Articles of interest to moi (2026)

A clear-eyed analysis on war
Predict right or die
South Sudan, oyeee 
Having a backbone

The 50-year-old bed-wetter

Hola peeps. Been a long while, huh?

It’s remarkable that I am sitting to write to y’all ‘cos just a few days ago I was in so much pain from haemorrhoids. Yup, you read that right. I didn’t even know how to spell haemorrhoids properly until I got it. The spelling’s gonna stay with me for life, like the nursery rhyme on learning to spell hippopotamus.

 

I dunno man, it’s like everything’s falling apart now that I am on the brink of turning 50. My iPad’s cracked so much I can see its inner workings, and the battery life lasts all of 39 minutes – yes, I timed it. My phone is freezing, and I can feel I might need to get glasses soon, even though I have been the last holdout amongst my mates, and that weirdly used to be a source of pride to me. I am still fighting against getting glasses, even though I now have to hold menus 3 feet away from my face to read them, and resort to taking a pic of the itsy-bitsy date dial on my wooden watch with my phone before expanding the pic to determine what date to adjust the dial to.

 

So, back to the haemorrhoids. I woke up last Tuesday with a painful lump around my butt, and for most of the day, I assumed it was a boil. That took me back to being a kid and having boils in the weirdest of regions, like the armpit. That thought took me to a scene in boarding school where some dude had a boil on the knee, so a classmate who was our Dr Pimple Popper before that became a thang was summoned. The word spread, and a small crowd formed to see him at work with some bog roll, a bottle of disinfectant, and his agile fingers. As he commenced, another classmate came by and started horsing around by dangling his tongue close to the blast radius of the pimple. I wasn’t present for this exchange, but if my memory serves me correctly, the prankster was a guy nicknamed Solar ‘cos we used to tease him that he would nod off anytime the sun was out.

Anyhoo, so FGC Warri’s answer to Dr Pimple Popper was doing his thang while Solar was messing around, sticking his tongue out close to the patient’s knee.

 

Solar (*with tongue sticking out*): La la la la la….

Dr PP: Solar, commot your tongue from there. This pimple go soon burst o.

Solar: La la la la la….

Dr PP: Solar, I dey warn you o!

Solar: La la la la la

Dr PP: Solar, I say…

Solar: La la….luh urgh urgh

 

Solar rushes out of the room and starts spitting on the floor. Then he rushes to his locker to retrieve his toothbrush in a desperate attempt to scrape a layer off his tongue. Meanwhile, everyone else, even the patient, surrounds Solar and cracks up at him for having someone else’s pimple pus in his mouth. I am not sure he ever lived that down.

 

So, that story was in my head as I struggled to sit at my desk in the office. Good thing I have an adjustable desk, and I am used to standing, 'cos that’s how I survived that day. Eerily, two guys who showed up in my office randomly started a conversation on haemorrhoids and that’s how I deciphered that my issue may not be a boil after all. As soon as the last of them left, I started searching for causes and cures for haemorrhoids. Afterwards, I was still not sure if I had haemorrhoids or not. It was when I woke up the next day that I knew for sure that I had haemorrhoids. The lump was now massive and hurt like crazy. As I was working from home that day, I decided to resume at the hospital first thing the next day.

 

At this point, I gotta talk about how God’s got my back always. If I didn’t have an adjustable desk, how would I work with a hurting butt?
When I was a broke intern at Purdue University, I walked into a Burger King to purchase a meal and cracked a joke with the cashier. Maybe my making her laugh was a welcome relief from her long day, ‘cos until this day I still cannot fathom why she handed me a handful of vouchers for free meals. I feasted like a, ahem, (burger) king for a month.
Something similar happened during the NYSC year in Lagos when I was assigned to an office that offered free lunches. I can only imagine how I coulda survived on NYSC wages and still been able to buy petrol for my jalopy and treat my girlfriend occasionally.

 

On Thursday, March 12^th, I ensured I thoroughly cleaned the backside as much as possible ‘cos I didn’t want the doctor to think I am nasty. Again, if I didn’t have a bidet hose at home, how would I have wiped down with bog roll after a poop while dealing with the pain of the haemorrhoids? Isn’t God good? Dabbed some talcum powder in my undies for freshness, then set outta house. I kept my wallet in the right back pocket to prop up my butt while driving ‘cos the haemorrhoids were on the left side. I whispered to the doctor, “I think I have haemorrhoids”, and he took it in his stride. U what? Man, I was panicking over the previous two days, not knowing who to ask what was wrong with me, ‘cos none of my mates or family had ever talked about haemorrhoids, and this doctor didn’t bat an eyelid. There I was thinking I would be coping with a lifetime infection after one of the guys in the office revealed he had surgery to take out his haemorrhoids, but they returned.

