Ba-ba-tunde, have you any wool?

Hola peeps.

Just returned from my monthly spa treatment where I g0t mani+pedi, body scrub and massage done. Woulda gotten a shave as well but the queue was too long so decided to do it myself at home, which I intend to do once I am done with this. Massage wasn’t with Aminaarghhh as her spot has similar mani+pedi services, but they aren’t as good as place I went to today so I only go to her when I want proper deep tissue massages, that is, when I wanna come closest to seeing what POWs go through in all those Hollywood movies I saw as a kid.

When I visited her last month, she commented on my lack of abs. “I have known you for years now and every time you come here you complain about some pain or the other sustained from kickboxing, pumping weights or running. How come you have no abs then?” You know the saying, “once you are having to explain you have already lost”? That didn’t stop me though. Erm, you see since my knee surgery I haven’t been running as much, plus I was off exercise for over 4 months while recuperating….erm, have you seen boxers or MMA fighters during the offseason, they are not cut as well. Some of them are actually fat. Besides, give me a few more months and you’ll see my abs will come out. Wait, it’s probably ‘cos the light here is dim. Under proper lighting you will notice some of my abs. Plus, I ate before I came here. You should see me in the mornings after I get up or after my calisthenics workouts on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, my abs are out then.  It was only after I was done I realized my voice was an octave higher. Damn Aminaaarghhh, now she’s got me on YouTube searching for ways to reduce belly fat and skipping videos that mention avoiding sugar. Cannot wait to see her next week so I can fart in her face when she’s massaging my lower back. Must ensure I have loadsa dairy the night before.

Speaking of, I skipped on calisthenics and kickboxing classes this morning ‘cos I woke up about 330am with a bad case of the runs. This type of poop was a new experience for me as it fell sprinkled out of me like sand in an hourglass and settled at the bottom of bog bowl in a conical shape. It was a work of art and I woulda taken a pic of it for posterity if I wasn’t hurting so much. Titubated back to bed then sent voice notes to calisthenics and kickboxing coaches cancelling class. Last thing I would want is to poop my pants while suspended 3ft horizontally off the floor attempting a Human Flag. Truth be told my attempts lately have been more along the lines of Human Windsock or Human Inflatable Tubeman than Human Flag. With calisthenics classes I need to get to the point I am now with kickboxing, where I am chomping at the bit when it’s time for the class and don’t need to psyche myself up for them. It used to be that way first few years of kickboxing training but now I get thrilled at the thought of (avoiding) getting punched in the face or body during sparring. With calisthenics and morning 10km runs, I must motivate myself at least a night before.

Further speaking of, think I am finally ready for a marathon, not cause timing or stamina has improved but ‘cos I don’t get as antsy about pooping on myself anymore. Before, I would weigh going running or not for fear of pooping, but since I decided that whenever I get poop pangs I’d halt running and get a boda home I haven’t had the cravings. It’s remarkable, ‘cos before if I decided to go for, say, a 10km run I’d not wanna stop until it’s completed. But now that I have given myself an out there are no more poop pangs. Weird.

Mate plans to compete in the Kenya Wildlife Marathon this month and wouldn’t mind doing it next year after the Paris marathon in April. Hopefully, I would be on better terms with the world’s animals ‘cos since I moved back into refurbished apartment I have been swarmed by flies and cats. There’s wire mesh installed on bedroom windows to prevent insects so dunno how the flies appear every evening when I am back from work. They seem to have taken over tormenting me from the lizards that used to lounge around windowsill of bathroom. Well, they and this one obdurate cat who keeps leaving unpleasant gifts outside my apartment. There are a few cats in the apartment complex, so I am not sure if it’s one that’s messing with me, or they do it in shifts. Is it ‘cos I fail to pet or feed it/them? The other day I saw a severed tail of a lizard (or wall gecko) outside my door and few days afterwards it was some left-over food. I opened the door last night to turn off the water heater switch and saw it retch some creamy substance then gobble it up again. All the while it kept watching me and I coulda sworn it winked at me too, almost as a warning to get with the petting/feeding program before they sic their larger cousins on me should I ever attempt the wildlife marathon.

Man, where are my manners? How y’all been? Good? Apologies for the tardiness but I am trying to complete this blog before I call my daughter, so I can get to bed early. For past few Sundays I haven’t had much time to chill as I have been outta town visiting family. Three weekends ago I was in Nairobi visiting my sister Nike who was there from Nigeria on a week-long work trip and last Friday through Tuesday morning I was in Uganda for Mama, who was on a week-long vacation from the States with her family. Got to hang with my nephew Timi whose first trip it was to Africa, and he got to see all the animals he had raved about from his fave movie The Lion King. They departed for the States last night and shoulda landed by now. I cannot wait to see them again in a few months when I go over there for my annual visit.

Apart from using the trips to also catch up with friends, I made sure I visited cinemas since as you know by now we don’t have such luxuries in Juba. I saw the new Doctor Strange movie in Nairobi and Top Gun: Maverick in Kampala. The former was meh and the latter was, how best can I put this? You know the hullabaloo about the movie not being shown in China due to Tom Cruise’s character spotting a Taiwanese flag on his jacket? I am not a conspiracy theorist, but if it wasn’t for the millions that died from Covid I coulda sworn the pandemic was designed to prevent the Chinese and the rest of the world from wasting their time on that twaddle of a movie. It succkeeeddd. The media have raved about this movie non-stop and even heralded it as one of those rare sequels that’s better than the original. I need to go re-watch the original Top Gun ‘cos I can’t remember it sucking this bad.

