I go take am for bus / I go take am for plane……….. Hmmm, all that just to get to Ego’s? One has to wonder where this chick lives.

Hola peeps. Lo siento. Real sorry about last blog entry folks. Read it over again and I seemed to kinda justify the actions of erstwhile arrangement’s boyfriend for getting my number off her phone. Almost sounded like excuses abused women give. “He can’t help but be possessive. He really loves me though. Okay sometimes he hits me, but it’s ‘cos he has no other way of expressing his love. See this scar across my cheek, that was my Valentine’s Day present; a present I’ll always remember. That’s love, baby…”

Lol….just needed to get stuff off my chest and observed over the years that the best way my mind/willpower works is when I make a declaration public I try my utmost to keep it; same happened with the teetotal declaration. On the other hand if I keep an ‘addiction’ to myself I tend to formulate excuses anytime s$%t hits the fan. Just in case y’all feel I’m gonna start offloading heavy stuff on y’all u can relax. To be honest y’all were my last resort. U see I’d earlier contacted a close female friend about my nookie problem, u know, expecting to hear some life-altering female intuitive answer and all I got was, “hmmmm, do u know it’s been over a year since I got me some?” Lol…….how was I supposed to respond to that? So I’ll stop blogging about that aspect of my life and transfer my adventures to my forthcoming memoirs. Anyone wanna buy an advanced copy?

On the subject of memoirs I am currently reading Wole Soyinka’s childhood memoirs, Ake, and boy that dude can write! Amazing how he can recall minutiae of childhood life, while all I can remember about my early years is sneaking under a table in kindergarten to kiss a girl, being kissed by a neighbour who was significantly older when I was 3 or 4 (I’d hoped this arrangement would continue when I bumped into her in boarding school 6 years later, but she was 4 years ahead of me in class and couldn’t even remember me…….boo hoo, she used me!!!!), and having crushes on my mom’s friends. Soyinka also mentioned childhood infatuation on his godfather’s wife so I guess us geniuses have this in common. Ha huh ha huh ha. Just occurred to me that Soyinka’s vivid recollection of childhood is probably due to the fact that he had no TV as a kid…….or maybe I’m just looking for an excuse not to blame my weed intake for slight significant memory loss. It’s herb folks; surely it cannot be bad, can it?

Mate of mine in the UK who has indirectly touched ur lives is so many ways – he was the dude that convinced me to start blogging – has decided to give stand-up comedy a try. Dude’s got a typical British wit and cracks me up most times. So those of y’all in the London area if u happen to come across a four-eyed ginger-haired guy, called Oliver, cracking bad jokes y’all better laff…….or else.

Man, dunno how he’d do it. Watching comedians ‘die’ in front of an audience is probably the most cringe-worthy activity in the entire world. I love taking risks, yet standing in front of a room trying to make total strangers laff is something I don’t think I’d try. More so after a presentation I just gave. I’m currently in Warri schooling folk on dancing and top management decided it’d be best to undertake classes on presentation styles ‘cos they’d received feedback from clients that they’d be willing to cough up more dough if the dancers spoke to them affectionately and an ATM installed in the club. After installing the ATM they got a few of us to practise our presentation skills. After two tries I was informed that my diction is perfect – what else did y’all expect? – but I seem to have this habit of mumbling my words like I’m talking to myself (or having an intimate conversation with a woman) – blame it on those nights spent mimicking Barry White. Plan to take more of such classes to improve my flaws ‘cos no way Nigerians are gonna vote me in as president with egregious oratory skills.

Man, it really would be fun trying out that stand-up thang. Let’s see how my mate does and if I get enuff tips from him I just might try it……once…..while wearing a mask…..and sporting an East African accent. Lol. Actually used to try out loadsa accents with roommate back in Holland. While watching The Hunt For Red October on TV we both remarked about the absurdity of Sean Connery’s acting – dude can act, but uses the same accent in every movie – and came upon a brilliant plan: at the beginning of everyday we’d decide on an accent to mimic and whenever we spoke to each other we’d have to stay in ‘character’; anyone that messed up would be assigned cooking duties the next day. Geeky I know, but it was fun, and as y’all know I’d do anything to avoid spending time in the kitchen and messing up my perfectly manicured nails; that and the fact Constantinov made a heckuva lasagne.