 

I couldn’t ask mates for fear of ridicule ‘cos I remember when in our early 20s my cuz Femi asked the crew while watching footie if any of us had ever had a stench between our inner thighs and the nutsack. He foolishly went on to describe how, while he was trying to get intimate with his girlfriend at the time, she asked him to shower first ‘cos the stench from his nether regions was unusual. In unison, without any prior coordination, the rest of us cracked on him for the inanity of bothering our footie-watching experience with his stinky self. I think we called him Stinky for a few months afterwards.

Then again, I couldn’t ask Chief if he had had any haemorrhoids ‘cos we have never discussed stuff like that in the past. In fact, the only somewhat “intimate conversation” any of my male siblings may have had with Chief was when, as a teenager, my oldest brother, Tayo, said Chief tried to talk to him about the birds and the bees when he was a teenager, and all he ended up with was an awkward exchange.

Chief: So, Tayo, do you, erm, does your thing rise up sometimes when you see a female you like?

Mr T (*praying the conversation was happening in his nightmares*): Erm, yeah.

Chief (*grasping Tayo in a hug*): That’s my boy!
…and scene!

 

So, it was a relief when the doctor said he would prescribe medication that would make the haemorrhoids disappear within 3 days. You mean this excruciating female-birth-pangs-esque pain could be gone in 3 days?! This must surely be some new scientific breakthrough. It wasn’t. He gave me a cocktail of drugs that I took religiously. Y’all know how much I hate swallowing tablets, right? Usually, when I am ill, I stop taking tablets once I feel better. This time, I took every tablet like they were going outta sale.

 

The only weird part was when he asked me to bend over a bed to examine the haemorrhoids. To make matters worse, he called another doctor in for another opinion. As they spread my butt cheeks to get a better look, I had never been so embarrassed. I ended up wearing sunglasses for the rest of the consultation, so I would not make direct eye contact with them.

Oh, did I mention that I was given a rectal suppository as well? For that one, a mate who’s a doctor offered to assist. Since she’s female, I made sure candles were lit and that Brian McKnight was playing when she showed up at my apartment. The suppository was crazy tiny, and even though she lubed up, it still hurt when she applied it. She said it was ‘cos I wasn’t relaxed. How did she expect me to be relaxed when I had so many questions? For instance, how was she sure the suppository wouldn’t fall back out once she put it in, causing me to experience the pain again? Plus, why are you gay?

True to the doctor’s words, by the second night, I woke up to find the back of my pyjama bottoms stained red. Yes, y’all, I got my first period. I staggered to the bathroom, cleaned myself as much as I could, then went back to bed with bog roll between my arse cheeks. I am telling y’all I’ll never be the same again after this experience. I am literally a different man post-haemorrhoids ‘cos I discovered one of the causes of haemorrhoids is sitting on the toilet for longer than necessary. And y’all know sitting on the toilet is was my thang. Sadly, not anymore.

This experience taught me that men should talk about their issues more; they need to, ahem, open up more. I am tempted to lobby for a National Haemorrhoids Day. I mean, if women can have a gazillion Mother’s Days a year, surely, we can have a day when we wear Ask Me About Haemorrhoids tees and…..never mind, I just discovered such a day exists. November 20^th is World Piles Day, apparently. Lemme go get started on those tees.

 

Tot ziens and God bless.

Articles of interest to moi (2025)

RIP Rob Reiner
Giving grace
Standing by one's beliefs
The most honest sports article ever
Greatest movie quotes
Man's inhumanity 2
Bravo, Harvard
Man's inhumanity
One way to go
We choose to do things not because they are easy
The art of the tariff deal
Poop science
TSR vs COSR
The most searing self-examination I have read in yonks
To tariff or not
Ode to Jimmy Carter 3
Ode to Jimmy Carter 2 
Ode to Jimmy Carter 1

I am so sophisticated, I write numbers in CAPS

Hola peeps. Y’all good?

