cos I am down to my last ‘emergency’ briefs. Now one can argue about the merits of giving one’s boxer shorts to someone else to launder, but I reckon since dude’s charging me twice as much as chick that recommended him – was I right or was I right about Warri folk being in cahoots to fleece moi? – I’ll get my money’s worth until I find a replacement. Problem is dude takes his time in returning laundry and might be forced to go ‘sailing’ if I don’t get boxer shorts soon.

To the uninitiated (i.e. those that didn’t attend FGC Warri) ‘sailing’ was a term we used to describe going sans underwear. Can’t remember who started the trend, but it caught on like a house on fire lie. (Geddit? Geddit? Liar, liar, pants/undies on fire? Aw forget yous). Experimented with ‘sailing’ on and off for a week, but it wasn’t ‘til I read somewhere that Michael Hutchence never wore underwear during a performance that I became a fulltime ‘sailor’. The way I figure if ‘sailing’ is good enough for him to land Kylie Minogue and Helena Christensen then I had to give it a shot.

After three weeks gave up on trying to be a Popeye when I discovered I wasn’t, ahem, mature enough to handle such a monumental responsibility. What made me change my mind? Two words: Angela Edison. (I know that name sounds like it’d belong to some hot chick, but Miss Edison was far from hot….so far from hot that she was given the sobriquet Cavewoman, or Cavey for short, by her own friends!)

So I am seated beside Miss Edison in Maths class when the teacher steps out of class for a few minutes. Miss Edison discovers her pen BIC is no longer working so she tries to grab mine that’s lying on a notebook on the table. In the process of fending her off she grazes her ample bosoms on my elbow…..repeatedly – so much so that I began to suspect her BIC wasn’t faulty in the first place. Not that I cared; I was so ensorcelled by Miss Edison’s weapons of mass distraction that I didn’t when teacher entered the classroom. “U over there disturbing the girl. Go kneel down in the corner!” I was forced to shuffle past Miss Edison while trying to disguise my obvious, ahem, excitement from the class. Needless to say I wasn’t successful at it and got teased about it for weeks on end by classmates. That incident with Miss Edison definitely put paid to my short-lived, albeit enjoyable, career in the navy.

Still so scarred by what happened I have refused to go ‘sailing’ ever since, and if laundry guy doesn’t drop off clothes today I’d have no choice but to don swimming trunks tomorrow ‘for support’. Yes, it’ll be crazy uncomfortable and I’d probably have a chafed crotch by the end of the day, but what choice does a blogger have?

Tot ziens and God bless.