Back to Connery, do y’all women out there actually think the dude is still sexy at his age? I hear that from actresses all the time and I think it’s a load of bollocks. American TV/Movies have convinced us to consider some things as veritable statements: Sean Connery is sexy and shall continue to be so even when he’s rotting in his grave (Ooooh, Sean’s skeleton’s so sexy, look at the way the maggots move in and out of his eye sockets….); Julia Roberts is gorgeous; Drew Carey is funny; Friends is a funny show; Reality shows are the future of TV; anytime u wanna escape in a car u can find the keys in the ignition or somewhere close at hand; etc. All friggin’ lies. Don’t have the time or energy to nitpick on points raised, but plan to have a section on my TV show – format to be revealed soon – called S%$T I NEED TO GET OFF MY CHEST:

Don’t believe what movies tell u about Sean Connery being sexy at his age. Not saying looks are the only sign of sexiness or that old folk cannot be sexy – I’d date Helen Mirren, Pam Grier or Candice Bergen in a heartbeat – it’s just that most of it is all publicists’ drivel to make one watch Sean’s movies. Ever notice it’s only female actors who star in movies with Sean that blab on about his ethereal animal magnetism. Would they really wanna sleep with him – maybe Vivica A. Fox would as she’s desperate to kick-start her career – if they had the chance? Na lie.
Also I wish actors would stop citing him as inspiration ‘cos though dude can act that same Scottish accent in every role he plays is starting to piss me off. At least give it a try, Sean. I am paying to watch ur movies, give it a try. ‘Cos of his successful career folk like Kevin Costner thought it germane to play Robin Hood with an American accent, and the current too-lazy-to-learn-an-accent actor du jour Colin Farrell is following the same career path. What we need are more actors like Brendan Glesson who’s played various nationalities (Irish, Scottish, American, Panamanian, English, South African, etc.) and made them all believable. When I become president of Nigeria he’s gonna be my Special Adviser on Accents – just in case I bump into Constantinopoulus again. Maybe I’d get him to teach these Nollywood folk a thang or two (or a million) about acting.

Phew, I feel so much better. And now for some entertainment news: Er, do u know anyone who likes London Bridge by Fergie (from Black Eyed Peas fame)? Awful, awful song. Chick’s letting the wolf whistles from NY construction workers get to her head. Who does she think she is, Nicole Scherzinger?

Speaking of lovely, lovely Nicole, the only chick I’d consider leaving Angelina Jolie – yes, I am back on that crush again – for, didn’t she look crazy hot (like she always does) in the Come To Me video? P.Diddy on the other hand looked like he had run outta dance steps. It’s okay, Diddy, every guy tries to avoid it, but the older one gets the more one starts dancing like one’s folks. Dreading the day I’ll subconsciously start executing my dad’s favourite two-step. Aaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh.
Feel Diddy might be having a mid-life crisis ‘cos noticed he had grillz on his lower teeth as well. Hey, it just occurred to me that those might actually be braces disguised as grillz. Damn, ain’t it just like Diddy to start a new trend.

Also saw Nicole – I think she’s stalking me – in Avant’s Lie About Us video. That chick must be pissing off the other Pussy Cat Trolls (PDT) by clogging all the limelight, especially considering the fact that she wasn’t a founding member. I wonder what they’ll do when she leaves. Y’all remember that English boy band East 17? Fear the other PCT might end up like those two East 17 members who existed just to do ‘boy band movements’ (ooooh, my heart’s aching so I’ll walk around with my head hanging low; I’m pretending to be hard so I gaze at TV with a scawl just long enuff for the video director to shout “CUT”). I hear one of them’s an ice cream vendor now.

Yeah, what’s up with newscasters staring into the camera for ages until a new video/link comes up. “….and that’s what the president said. We’ll now move to Janie in Chicago for update on the weather. Janie?” Damn, I have been staring at the camera for a few seconds now. Where’s that ho Janie? Probably high on drugs again I bet. Man, I can’t keep up this fake smile on face for much longer….oops, the laxative’s kicking in, I just pooped my pants on live TV with a fake smile on my face. Damn that Janie.

While trying to avoid Nicole I caught Cassie’s (of P.Diddy’s BBE) video Me & U, and suspect BBE might be going broke. Did u see how crap that video was? Just some real flat-chested (and we know TV adds 10 lbs) chick dancing in front of a mirror. Reminded me of Johnny Gill’s first solo video, Rock Me The Right Way. To y’all who are too young/senile to remember the video consisted of just Johnny dancing, no chicks, no dancers, no nada. Even during Johnny’s live performances dude was so tight he wouldn’t bring dancers along. If he could I bet he’da wanted to do the background singing as well.