 

Told ya, I wasn’t kidding when I suggested that the Comrades marathon could make me lose the zest for writing. Can’t believe it’s been 3 weeks since I completed the race in 10hrs 14mins with a massive blister on left big toe and the sides of both soles hurting. The blister has disappeared, but the sides of feet still hurt, and that could be ‘cos I haven’t made it to Aminarrrgh since I returned to Juba on June 15^th. Although I saw a professional physiotherapist in Joburg the day after Comrades, he didn’t use a pestle or other kitchen utensil on my feet like Aminarrrgh does. One time, I swear I saw a blender beside her massage table. I didn’t bother inquiring further; I was just glad it wasn’t me she was going to use it on.

 

I initially intended to see Aminarrrgh two Saturdays ago, but stuff got in the way, and when I called the next day, she said she was busy and promised to call me back but never did. Or was she giving me attitude ‘cos I failed to call to cancel the day before? Man, if that’s the case, between her and my frustrated artist cum cleaning lady, I have two women in my life who gimme relationship-level attitude, even though we ain’t dating. The other day, the cleaning lady asked when we would be refilling the ice cream in the freezer, as the tub’s almost empty. Okay, that probably explains why my powdered milk is low, but not my Ijebu garri stash. Abeg, when South Sudanese begin chop garri?

 

I am in the field as I type this, and it’s weird ‘cos I purposely chose to spend the weekend here. By the time I return to Juba, it’ll be a total of 7 days on this field location - the longest time spent with any of my teams on my own volition. No regrets, though, but it’s time to return to Juba as I am getting tired of eating rice daily. Plus, a bottle of soda here costs almost $2 'cos we are in the middle of nowhere. What’s weirder is that when I knew I would be coming to the field, I started getting the buzz I usually get when I am set to fly outta South Sudan. Never happened before.

 

Anyhoo, I’m all buzzing ‘cos I travel to Nigeria in two weeks for work. Should be there for almost 2 weeks before returning to Juba, and hopefully, fly off to Thailand after a few days. I am yet to receive the visa, so maybe the Thailand trip mightn’t happen. No matter, I’ll be in the UK/US a few weeks afterwards anyway.

 

It’s July and my plan not to be outta Juba as many times this year as last year mightn’t be working ‘cos if I recall, it’s only May that I haven’t been outta the country. After the Comrades race, I traveled to Pretoria and spent 6 days there, mostly recuperating and hanging out with friends. On the eve of my departure, I attended the BAL third-place game and was pleasantly surprised. The place was packed! Had no clue they had such a massive following. If I do the Comrades again, and that’s a big IF, I must include BAL games in my itinerary.

 

Bought some merch at the BAL arena for my twin nephews in the States who played on their high school team. Forgot to tell y’all that I attended their Senior Day back in February, and it was like in the movies. I mean this was a friggin’ high secondary school basketball game and they had cheerleaders and electronic scoreboards and play-by-play announcers — my goodness. I lived in the States on and off for nearly 3 years, and I still can’t get over how everything is so… extreme, whether it’s kids’ sports or deporting migrants. Ha. You know I had to go there, right?

 

When I arrived at OR Tambo Airport in Johannesburg, the immigration officer was thrilled to see that I had traveled to participate in the Comrades, and he quickly stamped my passport and waved me through. “A Nigerian came all the way here to run the Comrades?! Eish, brother, that race is tough, eh. Good luck, brother”. Had secretly hoped he wouldn’t glance at my visa and ask what I was travelling for, so I could tell him it was to investigate Elon Musk’s claim of white genocide.

 

For real, though, EVERYONE I met in South Africa was supportive once they discovered I was there to participate in the Comrades; from the officer who asked to see my passport after picking up luggage who was frowning at seeing a Naija passport but turned that into a smile once he heard the C-word to the Uber drivers, to the guy at the Information Desk at the Durban airport to the hotel receptionist. If I do the Comrades again, and that’s a big IF, it would partly be ‘cos of the wonderful South Africans — utterly amazing people.

 

Yeah, but also insane people! Like I observed last year, the Comrades seems to be a rite of passage for every South African. There’s the viral video of a judge losing his rag at the temerity of a lawyer who wrote a letter seeking a postponement of a trial from the Monday after the Comrades because he would be running in the race. I kid you not. During the race, I sought other distractions after I grew tired of tracking the number of times fellow runners had completed the Comrades. The guy I sat beside on the flight from Joburg to Durban had only started running a year before he decided to do his first Comrades. See what I mean by insane? Everyone has their own story, and that’s what’s so beautiful about them. Some dude I sat beside while trying to keep warm before the race started told me he was running his first Comrades in memory of his late father, who had run it multiple times. Said he trained with his dad’s Comrades hat. Spotted tears rolling down his cheeks at some point.

