Mi Familia

Hola peeps. My older brother Akin left for Nigeria yesterday. Never knew 3 weeks could fly by so fast. Now I’m back to my cereal diet. Why? Well, ‘cos we’ve run outta cooked food in the house. U see anytime my dad or a family member arrives from Nigeria my sisters (who have all moved out) show up with food and drinks to last for days. For some reason these tend to run out as soon as the ‘guest’ departs. Wouldn’t it help if my sisters came round to cook for poor Tunde and Ayo once in a while? I know y’all are wondering why I don’t cook myself. U wouldn’t ask that question if u understood the dynamics that governed a male household: if u cook even once u become the designated cook. Anytime anyone’s hungry they will then badger u ‘til u succumb. Guys (my bro Ayo and I, in this case) would rather starve than cook. U know how when women live together they tend to synchronise their visits from aunt Flo? Well, when guys live together they tend to be always hungry and u wouldn’t want that problem on ur shoulders. Capisci?

It’s been a fun 2 weeks (well, my dad was here during Akin’s first week) having Akin around. That guy’s the funniest anecdotist I know. U should hear him speak. He prefaces every story with “this is totally true”. Half the time u are not sure whether to laugh at his genius or smack him for his obvious embellishments to the original story/incident. For some reason he tends to know peeps that seem to go through the weirdest situations. The other day I return home after a hard day at work (hey, emailing friends is no easy task) and he told me he came across a channel on cable that’s called Naked News. As the name suggests, their programming schedule consists of nude women reading the news, weather, sports, etc. I’ve been back in the UK for almost a year now and I never came across that channel. See what I mean? I’m sure gonna miss him. PS: Naked News is his fav channel now. I half expect him to pester the cable operators in Nigeria to add it to their list of channels.

Akin has some canny observations also. The other day we were driving somewhere and a Tupac CD was playing. He made us to skip to Hit ‘em Up, u know, the track where he spews unadulterated vitriol towards Biggie Smalls. Anyways, here’s the exchange we had (by the way my nickname in the family is Yellow…..don’t ask, looooooooong story):

Akin: Yellow, I love this song.
Yellow (aka Tunde): Yeah, excellent track.
Akin: Imagine him calling out those people and telling them he was gonna kill them. “Die slow muthaf$%&er, my .44 make sure all ur kids don’t grow”. And then he was the one that got killed. Funny stuff.

For days afterwards I would think about what he said and just crack up. I’m sure some peeps on the train probably thought I had lost it. Don’t sleep on Akin though. If Eminem ends up being killed by a motley crew comprising of his mom, Kim, Ja Rule, Vanilla Ice, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Fred Durst and a bunch of gay guys, Akin could be hailed as a prophet for our times. Think about it.

So what’s been happening in the world since I last blogged?

1. The 2004 MTV Music Awards was staged in Miami and as usual stars fell over themselves to outdo each other. General sycophantic behaviour, but what else is new? I wish I’da presented an award just so I’d diss Shaq for his delusion in guaranteeing Miami the NBA title. Y’all can quote me on this: The Miami Heat ain’t gonna win diddly squat. Shaq should take his bulls%$t somewhere else. Yeah, did I tell y’all that Shaq wants to be a police officer when he retires from the NBA? Serious, I ain’t joking. Maybe he wants an excuse to blow a hole in Kobe and get away with it. Or maybe he wants to scoff down as many donuts as possible without having sports fans commenting on his weight.

2. The Republican National Convention was held in New York and none of the speakers - well, none of the televised speakers anyway – made any mention of Osama bin Laden ‘cos then peeps might ask why he hasn’t been captured and why warlords and the opium trade are flourishing in Afghanistan. Instead, they picked on Kerry and the Democrats and used the phrase “9/11” a gazillion times. And u wonder why they chose to have their convention in New York - a largely blue (Democratic) state!

3. John Kerry finally grew some balls by calling Bush out for talking outta both sides of his ass about the expiration of the bill banning assault weapons. Kerry took a potentially dangerous stand ‘cos the National Rifle Association (NRA) are powerful lobbyists and have loadsa money at their disposal. A school of thought contends that Al Gore lost loadsa votes in 2000 due to the fact that he cast the deciding vote that instituted the ban in the first place. Man, politics is such a dirty game. Apparently, it’s okay to make false statements (a la George “the economy is getting better…….Iraq is getting better…” Bush) or make contradictory statements (a la John Kerry talking about his environmental policy one minute, then boasting about his SUVs in auto-manufacturing Detroit the next) so long as u have spokespeople who will explain to the masses what u ‘really’ meant. If this is democracy I’d rather have dictatorship. Okay, okay maybe I was a li’l too rash with that last sentence, especially since I know that in a dictatorship I’d probably be harassed for writing this. That’s one thing u can be sure that a democratic society wouldn’t condone. Hmmmmm, maybe I’d say a TRULY democratic society ‘cos some older black folk organising voting drives are being systematically harassed in Florida. Yep, Florida. The same state that generated all that controversy during the last election. The same state where Jeb Bush is a governor. Guess if Shakespeare were writing Hamlet now he’d substitute Florida for Denmark. Hey, don’t listen to me, Florida’s not all that bad; the 2004 MTV Music Awards was held there for goodness sake. Seriously though, I know y’all are probably thinking why I am bothered about injustices occurring in a country that I am not a citizen of. Well, injustices that occur in England, Nigeria, Sudan, anywhere in the world, should bother us all. Besides, Halle Berry lives in the States and anything that affects her also affects me. Huh ha huh ha