I get uber hyped whenever I know I am set to leave Juba, and since I am not travelling for a while I need to find something else to be buzzed about. Wait, there’s the trip to Lebanon for a mate’s brother’s wedding scheduled for next weekend, and that official trip to Romania that’s not really required but must be undertaken to “satisfy various stakeholders”. The Romania visa process is tedious but not as bad as that of Lesotho. Travelled there in March for a mate’s wedding and in addition to the usual bank statements, letter of invitation, etc., I had to submit a medical report. Once the documents were sent through, the Department of Home Affairs had to physically visit mate’s crib in Lesotho to confirm it exists. Following this, a letter permitting me to travel was issued and once I got to South Africa the authorities there had to contact their counterparts in Lesotho before I was allowed to board the 1hr flight from Johannesburg to Maseru. At the Maseru airport once they were satisfied with my reason for visiting their beautiful country, passport got stamped and was instructed to travel 30+ minutes to the Home Affairs office to pay for the visa. 
As confirmation that there are Nigerians everywhere, I bumped into two Nigerians who work in the country at the tiny Lesotho airport! And there I was thinking I would be welcomed as royalty for being from same country as the music stars they fawn over.

So, we get to the Home Affairs to pay for visa and are informed a memo would have to be written first. Seeing as we arrived on a Friday we were asked to return on Monday - which also happens to be same day we were departing – I was a tad anxious. Nevertheless, the wedding on Saturday was amazing and on Sunday I went hiking up the mountains where the kings of Lesotho kingdom are buried. Early Monday morning we headed to Home Affairs again, paid for the visa and then were asked to wait for the Director of Home Affairs to issue the visa. To cut a long story short, the director, who lives in South Africa and commutes daily to Lesotho for work, never showed up even though the staff kept assuring us she would. I am sure it was purely coincidental that she chose to stay home on a Monday that was also a public holiday in South Africa. Anyhoo, my mate’s uncle kept bugging the Home Affairs staff until the director acquiesced for her deputy to issue the visa on her behalf. Meanwhile, the deputy was at a salon getting her nails done so had to drive there to get visa signed. If that wasn’t bad enough, the entry/exit stamps and visas exhausted three precious pages of my passport. With airport layovers and flight time it took over 40 hrs from South Sudan to Lesotho and back. Mate had best not contemplate divorce, ever…..and name her first kid after me.

Couldn’t talk to my daughter much while in Lesotho ‘cos during our scheduled call time I was somewhere with erratic internet service. Was hoping to show her the magnificent hills and countryside but not sure she woulda been impressed ‘cos ever since the Africa Nations Cup footie tournament she’s been fascinated with Guinea Bissau and has been on me about visiting there seeing as I “travel everywhere”. I don’t even know if she saw a game they played or just likes the way the name of the country sounds. Anyhoo, ‘cos she has me wrapped around her finger, after that call I immediately got out a map of Africa and searched for Guinea Bissau. Started thinking since I know a college mate from Sierra Leone and had planned to visit there this summer I could go over to Guinea Bissau, seeing as it’s two countries away from Sierra Leone. Yup, doing this even though my daughter has sent designs for the denim jacket I told you about and…wait for it….it includes a photo of her and her mom but none of me. Is it ‘cos I have no abs poking through my tee whenever we speak on FaceTime?

Man, Aminaaarghhh’s comments are really getting to me. ‘Cos of her I tried a 20hr-4hr intermittent fasting one day this week and now YouTube’s Big Brother algorithm’s suggesting 3 days fasting-1 day eating option. Bastards! Must say though, just that 20hr intermittent fasting is making me dream of food. All dreams every night of the past week have included a movie I have seen recently but with the plot revolving around food in one way or the other. Well, all movies bar that crap Top Gun: Maverick. Didn’t need RTT® to wipe that drivel from brain.

My daughter recently announced she’s got her “pen license” due to her stellar penmanship. The pen license allows her to use a pen instead of pencil for all classes bar maths. Frankly don’t remember when I transitioned to pens, I know there was no pen license in Naija schools when I was growing up. While in Uganda I tried to ask Madiba - my pal David’s son who was born 2 weeks before my daughter – if they do same at the French international school he attends in Kampala, but dude had more on his mind. His mom was laughing at the fact he’s trying all subtle means to bar her from hugging his friends, as she’s been termed the “hot mom” in his school. Now poor guy cringes at the way his friends drool whenever she picks him up from school and almost got into a few fights ‘cos of it. Hee hee. Can’t remember any hot moms from my primary or secondary school days, just the hot Further Maths teacher in secondary school.

Last week, a close friend reached out to enquire if I’d be interested in being added to the Unilag Staff School Class of 1987 WhatsApp group as they are organizing a 35th anniversary reunion. Eerily, my secondary school’s also organizing a reunion for the 30th year of our graduation. Unfortunately, won’t be able to attend wither due to work commitments, but if I could I’da chose the former to see what’s up with my childhood crush Feyi ‘Faye’ Fasan. I recall us meeting up in London once in the early 2000s as I had dated this Asian girl who just so happened to have attended the University of Manchester with her. Small world, eh? For someone I badly crushed on can’t for the life of me recall what she looked like as a kid or adult. All I still remember about her is watching The Karate Kid and Rocky IV at her crib in Festac when she had a birthday party and the driver showed up late to pick my brother Ayo and I up. Dunno if that’s why the latter remains one of my favorite movies. I still replay Rocky’s training montage in the snow whenever I need that extra push during final laps of 10km runs.

Hmmm, maybe I’d get the Rocky IV soundtrack to help me restart HIIT workouts. Yeah. Think I will get back my defined abs then. It’s finding the time for it that’s the issue though, since during weekdays I go running 3x a week then do chest and abs workouts on remaining two days. Yes, that’s what I should do! Just before I see Aminaaarghhh next week I’d do some abs workouts! She’s still gonna get farted on though.

Tot ziens and God bless.