If u are worried about where / I’ve been or who I saw or / what club I went to with my homies / Baby, don’t worry, u know that u got me

Hola peeps. Espero que usted todo se esté sentando abajo. Had intended to write about the Pope’s remarks (has anyone read the full transcript of his speech?), Hugo Chavez calling Bush ‘the devil’, the political imbroglio in Thailand (the general who organised the coup has promised to return democracy to the people soon….er, didn’t Musharraf of Pakistan promise the same 7 years ago?) and Hungary (lol….that’ll teach politicians to lie to us), Steve Irwin’s death (R.I.P. Croc dude), and a host of other topics, but something else came up…….man, I dilly-dallied before I sat down to write this…..still not sure if I’m gonna publish this I am not sure the topic of this blog entry is ripe for y’all; in fact I contemplated starting a separate blog to pour out my dark, embarrassing secrets, but decided against it ‘cos most folk would probably guess it was moi by my writing style. Almost decided to stop blogging entirely as I knew it’d only be a matter of time before I spewed out stuff that I’ve been ruminating over and over again. Problem with that scenario is I knew I’d have the Jay-Z effect: tell all and sundry I’m retiring from blogging yet disturb every other blogger I know so I’d “guest appear” on their blog by offering to write one or two paragraphs. Hmmm, have I just hit on a business idea? U know this BLOG-SHARING idea might just work…….lemme work on the idea for a bit…..

Okay, so here’s what’s been chewing at me…..nah, I better make my excuses first. If y’all find this entry a li’l too unTunde y’all can blame it on my upset stomach. Since last night I’ve been to the bog at least 8 times and my fart’s so bad I wanna run away from my arse. Dunno what I ate, but since I gotta blame somebody I choose the crap hotel I stayed at in Benin. Spent a week there on some team-bonding exercise and the place was abysmal. Worst thang about it was the food. We all joked that the chef probably hadn’t done his ‘freedom’ - to y’all non-Nigerians, that means successful completion of his apprenticeship - before he left chef school. As if that wasn’t bad enough the hotel manager always complained about the amount of food peeps were consuming. Why serve a buffet in the first place, punk? Duh.

Excuses made? Check. Skeletons about to jump outta closet? Check. Registration form for new, ultra-secret blog address? Check. Check. Here goes. Got a call a few weeks ago about 10pm. Some dude I didn’t know asked if he was speaking to Tunde. When I responded in the affirmative he said he’d call back later. Weird, huh? U don’t even know half of it. About midnight dude calls again. Midnight? Yup, wondered about that too ’til I discovered dude’s cellphone network offers half-price calls b/w midnight and 6am.

Dude: Hi. I was the guy who called earlier. Sorry for calling so late.
Tunde (trying to sound groggy): Yeah. Er, so what can I do for u?
Dude: Er, do u know Miss X who lives in Y?
Tunde: Yeah. I haven’t seen her in a while. Is she okay?
Dude: She’s fine. Just calling to ask, er, what ur relationship with her is. Please don’t be upset. I mean, er, is she ur girlfriend? Do u have feelings for her?
Tunde (wondering who this joker is): Dude, u what? Man, she’s just my friend. U after her, she’s urs.
Dude: No, I don’t mean it like that. U see she’s been talking about how she’s loved u since ___ years and just wanna know if u feel the same way about her ‘cos she says she’s ready for a relationship and…..
Tunde: Dude, she’s just a friend. What part of that don’t u……er, hold on, I have another call coming in.

Woke up the next morning feeling it was a dream. Forgot about the conversation ‘til Miss X called yesterday and asked if ‘someone’ had called me a while back. Turns out the dude’s actually interested in the chick and got my number from her phone. Chick laffed it off and told me dude had proposed to her, but she said no. Man, dude actually proposed?! Okay, he might be a li’l too possessive for gleaning my number off her phone, but dude friggin’ proposed! That’s huge. I felt awful ‘cos Miss X is some chick I have had an ‘understanding’ with, and here’s some dude who wants to marry her. Miss X later confided in me that even though she’s cool with our ‘understanding’ she’d like a relationship. I kinda made a joke about it, but it’s still bugging me. Hey, I knew this day would come, but I like to deceive myself that since we both consenting adults she shouldn’t be upset when I tell her I ain’t keen on a relationship seeing as we both agreed in the beginning we weren’t interested in coupling up. It’s worked with other Miss X’s it’d work now, right? Wrong; the thang is I am tired of doing this. Almost cannot look myself in the mirror anymore.

U see I have tried at different times to give up nookie, u know ‘til after marriage, but I screw up badly, every time. U know the story of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife and how dude ran away from the woman every time she made a pass at him. Well, this Joseph – yup, that’s really my middle name - always seems to convince himself that he can confront temptation. Funniest thang is I know myself, and I know it’s best for me to run from temptation like my namesake did all those years ago. Instead I tell myself, “Okay this chick is coming over and we just gonna hang out. Hang out, that’s all. It ain’t gonna be like last time. This time, I am not gonna make a pass no matter how stilted the conversation gets.” Chick comes over and all’s well for all of ten minutes before the following goes thru my head: “Hey, I am getting good at this. Ten WHOLE minutes and I haven’t moved close to her yet…yeah, thank You Lord. Now lemme offer to pour her a drink. Man, she’s not looking bad in that outfit, is she? Okay, I’ll just give her a peck and that’s it….” Every friggin’ time it follows the same path.

