She rolls her own weed, that's why I love her. Miss Independent (Weedhead)….
Hola peeps. ¿Quién sabía que las compras para un refrigerador serían ésta difícil?
Again stayed away longer from y'all than I intended. Good thang I ain't married 'cos if I act this way with the Angelina Jolie-lookalike I'll marry she might think I am seeing someone else……..and she'd be right if the other person just happened to look more Angelia-ish than her. Ha. What kept me away from y'all this time? Studying! And u thought us strippers have nada upstairs? Au contraire, mon ami. (See what I did there? I fooled y'all with my polyglot skills, didn't I?) U know those global stripper exams I took 2 years ago that allowed moi to move to current firm? I am taking a more advanced exam and when I am done it's gonna set me up nicely to be poached by multinational firms looking to expand into virgin territory. A chance to travel, and being a pioneer - imagine li'l ol' moi running the first strip joint in Iraq - to boot? Where do I sign?!
So while all y'all having fun after work and on weekends I am swotting like crazy. Got so tired studying secret Persian stripper moves last Saturday I dumped the Lycra covered textbook and decided to watch a movie (or two….or three) on laptop. Saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, then Eagle Eye, then The Women. Three words: Bo-or-ring!!!! Slitting my wrists woulda been more fun, I tell ya.
(The fault is mine though, I shouldn't raise my expectations when peeps rave about a movie. Shoulda known what to expect when the same person that told me Slumdog Millionaire was "just okay" - it was so brilliant even though I watched it a month ago I still humour myself with my impression of the WWTBAM host: "what a playurrrrrr!" - raved about Eagle Eye. Reminds me of mates in ATL that practically badgered me to watch The Brothers. That movie had no storyline, and even worse had the ugliest set of women I'd seen in movies in ages. Apart from Tatyana Ali and the white chick, okay and Gabrielle Union, everyone else was oogly. If I wanna see oogly peeps I'd watch a British soap, no? C'mon!)
The Women was aiight, well best thang about it was seeing Meg Ryan's cute self again. She was my Angelina b4 Angelina became my Angelina, if u know what I mean. Eagle Eye was utter shite, and u gotta wonder who writes these movies, let alone who greenlights them. But the worst was surely Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Best thang about that utter crap was Cate Blanchett's hairstyle. We all know Lucas never could write, but when did Spielberg forget how to direct? Don't even get me started on Harrison Ford or the fact he can't hold the whip without his hands shaking. Sad…the cast of The Sopranos desperately seeking new jobs sad…nah, Miguel relationship status sad, that's how crappily sad that movie was. The Transformers sequel had better be good else I am giving up on Shia LaBeouf 'cos if he keeps this up his career would go the route of Kevin Costner and Nicholas Cage. Those guys' penchant for releasing crap movies needs to be basis of someone's PhD thesis.
It's a shame 'cos I really love movies and so I try not to judge actors based on their performance in one or two movies - except Messrs Cage and Costner who I've totally given up on - but u gotta wonder if folk indeed forget how to act. How else can u explain Pacino's performance in 88 Minutes? I mean acting should be like riding a bike, right? U'd get better the more u do it, right? Kept thinking about this while shutting down laptop after watching the trifecta of crap movies. It wasn't 'til the next day while
While taking a dump of charcoaled plantain later that day mate called from Sweden, but couldn't hear her clearly. It wasn't 'til she called few minutes after I discovered another innate talent: MY DOODLE DISRUPTS PHONE SIGNALS! No kidding. Like a good scientist I got peeps to call me over the next days while taking dumps in different locations to see if the results were repeatable. They were. I even changed my phone and got same results! Man, I'd be cast in HEROES. Do u know how much spy agencies like the CIA and MOSSAD would pay to have me? Do u know how much it cost the US security agencies to block phone signals during Obama's inauguration? In these days of global economic downturn I just might be the extra, extra, extra, extra cheap alternative to those fancy telephone signal scrambling gizmos. Just hook me up with some McD's strawberry milkshake and I am good to go.
(Oh yeah, it was 'cos of the milkshake I first discovered I was lactose intolerant. This happened 5 years ago. Guess I'm discovering my powers late 'cos it was also in the 90s I learned to whistle, skip with both feet off the ground - prior to that I used to do a gallop-skip thang - and walk properly, i.e. walk beside someone without bumping into them, almost like the conjoined twins on Stuck On You after they got separated.)