 

For the race itself, after completing it, I wasn’t as drained as I was last year when a friend rightly joked that I aged 10 years over the course of the race. Like last year, this race was mostly a blur. I recall having the urge to pee after 5km, telling myself to hold on until the 10km mark, then holding it in until the 20km or 30km mark - not sure which, exactly. I do remember avoiding all the food on offer, including fruit, but drinking an obese family’s monthly intake of soda. Man, I was sooo drained.

Oh yes, I also recall hardly applying any “C’mon son” motivations and not untucking/unfolding my hands from normal running posture during the entire race. Usually, I unfold my hands intermittently during runs to stretch them.  

 

I was so antsy about the race that days before, I stopped listening to podcasts about the Comrades, as they were having the opposite effect of making me more nervous with each listen, rather than building up my confidence. On the morning of the race, I was confident I would finish after taking a massive dump before leaving the hotel for the spot where we boarded the coaches to drive us almost 1.5 hours from Durban to the starting point in Pietermaritzburg. Man, that poop was epic! I looked at it before flushing – as I am wont to do with my poop creations – and it reminded me of the inclines I would soon be surmounting. As I flushed the poop away, my anxieties dispersed.

 

David’s brother Biggie was in Durban to support a client running the Comrades, so I met him at the Virgin gym in the stadium near the Comrades’ finish line. As the direct route was closed, I shuffled through the circuitous route for 15 minutes before arriving at the gym. I declined his offer at an ice bath, shuffled some more to the shower, where I spent what musta been an eternity letting the water wash over me and thanking God that I made it through. Due to road closures, Biggie and I waited for over an hour for an Uber, and eventually walked 10 minutes to get one.

 

By the time I got to my hotel, it was way past the time I usually call my daughter, so I ordered food from across the street and repeatedly tried to contact my daughter to show off my medals – a Finishers and a Back2Back – to no avail. In retrospect, I’da eaten at the restaurant instead of taking the food to my room, as they had great music and the cute hostess Thandi, with impeccably white teeth, seemed keen to hang. That’s it, screw East Africans, I am shifting my gaze to South African women now. Ha.

 

By the time I spoke to my daughter on Father’s Day, I wasn’t pumped to show her the medals anymore. She apologized for not making our usual Sunday call the weeks before, while wishing me a happy Father’s Day. Aww, chuffed she remembered that.

Earlier that day, some mates and I had exchanged funny anecdotes about how no one gives a hoot about Father’s Day. One guy said he expected to get a pair of socks “as usual”, another congratulated him on at least getting a gift. He added, “The kids are looking at me like today is a Monday. If it was Mother’s Day now, they would have been running around.” The luckiest among us boasted about how each of his sons had made him a card, and his wife prepared brekkie in bed and gifted him a mani-pedi session at a spa. Just as we were about to start sticking pins in his effigy, he added, “As soon as I got back from the spa, my wife said, ‘Oya, back to work. Our garden needs mowing and the older son needs prepping for his exams tomorrow.’ I didn’t even get time to relax.” We cracked up. Misery loves company.

 

I have one more night in the field, and I'm leaving just as my body is acclimating to being here. By that, I mean I have stopped waking up in the middle of the night to pee. On my first night here (Friday, June 27^th), I woke up three times, the next night twice, and on Sunday night once. However, last night I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to pee in a bottle either during this trip - well, apart from Sunday night - as I was mostly lucid enough to walk outta my room down the walkway into the row of bathrooms. Haven’t had any of the weird dreams that I usually have out here. I told you this field visit was weird, didn’t I? Wait, I did have one dream where I was teaching ants to jump rope. Yeah, that’s the only one.

 

It's about to rain. The weather here has been generally better than Juba’s. On Sunday night, it rained the entire zoo for 3hours non-stop. I coulda sworn I saw an ark come into focus from my window. I hope today’s isn’t as serious ‘cos I like working outside. I have been more productive here than in Juba. I work ‘til late without disturbance, wake up late if I don’t have online meetings, don my scruffiest tee, open my laptop, eat a meal with rice, take a dump in the second bathroom from the right, shower, work ‘til late, and repeat. It’s like Groundhog Day but without women.

 

Speaking of a recurring nightmare, there is still no progress on loan repayments from debtors. Regarding IGI Limited, in my last blog, I mentioned that on June 1st, the solicitor informed me, “the case came up for judgment, but the judgment was not ready.” I still don’t even know what that means. Last Thursday, he came back with, “The judgment would be made on Monday, June 30^th by God’s grace”. You see, it’s the latter part of the sentence you gotta pay attention to, “by God’s grace”. This perfectly captures what my friend Sandra observed after she visited Nigeria when she said, “Wait, is every Nigerian born again? Everyone I meet spouts something religious, yet in the next breath they are trying to fleece you.” Amen, sister.