Craig David was caught smooching with Pepa of Salt N’ Pepa fame. Not Spinderella the cute DJ, but grandma Pepa?! No, Craig, please say it ain’t so. Thought being famous was supposed to ease one’s troubles in hooking up with fine chicks.

Work news: Last weekend the club management took us to Enugu on another bonding session. On the way back to Warri we stopped by some gas station to stretch our legs. This place was located beside a police checkpoint so we felt kinda safe……until the police got alerted about a robbery vehicle that was heading their way. Was like a movie. The police instructed us to move away from the road and hide behind the gas station while they mounted a road block. Surprisingly, my heart wasn’t racing like last time I got mugged. Instead I prayed to God, especially apologizing for last nookie escapade and continued eating my meal of rice and fish. Hmmm, yummy. Anyways, I couldn’t see much from back of gas station, but heard a gunshot and about 30 seconds later walked out to find the police dismantling the road block. Apparently, the robbers fired a warning shot in the air and cops fled their post. Starsky and Hutch this ain’t.

Trip to Enugu was less adventurous, but exciting all the same. Was listening to radio when I Wonder If I Take You Home by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam came on. Took me back to my childhood and then I actually listened to the lyrics: Lately u’ve been expressing to me / Just how much u wanna make love / I want it just as much as u do / But will u still keep in touch / U say I’m teasing but ought to have a reason / Don’t let ur feelings fade / ‘Cos u will have me and sooner than u know it / If u could only wait…….. I actually danced to this as an 8 year old?! Damn. This got me thinking about inspiration behind songs. We all know sex motivates all R. Kelly songs, booty call all Color Me Badd (remember them?) and Jodeci (remember them as well?) songs, and Alicia Keys’ first CD was appealing to her ‘man’ behind bars, but while listening to a few others I think I kinda got an inkling into their origins. I must warn y’all I was high on paraga when this train of thought came chugging along so please take that into consideration when reading the following items:

1. I BRUISE EASILY by Natasha Bedingfield inspired by hypochondriacs.
2. I WONDER IF I TAKE U HOME by Lisa Lisa inspired by naivete.
3. YOU’RE MAKING’ ME HIGH by Toni Braxton inspired by weed or aviation industry.
4. BECAUSE I GOT HIGH by Afroman inspired by er, spiritual upliftment?

Okay, back to the Enugu trip. The team stopped by some geological outcrop at Umanya and couldn’t help but be amazed at God’s creation. However, I noticed something was eerily familiar about a magnificent structure we came across, it wasn’t ‘til the next day I realized what the rock surface reminded me of. My six-pack! The faults on the rock face looked as if someone had taken a chisel to them, the hard surface, the contours, sheer magnifique. OBTW, seems I might need to buy a new belt as my current one seems to have shrunk ‘cos it’s starting to feel tight from all the muscles building around my stomach.

Was quite impressed at the state of roads in Enugu; the place is real clean. The hotel however left much to be desired. Walked into the room I was allotted and seemed as if the hotel cleaners used urine-scented air freshener to disguise the smell of cigarette-soaked bed sheets. Serious, it was that bad; and ‘cos the hotel was fully booked I couldn’t get alternate accommodation. As if that wasn’t bad enuff just as I had put on my new ‘flee from sex’ sneakers some dude at the hotel came up to me and said he’s used to folk from the club staying over in this hotel. He then asked if I’d like some female company. Huh? “I usually organize very fine chicks from the university for guys from ur club”, he boasted. “Just lemme know if u’re interested.” While cracking myself up about it and getting ready to tell colleagues about what just happened, a mate ran up to me saying some dude had approached him about procuring chicks. Lol…..man, if this dude had worn a fur coat with some gold rings at least we’da had an inkling. Anyways, another mate took up his, er, ‘offer’, but dude didn’t provide as promised….at least that’s what mate said the next day.

Marriage news: Yes, folks, I am getting married. I proposed to Isha Sesay and she said…….ooops, sorry that’s for another blog. Yeah, more mates getting married, but that’s not really news anymore, is it? Decided to write about marriage-related discussions with mates ‘cos it’s occurred more and more in the past few weeks and I hope this will go some way to easing fears of u single ladies out there. Also, the following letter, which was published in a daily last week, convinced me I had to blog about marriage: “Dear Annie, I want to get married and am not good-looking. How can I be good-looking?” Serious, I s&%t u not, that was an actual letter. Annie wnet on to placate chick with trite comments like, “Even if u are not good-looking on the outside, what matters is the inside……” Do peeps actually write these things? I swear if I had more time I’d compose letters of same ilk to gauge Annie’s response. Dear Annie, I am a married man with a proclivity for touching the swollen stomachs of pregnant ladies. I used to be a DJ, and lately I’ve been having dreams of performing at parties, but instead of vinyl records I find myself ‘scratching’ swollen stomachs mounted on a turntable. What can I do to stop from feeling like a freak? Yours, Freaky Guy.