The doodle-phone scrambling discovery got me thinking of other ways to provide a cheaper alternative to peeps seeking various services. 'Cos money's too tight to mention globally I recently read that in order to avoid budget cuts a local US TV station's taking to placing McD's coffee cups in plain view during their newscasts; a teacher asked for parents to buy ad space on their kids' exam papers; and an American soap opera included an advertiser's product in their script. Hey Stacy, is that Campbell's Chicken Soup u having? I hear it is really filling. Can I have some? I really need to keep my strength up as just discovered my husband is sleeping with the neighbor's stepson's gay best friend's sister's masseur/tennis coach.
So far I have come up with the ff ideas that'd save u a bundle:
a) A boli and fish drive-thru
b) Bottling zobo in faux champagne bottles. C'mon tell me it wouldn't be fun if two chicks got into a fight in a nightclub and threw chilled zobo on each other
U laugh now but when u munching on McTunde's boli and fish® and washing it down with Moet and Zobo® don't say u weren't given an opportunity to invest in my upstart for the teeny weeny fee of $100 a share.
As is the bane of my life when I start something I find it hard to stop, be it blogging, nicking freshly cut pineapples from mom's fridge as a kid, or thinking. So what started out as thinking up novel business ideas quickly turned into existential ish. So much so I actually thought about printing a business card listing my occupation as THINKER. No kidding. Also thought about teaching a class or writing a self-help book on Hip Hop philosophy, where I would posit theories such as the difference in longevity b/w Diddy's and Vanilla Ice's careers being due to the word "STOP" and Diddy's assured take on it. For example, Vanilla's lyrics include "Will we ever STOP? I don't know", while Diddy's been known to blurt out, "Bad Boy, we won't STOP", one too many times.
In my class I'd also talk about how Vanilla Ice and Dr. Dre are problem solvers yet their approaches vary. Vanilla: "If u got a problem, yo I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ resolves it."
Dr Dre: "U got a problem? I got a problem solver and his name is revolver."
What do these lines have in common apart from being crap pieces of rhyme that a kindergarten pupil would be proud of? Suge Knight! Suge threatened Vanilla to sign over royalties to Ice, Ice Baby and probably threatened Dre after he left Deathrow. Since Dre hung out with Suge a lot more than Vanilla did it probably influenced his more violent approach to solving problems. See where I am going with this? Pssttt, honestly I don't have the foggiest where I am going with this; my mind just goes off on its own tangent at times. Let's see if I can stop going on and on and provide y'all with a real short version on what's happened in my life since last blog entry. Wish me luck….
Relationship news: Made it to Lagos on eve of Val's day and surprised the current favorite to take over Neo's position. She felt like having a Chinese meal on the Island and 'cos there was crazy traffic on way there we decided to stop at the first Chinese restaurant we saw. Big mistake. That was my fourth time at Marco Polo - first time the meal was aiight, second time it was so-so, third time it was too salty - and NEVER going back. They had a Val's Day menu that was fixed so one couldn't order outside of what was on offer. The food was crap when it arrived, kept reminding waiter to do his job, and we were shepherded like goods on a conveyor belt. Aarrrgggghhhh!!!! I'da gone to McD's and had a better time. Ordered a cheesecake for dessert - suspect that's what gave me the runs the next day - and even that was flat. Paid the bill and got outside only to find that ride was blocked off at the front and the back - it took 15 minutes for some dude who needs to skip a few meals to move his ride. To top it all off Neo's would-be replacement was so pissed she refused to kiss me goodnight. Like it was my fault the restaurant was crap. I flew in from Warri for goodness sake and that wasn't enough for her?! Reminds me of girlfriend number…hold on, I gotta count….yeah, girlfriend number 5 (or was it 6?) who got mad that I didn't get her a graduation present even though I flew in from Holland to the UK 'cos of the graduation. No mas. I am putting my (pedicured) foot down. From now on all Neo wannabes are gonna have to jump through hoops to get a pic of my abs.
Family news: In the past month Ayo's moved his wedding to September, then back to August, then forward to September. As at yesterday 2352hrs it was scheduled for August. Fingers crossed it doesn't get moved again 'cos boss is starting to get peeved at my constant changing of vacation schedule.
In other would-normally-be-pressure-inducing-but-leave-far-from-family-so-they-can't-stress-me-as-much news baby bro Jide proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years on Val's day. Good on him. They plan to get married some time next year. So Chief's plan to have all his kids hitched by his 70th birthday didn't quite work out, but at the rate his kids are getting married and having kids we might have to hold his 75th birthday at a stadium just so we can all fit in.
