I Love You Phillip Morris

Dear Tunde, I wrote you an email but you still ain’t calling
I left my new BB pin and my cellphone number at the bottom
I called you twice before you got married but you must not have got them
Probably due to crap phone network or something
Sometimes I jab in the wrong numbers due to my fat fingers
But wait, it could be you turned off the phone ringer, yeah that’s it
Anyways how’s wedding plans?
I hear you’ve chosen a venue, man can’t wait I’m sure it would be grand
So when are you gonna ask me to be best man?
Just kidding I know I am gonna be a groom’s man
Know it’s been a while since we spoke but don’t be scared to ask
No way I’ll reject that request, it’d be an honorable task
Be rest assured I’d take my duties seriously I’d even stand at the door
You know to push back any exs who would wanna create havoc or settle any old scores
So until I hear from you I’ll be stripping for old ladies at Julio’s


Dear Tunde, you haven’t called or responded yet
I ain’t mad I just think it’s messed up u think ‘cos u getting married u all set
Incase u didn’t get the hint at end of last email I finally ventured out and got me my own strip joint
U happy for me, right? Right?
Isn’t it weird we both have important stuff going on in our lives the same time
It’s like we are ineluctably linked for life, u know like those twins from Siam
Maybe I am the only one that feels this way
‘Cos if you did too u’d call now and then to at least say hey
And then I hear you’ve already selected your list of groom’s men
What’s it man, I stink or something
Why can’t you see we have so much in common man
Same egg-shaped head, same protruding shoulder blade like Michael Jordan
Anyways I forgive you for leaving me off the list
Probably due to stress of all the wedding planning s^%t
So ain’t you gonna come down to see what I’ve done with the club
Yikes, my very own business…and they say college dropouts are dumb
Bill Gates baby, Kanye West baby
Oh did I tell you my girl really wants to get hitched
Dunno man, dunno. Sometimes I just wanna strangle the witch
How did you get away with putting it off for so long
I meant marriage not murderous thoughts
See what I mean when I say we are so much in sync
Who else but us two can segue homicide into glee
Anyways hit me back, this is Julio
PS: We should be together too

Dear Mister-I’m-Getting-Married-So-I-Choose-To- Ignore-My-Alterego
Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of Fiona’s beau
You best run Forrest, u best run fast
If I get you your arse is grass
So you think you can ignore me for yonks and all will be aiight
You think ain’t no way I am gonna set Miss Beckinsale alight
That b*^ch is gone man, you best say buy buy
Yes u pernickety dude u, I wrote the last line on purpose but u don’t get it so go ahead, sigh
U like big words, huh? How about ‘pernicious’?
I can see the headlines now: Tunde’s self-pernicious ways caused Julio to snap
Oh wait, excuuuuuze me, I can’t use the word that way? The sentence wasn’t grammatically correct?
Well, put a sock in it a-hole
I’m gonna leave a li’l present (hint: it’s a venomous snake) in ur bog bowl
Wanna know the truth about all those calls I made?
I drunk-dialled your arse beeatch
If you notice I ain’t making much effort to rhyme again ‘cos u ain’t worth it
Yes man, u ain’t L’Oreal man u ain’t L’Oreal
Woah, I like that line so much I am gonna use it
U best not steal it from me u plagiarizer u
Stealing my best lines and using it on the ladies
Does Princess Fiona know I hid ur weed so u’d appear coherent on ur dates with her?
Does she know u still cup ur palm over ur butt when u fart so u can relish the smell for longer?
Ooops, did I just type that? Yes, I diddly-dum-diddly did
I just drank a gallon of zobo, you dare me to drive?
Of course you would dumb ass, well tough luck zobo doesn’t get one drunk
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
Of course you would you ‘80s fairy baby. Only gay guys still listen to Phil Collins so u just out-ed urself
Sucks to be you, don’t it?
I hope all cuss words in songs played at your wedding don’t get bleeped out
I hope all non-cuss words in songs played at your wedding get bleeped out
I hope you choose Randy Watson and The Sexual Chocolate for your wedding band
I hope Princess Fiona finds your journal and reads all of it
I hope she gets to know how you chose to marry her ‘cos she’s got long hair and u don’t have any and u didn’t want ur son to grow up to do a Rooney
I hope she finds out the sari you got her as a wedding present actually belonged to ur Indian ex and that u so pitiful u nicked it from her wardrobe after she dumped ur arse
I hope all ur teeth fall out from all the sugar u eat….I mean c’mon who in their right mind adds sugar to Frosties?
I hope peeps don’t believe u when u tell them u actually chose to name ur son ‘Tunde 1’ before the Beckhams had a daughter
I hope u wake up one morning with man boobs so large ur son starts craving milk
I hope u grow so fat peeps starts asking if ur favorite football club is now KFC (geddit? KFC as in Kentucky Fried Chicken as opposed to say Arsenal FC or Barcelona FC, where FC represents Football Club? Whatever, you will get the joke two weeks from now you mirthless punk)
Yeah, I hope you get that joke while lying in bed and you burst out laughing just as Princess Fiona takes her gown off
I hope she denies you nookie for yonks ‘cos of that
U see how all ur secrets woulda remained secret if only u sent me a wedding invite?
Yes, I used the ‘invite’ as a noun u fastidious punk
So it’s been fun venting now I am off to give your flavor-of-the-month cougar Diezani a lap dance
Tot ziens and God bless.