Now it’d be immensely easier if I didn’t invite the chicks over or even went to visit them, wouldn’t it? Problem is I seem to never wanna be the ‘bad guy’. Only time I’ve not called chicks whose numbers I obtained was when I was in a relationship. Even then, I’d still take their number or smile at their attempts at flirtation ‘cos I didn’t wanna hurt them, and to be honest that’s the bane of my problems. I tell myself, “Hey, humour her. Us guys are used to getting rejections, but women are different. Since she’s offered her number call her once or twice and then end it.” It’s easier in relationships ‘cos I always try to throw in a story about girlfriend so the probable Potiphar’s wife gets the hint. The ironic thang is as soon as a relationship ends and I get bored, I usually call cutest Potiphar’s wife to see if she wants to ‘hang out’.

Met this chick recently who lives by those articles in COSMO. 5 quick ways to know if he loves you and crap stuff like that. Saw a photo of her mate on her phone and mate wasn’t bad-looking. After being reassured that the photo wasn’t a “saviour photo” (photos that bring out the best in one, kinda like those portraits done at photo studios) I did the usual Tunde joke thang and made comments about her mate. Chick asked if I’d like her number as she’s single and lives in Lagos. I was in Benin at the time and bored stiff so I thought it wouldn’t hurt. Called the girl once and had an interesting conversation. It’s been a week now and I haven’t called. Why? Well, after I stored the chick’s number my new, fancy phone that’s just 3 months old stopped working. Serious. If that ain’t a sure sign that the chick’s bad luck I don’t know what is; she’s fine as heck – well her photo is – and all that, but I’d rather skip this one.

Man, I went off on a tangent there, so sorry. What I am getting at is while trying to construct a lie to tell COSMO chick why I hadn’t called her mate in a while the chick went on to spew some passages from the gospel according to COSMO and the ff conversation ensued:

Cosmon Babe (CB): Man, dunno why I gave u that number. My friend would never dig u.
Tunde: What, she’s got no taste?
CB: Lol…whatever. So what do u have to offer her?
Tunde: Apart from my goatee and six-pack? Nada.
CB: Be serious. For instance, I know I can offer a man stimulating conversation ‘cos I am brilliant; dude would be proud to go anywhere with me ‘cos I am well-travelled and gorgeous; I have got a nice job…..I’d go on and on. So what do u have to offer my friend?
Tunde: Er, maybe a bill for messing up my phone?
CB (almost pulling her hair out): Stop it! Okay, for instance, what are some of ur quirks?
Tunde (fearing for his life): U don’t wanna know. Okay, lemme see what would impress ur friend. Yeah, I got it. Unlike most guys I know I tend to remember inconsequential stuff like birthdays, anniversaries, …….
CB: U serious? That means u romantic.
Tunde: U what?
CB: Yeah, u must be romantic for remembering stuff like that.
Tunde (laffing his head off at what COSMO’s done to our ladies): Nah, I wouldn’t say that’s romantic. It’s just a Tunde thang. I tend to remember stuff like that and for instance what chick wore on first date and…..
CB: U see u are a romantic!
Tunde (exasperated by now): No, really, it’s just my thang. For instance, I am also a blasé punk that jokes about the ‘real’ things in a relationship and…..
CB: Give up. U are romantic. My mate would like that.

Stuff like that is what gets me into nookie-trouble. I friggin’ remember stuff and some chick thinks it’s cute or a sign that I’d be a good boyfriend just ‘cos COSMO told her so? If I am being honest I sometimes use that to my advantage, but I gotta stop ‘cos need to end this casual sex thang. Apart from the spiritual implications there’s also the li’l matter of emotions.

Last time in Lagos told Kinzo about some chick I’d just met who was blowing up my phone with calls. His response? “Yellow, I no know wetin dey do u guys. U no like free chops anymore? U know that chick I was after a few years ago that wouldn’t give me the time of day? Well, I met her at a party last week and ‘cos she’s getting on in years and ain’t married she was all over me and asked that I call her. I’m gonna use that opportunity to chop her and then it’s goodbye. Oh, ‘cos she’s old now she’s looking for a husband, abi?” To y’all who’ve chided me for not discussing stuff with family, hope Kinzo’s response has convinced y’all why I was right all these years.

Seriously folk, it might be cool for Kinzo, but I don’t wanna hurt any more chicks. Knowing me I’d probably make a booty call after publishing this, but for the few minutes it’s gonna take I ask that y’all pray for me. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
While in a boring meeting today I saw what could possibly be the most unsexy thang ever: way head bobs up and down when one’s trying to avoid sleeping – mouth open, drool dropping. Even Halle Berry would look less gorgeous in this position. U know what peeps say about picturing the audience naked if one is scared to give a speech? Well, add ‘bobbing head while fighting sleep’ to that list.