Somewhat relationship news but not quite so news: Drove to Lagos a week after Val's day for mate's wedding where I was a groom's man. Musta been the worst groom's man in history 'cos got to the venue after the church service had ended. Blame it on Lagos traffic 'cos though I left the crib at 9.30am (even though the church service was scheduled for 11.00am) I didn't arrive at the venue 'til 1.30pm when the reception was just kicking off. Was feeling well bummed out by the time I got home only to find my mom in deep discussion with her close friend about my marital status.
I gotta ask, is there something about me that says to family members If u gonna try hook me up don't consider the type of stunners I have dated, instead set me up with girls I wouldn't find attractive even if my life depended on it? (Kinda reminds me of this British comedian's joke about how white guys always choose the flyest black chicks to date, yet black guys pick white chicks that even white guys wouldn't date.) U'da heard what my mom's mate was spewing. "If he wants Yoruba girls I already have two in mind for him; one works in a bank, the other, well, not sure what she does but I know she'll be good for him. Her looks? Well, er, er, well, looks ain't everything. Besides I don't think we'd get him women that are too pretty." Huh? I like, nah LOVE, extra, extra pretty women. Apart from stripping and taking a dump and watching movies my other form of exercise/entertainment is talking to extra pretty women. If I wasn't still keen on ruling Nigeria someday I'd emigrate.
Entertainment news: Last month stayed awake all night to watch the Oscars…and they were dire. Hugh Jackman tried his utmost to enliven the atmosphere, but there was just something wrong. I miss watching clips of performances of those nominated. The whole 'past winners come present award' shtick was a tired concept. Imagine if they'd done that for everything from cinematography to animated shorts. Highlight of the night was Steve Martin and Tina Fey presenting the screenwriting award. Nada like comedians, eh? Once again I appeal to Angelina Jolie to dump Brad for me. She needs a dude who can stand up to her…at least some of the time. Dude's so whooped he wore a green ring to match Angelina's green earrings and necklace. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Rihanna and Chris Brown? Nah, too easy. Wayyyyyy too easy.
News news: Well, we almost at 100 days into the Obama administration and all I can say is, wake me up when something interesting happens. There's only so many times I can tune to CNN and hear something about this bailout or that bailout.
(Speaking of CNN they seem to be running outta news anchors 'cos they've now taken to drafting sports anchors to read main news and actually watched a male English anchor slyly diss a female Canadian anchor by saying, "….oh a cranking of wheels, where did that come from?" after she expressed an opinion. Now if they had a reality show based on CNN anchors that I'd watch. Back Story ko, iReport ni. )
Even Americans are so bored all they seem to talk about is Michelle Obama's toned arms. This would be the perfect time for the opposition to hunker down and try to come up with a strategy to win back the hearts of the people. Instead they serve us Michael Steele. First Sarah Palin, now Michael Steele? These guys are in more trouble than I thought.
I miss the good ol' days of the campaign trail. Then I used to have this recurring dream where I was married to Michelle Obama and she'd badger me about text messages on phone that were from Sarah Palin. Now the schwerpunkt of my dreams is practicing strange dance routines. Oh the pain, the pain!
On a local scene, nah, too depressing. We almost two years into this punk's administration and the only thang he's succeeded at is getting his daughters hitched to state governors. Please wake me up when it's over.
Old skool news: Met up with a buddy from boarding school I hadn't seen in 12 years and dude hasn't changed one bit. He's changed physically, but deep down he's still as 'timeless' (FGC Warri guys would know what that means) as ever. Hooked me up with another college mate I hadn't seen in 16 years and dude's as aloof as I remember. That led me to think…oh no, not with the thinking again….that, contrary to what Rocky Balboa asserts at the end of Rocky IV, maybe us humans never truly change. And maybe best way to REALLY find out about someone is from peeps they went to school with. Oh man, if I can do further research on this, publish my findings and give out a free copy of my book with every kiddies meal at McTunde's boli and fish® I'd be a publisher's cheaper alternative to Malcolm Gladwell. Now where can I get me some hair plugs?