 

The DSS agent who was initially enthusiastic has gone quiet. The delay in debt payment has caused me to move around money I never intended to, but I thank God there’s sufficient reserve not to cause a panic. I am now so jaded with Nigerians that when a mate I lent money to called on Monday to apologize and offer to pay the funds a day later than promised, I was genuinely shocked that someone was willing to repay a debt without my prodding them. Had expected her not to call in the first place, or even if she called, to make up some lame excuse as to why she couldn’t pay on the due date. Hopefully, she doesn’t disappoint.

 

Confirmed tix for my bi-annual UK trip, so I’m all geared up to show off the fancy white jacket I got in South Africa when I take my daughter out. I’ve informed her of my UK dates so that she can come up with plans, and I can make reservations ahead of time, ensuring we avoid last-minute bookings, which we experienced in February. I also bought a pair of green pleather pants in South Africa that will have me looking like a Temu-esque Lenny Kravitz at mom’s 80^th birthday celebration next month.

I keep pushing my boundaries, man. Last Monday, I wore a peach suit to the office, which got men and women complimenting me. If they keep these iatrogenic compliments up, I might end up wearing a suit without a shirt soon. Once I combine that with the Tabi boots I plan to reward myself in August, imma look so fly I might just spontaneously combust.

 

Tot ziens and God bless.

My cleaning lady is a frustrated artist

 

He puts the C in CTE

Hola peeps. Y’all good?

 

Man, I have not felt this rested in a long time. It’s weird ‘cos I fell asleep about 9pm last night while reading, woke up at 3am to find the lights on and that I hadn’t brushed my teeth before bed. Dragged my stanky breath into the bathroom and after brushing teeth, I did 3 Duolingo lessons, then went back to reading essential articles on the phone like how Tom Cruise was able to execute that bi-plane stunt in the latest Mission Impossible movie, before nodding off again and waking up at 730am.

 

Yesterday, I went on my last run before the Comrades marathon, and it took all my effort to finish the 20km. The hot weather didn’t help, and wasn’t surprised when I found myself already exhausting two “c’mon, son!” exhortations and one Jonathan Majors pout within the first 5km. That caused me to doubt my ability to complete the Comrades again, even though I had done it last year. That anxiety persisted throughout the workday until after another disappointment, stemming from the lack of drive among some work colleagues to complete the simplest tasks. After one guy had the temerity to ask about taking two paternity leaves in the same year ‘cos two of his wives are preggers, it quickly dawned on me that I’d rather endure a 90km run any day than deal with these guys.

 

You know my crazy Belarusian friend Liza, who psyched me into doing the Comrades last year and declared it “fun” afterwards? Unfortunately, she wasn’t issued a visa by the South African authorities this year, so she had to cancel her flight and hotel booking. Normal people would moan or, like me, would be relieved at having a ready excuse to avoid running 90km. Instead, crazy Liza found a 100km race near her and crossed the finish line (after 11 hours and 43 minutes) as the top female competitor. I need saner friends.

 

So, how have y’all been? Thought I’d shoot out this blog before the Comrades marathon in case I lose all will to communicate afterwards. Just so y’all know, like last year, I intend to take a month off running after the marathon. I deem it necessary, as I have noticed my pants falling off my waist over the past two weeks, and a friend I bumped into on Friday said my cheeks had sunken. Could that explain why I can no longer open my laptop by facial recognition? As is now my norm, I treated myself to a mani+pedi and haircut ahead of the marathon. I was gonna shave off all my beard, but if the last Comrades is any indication, I’ll need a way to hide my post-race uber-sunken cheeks.

 

In addition to the “no running for a month” stance last year, I tried to include a “no YouTube for a month”, but messed that up a few times to watch 90s boy band videos and crack up at their longing looks at the camera during slow songs. Trust me, if you are ever in the mood for a belly laugh, watch a 90s boy band video with the sound off.

