Hi. My name's Tunde and I regret to say that I'm back on the wagon...

Hola peeps. Que haces? Been ages I know. Crazy, crazy busy. Doing what, u ask. Well, I am getting married. Yup, don’t tell my girlfriend yet but I plan to tell her in a few days. I mean how do u tell someone u in a relationship with that u got hitched to someone else? I hope she understands cos don’t wanna hurt our relationship. If she doesn’t, heck I’m with Angelina Jolie so who cares. Ha huh ha huh. Man, I kill myself. I really should have my own TV show. So how’s the girlfriend really? She’s aiight. We just been having mini arguments lately. Still can’t tell u the reason for the arguments. Okay, maybe it’s time I realized that picking my nose and using the contents thereof to streak her hair is not sexy. Can’t blame me though, I mean if it worked for Tom Green then……….I’ll just shut up.

What u guys been up to? I’ve been busy with work. Some expatriate - yep, strip clubs have foreign subject matter experts (SMEs) also – came over at the beginning of the month and has been imparting knowledge on how best to grift the older clientele. Apparently whispering phrases like, “u don’t sweat that bad for a fat chick” and “those dentures look so real I’d kiss u if it wasn’t against club policy” should loosen the purse strings on a slow night. I’ve tried, believe me I have, but cannot seem to get those words outta my mouth. I mean when I put on those lime green g-strings – my latest nom de plume is Green Lantern – I am there to relieve stress in these ladies’ humdrum lives, not fleece them for all they have. I know I got into this strip game for money but it mustn’t always be about the moolah, how about making a positive contribution to society in the process.

I am thinking of moving to the competition ‘cos I receive no respect at my mate’s club. Not technically my mate’s anymore as he’s sold part of his club to some strip club franchise, and they operate in a slightly different manner. How different? They require one to fill in a book after every lapdance. Easy right? Nah. This book has columns with headings like ‘how do u feel u performed?’, ‘how satisfied do u think the client was?’, etc. I mean it’s degrading. Anyways, I got headhunted by the competition and their offer’s not bad. Problem is I was asked to take a medical and discovered all that dancing close to speakers has affected my left ear. Go figure. Not sure if I’m gonna take their offer due to their casual Friday policy. Always wondered what strippers wore on casual Fridays? Check out my competition.

Enough about work. What else been happening?
Obasanjo’s 3rd term agenda is still being mooted. The dude says he won’t stay on after 2007 so here’s hoping.
Eminem’s gone into rehab for addiction to sleeping tablets? Now that’s hilarious. Wasn’t this the same guy rapping about Vicodin and other prescription drugs? Ha. If only Will Smith could rap about that.
Dude from Westlife admits he’s “always been gay and proud”. If dude was so proud how come he stayed in the closet until his career took off? Whatever, man.
Buzzing this week as I haven’t read / seen / heard about the Scientology couple, u know whom I am referring to.

Saw The Island over the weekend and it coulda been better if the last 20 minutes had been left on the editing room floor. Had seen The Making Of the movie on cable and still cannot get actors’ propensity to laud their latest movie as the best thing since sliced bread (hey, anyone know what was the best thing prior to sliced bread?). So I am watching this and Ewan McGregor and co talk about how Michael Bay’s a unique director cos he shows up every morning without a plan and begins shooting everything in sight. Hmmm, and this guy gets paid gazillions for doing this?! Can’t hate on him though. Guy I felt bad for was Djimon Honsou. I mean the dude’s been nominated for an Oscar twice and he gets to star in clunkers like this and the Lara Croft movie. It’s racism I tell u. Ha huh ha huh. Anyways, feel particularly sad for my African brother cos he’s got the Schwarzenegger syndrome where one’s character always gets a back-story due to one’s ‘different’ accent. I reckon he’s received advances from The Governator and Van Damme, the guy previously known as the Muscles from Brussels but now called the Belgian Waffle, to join the uber-secret Hollywood society NAANAA. To y’all uninitiated, i.e. all of u, NAANAA stands for National Association of Actors with Non-American Accents. I was told about this club by Julio (remember him?) when he tried to make it in Hollywood. Poor Julio’s now trying to resurrect his career as a stripper; his protruding stomach’s not helping though.