Warri news: Last week while admiring my abs in front of the mirror one of nicest tea ladies at the firm called and said she was fired 'cos she's not from "the area". So this punk ass Nigerian national character thang is spreading from political appointees to tea ladies?! What gives? What's wrong with this country when a Nigerian cannot work in another part of the country 'cos they not from that area? We should be ashamed of ourselves. I was so miffed I was gonna write a letter to her bosses condemning their actions when I heard a gun shot. Then I heard more gun shots. Silently turned off the air conditioner, turned on the fan, switched off the lights, then put my phone on vibrate. Always prided myself in not being easily scared, but guess it's different when the danger is real close. Woke up the next morning clutching my bible, and that's when I realized 'cos of fear of getting shot I'd nodded off at 8pm! Ha. Hmmm….fear could be a cheaper alternative to valium.
As I type this the generator is on. Yes, I am not as enamored with PHCN as in last blog entry. That's 'cos they have made me just as scared of them as the average Nigerian. Last week had no power for two consecutive days so when they provided power for an entire day I found myself praying they'd cease power soon 'cos when they decide to 'do their thang' it might last for weeks. I hate that they make me feel this way. Recently received a PHCN bill and tried to call contact number but quickly realized it's outmoded; probably last worked in the 1980s. Anyways asked a colleague where the nearest PHCN office was and he told me, but not b4 relaying his experience with PHCN boss who told him to get married after he queried why power bill was impossibly high for a crib he resides in one day a month. Cheeky bugger. Plan to go there myself and if I get the run around I'll not take NO for an answer. Might have to go there with a secret recording device so if I get told same ol' bull as mate I'll have something to use against him. After all Obama's victory has shown us that….lol…sorry peeps I didn't mean to go there. It's just that ever since November 4th every punk ass politician here uses Obama's electoral success as an analogy for whatever snake oil they trying to sell us. Saw a report on how trying it was for black Iraqis to get on the ballot for the just concluded Iraqi elections TV; those can use Obama's ascent for inspiration, not our venal politicians, not folk in Uganda who use his name for a nite club, and certainly not inept Nigerian football administrators who believe Obama's victory "shows that Nigerian can win the World Cup."
PH news: Yup, been a while since I visited PH but decided to drop by to see 15-month-married mate and his family. Was cool hanging with other PH peeps, but some things just don't change as there was petrol scarcity, crazy traffic jams, and no power supply. Highlight of trip was seeing single mate's new girlfriend. Dude's acting all blasé about it, but it's obvious he likes her. She's real foiiiiiine and best of all bakes cakes. She brought a cake from Lagos for the dude's birthday and it tasted yummy. Later discovered from 15-month-married mate's wife that foiiiiiine chick ain't too sure of her standing with mate and is hoping he proposes soon. Woah, so while us guys were watching TV at mate's house, cheering on Arsenal as they beat Newcastle (3-1) the ladies were having a tete-a-tete about marriage; foolish me for thinking they were cooing over 15-month-married mate's baby.
15-month-married mate's wife assured her that things will be cool, after all she was in a similar position 2 years ago and now she's married with a baby. Go Oprah! All I know is mate's gonna be stupid to let go off her; she bakes cakes for goodness sake!!!!!
Work news: The effect of the global recession can now be seen in the firm's approach to everything from meal subsidies to accommodation. Earlier in the week I was informed a few of us would be flown to a secluded beach to shoot our annual calendar. Yes, I know it's already end of 1st quarter 2009, but if the National Assembly can't pass a budget 'til late in the fiscal year u expect a bunch of professional thong wearers to be on point with their 2009 calendar? Puh-leeese.
So get on the chopper and 20 minutes later we at some crap beach that looked the setting of a bad horror movie. While waiting on the camera crew to get ready I ask for my room and after hemming and hawing the director of the shoot confessed the firm didn't provide enough funds for single rooms so I'd have to share a room. I'm pissed, and make it clear to the director I'd not stand for such treatment next time 'cos last month I was put up in a stank ass motel that had no remote controlled TVs, so spent my nights real close to the TV flipping channels with my toes. Daniel Day Lewis hand me that Oscar.
After the shoot wraps up I take a shower and when I step out of the bathroom I find the director on the bed posing like Michael Jackson on the Thriller album cover. Uh oh. Ain't no way I am sharing a bed with that guy. So I make up some excuse and went on an extra, extra long walk on the beach - sadly, there was no sunset to gaze at - hoping by the time I got back he'd be fast asleep. If only. Dude woke up soon as I opened the door and patted up a pillow for me. Gulp. Where's the sound of gunfire when u need it?
Tot ziens and God bless.