4. Y’all hear Sharon Stone’s signed up to star in the sequel to Basic Instinct? Guess those AOL commercials don’t pay enough to keep her in the style she’s become accustomed to. Ouch! Now if Michael Douglas signs on to star y’all can compare wrinkles during their inevitable gratuitous nude scene. Man, I’m good. I’d add Film critic to my ever expanding job title. So far I have: Chemical engineer, footballer (declined a pro contract from Arsenal so he’d have the time to blog), stripper, blogger, actor (everyday I pretend I like y’all), model (u’d see me in suit!), park jogger, plumber (been known to fix my kitchen sink), mentor (to y’all wanna-be bloggers). Yeah, ever notice how no one’s got one profession anymore? Trust me, watch any of those crap ass ranking shows on VH1, E!, MTV, etc, and y’all will know what I mean. All the ‘commentators’ are tagged singer/actor, comedian/actor, actor/waiter/Cher’s toyboy, etc. Man, I feel this could be a blog topic. Yeah, yeah maybe another time. Talking about film critiques the funniest I have heard lately was for TROY. It read: Wooden horse, wooden cast, wouldn’t go. Pure genius.

Okay peeps, gotta go. I promise (if I remember) I’ll insert a pic of my love Miss Jolie in the next blog. She’s quite shy so I took the pic with a telescopic lens. I know I’d get arrested for it but that’s what I do for y’all. Hope y’all appreciate it….or at least promise to visit me in the can if I get caught. Tot ziens.

PS
Man, can’t believe I almost forgot to tell y’all this. Remember a few blogs ago when I told u Femi’s wife Tobi chided me for calling her friends? Good. Anyways I deleted the chicks’ numbers and haven’t called them since then. Who needs the hassle, hey? Anyways, I saw Tobi on Monday and she said one of her friends (not one of the girls I told y’all about) has been asking about me. She then tried to persuade me to call the girl and couldn’t quite fathom why I wouldn’t want to. Am I high or wasn’t this the same girl who went off on a rant about me calling her friends? Don’t get me wrong, this friend of hers is good looking, but the thing is my brother Ayo has been digging her since he first saw her. Ain’t no way I would go there.

Nah, I’m being too rash again. I’d say she’s not fine enough for me to risk getting my bro a li’l peeved. If Tobi’s friend looked like Angelina Jolie u better believe I’d step to her no matter what my brother thought. Hey, he’s family, he’ll understand. B4 y’all get ur panties in a twist that’s one of the unwritten rules guys are governed by: if u are digging a girl and she likes ur mate (or brother) instead u’d accept this and wish them the best; it’s that simple. Remember a few blogs back when I said one of the things a guy should never do is go out with his sister’s friends? Same get-out clause as above applies. If ur sister’s friend is crazy fine who cares what she thinks? I abided by this rule all my life ‘til I met a friend of my sis who was crazy, crazy fine….well, to me anyways. So fine that when we worked at the same place the guys gave her the moniker Inspiration, ‘cos…well y’all can work that one out by urselves. Sad thang was she had halitosis, body odour, screwed up voice……okay, okay she didn’t dig me. Y’all satisfied now?! However, if she had succumbed to my charms I’d not have been bothered if our relationship caused a rift between her and my sister. Heck, I’da disowned my sister if that’s what it took. Hmmmm, maybe I’dn’t have typed the last sentence. No worries, my sis doesn’t read my blog anyways. But what if one of y’all slimeballs brought it to her attention? Y’all wouldn’t do that to me, would ya, would ya? Whatever man, do ur worst. She’s family, she’ll understand.

Mommy dearest

Hola peeps. Alles lekker? Good. So my brother arrived from Nigeria last week Wednesday and hands me a letter from my mom. To y’all who don’t know my mom loves writing letters. If letter writing were an Olympic event my mom would be a gold medallist several times over. So here I am reading stuff and then I’m stopped in my tracks by them-is-fighting-words words.