The geniuses ruling this great country of ours have mooted (read, long since made their minds up) to raise the price of petrol by up to 60% “in order to reflect global market conditions”. With the price of oil at an all time high one’d expect Nigerians to enjoy this windfall, but no siree, punks like Obasanjo and his cronies say they shouldn’t subsidize the cost of importing refined fuel. So ordinary Nigerians should pay for the government’s lack of foresight, huh? The Saudis are helping their folk enjoy record profits by building affordable housing, Venezuela’s planning to build new ultra-modern refineries, but Nigeria’s increasing the price of petrol. We haven’t built a new refinery in 20 years, nor investigated why the contracted TAM (Turn-Around Maintenance) for certain refineries was never carried out, nor arraigned erstwhile management of the national oil company - or other responsible individuals - for the malversation of the country’s resources with little regard, but we have the temerity to order a hike in gas prices. Shame on u, Mr. Obasanjo, u punk ass soldier.

Okay, maybe I’m being a li’l harsh on the president; after all he’s done a reasonable job in other aspects…….nah, he deserves due criticism for this cos nothing else has ripple effect on the country like gas prices. How greedy can these rulers get? Problem is Nigerians huff and puff, but once we get access to largesse from those in power we suddenly become reticent. How else can one explain Femi Fani-Kayode, once a vocal critic of the president and now his mouthpiece, spewing curses and vitriol on anyone who dares mention the president’s name in less than hallowed terms; or those clamouring for Babangida’s return? Babangida’s sycophants say he wants a second chance to right the wrongs he did. Cool, but the guy’s got more money than most countries, he needn’t be president to make a change in people’s lives. Man, no wonder Nigerians are so religious; without a belief in God, rather without God’s help, who knows what the state of this nation would be. Okay, enuff yapping, action I say, time for action. So what action am I gonna take? Dunno, still praying about it, but it’s gotta be nonviolent cos don’t wanna mess up my manicure.

Aiight, time to go get high. Yup, I’m back on the good weed. Why, u ask. I am getting stressed with work and the weed helps me devise new, exciting dances to enthrall my audience. The other day while giving a Romanian lapdance to a nonagenarian I was working it so much the lady left with the widest, toothless grin I have ever seen. Though she passed away later that night her fav granddaughter invited me to speak at the funeral. “Granny called out ur name just before she sucked in her last breath”, she said, “the whole family thanks u for helping her on her journey to the other side.” Doesn’t this story bring a tear to ur eye? Now do y’all FINALLY understand why I got into this business?!

Downside to smoking weed is I get paranoid and think of weird stuff. Yesterday, while driving home I had the ff sequence of thoughts:
Crap song on the radio.
Oh, it’s Elton John’s new song. Elton used to be so talented, now he’s known more for his flambouyant gay lifestyle than his songs.
Hmmm, he’s got an apartment in Atlanta, doesn’t he? Did he choose ATL cos of its teeming black gay population?
Man, first time I knew black men were gay was on the Jerry Springer show.
Hey, wonder if there were any gay slaves. Worse, could there have been any flambouyantly gay slaves?
Now that’d be funny. Imagine the white man whipping him while shouting, “ur name is not Kunta Kinte, say Toby, ur name is Toby!” The slave then replies, “oooooh, stop it, my name was never Kunta, it’s Kuzzie, capital ‘k’- small ‘u’ – small ‘z’ – capital ‘z’ – small ‘i’ with a heart – capital ‘e’. Can’t u hear or are u illiterate?” Ha huh ha huh.

Okay, really gotta go. Tot ziens, God bless and please keep praying for Nigeria.