If u can't stand the heat get the f%@k outta the country....

Hola peeps. Que haces? Been back in Nigeria for just over 3 weeks now and I dunno if it’s me but don’t remember Lagos being this hot. Forget about Jenny Craig or SlimFast, the easiest way to lose weight is to be stuck in Lagos traffic. Damn. I wish I’d say I’m getting used to the heat but that’ll be like saying Denise Richards was believable as a nuclear scientist in The World Is Not Enough. Speaking of unbelievable stuff a friend of mine in the States said Britney Spears wants to study to be a forensic scientist. I’m not kidding! Y’all see what the spate of CSI shows has done to American youth? Forensic scientist, my arse. That girl should be made to visit a pathologist for daring to cover Bobby Brown’s classic My Prerogative. Okay, okay I digress…..as usual.

So what has changed about Nigeria since 1996? Well, the movie industry’s expanded even though the quality’s as crap as ever – some actor was reported to have starred in over 50 movies in a year, even Rob DeNiro, Nicole Kidman and Jude Law combined can’t come close to that – but the music industry’s off the ying yang. Man, the best thing about it is that most musicians are doing their own thang and not just copying American rap stars. I’ll send y’all a mixtape some time if y’all are interested. Well, this being Nigeria and all it’ll probably be a bootleg copy; everywhere u go u find bootleg CDs or DVDs. The other day I saw a clear ass copy of RAY selling for 750 Naira (3 pounds). Talk about entrepreneurial spirit.

Just got my driver’s license and gonna start driving soon; avoided driving ‘til the license was ready in order not to bribe any policemen. U can’t help but feel for some of the coppers: they have a thankless task and get paid pittance so sometimes u can’t blame them for their actions. That said, u find some who are just venal punks. Recently, the top copper in the land was forced to resign after being suspected of embezzling over a billion naira. The worst ‘law enforcement’ folk are the Lagos State Maintenance Authority (LASTMA). These guys are more like traffic cops and their remit is to apprehend those who flout traffic laws. If u think the meter maids in London are bad u’d see these punks in action. They’ve been known to entrap folk by disguising traffic/parking signs and then pouncing on the clueless driver. I’ve heard from various quarters that they resort to such nefarious tactics ‘cos each one’s got a quota (given by the state governor) they gotta fill. U don’t say, well, they still don’t get my sympathy vote ‘cos I was recently caught in their crafty net. Punk ass punks. Now I wish I’d gotten a camcorder as a parting gift, so I’d be able to record their actions and put them online. Bet the governor will change his stance after that.

So what have I been up to since I’ve been back? Chilling, hanging out with long-lost mates, interviewing with companies I’m interested in doing my national service with, etc. Got my national service callup letter on Monday (7th March) and discovered I wasn’t posted to Lagos. Damn, I’d always heard international students could choose where they’d wanna be posted to. Now, I’m off to Edo State. T o y’all who don’t know that’s like hoping u get sent to New York and then u find urself in some backwater town in the deep South. Gonna try to get redeployed, if not then maybe y’all see me in the UK sooner than u expected. Ha huh ha huh. Nah, guess I’ll just have to make the best of it.

Man, the erratic power supply here’s driving me crazy. I swear it was never this bad when I was last year. Heard on the radio the other day that some part of Badagry, Lagos hadn’t had any electricity supplied to them since December 2003!

Went to a wedding 2 Saturdays ago and man, Nigerian girls are fine. Maybe all that time abroad dulled my senses, but man! Hey, maybe it’s finally time I myself a girlfriend, huh? Ha huh ha huh. Yeah, speaking of girlfriends I found out that I have one I didn’t know about. Turns out some chick I met in 2002 and been in contact with since told her friend, who told my brother, that I was her boyfriend. Now, before y’all say nada I categorically affirm that I never led her to believe I was in a relationship with her. Now I’m looking for the best way to go about confronting her without pissing on her feminine pride. Hey, us guys are used to rejection so it’s nothing new for us but with women one’s gotta be tactful. Hey, maybe this posting to Edo State’s not so bad after all. Ha huh ha huh. Seriously, the chick’s not bad, it’s just that she’s not my type and she seems to be one of the numerous Nigerian chicks who are looking for guys that wanna get married asap. Maybe I’ll be safer dating an 18 yr old chick; I might have to watch a few SpongeBob Squarepants videos but at least I won’t be bugged about getting hitched. I’ll let y’all know how things turn out. Tot ziens and God bless y’all.

PS
The Oscars were held last week Sunday and u wanna know the best thing about that award show? Kevin Spacey wasn’t nominated. The guy’s a cool actor, but it seems since American Beauty he’s calculatingly chosen roles in which he’s expected to be nominated for some award or the other. I’m not tripping, go look it up. Do successful actors really need validation for their craft? Sad, sad.

PPS
Man, safe sex ads are all over Nigeria now. A good thing, huh? Well, not necessarily. These guys are overdoing it. The other day while listening to the radio I heard an ad for a new kindergarten that was opening its doors for business. At the end of the ad I heard a kid’s voice say, “Remember, AIDS is real. If u must have sex, make sure u use prophylactics.” Okay, okay I lie, but the ads are everywhere though.

PPS
Okay, last thing I promise. There seems to be a church or mosque everywhere I look. Nigeria’s probably the most religious country in the world; maybe it’s ‘cos we’re so tired of our elected leaders taking the piss, we hope/pray God’s peeps wouldn’t do the same. As a result of this ordinary peeps get taken advantage of while some religious leaders fall over themselves to lick the president’s nether regions. Hey, I have only been back for 3 weeks, what do I know, right?