A li’l background: my mom’s birthday was on the 15th and since my younger siblings returned to Nigeria on the 14th I sent a gift to her. I called Lagos on the 14th to make sure they got home okay. Spoke to them and then they hand the phone to my mom. First thing I hear is: “Tunde, I don’t know what I’ve done that makes u treat me this way. U send gifts to ur friends and family and don’t send squat to me.” At this point I assume that my sister hasn’t handed her her gift. I tell her that I did send something through my sister and maybe my sis’s waiting ‘til a day later – her birthday – to give her the gift. She says “Yes, she told me you sent me a present, but I assumed that’s for my birthday. Couldn’t u have also sent a token gift or something?” Now I’m pissed. I ask her if in the past I haven’t sent stuff to her whenever anyone’s departing the UK for Nigeria. I tell her that her birthday coincided with my siblings’ return to Nigeria and that was why I sent one gift. So now y’all understand the type of relationship my mom and I have? Good. Back to the story…

She conveys through the letter that she’s not particularly keen about the present I sent. U see every year I usually send her some perfume but I thought I’d be a good son this year and put a li’l effort into her gift, so I got her a very nice bathroom products combo thingy that costs about the same as perfumes I normally get. Hey, it’s the thought that counts!. According to her: “….I know the stuff’s expensive but I would have preferred some perfume or something else….” Arrrggghhhhh! What’s a son to do? Some weeks before her birthday I sent a letter through a friend and specifically asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She didn’t acknowledge this. Maybe it’s one of those things women do when they want to test how much u really care about them. She doesn’t gimme a clear answer on what she wants as a birthday present so I get her something I think she’d like and all I get is grief. Reminds me of when I was younger. This woman will say something along the lines of “Tunde, which of these outfits do u think I’d wear, the red one or the white one? What’s that u said? U like the red one? But what’s wrong with the white one? Nah, I think I’ll wear the white one.” See what I’m saying? If she’d made up her mind already on what to wear why should she disturb me when I'm watching TV?

My mom loves to be the centre of attention. I know new born babies that don’t crave as much attention as she does. She reminds me of a line from one of my fav songs of all time. How many of u remember When Doves Cry by Prince? Remember the chorus? “….maybe I’m just like my father, too bold…..maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied……”. That’s exactly how I feel most times. Man, I gotta give my dad major props for having the tenacity to cope with her, his other wives, and his girlfriends all these years. Guess they don’t make men like they used to, huh? Huh ha huh ha huh.

Seriously though, my mom can be the nicest person in the world and all my mates talk about how nice she is…..like they’d know! It’s just that sometimes one wishes she didn’t always shoot from the hip. Tact is a word that’s not in her vocabulary. She’ll embarrass the hell outta her kids, anywhere, anytime. U know how most chicks (in the movies anyways) talk about why they wanna marry guys like their dads? It’d be bliss if my wife turns out to be the complete opposite of my mom. Okay, that's not true. If my wife possessed my mom’s culinary skills, but not other aspects of her makeup, I’d be an even happier bunny. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been attracted to Ibo girls ‘cos my mom’s Ibo. Subconsciously, I musta tried to avoid anyone whom I suspected could have a smidgen of my mom’s idiosyncrasies. Like I mentioned earlier, I’d give countless cases of times she’s embarrassed me, but I suppose I’ve done the same to her at one time or the other. In retrospect, she musta felt she was doing the right thing not knowing she was scarring me, literally. Y’all know the scar on the back of my neck, how do u think I got that? It was one of those instances where she was about to whup my ass and I tried to escape. While trying to grab hold of me by the scruff of the neck her fingernails drew blood. I fumed and asked if she admired her handiwork. She deadpanned, “now u can tell ur kids that intransigence only leads to hurt”. ‘Cos of that sorry episode I still know what intransigence means. So y’all are now my witnesses. My mom says she’d prefer perfumes the next time I wanna get her a gift. Sad thang about that is she’s a perfume connoisseur, so could probably figure out the cost of any perfumes I get her. Then I’d be forced to listen to a diatribe about how I spend pittance on her, but much more on my girlfriends. What’s a guy to do?

Hey, u remember 2 blogs back when I told y’all about the new love of my life? Well, I’m falling deeper in love with her everyday. Peeps, this isn’t me. I’m all love-struck and tongue-tied when I’m around her. I’m not being arrogant but I’ve never doubted if I was ever good enough for a chick. With Miss Jolie - my nickname for her - I sometimes wonder what she sees in me. Honest. Now I know what Lionel Richie, Babyface and Brian McKnight have been singing about all these years. She’d be The One, I tell u. As my loyal readers I’d to let y’all know. I can't hide it anymore. It’s so bad, I find myself writing poems now. Yeah, me, a frigging poet! My body of work is already so large Tupac’s mom is starting to get jitters. I’m sure this love’s gonna rival that depicted in that crap ass movie Titanic. Peeps are gonna write sonnets about this love; newly discovered planets are gonna be named after this love; peeps ar gonna regale their kids with tales about this love. Okay, I’m making y’all reach for the puke bag, huh? My bad, my bad. I shall elaborate more on “this love” next time. Tot ziens.