 

I am glad to report that the “wahala dey o” guy in Juba finally paid back the debt, which I subsequently lent to someone else on the same day. Ha. I never learn, do I? Following the last blog, I contacted my lawyer in Lagos for an update on the debt recovery process, and he informed me that the case is currently at the Serious Fraud Unit (SFU) of the Nigerian Police. Still, they were requesting about N650,000 for “mobilization”. He said he was currently negotiating with them to reduce the mobilization fee to N500,000 and was seeking my permission to furnish them with the funds. While lamenting about this to my mate Miguel, he told me it might be best to reach out to the SFU HQ in Abuja, as, from his experience, the SFU guys in Lagos have been known to collect funds from both the claimant and the debtor. He even mentioned the names of the SFU officers to avoid. Ha.

 

I therefore reached out to mates in Abuja, and one of them told me he knows a guy at the Department of State Security (DSS) who has been known to help recover funds from intransigent debtors. I contacted the officer concerned, and he balked at the mobilization fee being requested by the SFU in Lagos. Long story short, the DSS officer demanded N300,000 for their mobilization and, like the SFU, their MO is to get a 10% cut of the amount reclaimed. You gotta love the Nigerian justice system.

 

Speaking of, my case against IGI Ltd that was due for judgment on May 20^th was moved to May 26^th as the “court did not sit”, and on the new date set the case was postponed as “the judgment was not ready, so a new date will be communicated for the judgment”. Nothing shocks me about Naija anymore.

 

I was shocked though to wake up two Sundays ago and find four missed calls – between 207am and 2018am – on my local number from W. Well, it’s likely from her boyfriend Paul ‘cos there’s an SMS sent between the missed calls that read, “Pls I will get you criminal”. Awww, so polite of him to use one of the three magic words. I wasn’t shocked at this threat, just that he usually makes them via WhatsApp. I reckon Paul is South Sudan’s version of Beetlejuice. Instead of calling his name three times, one must only mention him in an obscure blog post for him to reappear.

 

I went to Aminarrrgh after church on Sunday ‘cos my left shoulder’s been killing me due to my weird sleep positions. I should record myself when sleeping to see how to correct for this, as since the last blog, I have tried everything from tucking my hands under the duvet to sleeping with my hands tucked inside my PJs. No dice. One morning, I woke up to find that I had gone to the other extreme by having my hands crossed over my chest. I must be performing Tom Cruise-like feats in my dreams, huh?

 

Since I couldn’t attend the carbon capture and utilization conference in Dubai, which I mentioned last time, I have committed to attending my mate’s 50th birthday celebration in Thailand, if I secure the visa. There’s a VFS office in Juba that claims to be able to help with that. If that doesn’t pan out, there’s my cuz’s 50th in Tunisia in October, which I’d love to attend, but I haven’t the foggiest about obtaining the visa since there’s no online application option. A fallback is another mate’s 50^th in Cancun in November. Man, I was really hoping to revisit Zanzibar in November, just like last year. Was planning to stay at the same hotel and possibly the same room to see if the TV is still wonky.

 

You see, the only disadvantage of the Zanzibar trip was that there was no footie on TV. You won’t believe this, but the hotel had 10 betting channels, some of which featured virtual sports, such as virtual dog racing, but no regular sports channels. I mean, what gives? Funniest thang, though, was the two US channels that were supposed to be dubbed in Swahili and French, respectively. However, all one heard on the supposedly French-dubbed channel was spoken English, with a voice repeatedly saying the word “French” every 2 seconds. I kid you not, I still have the recording on my phone. The Swahili one was even worse ‘cos it showed images, but no English was being spoken. All one saw was the word “Swahili” flash across the screen every other second. This debacle musta been the result of some dude, probably the TV station owner’s new trophy wife’s brother, who the station manager was forced to contract to dub voices with language translations through AI.

 

The failed Dubai trip also made me sign up for a virtual 2-day leadership conference. What did I get out of it? My main takeaway was that I talk too fast and should s-l-o-w down when presenting to ensure the audience understands what I am saying. That’s as veridical a statement as there ever was, and I wasn’t surprised at this ‘cos at various points over the past months, Vicky complained about the same, and a friend hilariously commented about my “talking in small letters”. Now, that would be the perfect title for my autobiography.

 

Tot ziens and God bless.

My former favourite sports-related word was Repechage. My new favourite one? Remontada

Hola peeps. Y’all good?

I come to you a broken man. The back problem I mentioned in my last entry has kicked off again, and even worse, I have a painful friction burn on left arse cheek resulting from a misaligned underwear label while performing ab exercises during kickboxing class earlier today. Thus, I am sitting weirdly as I type this. See what I go through for you guys?

