Don’t u wanna be the ichiban?

Hola peeps. Una qué diferencia al día hace.

They say a week is a long time in politics and with the recent surge of Republican Mike Huckabee and Democrat Barack Obama in the polls, especially the former, one cannot but assent. Know who’s always supported Huckabee from Jump Street? Kung-fu kicking Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not afraid of 350 million Americans; 350 million Americans are so scared of an arse kicking from Chuck Norris they have wholly embraced Mike Huckabee.

(If u not sure which of the Republican candidates Mike Huckabee is possible ways to describe him include, the old white man that’s Kevin Spacey’s doppelganger or the old white man that’s got Mitt Romney running scared in Iowa or the old white man that’s now got the rest of the Republican field running scared nationally.

If u not sure which of the Democratic candidates Barack Obama is possible ways to describe u include, the one who’s been living under a rock these past few months or the one who just swam 10 laps across a famous Egyptian river that some dude named Moses turned to blood many years ago or the one who’s seen that dude beside Oprah somewhere but can’t seem to remember where….oh by the way folk have taken to referring to u as the Canoe Man.)

A week ago John Darwin walked into a police station in London alleging to have suffered from amnesia. Now he and his wife have been indicted on fraud charges by the police. Loadsa folk are upset about the deceit and time and money it cost the police to search for his ‘missing’ body 5 years ago. I am not one of those people. I am just chuffed the media finally fashioned another mirth-inducing nickname for a criminal since John Phillip Walker Lindh’s Johnny Jihad. Lol. That name still cracks me up whenever I think about it.

A few months ago Michael Vick was the face of the National Football League with the highest selling jersey. Now dude’s been sentenced to 23 months in jail as a result of lying about his complicity in dog fighting.

Onto the local scene…..

A few months ago the newly installed Big Kahuna at NNPC promised to “pay Nigerians dividend” by getting the nations refineries working before Xmas. Now his erm, erm, come up with every excuse under the sun.

A few months ago the PDP won the gubernatorial elections in majority of the states in Nigeria and strutted their stuff like they could do no wrong. Now most of those victories are being overturned by election tribunals, so much so that they now so jittery some sections of the party have mooted a change in candidate from President Yar’Adua if his electoral victory is overturned as well.

A few months ago Maurice Iwu-led INEC conducted what’s generally regarded as the worst election in Nigeria’s history. Now not only has dude not been interpellated for his failure to hold credible elections and forced to tender his resignation, he’s still in charge of conducting local government elections in the country. Farcical beyond relief.

On the Warri front….

A few months ago the highlight of my stay in Warri was finding out how long I’d hold in doodle pangs b4 I went to the loo – yes, I was that bored. Last week the highlight was sitting on the plane departing Warri for Abuja. The week before that it was sitting a plane departing Warri for Lagos. Two weeks before that it was hearing the tea lady diss her colleague, See as ur face ugly like monkey wey chop lime. Now I realize Warri ain’t that bad and looking forward to next year when I bring Parminder over. Why the sudden change of heart, u ask. Elementary, my dear Watson-esque readers:

Mate came in to town with family for his bro’s wedding so we hung out Friday night and realized that Warri only shuts down early on weekdays. On weekends the town’s buzzing like Chris Kattan’s Mr. Peepers on crack. Man, I got the shock of my life. U know how everyone thinks Warri isn’t safe? Well, maybe it is maybe it ain’t, but sure helps when the new governor’s installed street lights everywhere. (The cynic in me thinks he’s done it to garner support in case the election tribunal reverses his victory, but hey, I ain’t complaining.) Didn’t get home ‘til 4am – though had to be at the club for the morning shift at 7.30 am – and we hopped from hangout spot to hangout spot; it was real peeps, it was real.

The music everywhere was tops though didn’t see any stunners like I normally would in Lagos or PH….not that I was looking or anything, especially since the company I had was ace. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that mate who came visiting is the one whose wife I had a li’l crush on. HAD being the operative word ‘cos she’s now been usurped by her cuter, younger sister. We hit it off like Whitney Houston and a crack dealer. The highlight of the night was some dude who had had a li’l too much OH- - that’s the geek in me popping outta the closet again – to drink making a bee line for new crush. ‘Cos was with her most of night dude kept screaming at me to “rock” her. “This guy, why u no dey dance? I say make u rock am. I go break bottle here if u no rock am o.” To cut a long story short he ended up getting his arse handed to him. Not by me - oh no siree, I just had a manicure and didn’t wanna mess up my nails - but his mates who got tired of his drunken act. Excellent night I must say.

The next day was the wedding and showed up late ‘cos had to work. Highlight of the day? Mate from high school decided to retire at my crib after running around town. It’s past midnight when dude shows up, but he doesn’t go directly to sleep. Instead he introduces me to his nightly ritual where he calls (rather ‘flashes’) his ‘girls’ when he knows they asleep. That way when they wake up in the morning they see he’s called and so glad they call him back. Dude then spews out something along the lines of, “I couldn’t sleep ‘cos was thinking about u so decided to call…” Apparently it works a treat ‘cos the girls keep calling. Who woulda thunk?

On the travel front….

A few weeks back visited Lagos and was disappointed by Brian McKnight selling me short. Last week went on a mini break – a harmattan holiday if u will – to Abuja and lounged like typical Abuja folk. Man, that place is so laid back the people there are horizontal. The life there is Stepford-esque in its regimen. My 3-night stay with mates consisted of eating, watching movies, watching them bowl (yup, didn’t wanna mess up manicured fingernails), then hit the bar/club ‘til the wee hours of the morning. Ideal job scenario would be to spend weekdays in Abuja and weekends in Lagos; that’d be perfect bliss.

A couple of months ago I made tentative plans to go on holiday. Now booked plane tix to Kenya/Uganda for Xmas, UK for early January, and Ghana for late January (the Africa Nations Cup). Hakuna Matata baby.

On the marriage front….

Last year I was stuck on the rig so could only attend sister’s wedding in December. This year there are way too many friends’ weddings in December and January and might be able to make most. Cutting trip to Kenya/Uganda short ‘cos almost-married mate is finally getting hitched at the end of December. Proud of dude even though this act’s bound to heap more pressure on urs truly to make a firm commitment. Already sis in the UK is sending emails daily: Thought u said u were gonna make up ur mind in December. What’s keeping u? What u afraid of?

Not fretting ‘cos I know I ain’t the oldest guy in the club just yet. While chatting to a mate from Bradford she brought to my attention the fact that all the guys I was tight crew with back then are still single. I blame Yorkshire Water. At the rate we going when the last of us decides to settle down his Best man should be officially designated as Best old man.

On the family front…

A week ago my crib in Lagos was empty of siblings. Now Ayo’s moved back and is complaining about the heat and incessant power outages. U gotta love it.

A week ago Tunde had rock-hard abs. Now his abs are still as rock hard as ever. Guess some things just don’t change.

Tot ziens and God bless.