Okay, back to the M word. When last in Lagos discussions with two mates kinda diverted to the topic of mariage and one said if he’d find a chick he’d date for longer than 3 months he’d marry her. His problem is chicks he really digs ain’t even thinking about settling down. The other mate made his case for marriage: “Dudes, do u know how much I spend on the phone with this chick everyday? It’d be cheaper to marry her.” Lol….wait, there’s more. Went out with mates from the club last night and discovered ALL the unmarried guys are anxious to get hitched. ‘Cos most of them are making decent money and their career prospects are good they wanna get hitched before loadsa money starts coming in ‘cos then they wouldn’t know if chick they interested in is after their money. Sad, huh? Some guy actually complained bitterly about chick he’s dating. “All she wants to do is go out for a meal. I spend a fortune feeding this chick every week, at least if we were married bucks I spend on a week’s outing could be used to buy groceries that would last us a month.”

So what have y’all learned from the two scenarios highlighted? Guys DO wanna get married….but mostly ‘cos it makes economic sense. And u wonder why they call us a generation of cynics, huh?

In order to further alleviate my own fears I spoke to two married guys about what makes marriage work or how they knew their wives were the right ones for them.

Married Guy 1 (*married with two kids*): “People say marriage is a 50-50 relationship. That’s BS. Marriage is a 100-100 thang. Give 100% of urself to ur wife and trust me she would return the favour. Also, before u choose a partner u must pray and make sure ur wife has what u’ve always admired in a woman. If u’re a boobs-guy and u marry a woman who’s flat-chested believe me whenever she makes u angry u’ll go out looking for what u feel she’s missing.”

Married Guy 2 (*been married just over 6 months*): “Dude, if u dating someone and she bores the heck outta u, run for ur life. Also if u plan to have daughters some day be careful how u choose ur wife ‘cos ur daughter would DEFINITELY end up like her mother….and u wouldn’t want some poor mug to suffer like u did, would ya? ”

Hmmm, y’all reckon Married Guy 2 is trying to tell me something? Ha. Anyways, sought a female’s opinion and think I chose the wrong female ‘cos she informed me her boyfriend just ended their relationship after he discovered she’d be earning more than him in her new job. Woah, are guys really bothered by that? Had thot Loye was joking when he said, “with that and her highly paid job, that’s DEFINITELY another year without a boyfriend”, after a family friend informed us she had purchased a new car. Man, it’s even tougher out there for women than I thought.

Er, er, there is hope for y’all single ladies out there. In order to give this a Hollywood ending I called a married mate who seems to be a marriage maven and she said something quite enlightening: “Was in the UK before I returned to Nigeria and on the tube all u see is females reading their BRIDGET JONES and MEMOIR OF A GEISHA novels and talking to no one. Then they get home and complain that they single. If I were in their shoes I’d put the books away and make eye contact or something. U gotta place urself out there so guys get a hint.” Hmmmm, makes one wonder, don’t it?

If u think that’s just the mad ramblings of a married woman y’all remember COSMO chick from last entry? She’s been trying so hard to hook guys up with her single friends – she says they all good-looking – she sometimes forgets who she’s attempted to hook up. Guess this is her indirect way of putting herself in the shop window seeing as she’s single.

COSMO chick: Tunde, u gotta meet this friend of mine, she’s ……
Tunde: Hey, slow down. Remember u already gave me ______’s number. Remember, my phone went kaput after I stored her number?
COSMO chick: Lol…oh yeah, I forgot. So u called her?
Tunde: Er,
COSMO chick: Forget about her, she won’t like u anyways. There’s this other chick who’s……….

As if to further emphasis the point I met a lady who introduced herself and suffixed the name with the unforgettable line, ”that’s Miss, not Mrs o!”. I cracked up, but realized she’s making a conscious effort to put herself out there. Of course, that might scare some guys away and make them think she’s desperate and ……hey, I promised y’all a Hollywood ending, didn’t I? Guess I’ll end there. Gotta go compose my Dear Annie letter. Tot ziens and God bless.