 

Btw, before the back injury was re-aggravated, it got progressively better. Though I think I may have happened upon a gem during the healing process: For guys forced to get up in the middle of the night to pee, get yourself some sort of injury that makes it challenging to get outta bed and voila, your body adjusts. At least that’s what happened to me. Wondering what I’d do to halt the gradual decline of my ability to read small print without getting glasses? Perhaps, get someone to punch me in one eye so the body compensates by making the other eye bionic?

 

I cannot believe it’s been over a month since I corresponded with y’all. I was supposed to type another entry on the plane to Naija for Nike’s 50^th, but stuff came up, as usual. Since that trip to Naija, I travelled to Kampala for the Easter break but haven’t left Juba since. Next trip is in less than 3 weeks when I will be heading to South Africa for the Comrades marathon, which has been officially announced as 89.98km. Oooh, thanks for being so considerate and not making it 90km. Those extra 20 meters woulda made it even harder on my feet. Just the thought of the Comrades is making me sweat, but I suppose I must since I received the visa last Tuesday and have already planned loadsa activities – like catching a BAL game in Pretoria - for the extra 5 days I will be spending in SA, post-Comrades.

 

‘Cos the race is coming up soon, I have had to keep running with the aching back. I plan to see Aminarrrgh the weekend before I travel to SA. Hopefully, the massage relaxes me better than last time, when I tried to pee during the pace and nada came out. The same thing happened when I felt nasty doodle pangs. Nerves, I suppose. Unfortunately, my Belarusian friend Liza is still unsure about running as the South African authorities have refused to issue her a visa, and she cannot reach anyone there for an explanation.

 

I was supposed to attend a conference in Dubai just after Easter, but as it turns out, though the Emirates airline has resumed flights to Nigeria, the Emiratis still aren’t keen to issue visas to Nigerians. The various means I tried weren’t fruitful, so I had to forfeit the exorbitant registration fee paid for the 2-day conference. Man, I got so upset I seriously considered signing up for citizenship from those Caribbean countries that guarantee visa-free entry to over 120 countries for the low, low price of a six-figure sum and a 9-month screening process. The company I contacted also sent me details on Uzbekistani citizenship. Ahan, e never reach that one na.

The sticker shock of the price got me thinking of jumping on a plane to Heathrow airport, where I’d abruptly set up a reality show to see who’d marry me for a British citizenship for a cash price of 5% of what the Caribbeans were gonna charge. It turns out that, like my Rent-a-driver idea from 2006 that preceded the launch of Uber, the smart alecs at the US Department of Homeland Security had already thought of something similar.

 

What else happened since my last blog entry? Hmmm…well, some familiar intrepid investigators in Juba have discovered this here blog. Thought about stopping or starting a new one, but I am too stuck in my ways to change. The good thang is I can defend whatever I publish here, so it is what it is. That said, if you don’t hear from me for a while, I may have just been abducted and tortured. I kid…..well….

 

Guess what? Paul the mother%$&ker is backkkk. W reached out to me outta the blue the Friday before I travelled to Naija. She wanted to catch up, so I invited her along while I was having a mini-pedi. I could tell she didn’t wanna talk about her relationship with Paul, so I didn’t bring it up. I was just glad to see she was okay. Fast-forward to the Naija trip, when W reaches out and I send her pics of Sandra and the crew painting Lagos all colours of the rainbow. Yes, Sandra tagged along for Nike’s birthday and chose to spend a few extra days in Naija to conclude her search for a Naija politician beau. On the morning of my departure, I received a WhatsApp message from W, “I told you not to talk to W”. Usually, I’da taken the bait and responded as I can’t stand bullies, but since W has chosen to go back to him, there’s nada I can do about it. Plus, there’s another popular Tunde in Juba, one even more extroverted than moi, so chances are Paul would get to him before me. Hee hee.

 

Back to Naija trip, Sandra and another mate, Timmie, chose to come with me from Juba, and since we flew through Entebbe, David joined us from there. WASMIL arrived in Lagos a few minutes before us as her flight was delayed getting outta Gatwick airport, so we rode to the apartment together. It was only 4 nights, but I was beat by the end due to hosting and ensuring everyone was okay. Some guests had such a blast that they mooted returning for Detty December. Well, I am glad they all made friends in Lagos ‘cos I ain’t gonna be there then. I’ll go to Ghana or somewhere. Nope, ain’t hosting again anytime soon.

 

Nike had a swell 50^th, and I have never seen her dance as much as she did at the night party. I tore up the dance floor as well, and so did Vicky. These days, poor Vicky keeps trying to find some sorta straw to grasp onto to improve our deteriorating relationship, going so far as to leave me 9-minute voice notes on WhatsApp. 9 whole minutes! When I sent her pics taken with my daughter last February, she remarked on how my eclectic fashion style was like hers. As if. Would Vicky ever wear a pair of baggy multicolored cotton dungarees that my daughter once called a “circus tent” and so-called mates referred to as a “Teletubby costume”? Exactly.

If she had said I got my dancing feet from her, then maybe I’da agreed. You’d have seen her at the party; Chief basically had to drag her home. She’d be/act all frail when walking from her seat to take pictures or head to the stage, but once music started, this same woman who thirty seconds before struggled to walk 10 feet would suddenly begin bending down so low I was sure she was about to attempt a split. Talk about a dual personality.

 

I feel I may also have a split personality, at least when I am asleep, ‘cos I noticed my back kicked in after falling asleep on the couch. The lats on my left side have been hurting for the past few days, and it’s probably ‘cos of how I slept. I mostly wake up with my shoulders aching, as I find that I must yet again separate my interlocked fingers from behind my head. It’s as if while sleeping I am doing star jumps or posing shirtless for a magazine shoot, a la Prince in his halcyon days. Again, ‘cos of the proximity to the Comrades marathon, I cannot take any days off to rest my back and shoulders.

 

What I can do, though, is go after my debtors. I dunno why I keep falling for sad stories ‘cos folk ain’t got no shame. On Thursday, I showed up at a guy’s office unannounced so the dude could tell me to my face why he hadn’t paid back the money I lent him. Dude came by my office last December to plead for a loan, as he said he had spent money that was erroneously paid into his bank account. When the sender discovered his mistake, they contacted the bank, which put them in touch with my debtor. Dude didn’t want the sender to alert his employers to his disingenuousness, so he sought my help to save him from a likely reprimand.

 

At the time, this dude promised to pay back the money by the end of March, and when I contacted him then, he said he meant April, not March. We both knew he was fibbing, but I told him I’d wait until the end of April. When I contacted him on the agreed date last month, he said, “wahala dey o”. I lost it. I was meant to give that money to someone travelling to Naija that day, and ‘cos of this punk I was forced to transfer Naira to them instead. He asked for another week to make good on his promise, but that was 3 weeks ago. When I showed up last Thursday, it wasn’t to cause a scene, as I don’t do that; it was to let the dude know I wasn’t above informing his employer about his dodgy antics. As soon as he saw me, he quickly ushered me aside, and, maybe due to the asperity of my tone, promised he would pay the money without fail tomorrow (Monday, May 19^th). We’ll see.

 

On Tuesday, May 20th, my case against IGI Ltd is set for judgment, following countless adjournments. These punks banked my premiums for 15 years, but when it came time for the payout after the expiration of the term period in 2021, they started coming up with all sorts of excuses. After they stopped responding to my emails and my visits to the HQ provided no headway, I decided to sue them. At this point, I wasn’t keen on the payout anymore; I had hoped that the threat of a suit would cause them to sit up, but it appears they are well-versed in the dilatory tactics embraced by the Nigerian judiciary system.

 

Sadly, I am experiencing the same frustrations with someone in Lagos; I lent them a substantial amount of money for a real estate venture. I didn’t ask for collateral ‘cos he’s a neighbour of a good friend and she vouched for him as a young man who required support. This is particularly upsetting ‘cos I’d have received more bang for my buck by fixing it with a commercial bank and reaping the interest. I was trying to do my bit to support the indigenous industry. Alas, it’s the same sad story of folk being grateful once you give them the money but start avoiding your calls when it is time to repay. A part of me wanted to damn the consequences and pay the Naija police to get him jailed, but it ain’t in me to subject anyone to jail conditions just ‘cos of a debt.

 

Now I am stuck with going through the slow grind of the Nigerian justice system to recoup my funds. It’s okay, I have learnt my lesson now. I’d rather spend the money on my street dogs ‘cos they are appreciative…...well, kinda. In the past few months, I have noticed that whenever I leave food out, one alpha dog (literally) snaps at the other dogs, and they shy away. Even after I had parceled out separate meals, and Alpha was busy with his portion, the other dogs were still too scared to touch their food. Once I return from South Africa, I plan to take the bullied dogs under my wing and train them to assert themselves and challenge Alpha. I can already picture the Disney movie about my life with a training montage like one of my all-time faves, Rocky IV.

 

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
I just happened on an idea for an AI app that would help people decide who’s credible enough to lend money to. I plan to call it Intuition.